


Falling Slowly

by Elvamire



Series: Point It Home [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alpha Kuroo Tetsurou, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Babysitting, Breaking Up & Making Up, Children, Domestic, Family, Infertility, Knotting, M/M, Manhandling, Mating Bond, Mpreg, Omega Tsukishima Kei, Parenthood, Past Relationship(s), Reconciliation, Rimming, Rough Sex, Scenting, Self-Lubrication, Single Parents, Weddings, and tsukishima doesn't like children, basically kuroo has a kid, parental abandonment, side bokuaka
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-07
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-25 09:31:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 103,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6189241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elvamire/pseuds/Elvamire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Five years ago, Tsukishima Kei left Japan and, along with his home, abandoned his mate. After returning, he finds it impossible to deny how much he wants his old lover back; but he’s been gone for a long time, and is no longer the most important person in Kuroo’s life.</p><p>Kuroo is a father now, and understandably unwilling to put an old boyfriend before his daughter. Tsukishima had always assumed that leaving would mean he lost Kuroo forever, but it’s only now he feels as though he may have made the wrong decision.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Home

**Author's Note:**

> rating will increase in the next few chapters
> 
> title comes from this song
> 
> i just wanna point out that while the main focus of this fic is definitely not the omegaverse… it is still omegaverse. the scenting, the marking, discussions of mpreg, the animalistic sex, the whole shebang.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Home:** _(noun)_ the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.

**** Tsukishima couldn’t remember the last time that he had been home. 

Perhaps that would have been an easier thing to recall if he had a solid idea of where home was. He had been born and raised in Miyagi, but happiest once he moved to Tokyo after high school; then he had lived in the U.S. for three years studying more, before travelling to various places across the world to participate in research and fossil digs. 

So where was home? His parents’ house never felt like it, nor did any of the small, cheap apartments he’d lived in, the temporary places he’d stayed while travelling. The apartment in Tokyo had been small and cheap, and that was perhaps the closest things had come; but he preferred not to think about that place. 

He’d finally returned to Japan a handful of weeks ago, homesick after years of absence and wanting to settle back in one place rather than keep exploring the world. After occupying his brother’s spare bedroom for a little while, Tsukishima had began yet another attempt to carve out some kind of home for himself, a small space in the world in which he could feel comfortable.

Somewhere that he could feel he belonged.

This small, simple apartment was his latest attempt at finally settling somewhere. If Tokyo had been the closest he had ever gotten to finding a home, then perhaps the second try at it would go better than the first.

He had only lived here for a fortnight, but already it was growing on Tsukishima. It was perhaps the smallest place that he had ever lived, a simple studio room with a kitchenette he could barely turn around in and a tiny bathroom off to one side, but that didn’t matter. To him, it was ample space for a single skinny person to live in, and having so little room only made it easy to clean. Being uncluttered, and having such large windows across one wall, made the place seem bigger than it truly was. And even after just two weeks, Tsukishima was already beginning to make his own mark on the apartment. The decor stayed minimalistic almost to the point of being clinical, but he had a white fur throw and some cushions on the couch; a print photograph of an ichthyosaurus fossil hung on the wall behind said couch, and he had several potted cacti lined up on the kitchen counter along with a fishbowl containing her marimo on the coffee table.

Sitting on his futon on the floor, surrounded by his pillows and blankets, sipping bitter black tea as dawning sunlight filtered hazy through the curtains, Tsukishima felt at peace. His years of travelling from country to country had been exciting, but exhausting too; it was nice to be back to resting himself in one place and relaxing. He’d found himself a job at a museum in Tokyo, looking after their geological collections. The commute wasn’t brutal and the hours were a regular nine-to-five that let him return to his clean, welcoming apartment every night to make dinner. He hadn’t been back for long, and only worked at his job for a week, but already he felt settled into himself. He was, he told himself, at a good place in his life. He had a dream of a job, a nice place to live, and enough free time to avoid the stress he’d suffered under during his days as a student and, then, a field palaeontologist. 

This, surely, was _home_. Or it would be, when he grew used to it.

But the morning serenity couldn’t last forever. Glancing at the clock, Tsukishima sighed softly and rose from where he had been sitting and carried his mug over to the sink, tipping the last dregs of his tea down the drain and leaving the cup on the side to be washed later that night, along with the plates from his breakfast. 

There was no real space to dress in the clothes he had laid out the night before anywhere but the middle of the living room, with the blinds closed against any prying eyes that might glance through his fifth floor window. Since all his work at the museum was behind the scenes, there wasn’t exactly a uniform code at his job, but Tsukishima liked to dress nicely anyway. It made him feel a lot more professional than sand-covered t-shirts and jeans had for the past two years, and he felt like it was a good distinction between his personal life and his work. 

His black slacks were form fitting, the white shirt tucked into the waistband accentuating the slight curve of his slender waist. His shoes were black too, as the rectangular frames of his glasses, his hair combed neatly and the collection of piercings in his ears removed. Everything was perfect and professional in his appearance; collected, his clothes matching the superior attitude that simply said _don’t touch me._

The only thing to mar his monochromatic perfection, as Tsukishima stood in front of the mirror fastening the buttons on his shirt, was the scar. 

His stomach was pale, flat and toned from playing volleyball with his brother over the past few weeks and regular visits to the gym beside. But a slightly curved, pale pink line cut through the faint outline of his muscles, a little below his navel and almost hidden by his belt, stretching from hipbone to hipbone. It hadn’t healed well- no longer an angry red, but still ragged and obvious despite being over five years old. 

The surgery that had given him the scar had saved his life after a routine procedure went horribly, disastrously wrong, but seeing it every day was an exhausting reminder of what had happened. It was that near death experience that had pushed him to leave Tokyo, and Japan altogether, and explore the rest of the world. He still remembered with uncomfortable clarity what it had been like to feel his consciousness slipping away as a scarlet stain spread across the sheets, his vision blurring into one colour before his eyes fell shut. Tsukishima had passed out more than once in his life- strings of all nighters studying for a tectonic processes exams, and more than one stray volleyball to the head had made sure of that- but _that time_ had been different. He had been uncomfortably aware of his stuttering, irregular heartbeat, grasping at the bloodstained sheets like he was trying to hold onto anything he could to stop himself from slipping away. It had _felt_ like dying, and scared him more than anything else he could imagine.

When he had woken up hours later in another hospital bed, alone, things were different. Staying in Japan hadn’t been an option anymore, not with the memory of coming so close to death chasing him. There had been no choice but to flee, to leave behind everything and start a new life elsewhere. Even as he boarded the plane, he hadn’t known if he would ever return to the place he’d been born. If he would ever want to. 

He didn’t like to dwell on what had happened in the months before he left, or the climax that had changed everything, but the scar remained an ugly reminder of it that caught his eyes whenever he happened to glance into the mirror. It was the one flaw in his otherwise perfectly put together appearance, symbolic of what he considered to be the very worst part of his life. 

Wrinkling his nose, Tsukishima hastily buttoned his shirt the rest of the way and tucked it into his slacks, hiding the scar once again and clearing his throat. It was stupid to think of it so much. The scar had been a part of him for years, and he’d long since left behind the circumstances which had given it to him. He just needed more practice with forcing down his emotions.

The blond shrugged on his blazer (the patched elbows made him feel somewhat like a stereotypical professor, but he liked it- it felt like a hard-earned rewards for the seven years he’d spent studying to be able to put _PhD_ after his name) and grabbed his brown leather satchel before he left his apartment, locking the door behind him and heading down the winding flights of stairs that led him down to the ground floor.

The city was as busy as it ever was, alive with motion. This early in the morning was mostly men and women in suits, heading to work or to the nearest metro station that would bring them there, just the same as Tsukishima was. His time travelling the world had made him no more hospitable to strangers than he’d been as a teenager, but he didn’t mind the crowds. There was a pleasant anonymity in being just one of thousands beginning their commute to work. Nothing about him would draw anyone’s eye, everyone just focused on their own destination and their own life. He had no worries about being stopped or spoken to, no risk of anyone trying to drag him out of his own private bubble. Just how he liked it- he’d missed this kind of privacy among the rest of his research group when he was working in the field. 

The metro station and the train that he got onto was just as crowded as ever, but he tucked his elbows against his slender sides as he reached up to grab the handrail above his head, withdrawing just slightly from the rest of the packed crowd- he would rather not have to brush up against or touch strangers if he could help it. 

However, being stuck on a crowded train with no way out until it reached his stop reminded him of another imperfection in his icy facade. 

Alphas and omegas weren’t incredibly common. Not rare enough to be a curiosity, but still less abundant than the beta majority. Most of the time, Tsukishima’s status as an omega didn’t affect his life a great deal, not since his surgery had prevented him from ever going into heat again.

Sometimes, however, he was reminded of his status. An old boyfriend had told him that he smelled like strawberries, with the characteristic sweetness of all omegas. Tsukishima was sure that he’d been exaggerating about the strawberry part, but he knew his scent still singled him out as an omega- as the scent of every person betrayed their class- and sometimes, it attracted attention.

An alpha was staring at him from one of the seats on the train, apparently having caught Tsukishima’s scent the way that he had his. He wasn’t doing anything threatening, but he was still staring. His eyes travelled up and down his body appraisingly, evaluating the features of his face and the curve of his hips beneath his clothes. Tsukishima’s golden eyes narrowed in a cold glare- he didn’t appreciate being made to feel like a piece of meat- but if the alpha noticed, he didn’t seem to care. 

At least not until his eyes travelled over his body again, and his brow furrowed before he quickly glanced away. Tsukishima was satisfied, but not overly so- he knew what the alpha had seen: the other imperfection in his appearance.

The scar on his shoulder wasn’t the only one that he had.

There was a ring of scar tissue around his scent gland, old and silver-pink; little indents in his flesh where sharp teeth had bitten into his throat and left him with a mark in their shape. It had been years since he’d seen the alpha that had given it to him, their mating bond long gone, but the mark remained. Mostly, it was an annoying reminder just like his scarred stomach, but sometimes it came in handy. For example, without getting close enough to realise he didn’t have the scent of an alpha on him, the old bond mark made it seem like Tsukishima still had a mate. If nothing else, it was good at stopping single alphas from pestering him.

Tsukishima escaped the metro at the next stop, his headphones in his ears as he followed the flow of the crowd up to the street. His workplace wasn’t far from the station, thankfully, and he reached it in a matter of minutes.

The museum was still quiet at this time of the morning, mostly empty of patrons as Tsukishima made his way up the steps and through the front doors. He walked right through the entrance hall, heading to the backrooms where the public were never allowed- he’d have _abhorred_ any job that required him to interact with the visitors. Instead, his work was in a laboratory away from private eyes, silent and methodical, and he was completely alone with except when he had to discuss something with a curator or quietly instruct an assistant. It was, he thought, the thing that made him most confident about the thought that this was where he belonged. He had always wanted work like this, something easy that still linked to the field he loved.

In love with his career, the hours passed by easily as he worked with the fossils, still quietly awed that he was able to touch something so old. Before he knew it, he was glancing at the clock to see that it was his lunch hour; replacing his lap coat with his jacket and picking up his satchel again. Already, he was settling into a routine of heading to the coffee shop down the street for his lunch, where he could read journals or battered paperback poetry books while he enjoyed some strawberry cake and tea. 

He left his lab to walk back through the museum towards the main doors, dodging around people he passed. It was a lot busier at noon than it was before nine in the morning, even on a school day, but Tsukishima had become adept at slipping through crowds with the minimal possible amount of interaction.

Back in the entrance hall, he hurried towards the main doors of the museum, but found himself having to dodge a lot more small children than usual. They were seated in a fairly tucked away corner, but it still interfered with Tsukishima’s preferred route of skirting secretly around the walls. The sight wasn’t unusual, at least: a group of elementary school students sitting on the floor, talking animatedly and loudly amongst themselves as they ate their bento- a field trip. Tsukishima hated children (as awful as that sounded) and he wanted nothing to do with them, but it still pleased him a little to see young minds interested in science. Even if they probably did know nothing about dinosaurs than what the latest Hollywood blockbuster had, incorrectly, taught them. His eyes scanned the group briefly, about to push past when he caught sight of the class’ teacher. He was leaning against the wall, talking to one of Tsukishima’s colleagues: a tour guide he’d hardly spoken to. He was tall, and grinning, with a messy mop of black hair atop his head.

Tsukishima’s heart stopped.

He wanted to flee, but the shock was so great it held him still. It felt like a terrible, awful inevitability as the teacher’s eyes raised to meet his own, warm brown and crinkled by laugh lines.

Just as he remembered.

_Kuroo_.

Kuroo’s mouth dropped open in surprise, then his lips moved to form words.

Tsukishima fled.

He didn’t run, because that would have been pathetic. But he hurried, his eyes on the floor so he wouldn’t accidentally catch anyone’s eye. If he heard a familiar voice call his name, he ignored it, and ran out through the grand double doors of the museum entrance to feel fresh air on his face.

He’d met Kuroo when he was fifteen, now more than a decade ago, at a volleyball practice match between their high schools of Nekoma and Karasuno. Then, at the summer training camp that followed, they’d exchanged numbers, and texted all through Tsukishima’s high school career, remaining vague, distant friends.

Tsukishima had been young when they met, and utterly inexperienced in romantic matters- he’d never found himself even really attracted to anyone before. But he wasn’t naive. He’d picked up on the signs of Kuroo’s interest from the start, as much as he’d been surprised by it. There was always something of a spark between unmated alphas and omegas, just by virtue of biology; but Tsukishima was tall and cruel and cold, and completely non-maternal. In the traditional sense, he was an utterly undesirable omega. He knew that was why Kuroo’s interest in courting him had stuck with him, intrigued him. Yet he still maintained his distance despite his own undeniable attraction to the alpha, wary of the mess romantic feelings would make and the physical gap between them.

Then college happened. The University of Tokyo had always been Tsukishima’s goal and his first choice, and with the way his luck tended to go, he couldn’t have been less surprised to arrive on the first day of his geology course to discover Kuroo was already in his third year there, studying law.

Without the distance between Tokyo and Sendai standing in their way anymore, the alpha had begun to court Tsukishima immediately. To his horror, the blond found that his ridiculousness was actually _charming_ , and they’d been dating within a matter of weeks.

And it continued. Tsukishima had expected things to fizzle out when Kuroo had got his taste of what was previously unattainable, but that didn’t happen. They dated up until Kuroo’s graduation, and afterwards too. They bought and shared a bed in an apartment while Kuroo found a job teaching and Tsukishima finished his undergrad and began his masters. They wore each other’s marks at their throats as mates, and Tsukishima thought how lucky he was to have found the man he wanted to spend the rest of his life on his very first try. 

Tsukishima hurried down the street, his eyes on the ground before him, secure in the knowledge that Kuroo was working and couldn’t follow him. He hurried into the coffee shop where he usually ate, distractedly purchasing his usual order before he went to sit down with it.

He’d known Kuroo was a teacher. He had been there with him when he earned his law degree and suddenly had a crisis of career, and he’d been there as he trained to teach and found his first job at an elementary school. It hadn’t occurred to him that he might run into him at the museum, even knowing that he’d taken his classes there in the past, simply because he didn’t work with the public; and Tokyo was so large and full of so many people it seemed ridiculous that they might just see each other in the street. Running into him had been a coincidence, something he couldn’t have predicted. His hands shook gently as he picked up his mug of black tea and brought it to his lips.

When Tsukishima left Japan, he had left Kuroo, too. He hadn’t given him warning, or discussed it with him. He had just said he was going, and then gone. 

So whatever Kuroo had been going to say to him when he had caught sight of Tsukishima, Tsukishima didn’t want to hear it. He’d lived the past five years knowing that his abandonment had destroyed his boyfriend. Whatever Kuroo thought of him now, Tsukishima didn’t think he could have coped with hearing it. 

He had loved him, in a pure and simple way. To walk away from it had felt like an impossibility, but he’d done it. The bond that had been formed between them over those years in that apartment, through Kuroo’s teeth on his scent gland, marking him, was severed. He’d dealt with that when he first left, and he had no desire to try and struggle over it again. He would just… put Kuroo out of his mind. The students would have finished eating by the time he went back to work, and then he’d be back in his lab, alone with his fossils. He wouldn’t have to see Kuroo again. 

Tsukishima lingered in the cafe as long as he possibly could before he left again, and walked slowly on his way back to work. He was cutting it thin, about to run over the time allowed for his lunch break, but it paid off. When he walked back through the doors into the museum, the class of elementary students and their messy haired teacher was nowhere to be seen. With a soft sigh of relief, he returned to his lab. As he had when he first left Japan, he threw himself into his work as a distraction from his emotions. If all of his focus was on the fossils, he couldn’t waste time thinking about Kuroo. 

The hours passed by as they had before lunch, with Tsukishima’s mind becoming increasingly clear the more Kuroo faded from his mind. By the time he hung up his lab coat to leave for the night, he was calm again. The museum had emptied of people when it closed, and he walked unimpeded back to the entrance to leave. As he left, he lifted his headphones up to his ears, giving the area a cursory glance around before he turned his music on. 

There was someone waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs.

“Kei?”

For a moment, Tsukishima wasn't standing at the top of the stairs in front of the museum. He was many places at once, all from a lifetime ago: the bed in their apartment with sunlight streaming through the windows, the city at night, the park where they’d had their first date. He remembered how soft and gentle his face would become before he spoke, the tiny smile on his lips when he would murmur, ‘ _Kei_ ,’ in the most adoring voice Tsukishima had ever heard. 

Kuroo was standing at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for him, gazing up at the blond with a painfully open expression on his face. Tsukishima went quite still, just standing there and staring down at him like a deer in the headlights, with no idea of what to do. When it became apparent that he wasn’t going to react, Kuroo spoke again.

“I thought- I _knew_ it was you. I didn’t even know you were back. I’m sorry for waiting outside like a creep, and shit, I just- had to see you.” He swallowed hard. 

Slowly, Tsukishima descended the stone steps to stand in front of Kuroo. Neither of them had grown; they still saw eye-to-eye. Kuroo had barely even _changed_. His hair was the mess it always was, his dress sense the same. The only difference that he could see were the lines that now spread from the corners of his eyes, the ghosts of old smiles. 

There was another beat of silence between them.

“It’s been a while.” Kuroo said with an awkward smile. Tsukishima didn’t know how he could manage even that. All he could think about was the way Kuroo had looked five years ago, when Tsukishima told him he was leaving.

“Obviously.” The blond said, as dry as ever but twice as soft. “I left.”

“I know you did.” The look in Kuroo’s eyes was more bitter than he ever remembered it being, but thinking back on what had happened, he didn’t blame him. 

It was a surprise, then, when Kuroo asked, "Do you have time to talk for a bit?” The hesitation in him was slipping away now that Tsukishima hadn't immediately rejected him. "I _know_ you left, I was there. But I don't think it was because of me. So we can still talk, right?" The alpha smiled, slightly more cheerfully than he perhaps had a right to.

Kuroo had been a part of why he left, in a way. But looking at him now made Tsukishima nostalgic. He remembered how deeply he'd missed him, when he first moved away.

"Sure." Tsukishima sighed, as if in defeat. It still made Kuroo grin, the old smile he remembered from years back, seeing it flashed at him through the gaps in the net.

"Great." Kuroo said, and offered his arm; withdrawing it a little awkwardly when Tsukishima just put his hands inside of pockets instead.

He let the alpha lead the way, as he always had, allowing himself to be dragged along by someone with a far greater passion for life than his own. Kuroo took them to the nearby park, away from the noise and lights of the city streets and into the quiet isolation of nature in the evening. 

So he still remembered what Tsukishima liked, then.

“You look good.” Kuroo commented, before the silence could stretch on for too long. Tsukishima glanced over at him and found himself meeting the alpha’s gaze where he had been watching him. “Way better than the last time I saw you.”

“Well, the last time you saw me I was in hospital after almost bleeding out. I can’t imagine I really looked my best.” Tsukishima reminded him delicately, then added, “You look like shit,” with a shrug, because the longer he looked at Kuroo the more true it became. He still looked like himself, but this close up Tsukishima could see the lines running through his skin, normal ageing accelerated a little, he supposed, by stress and sleepless nights.

He had a feeling he knew what had caused that.

Kuroo laughed anyway, his eyes closing for a moment as he shook his head. Tsukishima hadn’t changed that much, either. 

“I can’t really argue with that one.” He shrugged casually. “Life’s hard, y’know? You’ll understand when you’re my age.” He teased, and Tsukishima rolled his eyes with a scoffing sound. Ridiculous.

( _Kuroo is thirty next year_ , he reminded himself. For the first time the two years between them actually seemed substantial.)

“You say that as if my life hasn’t been hard too.” Tsukishima said. Kuroo snorted, then, something derisive and spiteful in the sound that he would never have expected to hear from his old boyfriend. 

“Sure. You’ve been doing… what was it? You haven’t spoken to me since you left.”

"Studying for my PhD. I know I told you that part."

"I know I'm not an academic like you, Tsukishima, but I'm fairly sure that doesn't take five years."

Tsukishima narrowed his eyes. He really hadn't changed; he wished that he had. It would have been far easier to talk to him then, rather than being confronted with this ghost from his past, exactly as he had left him, reminding him of everything he had missed.

“Astute observation, Sherlock. I went travelling, after that.” Tsukishima explained. “I was a field palaeontologist for two years.”

“That sounds like a dream, for you.”

“It was.”

“So why are you back now?”

“I wanted to settle down.” 

“I didn’t think you were the settling type.”

There is was: the bitterness that edged Kuroo’s voice. For a while, things had seemed so companionable that Tsukishima almost forgot there was an unbridgeable gap of five years between them now, but there was the reminder. He had left, in a cruel and callous way.

There had been more than one reason for him to leave.

Tsukishima slowed to a stop by the side of the path, Kuroo moving and stopping with him. The omega smiled. Not the overly-bright, vaguely terrifying smile he’d perfected when his undergrad students monumentally fucked up in the lab, or the small, sincere one that he had so often shared with the alpha in the years they’d spent together. It was crueller, patronising, cutting. 

“People change, Tetsurou. Even me.”

Kuroo’s eyes were cold. 

_Good_ , Tsukishima forced himself to think. Better to drive him away. It had been frighteningly easy, even after so little time, to fall back into talking to Kuroo as if nothing bad had ever happened between them. 

That was dangerous. So it was better to remind him of all the reasons he had to hate his once-mate, even if once Kuroo had been the one person Tsukishima couldn’t stand to think of hurting. 

“I can see that.” Kuroo said. Now that they had stopped, he ran his hand awkwardly through his messy hair, looking away from Tsukishima. The blond followed his gaze around the park, then to his phone. There was a picture of a child on the lock screen- one of Kuroo’s younger sisters, Tsukishima thought. 

“I didn’t realise how late it was.” The alpha muttered, then glanced up at Tsukishima with wide eyes. “I mean- I’m not trying to make an excuse, it actually is late.”

Tsukishima cocked his head. If Kuroo had been making an excuse to leave, he would have understood. He wouldn’t have wanted to be around himself, either, no matter how long he had been gone. Not after the things that had happened between them, and with him just proving that he hadn’t matured at all since leaving Japan. 

Then again, he had never been able to puzzle Kuroo out at the best of times.

Under his gaze, the alpha’s discomfort seemed to grow. He swallowed visibly, shrinking a little, but his eyes were still bitter in the fading light, the colour of dark chocolate. 

“I just have to pick up Ama-chan from Kenma, y’know?”

Tsukishima paused. He went very still, for the space of a heartbeat, piecing things together in his head before he spoke aloud, seeking confirmation for what he felt he might already know.

“…Ama-chan?”

“Yeah.” Kuroo breathed out, seeming to gather himself for the next admission. “My daughter.”

All of Tsukishima’s breath left his lungs in a single gasp.

_Kuroo’s daughter_.

Pale fingers curled into fists at his sides, hidden by the sleeves of his jacket. Of course there was a child- the phone lock screen couldn’t have been his sister, none of them were that young anymore. It was foolish, to expect that Kuroo might still be his even after all of this time. 

“Yeah.” The omega echoed, suddenly awkward himself. He could feel Kuroo’s gaze boring into him, searching for some kind of reaction, but he kept his eyes on the ground and his emotions under wraps. Whatever the alpha was searching for, Tsukishima was determined that he wouldn’t find it with him. “You shouldn’t keep her waiting.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.”

When Tsukishima did look up, there was a fond smile on Kuroo’s face at the thought of his child, because of course there was. Kuroo loved children- his own would be the most precious thing in the world to him. 

“I’ll see you around, yeah, Tsukki?” The alpha was saying as he straightened up, adjusting his coat.

“I hate that nickname.” Tsukishima said without thinking, wrinkling his nose, and he heard Kuroo laugh. The sound softened him, as it always had- it was so utterly ridiculous, and so _Kuroo._ Maybe that was what made him agree, “I’ll see you.”

The alpha nodded once, before he turned to walk away. In the dusk light, he seemed to fade into the shadows the further away he moved, his dark hair and leather jacket blending in with the shadows of the trees right before Tsukishima’s eyes. Like watching him disappear all over again, the night that he had fled Tokyo. 

But Kuroo didn’t disappear, this time. Halfway down the path, he stopped suddenly, and then turned around; running back towards Tsukishima.

“Wait,” He held up a hand, a little out of breath. “You remember where Bokuto and Akaashi’s place was, right? They still live there.”

Confused, Tsukishima nodded, and watched Kuroo grin. 

“They invited me over for coffee, next week. I know they’d love to see you again, now you’re back- do you wanna come?”

Tsukishima hesitated. _Dangerous_.

Five years, it seemed, hadn’t stopped Kuroo from being able to make him weak.

“Of course.” The omega sighed softly. “I’ll come.”


	2. Rückkehrunruhe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> from [The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows:](http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/)
> 
> **Rückkehrunruhe:** _(noun)_ the feeling of returning home after an immersive trip only to find it fading rapidly from your awareness—to the extent you have to keep reminding yourself that it happened at all, even though it felt so vivid just days ago—which makes you wish you could smoothly cross-dissolve back into everyday life, or just hold the shutter open indefinitely and let one scene become superimposed on the next, so all your days would run together and you’d never have to call _cut_.

He was so stupid.

He said it to himself the moment that he got home, muttering “ _stupid_ ,” under his breath when he walked through the door and kicked off his shoes, and again when he climbed into bed and clung to his spare pillow as if it were another person filling that empty space. 

Kuroo made Tsukishima stupid. He always had. 

The omega remembered distinctly being eight years old, standing in his kitchen and looking at the calendar on the wall. The date, April 6th, had been circled in pink pen, his mother’s fine, spidery handwriting marking the date as _anniversary._

In the moment that Kei was staring at the calendar, his father was at work- he’d left that morning, before his youngest son woke up for school, and he probably wouldn’t be back until dinner time, shortly before he went to bed. His mother was on a _business trip_ , and still wouldn’t be back for days. It was Akiteru who was looking after Kei, who was sitting studying next to him at the kitchen table while golden eyes traced the date over and over again, mulling over that word in his head. _Anniversary_.

It was his parents’ wedding anniversary, and they were doing nothing. They hadn’t even seen each other, and nor would they. Kei didn’t even think that they had called.

It had been like that last year, too.

“Akiteru?” He had spoken up after a few more moments of quiet contemplation, turning to look at his older brother. Akiteru had pushed his homework aside instantly, smiling brightly and always ready to answer his little brother’s questions. He didn’t even have to prompt him- Akiteru’s face was always open and smiling, and Kei had grown up knowing that his big brother would have done anything for him.

“Why don’t mom and dad love each other anymore?”

The smile had vanished instantly from Akiteru’s face. He put down the pen that he still held in his hand, moving his chair closer to Kei’s with a concerned look on his face. 

“What makes you say that?”

The small boy gestured towards the calendar, as if they were obvious.

“Aren’t people supposed to celebrate their anniversary?”

Akiteru’s brow furrowed. It was a while before he spoke again. Kei was still young, but he was wise enough to realise that his brother needed to take time to think; to string together some collection of words in his head that would reassure, while avoiding the truth.

“I guess. But that doesn’t mean they don’t _love_ each other, Kei. They’re just busy with work, that’s all.” He smiled.

And Kei had nodded, as if he believed him. Maybe he would have, but he was an observant child. Behind his glasses, his gold eyes were always wide and wondering, devouring as much of the world as he was allowed to see and learning all that he could from it. He had noticed, for years, the distance between his and Akiteru’s parents. He had never seen them hug, or kiss each other. They had different rooms. The spoke rarely, for two people who lived together, and then only about their children. 

They wore simple, gold bands as their wedding rings. Tsukishima Maemi’s engagement ring was similar- the same, in fact, just accented with a single, shining diamond. It had always seemed like an afterthought on her pale hand, faded against the sharp black sleeve of her suit jacket and the shine of her manicured nails- an empty, soulless gesture that was more obligation and tradition than anything to do with emotion. 

From being a child, Kei was told he took after his mother- that he was her spitting image, the both of them pale and blonde and beautiful. He had her intelligence, her sharp wit and cutting tongue. The only thing he had gotten from his father, people had laughed, was his poor eyesight. 

(Then, when he was older, the comparisons grew less favourable, coming not from his neighbours and grandparents but from bitter uncles drunk on too much sake. _Kei takes after Maemi, alright. Both ice cold, cast-iron bitches._ )

By nine, Kei could see his parents’ marriage for what it was, in a way that Akiteru still refused to believe. Their father was a handsome, wealthy, successful accent for Maemi’s slender arm, and she was the same for him. Marriage was another expectation and achievement in life to go with their glittering, impressive careers and their large, expensive house. The 2.5 children that they raised perfectly but carefully, subtly ignored once they could take care of themselves were the same: paragons of academic and athletic excellence, who never put a toe out of line. Even the perfectly trained, pedigree dog Kei remembered from his childhood was the finishing touch on his parents’ perfect life. 

Maemi was a beta, but that didn’t matter. Her class, and her eyesight: the only things that she hadn’t given to her youngest son. Kei could still look at her and know exactly what he was supposed to become. 

_My mother and father don’t love each other_ , he had thought calmly, at nine years old. _People like my mother don’t feel love._

Then came the cataclysm of Akiteru’s betrayal, and the thought was cemented in Kei’s head for good: to feel anything was a waste of time, and especially so when it came to other people. Love meant nothing, but to give someone his heart would be to allow them to hurt him again, and he had promised himself he would never do it.

Until Kuroo.

Kuroo made Tsukishima stupid. He fell helplessly, recklessly, and allowed the alpha to put a mark on his neck. With Kuroo, he did the things that he had sworn he never would- dating, growing close, buying a house and talking about the future. The things that he was sure his parents had done, once, with careful and clinical detachment. More than once, Kei had wished he could be just as detached.

How ironic, that he’d so deeply feared being hurt, but it was he who had hurt Kuroo in the end. 

The stupidity didn’t even stop at letting himself fall in love. Loving Kuroo meant learning about him, about his childhood. His single mother and the father that had run out on them before he was born- then, when he was a teenager, the man who had become his stepfather. By the time Kei first visited Kuroo’s home in Tokyo, the house was alive with smiling family, Kuroo’s mother happy with her husband, her stepdaughter and all of Kuroo’s half-sisters. 

He learned about how determined Kuroo had become not to be like his father- how he wanted what Kei had when he was a child. The good jobs, the house, the 2.5 children and their dog. Of course, he wanted love behind it, not the icy facade that Kei had grown up with, but the idea was still the same.

And Kei hated it. He had told him as much. Marriage, children, pets- he wanted nothing to do with any of it, and _especially_ the children.

( _Kei takes after Maemi, alright. Both ice cold, cast-iron bitches._ )

Tsukishima didn’t like children. They were loud, and clingy, and annoying, and _sticky_ \- all the things that he despised. He never, ever wanted to be a parent, and he was open about that with Kuroo.

Maybe Tsukishima made Kuroo stupid, too, because neither of them had left. The both of them had stayed together, deluding themselves into believing that wanting utterly different things out of the relationship would somehow turn out okay.

At least Tsukishima could pride himself on saying that he had been the first of them to come to his senses. He’d ended the relationship, and left, because that was what was for the best. 

He told himself that it had to be for the best.

 

***

 

Sitting cross-legged on his futon again, Tsukishima typed a well-remembered number into his phone and lifted it to his ear. He only had to wait the space of a few heartbeats before it was answered, as always.

“Kei!” Akiteru’s voice was bright and sunny. Even if he had lied to him, in the cold home of his childhood his brother had been the one who looked after him. Tsukishima was twenty seven now, but Akiteru was still there when he needed his big brother. It was annoying, sometimes, but other times he was grateful.

“Hi.” The omega sighed softly. Somewhere in the background of the call, he could hear Akiteru’s wife shouting something unintelligible, which wasn’t unusual. Akiteru had wanted him to stay at his house in Miyagi for longer than he had, but Tsukishima had excused himself by saying he really did want to return to Tokyo as soon as he could. In actuality, it had more to do with not being able to cope much longer with sharing a house with Saeko. She wasn’t unpleasant, just… very loud.

On the phone, his brother started to say something, but Tsukishima interrupted him.

“I think I’m being stupid again.”

Immediately, the tone of Akiteru’s voice changed.

“What happened?”

Tsukishima sighed, closing his eyes behind his glasses as he tilted his head back.

“I ran into Kuroo.” 

“What did he say to you?” Perhaps he should have phrased this better- he could easily recognise Akiteru’s protective-big-brother mode. After Tsukishima’s brush with death five years before, he was even more protective than ever before, and wasn’t particularly fond of Kuroo anymore- jumping to the conclusion that he’d upset Tsukishima somehow had Akiteru almost shouting down the phone.

“Nothing.” Tsukishima shook his head. “Nothing important, anyway. We just… talked. Caught up.” He paused. “He invited me to go see Bokuto and Akaashi. I said yes.”

“Why?” Akiteru sounded baffled, and Tsukishima didn’t blame him. He was just as confused about his own actions as his brother was. “You said you didn’t want to see him again, Kei. You said you didn’t know what you’d do if you had to see him.”

He remembered saying that. It had been the night before he left for Tokyo, quietly confiding in his brother the small fears he had about returning to the city where he’d lived with Kuroo. 

“I forgot how much I missed him, I think. It was just… really easy to talk to him.” He combed his fingers nervously through his blond hair. “And I have missed Bokuto and Akaashi, so it _would_ be good to see them again.”

“I’m really not sure this is a good idea.”

“That’s why I called.” Tsukishima bowed his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. He took a deep breath. “I think I would have kept talking to him, because it was nice, except that he told me he had to leave because he needed to pick up his daughter.” He spoke the words in a rush and fell immediately silent, waiting for a reaction.

On the other end of the line, Akiteru was quiet. Over the phone, he heard his brother stand up and move a little, and a door closing- going somewhere more private, he supposed.

“Oh, Kei…” When Akiteru _did_ speak, he was so soft and sympathetic that Kei’s instant reaction was to snap at him. He didn’t need his brother’s pity. “How are you feeling?”

“Okay.” Tsukishima replied, honestly. He felt okay, because he didn’t feel much of anything. “Her name’s Ama-chan. It seems like he loves her a lot.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t _know_.” Tsukishima snapped. It was unfair to take things out on Akiteru, but he was frustrated and picking through his own feelings to figure out what they actually _were_ was too hard for him to do. “I just- I don’t know. When… when I saw him again, I felt like… like I should never have left Tokyo in the first place. I missed him, and- and I wanted to be with him again.”

The omega’s voice cracked slightly over the words. It was still a difficult thing for him to admit, that he _wanted_ anything with anyone. Akiteru would lecture him about being more open with his feelings, if he mentioned that. He might even say something about how Kei was not their mother.

Gross. 

“I guess I thought there might be a chance with him, still.” Tsukishima hurried to finish speaking, wanting to get it out of the way. “But then he mentioned his daughter so now I know that there isn’t.”

There was another beat of long silence.  
“I’m sorry, Kei.”

“Don’t be.” Tsukishima was struggling to remember why he had called Akiteru in the first place- he just needed to speak to _someone,_ and he knew if he tried calling Yamaguchi instead he’d just be hit with love and sunshine and how he should _just give it a try, Tsukki!_ or otherwise he would never know. It wasn’t necessarily bad advice, but Tsukishima was too bitter to hear it. “It’s just that I’m supposed to be seeing him in half an hour and I don’t know what to do.”

“I actually…” He could hear the hesitation in Akiteru’s voice. “I think it might not be such a bad idea for you to go.”

“You’re kidding.” Tsukishima retorted dryly.

“I’m not.”

“You’ve changed your tune.”

“Yes, well,” Akiteru sighed in irritation, and Tsukishima could see him in his mind’s eye- one hand on his hip, eyes closed, looking fussy and put out. Every now and then, the resemblance between them as brothers was impossible to notice. “I still don’t like him- I think he’s selfish, and you deserve better.”

Silently, Tsukishima rolled his eyes. He’d had this lecture more than once, towards the end of his relationship with Kuroo.

“But it might be good for you. Closure, and moving on, and-” He paused, momentarily drowned out by more shouting from elsewhere in the house. “I’m sorry, Kei, I really can’t talk much longer. I think the twins are going to break something.”

Tsukishima hid an amused smile. While he’d been a guest in Akiteru’s house, his brother’s exhaustion with Kei’s young nieces had been a source of endless amusement (as long as they didn’t come too close to him). It wasn’t like their mother helped curb their childish energy, either- rather, she encouraged it. Akiteru was the responsible parent with a capital _R_.

“I get it.” Tsukishima assured him. Just hearing his brother’s voice was calming- and besides, he hadn’t called for a lecture about how Kuroo wasn’t good for him. He knew that already. “Tell Hinami and Hotaru I said hello.”

“Will do. Bye, Kei!”

“Goodbye, Akiteru.” He waited until his brother ended the call before putting down his phone, wrinkling his nose slightly in distaste. 

It hadn’t gone exactly to plan, perhaps. But it had been better than nothing, even if Akiteru had said Tsukishima should meet Kuroo like he’d planned. It wasn’t exactly what the omega had wanted to hear- he had been hoping for an easy excuse to get out of going. Left without one, Tsukishima exhaled in a heavy sigh and stood up to leave his apartment. 

It was dusk outside when he left the building to head to the metro station, the sky steadily darkening overhead as people on the streets hurried their way home. It took longer on the metro to get to Akaashi and Bokuto’s place than it did for him to get to work, but as he headed up to their apartment building at last, Tsukishima found that he wasn’t there alone.

Kuroo slowed where he was walking down the path to the front door, allowing Tsukishima to catch up with him before he kept going. 

“Hey,” The alpha said with an easy smile, his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket, and Tsukishima felt his stupid heart skip a stupid beat. It felt like he was looking at a photograph, and no time had passed at all. “I honestly wasn’t sure whether or not you’d actually show up.”

Tsukishima raised his eyebrows. 

“Thank you for having so much faith in me, Kuroo.” He said dryly. 

“Well, you’re flaky.” Kuroo stuck out his tongue, and the illusion of still being in the past was shattered- he used to have a piercing there, a silver barbell that Tsukishima spent long hours being tortured by, since his boyfriend had known it was a weakness of his. 

“You took out your piercing.” The omega pointed out, rather than try to defend himself. “Why?”

Kuroo shrugged.

“I’m a respectable man now, Tsukishima.” He said, puffing his chest out slightly and grinning at him. “I have a nice job and a kid, I can’t have piercings to ruin my image.”

_Kuroo has a kid_.

The thought felt like a punch to the gut every time he remembered it. Of everything, that was the biggest reminder that, no matter how easy and carefree it was to talk to him again, things _had_ changed, irrevocably. It had been five years, and there would be no going back to what they had once been.

“Stick in the mud,” Tsukishima retorted, and looked away from Kuroo to stare forwards instead. Knowing that the alpha was so close, but there was still no chance of ever falling into his arms again, hurt. But he wouldn’t even admit that to himself, let alone risk Kuroo figuring it out from the look on his face. 

The pair took the elevator up to Bokuto and Akaashi’s apartment, which didn’t exactly help Tsukishima’s feelings of deja vu- he couldn’t count the weekend evenings he’d spent with the three of them, he and Kuroo visiting their friends to talk and drink. 

Kuroo rang the doorbell outside of the apartment, and there was a burst of noise from inside as someone scrambled to answer the door.

“Bro!” Bokuto grinned widely as he flung the door open, his eyes shining brightly as he saw Kuroo. Then his gaze moved ever so slightly to the side, and his enthusiasm disappeared instantly as he clapped eyes on the omega. Tsukishima felt his heart sink. “Tsukishima.” He added, in possibly the least enthusiastic voice that he had ever heard from the man. 

Before he could get too disheartened, a dark head peered around from behind Bokuto, pretty grey eyes calmly surveying the scene before settling on the dark look on Bokuto’s face.

“Koutarou.” Akaashi said, faintly warning, before he pulled his alpha back from the door to welcome Kuroo and Tsukishima inside.

They’d redecorated, since the last time Tsukishima was here, which wasn’t surprising. Once upon a time, the apartment had belonged to Bokuto and Kuroo both; sometime over the past five years, the last remnants of the madcap decor from that period had disappeared, and now everything Tsukishima could see of the living space was commanded by Akaashi’s calm, minimalist preferences. It looked a lot nicer like that, in his opinion. 

“Have a seat.” The dark-haired beta offered coolly, before turning to speak softly in Bokuto’s ear- telling him to behave, if Tsukishima knew anything about the people he’d once considered his best friends.

Somehow, he hadn’t expected Bokuto to be cold with him- he’d never known him to be cold to _anyone_. But now that he thought about it, it felt stupid not to have seen it coming. He had hurt his best friend, and badly. Of course Bokuto thought poorly of him now, in just the same way that Akiteru disliked Kuroo.

Tsukishima was beginning to regret agreeing to come. 

Keeping a firm hand on his mate’s arm, Akaashi led Bokuto into the kitchenette to grab drinks. The pair returned with a tokkuri of sake, white ceramic painted with muted cherry blossoms to match the collection of ochoko that accompanied it. Tsukishima recognised the sake set- it had been a housewarming gift from he and Kuroo when Akaashi moved in with Bokuto. He accepted the drink politely, but averted his eyes from the couple. They still moved in sync, with the grace of people who had been together for years. It was enough to remind him of high school, volleyball matches played against Fukurodani- yet more reminders of the past that he didn’t want.

With Akaashi playing referee, small talk could flow despite the dark looks that Bokuto kept giving to Tsukishima, apparently not having learned to control his emotions at all during the past five years. Not that the omega contributed much to the conversation anyway- the moment people began talking, he hated it. It felt incredibly awkward to discuss work, and the recent bout of rain, and how easy it had been for them to get here, as if his disappearance wasn’t felt as an elephant in the room. Things _had_ changed from the easy time he used to spend with his friends when he was studying, and it seemed stupid to try and pretend that they hadn’t. It made him almost grateful for Bokuto’s obvious distaste- at least that was an acknowledgement that time had passed. 

Uncomfortable, Tsukishima kept his gaze on Akaashi. He didn’t want to meet Bokuto’s eyes for obvious reasons, and nor did he particularly want to stare too long at Kuroo sitting beside him. 

Besides, something had caught his eye.

The ring on Akaashi’s finger was subdued; two thin bands of silver spiralling around each other with a modest diamond set in the middle. It was simple and pretty, and easy to imagine Bokuto seeing it in a store and being reminded of his mate- obvious thought had gone into choosing it, and it suited him. For the sake of not being silent and rude _all_ night, Tsukishima said,

“Your ring is nice, Keiji.”

Akaashi blinked, as if he had forgotten he wore it, and then glanced down and smiled.

“Thank you, Kei.”

The omega could feel alpha eyes on him, faintly curious about the casual use of first names, but he saw no reason to explain himself. The ring had been nice to see, but not a surprise. He could count on his hands the people he had stayed in touch with when he left Japan- even his parents had been mostly forgotten, only answering their calls instead of actually seeking them out. But he had kept up his relationship with Akiteru, and Yamaguchi.

And Akaashi. He remembered the beta telling him in one of their long emails, almost a year ago, that Bokuto had finally proposed. It was the kind of news from back home that Tsukishima had always quietly enjoyed hearing, and Akaashi knew him well enough to never bring up Kuroo. Even if his fiancé no longer liked Tsukishima, he and Akaashi were probably better friends than they had actually been when he still lived in Tokyo.

“How’s the wedding planning?” Tsukishima asked, continuing to pointedly ignore the looks that Kuroo and Bokuto were giving him. 

“Oh, god,” Kuroo groaned from his left, and Tsukishima felt the couch shift beneath them as he flopped backwards. “Don’t get them started. It’s all they’ve talked about for months.”

“Because it’s _awesome_.” Bokuto retorted, as easily distracted as always. “You’re just jealous.”

“You got me there- I wonder why someone bitter and lonely would be jealous of your wonderful engagement?” Kuroo rolled his eyes, taking a notably large gulp of sake. 

Tsukishima was watching him, now- it hadn’t occurred to him that, in spite of the child (or perhaps because of her- he couldn’t imagine dating was easy with a young daughter in tow) Kuroo might still be single. He immediately felt hope rise in his chest, but crushed it just as quickly- it didn’t matter, because there was no going back. The omega dropped his gaze, looking back towards Akaashi; but not fast enough to avoid meeting Kuroo’s gaze for a moment, his eyes just as warm and brown and inviting as he remembered them being. 

Tsukishima swallowed hard. He could still feel Kuroo’s gaze boring into him even after he had looked away. 

“It’s soon, isn’t it?” He recalled, thinking back to his emails with Akaashi. 

“Two months.” Akaashi confirmed with a nod, and a fond smile as his gaze flitted towards Bokuto. They were still disgustingly in love, clearly.

“I hope it goes well for you.”

Next to his fiancé, Bokuto snorted. 

“I didn’t think commitment was your thing, Tsukishima.” He said, too loudly- he didn’t have the intelligent to dig at someone subtly. “Weddings, and stuff like that. And kids- it freaks you out, right?”

He could have been calmer, Tsukishima mused. He could gently deflect it, or go along with what Bokuto was saying. Or, he could take the opportunity to retaliate towards the hostility he had been faced with all night.

Tsukishima put on his brightest, sunniest smile, shrugging his slender shoulders.

“Well, yeah.” He replied, his voice sweet. “I can’t have kids- it’s kind of sad for me to hear about all the things I’m missing out on.”

A hush fell over the room. This was one thing that Tsukishima had kept to himself, even from Akaashi. When he opened his eyes again, Kuroo was staring at him, his mouth slightly open and his eyes stricken. The alpha had been with Tsukishima while he was in hospital- he had woken up from surgery holding his hand. But he’d still never told him that saving his life had left him infertile. After everything else, he hadn’t wanted to cause his mate even more pain. He could imagine hearing it now was a shock.

Tsukishima felt slightly smug in the awkward silence that settled over the room- he hoped Bokuto was squirming. His old friends knew him well enough to be aware that he had never liked or wanted children, and therefore assume that his infertility wasn’t something that he was particularly concerned with. But that wasn’t the case. Even if he had never personally wanted children, being a barren omega was still something perceived as tragic- he was _meant_ to bear pups, it was what his body was _for_. Sometimes he still struggled with himself over not being able to, and he knew the others would know that. The admission had certainly been a showstopper. 

Bokuto cleared his throat. At least he had the good grace to look sheepish. 

“Sorry, Tsukishima.” He murmured, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.

“Apology accepted.” Tsukishima responded coolly, before he turned to ask Akaashi what the colours for their wedding were. 

Despite Kuroo’s apparent jealousy, it seemed like the wedding was something that they could all get along with as they spoke about it. Bokuto’s excitability about finally marrying his mate overshadowed whatever bitterness he felt towards Tsukishima, and slowly, the atmosphere in the room began to grow less awkward. With his tongue looser with companionship and sake, Tsukishima talked more about the last five years, his studies and his work- and the others did, too. He heard about Kuroo’s job and the more outlandish stories he had about his students, about the various messes Bokuto got himself into and Akaashi extracted him out of- all of the things he had missed, while he was away. His friends seemed proud of him, when he talked about his degrees, his research in the field, and it made him glow with pride that even people who hadn’t studied what he had could appreciate everything he’d achieved in the past few years.

“It’s really incredible of you, Tsukishima.” Akaashi had said. “For you to be able to do all of that- It’s what you always wanted to achieve, and you managed to do it despite everything. I know that it took a lot of sacrifice.”

At his side, Kuroo drained the rest of his sake in one gulp.

Pointedly, no one mentioned Kuroo’s daughter. Tsukishima could see her in the conversation- places in stories where it was obvious she would have been there, pauses as conversation was shifted away when it had naturally drifted towards her. But she wasn’t spoken of explicitly, and Tsukishima could only imagine that it was out of courtesy for him.

He didn’t know how to feel about that.

It was late by the time Kuroo and Tsukishima were standing up to leave- in sync with each other, like old times. The blond was smiling, faintly, his unpleasant encounter with Bokuto temporarily forgotten.

As Tsukishima was about to walk out of the front door, following Kuroo down the hall, he felt a hand on his upper arm that stopped him dead. He glanced over his shoulder to see Akaashi, already speaking to him quietly.

“You should come to the wedding.” He told him- offered, he supposed. “We can have one more guest, since I don’t think Kuroo is going to make use of his plus-one. Bokuto might not be happy about it, but you’re my friend, and I’d like you there.”

“Are you sure?” Tsukishima blinked. He didn’t see why not- the only reason he hadn’t been invited already was because he had been living abroad- but he still wanted to be sure.

“Absolutely positive.” Akaashi smiled, faintly, relinquishing the blond’s arm. “Goodnight, Kei.”

“Goodnight.” Tsukishima nodded in response, before the door swung shut behind him and he moved to catch up with Kuroo.

It didn’t take long to do, since the alpha had waited for him anyway, politely standing just out of earshot and offering Tsukishima a smile when he came to stand by him. 

“Could I walk you to the metro?” He offered, extending an arm. After a moment of hesitation, Tsukishima linked his own with Kuroo’s. He still felt good from seeing his old friends, his chest light, and nostalgia tinting his view of the world the colour of roses.

“You know I can look after myself, even if I am an omega.”

“I know.” Kuroo nodded solemnly. “I’ve always known that. I like it about you.” His smile was so fond and heartbreakingly sincere that Tsukishima had to look away, falling quiet. Once again, it was Kuroo who broke the silence between them.

“I’m sorry about Bokuto.” He said. “I didn’t think that he would have reacted like that, even if…”

“If?”

“He doesn’t like you much anymore.” The alpha sighed. “He thinks you’re selfish, and I deserve better. And he’s had half a decade to cement that opinion in his thick head.” He rolled his eyes.

“Funny,” Tsukishima remarked, a small smirk curling his lips as he walked along the street with Kuroo. They probably looked, he thought, like any mated couple. “That’s exactly what my brother said about _you_ , when I told him I was going to meet you.”

Kuroo groaned, at that, hanging his head for a moment.

“Goddamn it- I liked Akiteru. I thought he might have warmed up to be again, by now.”

“No.” Tsukishima was still smirking as he shook his head. “You fucked it up royally and you can’t go back. Reap what you sow, Kuroo.”

_A little hypocritical, don’t you think?_ said a voice in the back of Tsukishima’s head. 

“Ah, well.” Kuroo sighed as he came to a halt, dragging Tsukishima back when he accidentally stumbled a few too many steps forwards. He hadn’t even noticed that they were standing outside of the metro station, too busy watching Kuroo and listening to his voice. “I have other friends.”

Tsukishima didn’t respond. Being pulled back had put him suddenly closer to Kuroo, the space of a few inches only between their bodies. Neither of them had grown any taller since they had been apart; he still stared directly into the other man’s eyes, lost in the dark depths of their colour. 

He was still so enticing- those eyes, that ridiculous hair, the face that had caught his attention since they were in high school. He smelled the same, standard alpha musk offset by something smoky and bittersweet that had clung to all of Tsukishima’s clothes for months after he left. 

He had loved Kuroo for so long.

Tsukishima bowed his head, a little, just barely glancing up at the alpha through his eyelashes. Kuroo’s gaze didn’t waver, but he tilted his chin up just a little, reminiscent of the haughtiness that the blond so often carried himself with. It was a subtle shift in positioning, one neither had thought about- it was simply instinctual. _Alpha and omega_. Even if they had hated each other, there would still be that primal pull between them.

After a moment, Kuroo relinquished his higher ground, so that he could move closer to Tsukishima. He stayed where he was, letting the other man encroach on his space until he could feel the ghost of his breath on his skin. It was dark, and the street was busy- no one noticed the young couple against the wall, no matter how close their embrace was. They might as well have been the only two people in the world. 

Kuroo’s throat bobbed as he swallowed. His own eyes were half-lidded now, and Tsukishima licked his lips. The alpha tilted his head, just slightly, so that their noses wouldn’t bump together.

Then he leaned in.

At the last moment, Tsukishima turned his head to the side- and so did Kuroo, the both of them moving in sync. They were still close- he swore the alpha could feel the shuddering, rabbit beat of his heart- but Kuroo was staring over his shoulder now, not at his lips. 

To kiss him would have been stupid, no matter how much he wanted it. Their time was up, and Tsukishima was a fool to try and claw it back.

“I’ll call you tomorrow.” Kuroo cleared his throat as he stepped back, giving Tsukishima some space. Pale hands folded neatly in front of himself, and he nodded. “It’ll be nice to talk to you some more… g’night, Tsukishima.”

“Goodnight, Kuroo.” The omega echoed. He waited for Kuroo to begin to head off, back down the street, before he turned and descended the steps into the metro station alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i recognise that my headcanons about kei and akiteru’s mother are proven false by canon, but listen: i don’t care.


	3. Innocence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Innocence:** _(noun)_ lack of experience with the world and with the bad things that happen in life; lack of guile or corruption; purity. 

The sound of Tsukishima’s phone ringing made him jump almost out of his skin. His mind raced with who it might be- he didn’t exactly have many friends, and few people even knew yet that he was back in Japan. Akiteru was really the only person who called him (Yamaguchi knew him well enough to be aware he didn’t like speaking on the phone) but it was far too early for him to be awake on a Saturday- if he was, he would have been busy dealing with the twins.

Then he actually looked at the caller ID, and paused; debating for a moment about whether answering the phone to Kuroo Tetsurou would actually be a smart idea. He had nearly kissed him the night before- clearly, he wasn’t very good at controlling himself around him. If he wanted to keep his distance, it would be best to ignore the alpha entirely. 

_Fuck it_ , Tsukishima thought, and answered the call. 

“Kuroo.” He said by way of greeting, balancing the phone between the side of his face and his shoulder as he poured out the tea he’d just boiled into a mug. 

“Tsukishima.” The alpha retorted, and Tsukishima could _hear_ the smirk in his voice. “You’re up early for a Saturday.”

“So are you.” He shrugged his shoulders, carefully carrying his mug over to the table where he sat down, his breakfast already laid out. Leaving the phone lying on loud speaker, he sipped slowly as he spoke. “I don’t like lying in bed all day, unlike some.”

“I’m wounded.” Kuroo laughed. “There’s nothing wrong with being a little lazy when you have a day off work.”

“Still unusual, for you.” Tsukishima shifted slightly in his chair, getting more comfortable. His eyes drifted towards the narrow window in front of him, between the wall and his kitchen cabinet, and gazed out at the city beyond. High rise after high rise, roads and patches of greenery, thousands of people going about a single day in their lives that he knew nothing about. It was comforting, somehow, to be so isolated- he felt like he had no responsibilities.

His own apartment was silent, but over the phone he could hear more noise in Kuroo’s home. Something was frying in the background, and there was music playing somewhere too, some cheerful acoustic song in a different language. Kuroo rarely listened to foreign music- it must have been something Tsukishima introduced him to. It sounded like home, reminding the omega of lazy afternoons spent curled up together with a record spinning on his turntable. 

“Well, I had to get up early to make breakfast.” Kuroo said, bringing Tsukishima back to the present and sitting up a little straighter, pushing his food around his plate. “Do you know how hard it is to make pancakes shaped like rabbits?”

“I can’t say I’ve ever tried.” Tsukishima smiled wryly; entertaining himself with the mental image of Kuroo struggling to shape pancake batter in a frying pan into something that vaguely resembled a rabbit. “Seems like a waste of time.”

“Ama-chan likes them, so…” Tsukishima could hear Kuroo’s voice fading away as he spoke, getting notably smaller and more shy- he regretted bringing her up around Tsukishima, probably because he knew how uncomfortable it was going to make him.

He wasn’t wrong. 

“I get it.” Tsukishima murmured, clearing his throat awkwardly.

“Yeah.” Kuroo sighed, mostly in relief that he hadn’t been hung up on, or had his head bitten off. “What are you having for breakfast?”

_Nice save_ , Tsukishima thought, and hid his smile against his hand even though there was no one around to see it. 

“Toast and yogurt.” He replied, as if he wasn’t ignoring his food, focused utterly on Kuroo’s voice.

“So simple!” The alpha gasped. 

“There’s fruit in the yoghurt.”

“That doesn’t help. You should _cook_ something for breakfast.” He tutted. “It’s good for you.”

“Yoghurt is better for me than pancakes.” Tsukishima pointed out, a fond smile curling up the corners of his lips. “Especially pancakes that you’re going to burn if you keep talking to me like this instead of paying attention to what you’re doing.”

“Ah, I’m fine.” Kuroo insisted. “I’m an expert at this, by now. Pancakes are Ama’s favourite- and I make _delicious_ ones.”

“Shouldn’t you be waking your daughter up to enjoy them, then? Tsukishima pointed out; flexing his fingers unconsciously when he spoke about her. He hadn’t meant to mention the child, but since Kuroo had mentioned them she had been lingering annoyingly at the forefront of his mind. There was silence over the line for a moment, and Kuroo’s voice was a little harder than before when he finally spoke again.

“Nah- she’s not here. She stays at my mom’s house on Friday nights, to give me a bit of a break. I’m just making them for her for when she gets back- she’ll walk through the front door any minute now, probably.”

“So you called me because you were home by yourself and lonely, then?” Tsukishima guessed.

“No, I called you because I wanted to talk to you.” Kuroo laughed, not put off by Tsukishima’s lack of enthusiasm- it wasn’t like it was anything unusual. “I have a five-year-old, it’s a lot of work; the only time I have spare to socialise is when she’s not around. I’m just making the most of the time that I have before she comes home.”

It was a strange thought, somehow- Kuroo in his house with his daughter who he had raised, who he cared for. Tsukishima couldn’t imagine him being that mature, even if he was a teacher. It was a surreal reminder of how old they had both gotten, that Kuroo had a young child who he could take care of with competence. 

“Even if that time is only five minutes?” The omega pushed those thoughts aside to speak again, sighing.

“Even then.” He could _hear_ the warm smile in Kuroo’s voice, and he wasn’t sure how to feel about such an obvious sign of affection. His throat bobbed as he swallowed, momentarily lost for words.

As it turned out, he didn’t need any more words. There was a flurry of noise in the background of the call, muffled voices and Kuroo’s reply of ‘ _kitchen!’_ before he hastily addressed Tsukishima again.

“Ah- my mom’s here with Ama-chan.” He explained quickly, as if it hadn’t been easy to guess. “I said they wouldn’t be long- I’ll talk to you later, alright? Have a good day.”

“You too.” Tsukishima replied, just before the call ended. He looked at the screen of his phone for a moment; briefly, painfully aware of Kuroo’s life without him. Then he shook his head and turned back to his forgotten breakfast, pushing the phone deliberately aside. It wouldn’t do to dwell on that, because there was nothing to dwell on. They were just old friends, talking as friends did, and he was grateful that Kuroo allowed him even that.

Tsukishima spent his day as he did most weekends, wandering aimlessly around his apartment without work to occupy him. Instead his time was spent scattered on different things, books or television or texting Yamaguchi (he didn’t tell him about Kuroo, keeping him to himself like a dirty little secret). The phone call from that morning dwelled on his mind, but it didn’t sour his mood. As much as he hated to admit it, it had been good to talk to Kuroo. 

It was dark outside when the phone rang again. Pausing the documentary that he had been watching, Tsukishima answered it without thinking.

“Good evening.” A familiar voice purred.

“Nine at night is hardly evening anymore.” Tsukishima retorted, curling up tighter and cuddling closer into the corner he’d wedged himself in, a blanket thrown over his legs and pillows at his sides. Hearing Kuroo’s voice again made him settle more comfortably.

“It’s just a greeting.” Kuroo laughed, and there was a creaking of springs as he presumably threw himself dramatically onto his bed- Tsukishima had seen him do it many, many times. “Anyway. Ama-chan is asleep, and I finished all of my chores like a good boy, so I thought I’d call you. What are you doing?”

“I was watching a documentary.” Tsukishima made casual air quotes at the last word. “About which dinosaurs would win in certain fights… it’s utterly ridiculous.”

“Sounds like the kind of thing you hate.”

“It is. I’m watching it to be salty.”

Kuroo laughed again, at that, and Tsukishima hid a smile behind his hand.

“Is mindless entertainment all you’ve done all day?” The alpha asked.

“Something like that, yes.”

“Sounds amazing.” Kuroo yawned into the phone. “I’m exhausted…” Presumably, looking after his child all day had tired him out, but he didn’t say that. Tsukishima chose to believe that it was out of consideration for him, and was quietly grateful. Mentions of Kuroo’s daughter still made him squirm in discomfort.

“You should go to bed, then, instead of calling me.” Tsukishima chided, and hoped that Kuroo wouldn’t listen. Five years away from him had made him forget how much he loved the sound of his voice. He feared that if this kept up for too long, he was going to do something stupid. Another something stupid. 

“I am in bed.” The alpha murmured. “I’m just calling you too.”

“You should go to _sleep,_ then.”

“Mhm… in a bit. Read me a bedtime story.”

Tsukishima laughed a little at that, wondering who had ever thought it was a good idea to let Kuroo raise a child when he was still one himself. He knew that once Kuroo got an idea into his head, there was no way that he would let it go, and so he conceded.

"Once upon a time there was a handsome prince. He looked sexy and it fooled everyone into thinking he was suave; but in actuality, he never shut the fuck up, so his concubine smothered him with a pillow.”

Over the phone, Kuroo laughed, and Tsukishima flushed a little pink. That was probably crossing the boundaries that he had set for himself when it came to their relationship, but being around Kuroo meant a certain loss of self control that couldn’t be helped. 

“That was beautiful.” Kuroo teased. “You should have been a writer.”

“Thank you, I know. Will you go to bed now?” The omega asked dryly. 

“Alright, alright.” Kuroo said. “Wow, Tsukki, it’s almost like you don’t _want_ to talk to me.”

_I do_.

“Stop calling me Tsukki.” He wrinkled his nose. He hadn’t liked it when he was fifteen, and he didn’t like it now. “And _get some sleep_.” After a moment’s hesitation, he added, “You can call me again in the morning.”

“Alright.” Kuroo repeated. “Goodnight, Tsukishima.”

“Goodnight, Kuroo.”

 

***

 

Kuroo did call him in the morning.

He called him in the evening after that, too.

Then the next morning. 

It went on like that: Kuroo would call him in the early hours of the morning and the quiet parts of the evening, after he had put his daughter to bed and before she woke up- presumably so that she wouldn’t overhead them or interrupt. It reminded Tsukishima of when they had been teenagers, calling and texting since the gap between Tokyo and Miyagi was too great to meet in person most of the time. Except this time, it wasn’t a physical gap, but one born out of five years of silence that Tsukishima had forced between them. 

He didn’t know how to feel about that gap beginning to close. Alarm bells were ringing in his head, because he knew that there was no way he could have Kuroo back- not after everything that had happened. So to allow himself to get close to him again seemed foolish; he should have just been focusing on building up the life for himself that he wanted in Tokyo. 

And yet, it was _good_ to talk to the alpha, to acknowledge that he had missed him and allow himself to indulge in his presence again, even if it was only over the phone. Every time he called, he felt like a breathless teenager again, his heart thrumming against his ribcage like a trapped bird at the sound of his voice. 

Kuroo was just as hopelessly irresistible as he had always been.

The following Friday, Tsukishima’s phone rang earlier than he had been expecting, and he remembered what the alpha had said about his daughter spending Friday nights at her grandmother’s house. 

“ _Good_ evening,” Kuroo purred, when Tsukishima picked up. “I hope you were eagerly awaiting my call.”

“Actually, I just have nothing better to do.” The omega sighed heavily. It was technically true, but only because Kuroo’s calls had become one of the highlights of his day. The conversation flowed more easily for him than it did anyone else, and the alpha remained one of the very few people that he didn’t actively avoid interacting with.

“Oh,” Kuroo started, after the small talk about how their respective days had gone died away. “Do you work Saturdays?”

“No.” Even if the alpha couldn’t see it, Tsukishima tilted his head curiously. “Why?”

“Kenma is taking Ama-chan to the museum on Saturday to look at the dinosaurs.” Kuroo said. He was very obviously trying to keep his tone casual, which only succeeded in making it not casual at all. Tsukishima stiffened slightly where he sat. “I just thought you might run into them.”

“No.” Tsukishima shook his head. _No_ , he would go out of his way to avoid ‘running into’ Kenma and Kuroo’s daughter. “I’m not working, and I wouldn’t have seen them anyway- I work behind the scenes. No public interaction whatsoever.”

“Ah, well.” Kuroo muttered awkwardly. “Just thought that I would give you a heads up.”

“I appreciate that.” Tsukishima said, coolly. “But I didn’t need it.”

Any time Kuroo’s daughter was brought up- or there was a notable gap in the conversation where she clearly should have fit- there was always a moment of awkwardness. She was a persistent elephant in the room, always on Tsukishima’s mind ( _what is she like? Does she look like him? Is she good for her father, does she behave?_ ) but having her explicitly mentioned always stalled things a little. 

“Anyway, uh…” Kuroo cleared his throat, immediately launching into a discussion of some stupid thing or other that Bokuto had done. It was an obvious distraction, but that didn’t mean that Tsukishima was any less grateful for it.

When Saturday afternoon actually rolled around, however, Tsukishima began to wish that he had paid a little more attention to Kuroo’s warning. Constantly distracted by the alpha’s numerous phone calls, he hadn’t realised he was out of dashi stock until he’d already decided to have oyakodon for lunch and cut up the chicken for it. Hastily leaving the meat in the fridge, he’d hurried out to buy some stock before he got too hungry. 

Having left his headphones at home in his rush, Tsukishima was met with the unpleasant experience of actually hearing the conversations of people around him as he made his way through the streets. The nearest supermarket was thankfully not far from his apartment, but he was still annoyed that he’d had to make the trip at all. He blamed Kuroo, because if Kuroo was back in his life, then every bad thing that happened to Tsukishima had to be his fault.

Ignoring the snatches of conversation he caught when he passed by groups of people, the omega was almost to the store when he realised he should maybe have been listening a little more closely.

“Tsukishima? Tsukishima!”

He really should have been listening. By the time he’d realised Kuroo was calling and waving to him, he had to quickly reach out his hands against the alpha’s toned chest to avoid knocking into him. He backed up hastily, his brow furrowing.

“Tsukishima.” Kuroo laughed. “Hi.”

“You don’t live here.” It wasn’t what Tsukishima had meant to say, but he was caught off-guard and frazzled by it. It was only after he had spoken that it occurred to him he really had no idea where Kuroo lived anymore. Their _old_ apartment just hadn’t been here.

“You’re right, I don’t.” At least Kuroo seemed amused rather than offended. “I was just passing through- I promised I’d meet Kenma and Ama-chan halfway to pick her up…”

_Oh, no_.

Tsukishima heard a vague roaring sound in his ears. As Kuroo’s voice faded out, he glanced around the street, half-expecting to see nothing at all that would cause him to panic.

He wasn’t that lucky.

Even at twenty eight, Kenma was still bleaching his hair, and apparently still taking poor care of his roots. He looked, if possible, even more exhausted with his life than the last time he’d seen him, which Tsukishima could identify with. 

And around his legs danced an excited little girl, jumping up and down a little as she pointed across the street at her father. 

Tsukishima forgot how to breathe.

“One sec.” Kuroo excused himself with an awkward smile, before he hastily crossed the road to meet Kenma and the child. 

Tsukishima could have escaped. He could have dashed into the supermarket and hidden until Kuroo and his… spawn, had left, and avoided the inevitable confrontation that was about to happen. But he couldn’t tear himself away. 

_Stupid_. 

The girl was clinging tightly to Kenma’s hand, huddled close against his side, but the moment Kuroo had crossed the road she ran to him. As Tsukishima watched, he picked her up and swung her around, and the omega could see her laughing as Kuroo held her on his hip. She was likely too old for that, now, but her father was strong and he didn’t seem to care. It was surreal to watch, like a film he’d glimpsed only snapshots of after falling asleep in front of the television- the girl begging to be let down so that she could run to Kenma and hug his legs while he patted her hair, the way she waved as he left and would have ran after him if Kuroo hadn’t been holding onto her hand: all the unconditional love that children had for those who cared for them. 

Something that Tsukishima had never experienced. 

The curious detachment turned to icy horror in his veins when he saw Kuroo turn back towards the omega and point, and the little girl follow his gaze.

_Run. Run, run, run_.

He couldn’t- he was rooted to the spot. All he could do was watch as Kuroo crossed the road again to come back over to him, his daughter tugging excitedly at his hand. 

Tsukishima was still standing there like an asshole as Kuroo stopped in front of him, an apologetic little smile on his face as the child bounced excitedly around his ankles.

“She wanted to meet you.” He explained, shrugging awkwardly, and all Tsukishima could do was nod through the vague sense of horror in him. Why, why did Kuroo’s daughter want to meet him? What could he have told her to make her want that?

Kuroo’s daughter was the spitting image of her father. Even as a child with baby fat filling out her cheeks, she had his pointy chin, sharp features that she would grow into. She had his dark hair, too, wild enough that the two braids it had been carefully woven into were struggling to contain it. She looked exactly like him, unmistakably his child.

Except for her eyes. She had big, round eyes, shining bright and the colour of gold coins. It was, apparently, the only thing that she had inherited from her mother’s side; Tsukishima had met Kuroo’s family. None of them had gold eyes.

“Tsukishima,” Kuroo said, hesitant and apologetic. “This is Am-”

“Kuroo Amaterasu!” The girl interrupted him before he could finish, grinning up at Tsukishima and flashing him a peace sign before she dropped her hand with a giggle. One of her front teeth was missing. She was _adorable_ , even for someone who would be the first to admit that they disliked children. He wanted to be sick. 

“Amaterasu.” Tsukishima echoed in a shaky voice, after an awkwardly long beat of silence. So that was what _Ama-chan_ had been short for all this time. “You have a very pretty name.” He had always liked that name for a little girl, thought it was elegant and lovely. Unable to stop himself, he added, “I would have picked that name too, if I had a daughter.” 

When Tsukishima looked back up from Amaterasu to meet Kuroo’s eyes again, something had changed in his face. The alpha’s gaze was murderous, his eyes narrowed and dark and teeth gritted behind his lips. Tsukishima felt his heart sink. Things had gone so well when they first met up again that he’d all but forgotten the alpha had a reason to be angry with him; the reminder of it was sharply unpleasant. He could hear the girl giggling sweetly at the compliment, but she seemed somehow very far away. 

Kuroo took a deep breath, broad shoulders rising and falling as the creased smoothed back out of his face- his temper coming back under control. 

“Okay, Ama,” The alpha smiled, ruffling her messy hair affectionately. Ama made a disgruntled noise, pouting up at her father as she batted his hands away and made him laugh. “You met Tsukishima.” Once again, he gave the omega in question an apologetic look. 

“Nice to meet you.” Tsukishima said, hollowly. He hoped his smile didn’t look as unreal and wooden as it felt. 

“Nice to meet you too.” Ama chirped. _At least Kuroo taught her manners_ , Tsukishima thought vaguely, but he wasn’t really surprised. When they were still dating, he had always thought that Kuroo would have been a good father. Seemingly satisfied with the brief meeting that had occurred- Tsukishima hadn’t run screaming, so that was a win- Kuroo asked the little girl,

“Do you wanna go get lunch now, like we said we would? You can tell me all about your day.”

Big golden eyes flickered up towards Tsukishima, before she glanced back at her father.

“Doesn’t your friend want to come with us, Daddy?”

Tsukishima felt his heart sink. Of course Kuroo would have taught his daughter to be kind; and she was too young to understand why such an offer could be cruel. 

“Tsukishima’s probably busy, Ama-chan.” Kuroo shook his head, glancing up briefly at the omega. He watched as Ama’s face fell, her little nose wrinkling up in distaste; her features exactly like Kuroo’s, her golden eyes. 

“Actually,” He found himself saying, even as a frantic voice in his head screamed something along the lines of _no, stop_ , “I was only out to get something for lunch. If you’re eating, I could come with you.”

Ama’s face immediately lit up again, and she tugged frantically on Kuroo’s hand, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. 

“Can he come, Daddy?”

“Ama, you don’t know Tsukishima.” Kuroo pointed out, sounding bemused. He was smiling at her, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Does it really matter if he comes with us or not?”

“ _Yes_.” Ama insisted firmly. “You said he was your friend, so you need to be nice to him. I bet he’s nice too!”

Kuroo snorted at that, and Tsukishima almost smiled. Poor, naive Ama; thinking about how wrong she was hurt him more than he would have expected, and he found himself surprisingly eager to make it up to her. 

“I really don’t mind coming along.” The omega said, drawing Kuroo’s gaze again. For a moment, the two of them just looked at each other, and Kuroo’s face was unfathomable. His brow was furrowed in a slight frown, eyes deep and dark. He didn’t look like he trusted Tsukishima- like he was waiting for him to disappear into a puff of smoke at any moment.

“Alright.” Kuroo relented, finally. “I’m clearly outnumbered, here.”

“Yes!” Ama beamed brightly, before she turned towards Tsukishima. “Follow me!”

The girl turned around to get a head start on the two adults, skipping off down the street. The hood of the jacket that she was wearing over her ladybug t-shirt, he noticed, had cat ears on it, and the socks on her feet had mismatched patterns. 

“She’s cute.” Tsukishima observed, quietly. Even if he didn’t like children, he could see that. Ama was adorable, and happy, and innocent.

When he looked at Kuroo, the alpha’s uncertain expression had morphed into an outright glare, his jaw set in a hard line as he gave Tsukishima a stern look. The blond almost took a step backwards out of intimidated surprise. 

“I know that she’s cute. She’s _my_ little girl.” He said, quietly. He looked away, his eyes finding his daughter in the crowd so that he could follow her. “Come on.”

Without thinking, Tsukishima did, falling into step at Kuroo’s side. He didn’t say anything about the way the alpha’s expression soured when Ama wasn’t looking- he understood it, truthfully. It seemed unlikely that Kuroo would want him here, with his child. He had only done it, Tsukishima thought, to make Ama happy. If she was as much like her father in personality as she was in looks, it would have been nearly impossible to persuade her to give up on Tsukishima joining them for dinner, no matter how obedient and polite she was. And of course, Kuroo would have done anything to make her happy.

The trio ended up in a ramen shop, seated in a little table in one corner. The outward-facing walls of the shop were all glass windows, and Ama seemed fascinated by the view outside, kicking her feet as her wide golden eyes watched the people go by. Sipping at her drink and gazing out at the city, she seemed oddly quiet for a child of her age- or, perhaps that was just Tsukishima’s biased view that all children were loud, annoying little beasts showing through. Either way, he found himself watching her carefully, studying her features and wondering what she could be thinking about- his own habit of quiet observance had started when he was a child, too, and he couldn’t help but feel a small sense of camaraderie when she was being quieter. Children were awful, but perhaps he should have guessed that, if anyone, he would find _Kuroo’s_ child bearable. After all, Kuroo was the only one who had ever been able to make Tsukishima feel the way he had about him. The way that, admittedly, he still did.

Besides- Amaterasu was drinking a strawberry milkshake, and she’d asked for it before she realised that Tsukishima had ordered the same thing. He could get along with anyone who appreciated that strawberry was the best flavour for anything. 

“Hey, space cadet,” Tsukishima’s gaze flickered back to Kuroo when he spoke, watching him nudge Ama’s elbow to get her attention. “Your food’s gonna get cold if you don’t eat it soon.” With that, he went back to his own food- it was just a small bit of guidance, but Ama obeyed instantly, tucking into her noodles. Satisfied that his daughter was eating, Kuroo asked, “So how did the museum go?”

“It was super cool!” Ama trilled, albeit muffled around a mouthful of noodles. Tsukishima wrinkled his nose, and almost reflexively told her not to talk with her mouth full, before remembering that he wasn’t her parent and it wasn’t his place. Kuroo said nothing, since he was a disgusting animal with the exact same habit. “We saw all the dinosaurs- and the stuff that isn’t dinosaurs either!”

“Yeah? Like what?” Kuroo encouraged gently. The look on his face almost made Tsukishima hurt to see, so heartbreakingly sincere and full of adoration. Not for the first time, he remembered that he’d had his reasons for leaving Japan, and that they had been _good_ reasons. If he’d stayed, Kuroo might have been deprived of this experience, of getting to be a parent. He couldn’t have done that to him. 

“Uhm- plesiosaurs! And stuff!” Ama replied, and Tsukishima perked up slightly in interest. The last five year old he’d met who could talk about what a _plesiosaur_ was had been, well, himself. 

“So you didn’t go to any of the other exhibits?”

Ama hung her head shamefully.

“No- Kenma said we should have so I learn more stuff, but I really just wanted to see the dinosaurs…”

“Do you like dinosaurs, Amaterasu?” Tsukishima asked before he could think about it, which was probably a good thing. If he had thought, he would have talked himself out of it. Immediately, the girl’s eyes lit up.

“Yeah! They’re _so cool_ \- and, Uncle Koutarou bought me this book about how they had feathers, so they were really cute and fluffy _and_ still, like- rargh!” Here, Ama dropped her chopsticks to imitate claws with her fingers, and Tsukishima saw Kuroo snort into his ramen. “And I think that’s _awesome_.”

“It’s pretty awesome.” Tsukishima agreed, trying not to smile. Amaterasu liked dinosaurs. He hadn’t even wanted to _meet_ Kuroo’s daughter, the thought of it had horrified him. And now he remembered why- he had been afraid of this, the part where she endeared herself to him and he was helpless to stop it. He really shouldn’t have come. “What’s your favourite?”

“Triceratops!” Ama replied immediately and with great enthusiasm, almost upsetting her bowl of ramen before Kuroo reached wordlessly across to steady it- silently looking out for her. “I like ichthyosaurus, too- but, did you know they weren’t actually dinosaurs?” She was so eager to imparther knowledge that Tsukishima almost felt bad about replying with a soft laugh,

“Yes, I did know that.”

Across the table, Tsukishima realised that he was being watched. Kuroo’s eyes were fixed on him carefully, his expression unfathomable once again as he looked at him. But his eyes weren’t narrowed so much, his features a little more open. The omega couldn’t help but get the impression that he was being judged.

He also couldn’t help but get the impression that he was surprising him. 

“Ama-chan,” The alpha spoke up finally before his daughter could respond, a slow smile spreading across his face. “Tsukishima works at the museum, you know. He’s a palaeontologist.”

Ama’s mouth fell open comically, and she jumped slightly in her chair like she could hardly contain herself.

“That’s so _cool!_ ” She cried, and that was that- the omega didn’t have a moment of peace for the rest of the meal. Ama wanted to know everything about his job, about his studies, anything that he could tell her about dinosaurs. He even started to try and explain his PhD thesis to her until Kuroo made silencing motions when it became apparent that Tsukishima himself had gotten too deeply invested in the conversation, and started using words that even the most dinosaur-devoted of five year olds wouldn’t have been able to understand. When he looked back at her, the blank look on Ama’s face was both hilarious and almost enchanting- she really was cute. Like a smaller, thankfully less-annoying Kuroo. 

Eventually, Kuroo managed to calm Ama down enough that she could finish her ramen- and so could Tsukishima- and the three of them left the shop. The omega had assumed that they would part ways there, until Ama piped up with, _“Daddy, can we get ice cream?”_ Kuroo being Kuroo, of course they then had to search for the nearest ice cream place to give his daughter what he wanted. Tsukishima trailed along a little bit behind the pair, a quiet contrast to the boundless enthusiasm and energy that was clearly written into the Kuroo genome. Once the conversation about dinosaurs and his work with them had died away, Ama latched right back onto her father’s side, and that was understandable. Tsukishima was only here because Ama had got it into her head that he was Kuroo’s friend, and therefore should be spending time with her father. He wasn’t a part of their small family. 

When they found an ice cream place, however, Ama stood quiet and patient next to Tsukishima while Kuroo bought her dessert- neither he nor the omega had wanted anything. Tsukishima shifted awkwardly on the spot, at a loss for what to do with the girl, before she reached up without ceremony and took his hand. 

Instantly, Tsukishima went still, and the alarm bells that he’d silenced while Ama rambled about dinosaurs started ringing again. She was a _child_ , and he wanted nothing to do with the clinginess and total dependency that came with children. Kuroo had signed up for that, not him. 

Luckily, Kuroo was a god and a saviour and turned back towards them at just the right time. When he saw Tsukishima’s hand trapped within Ama, he reacted quickly. 

“Ama, don’t do that.” He chastised, holding out her ice cream cone for her (it was strawberry flavoured, just like the milkshake had been). “Here you go, sunshine.”

_Sunshine_. The nickname suited her, Tsukishima thought- bright and golden. A far cry from the cold, untouchable moon. 

Thankfully, Ama immediately let go of Tsukishima’s hand to take the ice cream cone, and he was free again. The omega breathed out a soft sigh, able to physically feel the tension leave his shoulders now that he didn’t have to watch or touch the little girl anymore. 

“Come on, we’ll head home.” Kuroo said, and took Ama’s free hand instead. 

Tsukishima had assumed that Kuroo would have moved since he’d left. The cramped little flat they had shared together in the middle of Tokyo didn’t exactly seem like the ideal place to bring up a child, and he was right. Kuroo had a house with a garden a little away from the city, in the complete opposite direction to Tsukishima’s own small apartment. There was barely enough room for himself in there, after all.

Nevertheless, the nearest metro station was close enough that Tsukishima lingered with Kuroo and Ama until they reached it, walking along with them. It felt like they’d been out for no time at all, but he remembered that Ama had already been to the museum with Kenma that day, and the changes in her grew more and more obvious the longer they walked through the streets. She was still only a little girl, and she was getting tired and cranky, only the promise of getting home soon for a nap keeping her going. About halfway to the station, when she stopped walking to rub her eyes, Kuroo simply picked her up without missing a beat to let her ride on his broad shoulders. That woke her up a little, at least, laughing in delight at how high up she was- then laughing more when she realised she could make a game out of the way her father winced when she tugged on his messy hair. Tsukishima watched, shaking his head at the way Kuroo weathered it and quietly admiring him for it. He was a good parent, and the simple domesticity of the way he interacted with Amaterasu felt like a scene that the omega was watching through glass. He would never have been able to do anything like that. 

At the station, Kuroo lifted Ama off of her shoulders to set her down, hushing her protestations gently.

“Daddy, I wanna go.” She whined, tugging at the hem of his shirt and butting her head into his side while Kuroo rolled his eyes. 

“We’re going, we’re going.” He assured her gently. “But we have to say bye to Tsukishima first, yeah? Or it’s rude.”

Golden eyes found him where he stood a little further away than necessary, as if she’d forgotten that he was there in the excitement of being able to see the city from six feet up. Nevertheless, a momentary burst of energy had Ama bounding forwards, and she threw her arms around Tsukishima in a hug that made him seize up like a statue.

“Bye, Tsukki!” Ama chirped brightly, before she backed up to sink into a bow, her braids bouncing. “It was nice to meet you! Please say hello to the dinosaurs for me!”

_Adorable_. 

Satisfied with the goodbye, Kuroo gave a short nod before he spoke to his daughter.

“Go wait by the stairs for me, okay sunshine?” He requested, and watched like a hawk as Ama ran off to do as she was told. Keeping one eye on his daughter, he finally turned back to the omega; and once again, for a moment, he just looked at him. Tsukishima couldn’t help but feel stripped bare underneath his eyes, and if it had gone on for much longer he might have snapped. Thankfully, Kuroo spoke first.

“Thank you.” The alpha said, his voice open and honest. Tsukishima blinked.

“What?”

“Thank you.” Kuroo repeated. “I know you hate kids, and I know that you didn’t want to be around Ama-chan. But you were nice to her today, and you made her happy. So thank you, for that.”

“She wasn’t as bad as I was expecting.” Tsukishima said after a beat of helpless silence, and immediately regretted it. What kind of thing to say was that?

“Please don’t give my daughter backhanded compliments.” Kuroo sighed, before glancing towards where the girl in question was patiently waiting. For all her energy, at least she seemed like a good girl. “I do mean it, though. Thank you.”

This time, Tsukishima just shrugged, and Kuroo gave him a critical look before he took a small step forwards.

The hug that he gave him was only a little less awkward than Ama’s, but in a different way. He had missed those arms around him, Kuroo’s unique scent that used to be woven into all of his clothes. Being so suddenly, viscerally reminded of what he used to have ( _again_ ) left Tsukishima feeling slightly shellshocked when he pulled away.

“I’ll see you around.” Kuroo smiled. “And I’ll call you tonight.”

“I’ll be waiting.” Tsukishima couldn’t help but respond, because it was true. It was painfully true, he thought as he watched Kuroo hurry to join Ama and wondered if the conversation that started between them involved deflecting accusations of flirting, or if she was too young to tease him like that yet- he really didn’t know anything about children. He’d be waiting for Kuroo to call, to hear his voice again, even if it meant having to spend time around Ama. The thought wasn’t so daunting anymore, at least. 

_I really am stupid._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel like this took a while oops
> 
> anyway! my beta reader and irl bestie (<3) [rivka](http://rivkae.tumblr.com/) very kindly made a playlist for this fic which is awesome and on [8tracks](http://8tracks.com/elvamire/falling-slowly) if you, like me, are also a fan of sad indie music.
> 
> i've also been listening to [war of hearts](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49ZhrgtR-S4) a lot while writing this.
> 
> until next time, etc. xx


	4. Opia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> from [The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows](http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/):
> 
>  **Opia:** _(noun)_ the ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye, which can feel simultaneously invasive and vulnerable—their pupils glittering, bottomless and opaque—as if you were peering through a hole in the door of a house, able to tell that there’s someone standing there, but unable to tell if you’re looking in or looking out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took a little while for several reasons including feelings bullshit and dabbling with another hq!! project, but mostly because my exams start on june 10th and i've been studying my ass off
> 
> the next chapter may also take a little while, because my exams finish on june 23rd and i need to keep studying my ass off until then

Tsukishima woke feeling slow and heavy, his limbs pleasantly tired as he moved from his bed to the kitchenette to brew himself a nice mug of pitch black coffee. Fixing his glasses on the bridge of his nose, the omega pushed back his hair from his face and let his head loll to one side, golden eyes straying towards where his phone still lay next to his bed. 

He didn’t know how or why he had allowed Kuroo to worm his way back into his life, but it had happened. The morning and evening phone calls had become a routine startlingly quickly, and Tsukishima knew that there was a fond look on his face as he stood in anticipation of hearing his phone ring so that he could talk to the alpha again. 

Phone in one hand, coffee mug in the other, Tsukishima sank into the seat at his kitchen table; taking a slow sip from his drink as he gazed down at his phone screen. The picture on his lockscreen was one of the default backgrounds, coldly impersonal compared to the beaming picture of Ama that he remembered Kuroo’s being. This was usually about the time that his screen would go dark and then light up again with Kuroo’s name, the first of two calls that Tsukishima was sure to get throughout the day. 

Today, Kuroo didn’t call.

Tsukishima wanted to be thankful that he had been able to eat his breakfast and then wash up after himself without interruption, and he hated that it seems to be impossible for him. Insecurity made his heart flutter slightly, and he found himself thinking back to the day before, wondering if he had done anything to make Kuroo abandon him. He supposed he wouldn’t blame him, if he had, supposed it would just be payback… But it seemed awfully sudden…

Fixing himself a cup of tea this time, Tsukishima sank down in front of his television, his gaze fixed on the documentary playing out on the screen without actually taking in any of it as he mulled over the day before. As far as he could recall, he hadn’t treated Kuroo any differently to the way that he always had, even before he had left. 

So it had to be Ama, then. Something about meeting the girl had made Kuroo realise that he didn’t want to be around Tsukishima. And he supposed he could understand that, too. His mind went back over the day before again, thinking about the child this time, whether he might have upset her or whether seeing the two of them together had just reminded Kuroo of everything that had happened before Tsukishima left Japan. After all-

The phone rang.

Blinking, Tsukishima reached for it and answered without thinking, raising it to his ear.

“Good morning, Kei.” Kuroo purred into his ear, and the omega flushed darkly enough that he found himself _incredibly_ glad the other man wasn’t around to see it.

“Morning.” Tsukishima replied, fidgeting awkwardly with the hem of his shirt. It wasn’t even like he could confront Kuroo about the delay; that would mean admitting that he’d noticed it, and more than that, that it had bothered him. There was no way he was going to willingly shatter his illusion of cool detachment in such an effective way, even if Kuroo had seen all of his softer sides already, years ago.

“I hope you slept well last night.” Kuroo’s voice was just as warm as ever, and Tsukishima flushed; embarrassed that he had ever thought the alpha might not want to speak to him anymore, and that he had freaked out so much over it. Kuroo had always been clingy, and he had always been the pursuer. He wasn’t just going to drop out over anything trivial.

As he listened to him speak, Tsukishima cradled the phone close to his ear, allowing his thoughts to drift back to the greeting that he had been given- _Kei_. He had forgotten over the years how sweet his given name sounded on Kuroo’s lips, especially since he seemed to have been avoiding using it lately for the past few times they’d spoken. Now that it was in his mouth again, the omega was bitterly reminded of how much he missed it, how Kuroo could make three simple letters sound like music to heat up his cheeks. 

He was barely even paying attention to the other man’s words, just curling up in a loose ball of long limbs to relax as he listened to the deep tones of his voice, familiar and comforting and _alpha_. Tsukishima had that voice whispered into his ear more than once, in person, and it was just as enchanting and commanding as he remembered it being- a bittersweet little reminder of when he had been Kuroo’s mate. He could have listened to Kuroo speak forever.

Of course, that wasn’t possible; both because it was an entirely illogical want, and because the universe had never been particularly inclined to make things go well for Tsukishima.

“ _Daaad_!”

Tsukishima’s eyes snapped open when he heard the other voice, somewhere in the background of the call. He recognised it from yesterday as Ama’s, of course, but that didn’t mean that he had been expecting to hear her. So far, she had been utterly absent from all of his quiet conversations with Kuroo in the small hours of the day.

“Hold on a sec.” Kuroo excused himself quickly, before there was a clatter that presumably came from him setting down the phone so that he could see to his daughter, and Tsukishima was left alone. He could still hear the muffled voices on the other end of the line, parent and child speaking to each other and occasionally laughing. It was a completely normal experience- he would say that his nieces interrupted at least half of the phone calls he had with Akiteru, and they had a mother that they could be bothering as well as their father, whereas Kuroo was apparently Ama’s sole carer. It was more unusual that she _hadn’t_ caused a disruption to any of their conversations so far, and Tsukishima understood why she would now that Kuroo was calling him later in the day when she was undoubtedly out of bed.

And yet. It was a change from what had started to become his routine, and because of that, he didn’t quite like it.

“Sorry about that.” Kuroo apologised, when he returned to the line a few minutes later. There was a soft, fond laugh edging his voice, just another facet of his seemingly endless affection for his daughter. Tsukishima supposed that was what parents were supposed to be like; adoring of their children. It just wasn’t something that he had ever experienced himself. “Ama needed to see me for a sec… but, hey,” Tsukishima perked up upon hearing that, since it seemed like Kuroo had something more important to say than the idle chat that had occupied their conversations so far. “I was wondering if you wanted to meet up again sometime. Today, even? I enjoyed seeing you yesterday, so…”

_Yes_ , was the answer that instantly came to mind for the omega. He wanted to see Kuroo again so badly that it almost hurt, even though they had only been parted for a few hours- the thought was faintly frightening, that he had allowed himself to become so attached again in such a short time when he had wanted to remain isolated. Caring for Kuroo, he was still convinced, was unlikely to end well.

And yet he wanted to say yes anyway.

Before he could open his mouth, however, he heard more noise in the background. She wasn’t calling for her father, this time, but he could hear Ama’s voice somewhere over the call; too indistinct to hear what she was saying, but it had the cadence of a child at play. Not bothering Kuroo, or intruding on the conversation in any way, but still there.

“Ah… no, thank you. I’m a little busy today.” Tsukishima replied finally, lying over the phone. His weekends were the time when he deliberately scheduled nothing but his own free time. If he wanted, he could easily have gone to see Kuroo. 

He thought he had wanted to, but now he wasn’t so sure. Ama, he knew from yesterday, was as sweet a little girl as he had ever come across, far more tolerable than even his own nieces. But she was still _Kuroo’s_ little girl, and no matter how lovely she was there would always be something undeniably uncomfortable about interacting too much with his ex-boyfriend’s offspring. She was just a reminder of what he had given up when he left, everything that he had thrown away.

And besides- Tsukishima had never liked children anyway.

“Oh.” The note of disappointment in Kuroo’s voice was so obvious that Tsukishima was instantly convinced he wasn’t even _trying_ to hide it. “Are you sure?”

“Positive. Maybe another time?” Even as he said it, Tsukishima wasn’t confident that there would ever be another time. Kuroo would always have Ama to look after, and Tsukishima didn’t think that he would ever want to be around Ama. Their meeting the day before had been an accident, and even if it wasn’t the disaster that he had anticipated, it still wasn’t an accident that he wanted to repeat if he could help it. He remembered the way that Kuroo had looked at him, sometimes, the old bitterness and anger. 

He didn’t want to see Kuroo look at him like that again.

“Another time.” The alpha confirmed regardless, because of course he did. Of course he would want to see him again, no matter what. Tsukishima’s stomach twisted. “Anyway,” Kuroo added, and just like that, things were back to normal- it was like any other conversation that they had been having over the phone for the past week, except that now Tsukishima would occasionally hear snatches of Ama’s voice in the background since the call hadn’t been relegated to the hours before she woke up. 

Just as quickly as Tsukishima’s routine phone calls had _become_ routine, they shifted. He didn’t anticipate them just before breakfast or bed now. Any time that Kuroo wasn’t at work, he might call him, and Tsukishima would usually be able to hear Ama in the background- occasionally the foreground, when she felt the need to get her father’s attention. Kuroo wasn’t hiding her from him anymore, Tsukishima realised. He must have assumed that, since he had met Ama the day before and hadn’t run screaming, that he was comfortable with her now.

He would be wrong. Tsukishima had nothing against Ama; but he still didn’t like children, and her existence as Kuroo’s daughter made him uncomfortable. All the sweetness in the world wouldn’t change that. 

Not that he was planning to admit to that. Kuroo seemed to be back in his life, now, and as shameful and foolish as it was, Tsukishima wanted to keep things that way. He wasn’t going to drive him away by trying to explain how much he _did not want_ to see his daughter, especially since Kuroo seemed to be blind to the reason Tsukishima kept dodging coming to see him- because he kept asking, repeatedly. Just as the phone calls were a routine, so was Kuroo asking him each time he called if he wanted to come over. Each time Tsukishima refused, but the alpha never seemed deterred, and he hated how much it made him smile. Kuroo had always been tenacious about trying to encourage Tsukishima out of his shell. 

However, it seemed as if every new routine would only last a week- like the universe was determined to prevent Tsukishima from feeling settled in his new life. On Thursday night, the routine shifted again. He had thought that Kuroo was oblivious to the fact that he didn’t want to be around Ama, but now the omega wasn’t so sure.

“So,” Kuroo spoke into a lull of silence during one of their calls, in that tone of voice that made it achingly easy for Tsukishima to see that characteristic smirk in his mind’s eye. “Can I convince you to come over tonight? I’ve got some strawberry cake in the fridge, you know- Ama likes it.”

“Tempting as that is,” Tsukishima bit back a laugh. “I have to decline. Again.” He could hear a child’s voice in the background, the characteristic sounds that he had come to recognise as Ama playing with her toys in the same room that Kuroo was speaking on the phone.

“Another night, then?” Kuroo asked, and before Kei could play things off with his usual _maybe_ , suggested “Tomorrow?”

“Uhm.” Tsukishima began, eloquently, but Kuroo’s enthusiasm cut him off before he could actually finish what he had been trying to say. 

“Because it’s Friday tomorrow. Ama-chan will be staying at my mom’s house that night.”

Tsukishima paused. For a moment, he wondered if Kuroo was telling him that because he knew that Tsukishima was avoiding the house only because of Ama’s presence; or if he just wanted to emphasise that they would be _alone together_. Even though it meant that he had been found out, Tsukishima find himself hoping it was the former, because the implications of the latter were too tempting to bear thinking about.

“Sure.” He replied in the end, a cautious note to his voice that Kuroo either didn’t notice or chose to ignore.

“Great!” Kuroo chirped. “I’ll see you then- say, six? I’ll get you my address, hang on…”

The alpha’s voice sounded so cheerful, like just being told that the omega would come and see him had made his day, even Tsukishima couldn’t bear to put a damper on his mood. He just sat and listened as Kuroo gave him directions, pretending that he wasn’t aware of the small smile curving the corers of his lips.

 

***

 

Tsukishima didn’t know what to wear.

It wasn’t a problem he was used to; his wardrobe was full of a selection of button-downs, skinny jeans and cardigans that he could pick from at random and still be assured that he looked put together, and he rarely cared about looking _good_.

Tonight was different. Omega instinct demanded he make himself pretty for the alpha he was interested in, wear something that would flatter his narrow waist and the flare of his hips to show off the fertility he no longer possessed. But dressing up would have made it seem like a date, and it wasn’t. He was just going toes Kuroo. At his home. Alone.

At least he could lay the blame for his feelings at the feet of his instincts; pretend his desire for Kuroo was the desire any unmated omega would feel for an attractive alpha, and nothing more than that.

In the end, Tsukishima rebelled; he left his apartment wearing his oldest, rattiest pair of jeans and a baggy hoodie he hadn’t even looked at since he was an undergrad. There was no way that the evening could be mistaken for a date when he was dressed so terribly. 

He sat hunched over on the train, golden gaze burning into the floor. He was a little irritated with himself for even agreeing to come over. This would be the first time he’d been alone with the alpha since he’d returned to Japan, and a part of him was telling him that this was a was a recipe for disaster.

Tsukishima made his way to the address that Kuroo had texted him, knocking resolutely on the door. Kuroo opened it so quickly he wondered if he had been waiting for him. He flashed his charismatic smirk, then raised his eyebrows.

“You took the ‘casual’ thing seriously, then.” Kuroo teased. The alpha himself was, it seemed, still dressed in what Tsukishima assumed were his work clothes; nice slacks and a button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to show off his toned forearms.

Tsukishima swallowed. Hard.

“At least I bothered to change.” He retorted coolly, congratulating himself on retaining his composure as he pushed past Kuroo into the house.

Tsukishima wasn’t sure what he had been expecting, when he stepped into Kuroo’s house, but he wasn’t quite surprised by what he found. It was subtly chaotic, decor that didn’t quite match as well as the omega would have liked, a little too much clutter in the form of papers to be marked and toys that hadn’t been cleaned away but sparse in any actual decorations to tie the room together. No, he wasn’t surprised- Tsukishima had been in charge of interior decoration in their old apartment, because Kuroo was useless at it. The difference between the bright white walls of that tiny, minimalist flat and the lived-in homeliness of this house were stark, as Tsukishima let his eyes trail around. The apartment all those years ago had been theirs, but this was Kuroo’s alone. There wasn’t, he thought absently, space for Tsukishima here. 

“Isn’t it generally considered polite to clean up for guests?” The omega quipped, turning to watch as Kuroo followed behind him.

“Give me a break.” He sighed, running his fingers through his dark hair as he walked past Tsukishima so that he could collapse heavily in front of the television. “I didn’t get home that long ago, and I had to drop Ama off at my mom’s, _and_ I had marking to catch up on.” His head lolled back, gazing at Tsukishima upside-down with lazy, catlike eyes. “We can’t all have as few responsibilities as you, Tsukki~”

“Don’t call me that.” Tsukishima said, as sharply as he had when they first met twelve years ago. He wandered absently over to the scattered papers Kuroo had been marking, cute elementary school handwriting dotted here and there with red pen and smiley face stickers. 

“Your handwriting is worse than your students’.” He swore it had gotten messier over the past few years since he’d last had to deal with Kuroo’s work spread out in random places around their home. At least Tsukishima’s chaos during his studying had been _organised_. 

“So cold!” Kuroo gasped, clutching dramatically at his chest as if the omega’s words had physically pierced him. Tsukishima rolled his eyes, and Kuroo snickered. He lifted a hand, curling long fingers in a ‘come hither’ gesture that brought Tsukishima embarrassingly back to their bedroom of five years before. Nevertheless, he made his way over to the alpha, gazing down at him questioningly.

“Come _here_.” Kuroo laughed, grabbing Tsukishima’s hand and tugging him down next to him. The omega tripped over his own long legs on the way, falling in a heap next to Kuroo’s body. The alpha didn’t seem to notice, just reaching over for the remote before offering it with a smile. Tsukishima gave him a look.

“Don’t tell me that you invited me here just to watch television.”

“I have had a long, long day.” Kuroo said in his defence, waving the remote in front of Tsukishima’s face in some kind of attempt to encourage him to take it. “I’m sorry that I can’t provide Kei with more sophisticated entertainment. But I will let you choose the channel.” 

For another moment, Tsukishima just stared. There was a whole world of difference, he thought, between when Kuroo called him _Tsukki_ and when he called him _Kei_.

“You owe me something better to do.” The blond warned as he took the remote, looking for the first nature documentary that he could find, and Kuroo laughed.

“Oh, I’ll find something better.” Kuroo wiggled his eyebrows, grinning, and Tsukishima punched him in the arm. 

“Shut up and watch television.” Tsukishima instructed, shifting to make himself comfortable where he sat. It was only then that he realised how _close_ Kuroo tugging him down had brought him to the alpha. His own slender body was pressed against Kuroo’s, and through the thin layer of their clothes he could feel how toned he was. It made Tsukishima fall still, suddenly unsure of where to put himself; whether he should move away or if that would be too suspicious. 

Kuroo had always been able to do that to him. He was the only thing that could shake Tsukishima’s otherwise unwavering composure, make him unsure of what to do or what he even _wanted_ to do. Whether he was fifteen or twenty seven, it was always the same. 

_You are an idiot for coming here_ , he told himself, yet again- albeit firmer this time. _This is going to end badly for you_.

Kuroo had a life. He was more settled into his job than Tsukishima was, and he owned a house now instead of an apartment. And he had his daughter. She might not have been there that night, but Tsukishima could still see evidence of her all throughout Kuroo’s home, undeniable reminders of her presence. Once upon a time, there had been a space for Tsukishima in Kuroo’s life, where he fit better than he felt he ever had anywhere else. But not any longer, not any more; the space that he’d once occupied had been taken by Amaterasu once he left, and Tsukishima had no way to find his way back. To allow himself to fall back in love with Kuroo- or, rather, to acknowledge the feelings that he couldn’t help from blossoming in his chest whenever he looked at the alpha for too long- would only hurt him in the end. To love someone meant placing his heart into their hands to do with as they wished, and the omega had more than enough proof that to do so ever again was a mistake. Everyone he had allowed himself to love had hurt him in the end, and he had no desire to feel that any more. 

And yet. He tried to focus on the television, but golden eyes kept flickering back towards Kuroo, unable to focus with the alpha beside him. Here, there was no escape from his scent. This was his house- everything in it smelled like him, and more besides, he was _right there_ , burning against Tsukishima’s side. Smoky, bittersweet, that musky tang that was distinctly alpha and oh so tempting even to as cold an omega as Tsukishima. 

He wondered if he still smelled this enticing to Kuroo, still like strawberries and sweetness that didn’t suit the sour look on his face. 

He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing deeply and cringing when he realised the mistake of it. He had enough self control- at least outside of the heats he didn’t experience anymore- not to become hypnotised by an alpha’s scent, but as ever Kuroo was the exception. It wasn’t just tempting; it was a reminder of the past more solid and real than just seeing him could ever be. Once, their scents had been intermingled, almost indistinguishable. It seemed surreal, even after all this time, to catch Kuroo’s scent without the hint of strawberries in it.

Exhaling at last, Tsukishima forced his eyes open again, his eyes fixed forcibly on the television in front of them. He would not look at Kuroo, not again. 

Until the alpha shifted a little where he sat- just making himself comfortable, he assumed- and Tsukishima’s attention was drawn helplessly back to him. Kuroo had turned his head slightly, lazily running his fingers through his messy hair, and the omega felt his heart skip a beat. 

Kuroo’s skin was darker than his, but not so much that he didn’t show bruises. There on his throat was a bond mark, silvery and shiny after years to heal and scar over- but fading, now, since it had been so long since it was renewed with a fresh bite to strengthen the bond it represented. The scar told a story all by itself; that once Kuroo had a mate, but either they were gone now or the love and intimacy had faded from the relationship, to the point that they didn’t even bother to mark each other anymore. It was twin to the bite on Tsukishima’s pale throat, made by his own teeth; the lingering ghost of something now long gone.

Tsukishima couldn’t breathe. Kuroo’s scent, once so reassuring and comforting, now seemed cloying and suffocating. He needed air.

“I have to use the bathroom.” He announced quickly, standing up without wasting another moment. In his periphery, he saw Kuroo turn to look at him, but he dismissed the attempt to made at giving directions to the bathroom with a wave of his hand. “I’ll find it myself.”

It wasn’t overly difficult- he managed to pick the correct door on the first try after disappearing down the corridor. He could still smell Kuroo, but it was muted here, mixed with a childlike cleanliness that he assumed came from Ama, and Tsukishima could cope with it.

In the bathroom, he locked the door behind him before turning on the tap and splashing cold water into his face. Once, twice, then a third time, before he finally turned off the tap and reached for a towel to dry off. His breath had quickened sitting next to the alpha, but it was evening out again now as he took his moment alone to calm down. 

He recognised the danger in allowing himself to grow close to Kuroo again, the risk of developing feelings. But he hadn’t been aware of how deeply even this platonic time together would affect him, the perpetual reminders of everything he told himself he didn’t miss any more.

Tsukishima took another deep breath, staring at himself in the mirror for a moment. He was not weak, and he took pride in it; he pushed his emotions and his omega instincts aside, and favoured logic and reason over anything else. Cold detachment, that was all that he needed to get through the night, and that was what he was good at.

When he returned from the bathroom, Kuroo had muted the television. He was sitting up straighter on the sofa, his brow furrowed in obvious concern, and Tsukishima immediately felt all his hard work crumble as his pulse quickened. _Alpha instinct demands they care for omegas_ , he told himself hastily. _It’s nothing personal_.

“Are you okay?” Kuroo asked when Tsukishima sat back down next to him, maintaining a careful distance between their bodies. “You dashed off pretty quickly.”

“I’m fine.” Tsukishima shrugged- and then flinched, when he was touched. The hand on his chin was gentle, turning his head just slightly before fingers caressed his cheek, and then Kuroo pulled back as if he had been burned. His brown eyes were wide, and he looked faintly sheepish.

“Sorry.” He murmured.

“It’s _fine_.” Tsukishima wanted to touch his face where Kuroo had, the skin there warm and flushed, but he didn’t dare. It would have given away how keenly he had felt that touch, how it made him ache. A part of him thought he had preferred it when Kuroo glared at him as if he had wanted him dead, rather than touched him so gently and looked at him with such concern; at least the former didn’t make him want him back so much. 

“Okay.” Kuroo smiled faintly, and shifted back into his previous slouching position. Tsukishima smirked faintly, and the alpha raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Nothing. I just think that’s the fastest you’ve ever dropped a subject.” He teased.

“What?” Kuroo laughed, turning to look at Tsukishima properly. The movement brought their shoulders together again, touching, burning. “Is not.”

“Is too.” Tsukishima argued, stifling a laugh of his own. Kuroo’s tenacity, after all, was one of the reasons that he had agreed to date him in the first place. “You never just let anything drop like that.”

“I guess I’m just getting mellow in my old age.” Kuroo sighed, and then bumped his shoulder deliberately against Tsukishima’s again to annoy him. When the omega didn’t respond, he simply did it again. “Tsukki~ Do something, you’re boring.”

“I _was_ watching television.” Tsukishima retorted, doing his _very_ best not to smile. It wasn’t incredibly effective. 

“Something more interesting than that. I still have strawberry cake in the fridge, you know.”

Tsukishima paused.

“You have my attention…”

Kuroo grinned wide, pulling away from Tsukishima to jump up and head into the kitchen, calling ‘just a second,’ over his shoulder. When he returned, it was with two plates bearing a slice of strawberry cake and a fork each, handing one over to the omega with a smile. Tsukishima thanked him politely, before diving into the cake like he’d been starved. He realised with the first bite that it was from his favourite bakery, the one that had been down the street from their apartment when he lived with Kuroo. The thought gave him pause for a moment, but in the end sweet strawberry goodness won out over nostalgia, and he continued to eat as if his life depended on it until he heard Kuroo laugh and looked up.

“What?”

“Nothing.” Kuroo laughed again, shaking his head. Despite the mirth on his face, Tsukishima was sure he saw a faint hint of sadness in his eyes, turning the smile bittersweet. “You’re just reminding me of Ama-chan, a bit. She eats like that when I buy her strawberry cake too.”

“I’m not a child.” Tsukishima sniffed indignantly, ignoring the way that his stomach twisted and flipped over when Kuroo compared him to his daughter. 

“You are a little.” Kuroo smirked wickedly, poking at Tsukishima’s slightly younger age in the same way that he had when they first met. “Baby Kei.” 

“You’re the one with icing on your lip.” Tsukishima scoffed. It was true- the whole time that Kuroo had been talking, there had been powder pink icing clinging to his upper lip. The omega hadn’t said anything, because it was kind of funny; despite the way that it drew his eyes to Kuroo’s mouth, giving him new appreciation for the way it twisted when he smirked or smiled.

“Oh, shit, really?” Kuroo blinked, wiping at his lips and missing the icing entirely. Tsukishima snickered, and was pleased with how normal the laugh sounded- he didn’t _feel_ normal. His mind was preoccupied with thoughts of Kuroo’s mouth, his glittering eyes, the sinful thing he knew that the tongue which flicked out to lick at the icing could do.

“Mhm- here.”

Tsukishima rose up onto his knees and shifted forward, his breath hitching in his throat as he felt his chest press against Kuroo’s- he was still far broader than the omega had ever been, his muscles toned beneath the fabric of his clothes. He knew, as he did it, that it was a foolish thing; that it went against everything that he had been telling himself all night, to keep himself at a safe distance. 

But he still did it. 

He still gazed into Kuroo’s eyes, pale fingers gripping his shoulder as he reached up with his other hand to wipe away the icing with his thumb. His eyes flickered down to that tempting mouth, but he could still feel the intensity of the alpha’s gaze on him as he put his fingers against his own lips and licked them clean. Kuroo’s breath was the one to catch, then- Tsukishima felt it rather than heard it, ghosting over his skin from their closeness, noses bumping. 

It was a foolish thing. But it was five years of longing and weeks of aching to touch, and he couldn’t help himself. The last time he’d almost kissed Kuroo, they had both had the good sense to pull away, but this time Tsukishima couldn’t promise that he would be sensible. Not with Kuroo’s scent so strong, not with him so warm against his own body. His eyelids were already lidded halfway, and he closed them entirely when he saw the alpha do the same. There was a hand on his waist, strong and steady and never wrong.

Their eyes were closed, Tsukishima had thought, so that they could pretend that their lips weren’t really brushing together. They weren’t kisses, not really, just butterfly touches, tasting of strawberries. So fragile and finite that Tsukishima wasn’t even sure if they were happening at all, but they still made his heart race.

Of the pair of them, Tsukishima had always been the more sensible. But perhaps parenthood had changed Kuroo, because it was him who pulled away first. It didn’t take much- the touches were so light that just turning his head meant they ended. His cheek grazed Tsukishima, and he shivered when he heard him sigh into his ear. The omega was trembling, slightly, slightly wet, slightly breathless and deeply ashamed. He had thought he had better self control than that.

“…We’re missin’ the TV.” Kuroo mumbled, his voice rough and husky in the way that made Tsukishima think of lazy mornings, cups of coffee abandoned for slow sex beneath the sheets. For a moment, he wanted to cry.

He opened his eyes to see Kuroo had too, his gaze deliberately fixed away from the omega and onto the television. Pale fingers uncurled, released Kuroo’s shirt- he hadn’t even realised he’d taken ahold of it- and Kei slowly drew back.

“It’ll be finished, soon.” He said softly- he’d seen this documentary before. He’d seen them all before, he watched them so often. It was all he did: sit in front of the television, stagnating. “I should leave afterwards, I guess.”

Kuroo shook his head. There were wrinkles on his brow now when he frowned, another sobering reminder that they were _adults_ now. There was no room for childish games and stolen kisses. 

“You haven’t finished your cake.” He pointed out, as if that were important, and sat back down as he had before. It appeared, then, that they were pretending the last few minutes hadn’t happened, and that was good. That was what Tsukishima wanted. He was sure it was. After a moment of hesitation, the alpha added. “And I don’t want you to go- ’s nice being with you. You could stay the night.”

“Where would I sleep?” Tsukishima raised an eyebrow, as if the question meant nothing. Falling into bed with Kuroo would be hideously easy, there was no way to deny that any longer, and the thought frightened him.

Thankfully, it seemed to frighten Kuroo too. 

“My bed,” He replied, before quickly adding, “And I’ll take Ama’s room.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Kuroo smiled, lazy and heartbreakingly lovely. “I sleep in there all the time, when she has nightmares and stuff. I don’t mind.”

_Leave. Leave now and go home to your own bed and forget him, again._

“Alright.” Tsukishima nodded once, slowly. “I’ll stay.”

He hesitated for only a moment. He endeavoured all his life to be an ice queen and a cast iron bitch, and he was good at it because it came naturally to him, his mother’s blood running in his veins. But under Tsukishima’s skin turned to steel he was still human, and weak, and his head felt so heavy that he had no option but to rest it against Kuroo’s shoulder as he curled up against his side. No words were said at the alpha turned up the volume on the television, but after a moment, he felt an arm slide around his shoulders and hold him close. Like this, if he ignored the unfamiliar surroundings, it could have been any night from five years before, when he didn’t mind being in love with Kuroo. 

He could have had five years more of this, maybe, if he hadn’t been so stupid. The thought left a bittersweet taste on the back of his tongue; strawberry and smoke.

Tsukishima didn’t realise that he had dozed off in front of the television, comforted by Kuroo’s warmth and scent, until a little after midnight when the alpha nudged him awake.

“You started snoring.” He teased, his breath against Tsukishima’s hair.

“I don’t snore.” The omega retorted, slurring his words, too sleepy to worry about being so close.

“Come on.” Kuroo sighed, using his grip on the omega’s shoulders to haul him upright, away from the darkened television screen and down the same hallway where he had found the bathroom before. “Off to bed.”

“You’re not my real dad.”

Kuroo laughed a hollow laugh. 

“No.” He muttered as he pushed open his bedroom door, coaxing Tsukishima inside. “I’m not.” He pulled back the sheets on the bed, patting the blond’s hair affectionately. “You can borrow some of my clothes to sleep in if you like.”

“‘Kay.” 

Kuroo smiled slyly, shaking his head before he turned to leave. “Goodnight, Kei.”

“Night…” 

Still half asleep, Tsukishima wriggled out of his clothes as the door closed, until he fell into bed in just his underwear. Kuroo’s scent was strongest here, and he hid a smile in the pillow that he buried his face in; inhaling shamelessly, surrounding himself with nostalgia and longing as he fell asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note the additional tags added. note that the rating of this fic will increase shortly. this is like, the last warning for people who don't like abo stuff to abandon ship now. 
> 
> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	5. Yearning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Yearning:** _(noun)_ Deep longing, especially when accompanied by tenderness or sadness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my exams are over and i am back

Waking up the next morning was confusing for Tsukishima. An alarm that wasn’t his was going off on the nightstand, some overly cheerful and bubbly pop song, and all he could smell was Kuroo. For a moment, it was five years before; he was lying in their bed in their apartment with Kuroo next to him, his head either buried in pillows as he snored or propped up on his arms to watch over his omega while he slept.

Then he remembered that he hadn’t been with Kuroo in years, and his eyes snapped open as he sat up.

For a moment more, the room that he laid eyes on was confusing. It was similar to the living room the night before, cluttered but simplistic- generally typical of an alpha who had no real idea what he was doing, or care about how his home looked. Kuroo probably didn’t have guests over very often, at least ones that weren’t Bokuto and Akaashi or Kenma. That was what Tsukishima had assumed the night before.

The confusion at waking up in a strange place had only lasted for a moment. He remembered now where he was and what he was doing there, and his cheeks flushed faintly at the memory of the night before and the things he had done. Particularly, he couldn’t stop thinking about the faint brushes of Kuroo’s lips against his own. He quickly shoved that thought aside- if the kisses hadn’t been mentioned the night before, he doubted that they were going to be mentioned this morning, and so he felt perfectly entitled to forget about them completely.

Tsukishima shut off Kuroo’s alarm clock and threw the sheets back over his bed, politely making it for him before he reached for the clothes he’d dropped on the floor last night. He put his hoodie back on, but left his long legs bare as he got up to wake Kuroo, since he apparently wanted to be up at this time.

He knew that the alpha had spent the night in Ama’s room; and since there were only three doors in the hallway, and two led to the bathroom and the master bedroom, it wasn’t hard to guess which Kuroo was behind.

Ama’s room was, so far, the nicest one in the house. The walls were papered with polka dots, and Tsukishima could hardly see the floor beneath his feet for all the colourful plush rugs. There were a few dinosaur posters pinned to the wall, matching the toys that spilled from a box in the corner and the themed stationary on the desk. Despite himself- despite disliking children, despite not wanting anything to do with Ama- the omega couldn’t help but smile.

Soon enough, his eyes fell on the bed pushed up against one wall, and Tsukishima’s smile widened. Kuroo looked ridiculous and adorable in a child’s bed, his calves and feet sticking out from under the edge of the cat-patterned blanket where he was too tall to fit beneath it, face buried in a pile of cushion shaped like stars and flowers and more cartoon cats. He was utterly _surrounded_ by stuffed animals- prehistoric, fantastical, and modern- to the point of almost being camouflaged by them entirely, and Tsukishima laughed softly at the sight. 

After taking a moment to just look at him, the omega walked into the room and crouched by the bed, shaking Kuroo’s shoulder gently. Then, when he didn’t stir, he shook it harder, leaning down to say his name at his ear. This time, Kuroo did wake; jolting upright with a truly hilarious snorting sound, his eyes wide but unfocused as he lifted his head. There was a string of drool connecting his mouth to the pillow still. Tsukishima found himself quite glad that he had never been so deeply in love with Kuroo that he’d find that endearing. At least he still had a scrap of dignity left to cling to.

“Wha’s goin’ on?” Kuroo asked all at once, his words running and falling into each other. He’d never been a morning person like Tsukishima was, and if memory served him correctly it usually took the alpha at least an hour to remember proper motor function after waking. 

“Your alarm was going off.” Tsukishima replied, patiently. This really did feel like he had travelled back in time. “That usually means that you want to wake up.”

Kuroo groaned; dragging a hand down his face with a long sigh as he apparently tried to collect himself. Tsukishima did his best to wait.

“Yeah.” The alpha mumbled finally, blinking several times in quick succession once he let his hand drop. “Yeah, I need to pick up Ama-chan from my mom’s place…”

Tsukishima straightened up. He hadn’t even been properly aware that he’d leaned over the bed, hovering beside Kuroo like a lover as he roused him, but at least he’d realised in time to put a stop to it.

“I’ll head home, then.” Although he wasn’t really looking forward to the walk of shame home in last night’s clothing, especially considering how ugly that clothing was. Nothing illicit had occurred between he and Kuroo- they had even slept in different beds- but Tsukishima still felt shameful and dirty in a way that he didn’t when he actually _had_ gone out to spend the night with a random alpha. He was breaking the rules that he had set for himself with regards to Kuroo, and that was, to him, far worse than casual sex. Although he supposed that would have broken the rules, too. 

“No.”

Tsukishima had moved to walk away from the bed and head back to Kuroo’s room, so he could collect his jeans and get ready to leave. But apparently, that wasn’t allowed. He glanced downwards to find the alpha’s strong fingers curled around his slender wrist, holding him in place. Kuroo’s eyes were still hazy and tired, but he was obviously trying his best to focus on the omega and stare him down. 

“You don’t have to go home, I mean.” He attempted to explain in his slow, tired voice. “You should come with me to get Ama.”

Tsukishima went very still. He licked his lips once, since they were now inexplicably dry.

“I don’t think that would be a very good idea.” He said at last, speaking deliberately and carefully so that even in his exhausted state, Kuroo would hopefully be able to understand him. The idea of going with Kuroo to get Ama- the idea made his heart race, the hairs on his arms rise. That was something that _parents_ did. He wasn’t Ama’s parent; he never wanted to be _anyone_ ’s parent. 

“Come on,” Kuroo complained groggily, squeezing Tsukishima’s wrist. “I want you to. And my mom loves you- she’d love to see you again.”

_Would she?_ Tsukishima wondered for a moment. Kuroo’s mother had indeed adored him for the period of time when he was her son’s mate. But Bokuto had been his friend once, too, and he couldn’t forget the way that he’d treated him when he saw him last, the contempt in his eyes. He thought it was probably best to tread carefully around anyone that had taken Kuroo’s ‘side,’ in the breakup, which, he presumed, was most people. 

But Kuroo was staring at him so longingly, his eyes still hooded and hazy with sleep, and Tsukishima felt his heart soften slightly. Maybe he had never been so far gone that he found drooling cute, but he had still loved Kuroo more than anyone else. Perhaps if he didn’t spend so much time closing off his emotions, he might find that he still did. 

“Fine.” Tsukishima sighed, his shoulders physically slumping as he let, for now, his walls break down. Perhaps it was worth it, though, just to see the sleepy, dopey grin on Kuroo’s face. Tsukishima averted his eyes, his lips twitching with the repressed urge to smile.

“Let me get dressed.” The omega excused himself, hoping to escape from the warm feelings in his chest that he was worried would begin to make his cheeks flush. Reflexively, he’d almost wanted to offer Kuroo a coffee. It had been their routine when they were mates, Tsukishima quietly getting uo to make Kuroo a coffee so that he could rejoin the world of the living. Being back with him, spending a night in the same house, was dredging up all these old urges and omega instincts.

It didn’t take Tsukishima long to get dressed, since he had accidentally slept in his clothes the night before. If he’d known he was going to be doing a walk of shame all the way to Kuroo’s childhood home, he would have dressed better for it. 

It didn’t take him long to get ready, but he waited patiently in the living room until the general thuds and banging of a sleepy six-foot-tall athlete stumbling around his bedroom trying to navigate his morning routine subsided. When he finally emerged from the bedroom, Kuroo looked faintly shellshocked.

“Coffee.” Kuroo said, plaintively. He looked so pathetic that even Tsukishima had to pity him a little.

“We’ll get coffee on the way there.” He found himself suggesting, a brief moment of maternal omega instinct shining through his cold exterior. It was easier to feel protective affection for Kuroo than for any actual pups, at least as far as he was concerned. Tsukishima almost wanted to take his hand. Instead, he settled for laughing behind his hand when it took him five tries to fit the key into the lock. 

Luckily, coffee was easily gained, and by the time they were sitting on the metro Kuroo was beginning to look a little more human, nursing his coffee with a blasphemous amount of cream, sugar and chocolate sprinkles and making the occasional face at the fearless way Tsukishima downed his own, totally black. The burn of it in the back of his throat was grounding in a way that let him relax his fingers on the polystyrene cup where before he had been gripping it far too tightly. Like Cassandra of Troy, he knew going to see Kuroo’s family would be a bad idea, but even he wouldn’t listen to his own predictions. Anything to linger just a little longer at the alpha’s side, basking in his scent and his warmth and the light of his smile. 

The house that Kuroo had grown up in was small, and made even more so by the sheer volume of people packed inside of it. Tsukishima still remembered the first time he’d been there, when he was nineteen and meeting his boyfriend’s parents for the first time. It had been an assault in his senses that left him feeling somewhat brutalised, but the family and their home had grown on him over time. There was a warmth there that he’d never felt during his own childhood spent inside clean white walls with open, empty rooms. The outside looked no different as he walked towards it at Kuroo’s side, but Tsukishima had to wonder how much might have changed over the past five years behind closed doors. 

Kuroo seemed to have no such worries, at least. Human again now that he’d consumed his morning coffee, he rang the doorbell with a bright smile before stepping back in line with the omega. 

The door opened quickly enough, since they were expected, and Kuroo’s mother beamed out at the pair of them. She had already been in her mid-forties when Tsukishima left Japan, but now that she was closer to fifty Tsukishima could see the differences in her; lines on her face that had deepened- around the mouth and eyes particularly- and silver streaks in her dark hair. 

When her brown eyes fell on Tsukishima, they widened. And then, so did her smile. 

“Kei!” Kuroo Katsumi clapped her hands together in happiness. “What a surprise- Tetsurou told me that you were back, but I didn’t know that you were coming…” She stepped back from the door. “Come in, both of you, Ama-chan’s already up and ready to go.”

Tsukishima hesitated at the doorway; distantly thinking of vampire legends and crumbling into ash when one crossed the threshold. But Kuroo flashes him a reassuring smile as he stepped inside, and the omega quietly gathered himself to follow. The house was just as he remembered it, small but homely and never quiet- there were voices coming from the living room, feminine and high with happiness. That was where Kuroo headed, since it was presumably where Ama was, and Tsukishima felt his heart clench and his breath catch in his throat. _This was stupid, this was stupid, this was stupid…_

“Is Kuroo here?”

The voice came from the top of the stairs, drawing the eyes of the trio gathered in the hallway. Kuroo’s step-sister walked down towards them, her eyes narrowed beneath the severe line of her fringe. The last time Tsukishima had seen her, she’d been giggling and drunk, celebrating just turning twenty; she didn’t look so sweet now. The happiness he’d heard in her voice when she said Kuroo’s name had disappeared, and now her glare was focused right on him.

Tsukishima swallowed hard. 

“Why is he here?” Haruka demanded, her head snapping to the side to look at her mother. 

“Because I invited him. We’re just picking up Ama-chan, and then we’ll be out of your hair.” Kuroo said, with forced calm. This, however, only seemed to incense Haruka even more. 

“You’re letting him see _Ama?_ Seriously? Him?” She pointed an accusing finger at Tsukishima, shaking slightly. “Come _on_ , Kuroo, you can’t be serious. You said you were over him! I told you time and again that he’s a piece of shit, and you’ve _never listened._ I know you have a history of thinking with yo-”

“I’ll just wait outside.” Tsukishima cut in smoothly before Haruka could continue her insult on Kuroo’s intellect. He took a single step to the side, before a sharp voice said, “no,” at the same time Kuroo’s fingers curled tightly around his upper arm to hold him in place.

“I knew he was coming, and I said it was fine.” Katsumi’s voice was as firm as Kuroo’s hand on his arm, and just as effective at immobilising him. He was still the tallest person in the room, but Kuroo’s family had a habit of making Tsukishima feel small. “Kei, you don’t need to go anywhere. Haru, you can be polite, or you can go right back upstairs. Five years is a long time for people to change.”

“Five years _is_ a long time. That’s _exactly_ my point.” Haruka hissed, before levelling an accusing glare at Kuroo. “If Ama gets hurt over this, it’s _your_ fault.” She warned, before walking the rest of the way downstairs; bypassing Tsukishima with nothing more than an icy glare on her way to the living room. Glancing at Kuroo, he saw his face drawn with concern, and remembered the adoring way that he had looked at Ama when he’d seen them together. Delicately, Tsukishima withdrew his arm from Kuroo’s grip. 

“I’m sorry about that.” Katsumi smiled forcibly at Tsukishima, patting his shoulder in a motherly way that he had no idea what to do with. “Haruka is… Haruka. She loves Ama-chan very much.”

Tsukishima just nodded, absently. Everyone seemed to love Ama very much. He supposed that she was a very loveable girl. 

Kuroo remained silent, apparently lost in thought until his mother tapped him once on the shoulder and directed him towards the living room. Looking a little like a lost fawn, he followed her direction into the living room, and Katsumi turned back to Tsukishima with a bright look in her eyes.

“Alphas.” She scoffed fondly, an attempt at the kind of friendly bonding between omegas that Tsukishima had never been able to engage in. He wasn’t maternal enough, wasn’t soft or social enough, wasn’t _enough_. He couldn’t think of a single omega friend that he’d ever had. “They’re hopeless without someone to look after them- his father was the same.”

_Oh, no_ , Tsukishima thought vaguely. He recognised this- it wasn’t just omega bonding. It was _son-in-law_ bonding, the way Katsumi had spoken to him when he was still dating Kuroo. 

“It’ll be good for him to have someone again.”

“Mrs Kuroo…” Tsukishima swallowed hard.

“Katsumi. I’ve known you nearly ten years, Kei.”

“Katsumi,” Tsukishima corrected himself, with a sound like he was choking. “I’m not back with Kuroo.”

Katsumi’s face fell immediately, twisting for a moment before she got herself under control. It didn’t help much; she was no better than her son was at hiding her emotions. 

“Ah.” She laughed slightly. “I thought…”

“It’s fine.” Tsukishima assured her with a slight shake of his head. “We’re just trying to be amicable with each other.” And it was far too easy, no matter how much everyone else seemed to disapprove of it. They were even acting like a couple again, without even thinking about it, to the point that Katsumi had assumed they were one. _And it’s stupid. Stop it_. 

“That’s good of you.” Was all Katsumi said then, before she turned to follow the others into the living room. Feeling awkward on too-long legs, Kei followed.

Kuroo’s alpha sisters were sitting across from each other on the living room floor, surrounded by small plastic dinosaurs. Between them was Amaterasu, with a sickly green velociraptor in her hand attacking the triceratops that her aunt Aiko was holding. When Touka tried to come to her twin’s aid with a stegosaurus, Ama made an indignant noise and pushed it away.

“Stegosauruses are from the _Jurassic_. It wouldn’t be here!” She protested, and Tsukishima ducked his head to hide the conflicted smile on his face. She really did remind him of himself when he was younger, playing with her aunts the same way that he had with Akiteru. Unconsciously, he walked over to stand with Kuroo again, close to his side like he was trying to hide himself from view. It didn’t work; brown eyes settled on him, and dark eyebrows raised.

“Oh.” Said Aiko.

“That’s why Haru was pissed off.” Touka finished. 

“Language, Touka.” Katsumi warned, before Ama looked up at him. She _beamed_.

“Tsukki!” The little girl scrambled up from the floor to toddle over to him, immediately presenting him with the plastic raptor. “Do you want to play dinosaurs?”

“I doubt that, Ama-chan.” Haruka answered from her position in the corner, arms crossed, before he had a chance to do so. She was glowering, her voice acidic enough to make Ama’s brows furrow as she turned to her in confusion. “Kei doesn’t like kids- he probably thinks it’s silly.”

“ _Haru_.” Kuroo sounded pained. 

“ _No_. You’re all happy to see him again for some reason, but I’m not going to pretend the same. He shouldn’t be here with her.”

The twins shared an awkward look.

“You’re going to confuse her.” Katsumi hissed across the room at Haruka, in a stage whisper; as if Ama couldn’t hear, as if she wasn’t already looking between all the adults in the room, utterly lost. “Just be quiet until they go home.”

“Tsukki?” Ama turned to look up at him with her big golden eyes, blinking slowly, and Tsukishima felt his stomach turn over. He _didn’t_ like children, but neither did he like how hurt Ama was beginning to look. 

“It’s not silly.” He tried to reassure her, quietly. “And I do like _you_.”

Once again, he was acutely aware of Kuroo’s gaze on him, but he did his best to ignore him. He still felt sick. Sick, sick, sick in this house where he didn’t belong anymore- even his favourite of Kuroo’s sisters was gone, away at university he assumed- and he was forced to confront so many of the things that he had been trying to ignore for such a very, very long time. 

“Why don’t I come with you to get your things?” He asked finally, trying to imitate that high, sweet voice that he often heard people use around children. If he was bad at it, Ama didn’t seem to notice; she just beamed and nodded, seizing his sleeve and dragging him away from the living room. They left the others behind, with their dark eyes and dark hair, genetics that Ama had inherited and reminded Tsukishima that he was an outsider in this house. No matter how pleasant Katsumi was to him, if he had belonged here once, he didn’t anymore.

Ama led him to a bedroom that, Tsukishima recognised dully, had once belonged to Kuroo. The decor had changed now, of course, repurposed to a guest room obviously made with Ama in mind. He hovered awkwardly in the doorway while he watched her dash around the room, messy braids bouncing while he packed all of her things into a bright pink backpack and babbled excitedly. The omega tried to make appropriate noises in the right places, forcing smiles and the occasional nod or positive hum. He never felt so tremendously out of his depth as he did around children- his expertise was in extraordinarily old things, not young ones.

And besides- Ama was _Kuroo’s daughter_. The thought still shocked him sometimes, when he looked at her face and saw the alpha’s features mirrored there, or his gaze lingered too long on her golden eyes. Of all the children in the world, Tsukishima had the least idea of what to do with her. He could talk to her about dinosaurs if he was made to, but he couldn’t escape the way she made his stomach drop and twist. It wasn’t her fault, but he was inclined to blame her regardless. Kuroo’s family and friends could blame Tsukishima for their breakup if they wanted to do so, but in the very cruelest, coldest corners of his mind, he was convinced that it was Ama’s fault. 

A hand on his shoulder made him start slightly, and he turned to see Kuroo had escaped the hum of raised voices from the living room to join him here. The fingers on his slender shoulder disappeared quickly, and he fixed the expression on his face into something that Tsukishima thought of as a Dad Smile, lacking the roguish mischief that he’d fallen in love with when he was still a teenager.

“Are you all ready to get going, Sunshine?” He asked cheerfully. There was something slightly strained in his voice, and Tsukishima thought they both had a common interest in making sure Ama forgot about the awkwardness in the living room. Albeit for different reasons. When Ama nodded, he continued, “Okay, cool. We’ve gotta drop Tsukki back off at home, and then do you wanna go to the park? It’s a nice day outside.”

Ama’s nose wrinkled up slightly, her lips pushing out in a pout as she looked up at Kuroo.

“Is Tsukki not coming with us?”

Awkwardness flickered across Kuroo’s features as he glanced over at the omega.

“Ah- no,Tsukki’s busy…”

Tsukishima went quiet; thinking. He thought about how angry Haruka had been to see him, the same way that Bokuto had been. Except she had deliberately tried to turn Ama against her, and only Katsumi had stopped her. Did the twins agree with her? Would Mei, if she had been home from college? Would it be better if Ama really didn’t like him? 

“Actually,” Said one part of Tsukishima, aloud, while the larger part of him mentally screamed that he should _stop this now_. “I’m not really planning on doing anything today. I could come to the park.” Here, he turned to look at Ama. This time, he didn’t try to fake that sweet, child-friendly voice. What was the point? He was never going to manage it. “If you want me to, anyway.”

The voice, as it turned out, didn’t seem to matter. Ama beamed at him anyway, jumping and clapping her hands.

“Please come with us Tsukki, please please please!”

“I will, I will.” Tsukishima promised with a bitten-back laugh. He kept his eyes on the little girl, because the main alternative would have been to look at Kuroo, and he didn’t want to see what kind of expression he had on his face. 

“Good.” Ama beamed up at him with her childish, gap-toothed smile, before turning around to hastily gather up her things with Kuroo’s help. Tsukishima stood in the doorway, watching silently with arms crossed over his chest. He still felt separate in this house, just as he had at Kuroo’s. He supposed befriending Ama would be the first step to easing that feeling, but at the same time, he still hadn’t quite figured out whether or not it was worth it.

They did, at least, manage to escape the house without running into Haruka again. Tsukishima was aware that Kuroo was deliberately keeping him away from his sister, but he was more than alright with that- the last thing that he wanted was to see her again anyway. 

The park nearby Kuroo’s home was understandably busy on a Saturday, even if it was still before lunchtime. Kuroo held on tight to his daughter’s hand as she bounced along excitedly, chattering to herself about which rides she wanted to go on first, friends from the neighbourhood that she could already see playing. 

“Daddy, I want to go on the slide, can I?” Was the first thing Ama asked once they were inside the park gates, tugging on his hand in her excitement. Kuroo just laughed and nodded, waving her away and watching that she made it to the padded playground safely before he turned to look at the omega standing by his side. Tsukishima avoided his gaze. When Ama ran off to the playground, he’d realised abruptly that they must look like a family. Alpha, omega, child. 

_I’m not Kuroo’s family. I will not be._

“Is there anywhere to sit down here?” He asked, crossing his arms over his chest and hugging himself to avoid accidentally letting his fingers brush against Kuroo’s hand. He could feel the ghost of his lips on his own from the night before, a world away from the house where he no longer belonged, and it made his head spin. He wanted Kuroo, but Kuroo came as part of a set. He couldn’t do that. 

“Yeah- here.” Kuroo replied, oblivious as always to the omega’s inner turmoil. He led him to a bench with a good view of the playground for keeping an eye on Ama, sitting down in it with a lazy sprawl. Tsukishima sat more rigidly, his knees pressed together and hands clasped in his lap, eyes on the ground instead of the laughing children. He thought he saw Ama at the top of the slide, and then quickly persuaded himself that he didn’t care. Pale fingers picked listlessly at the frayed sleeve of his hoodie, until he heard an amused snort from the side and glanced up.

“What?”

Kuroo was smirking. “You’re wearing my hoodie.”

Tsukishima narrowed his eyes.

“I am not. I picked this out of my closet yesterday.” It had taken an embarrassingly long time to pick. 

“I’m not saying you didn’t, I’m just saying it’s mine. Or it used to be mine.” Kuroo reached out to tug playfully at the frayed sleeve. “You probably took it with you by accident when you left.”

This was embarrassingly plausible. The hoodie was old enough, and Tsukishima’d had an awful habit of stealing Kuroo’s clothes to burrow into. He might have been taller than his old boyfriend, but Kuroo was a lot broader, and his shirts and hoodies had dwarfed him pleasantly.

Tsukishima was aware that his cheeks had gone pink.

“Forgive me if I don’t return it immediately.” He huffed. “I’m not wearing anything underneath.” 

“That’s okay, then.” Kuroo laughed, and Tsukishima watched as brown eyes flickered up and down his body. He _swore_ he licked his lips. “I wouldn’t want anyone else to see you like that.”

The flush on Tsukishima’s cheeks deepened, quickly. He was saved, however, from having to flounder for an answer by a voice from the playground. 

“Daddy!” Ama called, waving frantically and leaning precariously over the bars at the top of the jungle gym. In the corner of his eye, Tsukishima saw all of Kuroo’s muscles immediately tense up with protective instinct. “Will you push me on the swings?”

“If you get down from there without hurting yourself!” He called back, scrambling up from the bench to hurry over to his daughter and help her down. Tsukishima was left alone, tucking one slender leg up to his chest and resting his chin on his knee as he watched, quiet and contemplative. It was plain to see, at least, that they were having a good time. Ama was laughing raucously as Kuroo pushed her higher and higher on the swings, grinning all the while, and Tsukishima couldn’t help but hide a small smile too. At least they were happy, no matter his own persistent confusion and distress. He just wished that he could have been included in that happiness.

Tsukishima had dug his phone out of his pocket and was scrolling through news articles when, several minutes later, he saw Kuroo’s scruffy combat boots enter his field of vision and looked up. The alpha was standing in front of him again, his hands resting on Ama’s shoulders.

“I’m gonna go grab some ice cream for Ama-chan. You want anything?”

Tsukishima shook his head, and Kuroo shrugged.

“Suit yourself. Do you mind keeping an eye on her for a sec? Just so I don’t have to drag her halfway across the park.”

Tsukishima considered bringing up Haruka’s behaviour earlier, asking a sneering question about whether that was really such a good idea. Then he took another quiet look at the beaming little girl with Kuroo’s face, and decided against it. She seemed to like him, for whatever reason. He didn’t want to upset her. He might not have liked children, but that didn’t mean he wished them any ill. Especially not Kuroo’s daughter. 

“Sure.” He replied, softly, and both Kuroos smiled at him.

“I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Kuroo promised, giving Ama a parting kiss on the top of her head before he darted away. 

To his surprise, rather than head back to the playground, Ama hopped up onto the bench beside Tsukishima and curiously craned her head to see his phone screen.

“Whatcha reading?” She asked, looking up at the omega with her wide golden eyes. Tsukishima blinked. 

“Just the news.” Tsukishima said, quickly putting his phone away since the world was, in his opinion, too bleak for youthful eyes. He made a conscious effort not to shift on the bench with the express intention of putting more distance between himself and Ama. 

“Uncle Koutarou thinks the news is boring.” Ama commented thoughtfully.

“Koutarou is a child.”

“ _I’m_ a child.” Ama pointed out, with such an indignant look that Tsukishima surprised himself by laughing. That seemed to please her, judging by her smile and the way that she kicked her feet, swinging them where she sat on the bench. It was sweet to watch, even Tsukishima had to admit that. He couldn’t remember ever being so innocent. 

“I don’t think he likes you.” Ama’s brow furrowed, then. “Neither does Aunt Haru…” Tilting her head, she looked up at him again. “Daddy said you were his friend, though.”

“I am.” Tsukishima said carefully, and hoped it was true. This was dangerous territory.

“So why don’t they like you?”

Gods, children were blunt. “I did some things they disagreed with, I suppose. People have different opinions.”

Ama nodded sagely, as if she had any experience with opinions that differed more than whether cats were cuter than dogs. There was something vaguely hilarious about seeing a child wearing such an adult expression that made Tsukishima wonder if that was the way people had thought about him when he was younger. 

“You are my dad’s friend, though.”

“I have been for a long time, yes.”

This seemed to catch Ama’s attention.

“Did you know my mom?”

Tsukishima went very still, very quickly. 

“I didn’t- I don’t know who she is, and no one else will tell me, but-” The little girl took a very deep breath that puffed out her cheeks, and then exhaled all at once. “You talk to me like I’m a grown up so I thought, maybe you might!”

For a long moment, Tsukishima just looked at Ama. Her features, so like Kuroo’s. Her golden eyes. He thought about the house he’d just picked her up from, full of her family. He thought about the way that she had hugged Kenma the first time he’d seen her.

He thought a lot about that part.

“No.” He answered finally, calm and cool and not meeting Amaterasu’s eyes. “I don’t know who your mom is. Whoever she was, she must have met your father after I left.”

Ama nodded, but Tsukishima wasn’t a fool. He could see the crestfallen look in her eyes- he had spent enough time wearing masks to recognise them, and he wouldn’t tolerate such a sweet, small girl thinking she had to hide her emotions already.

“But,” He continued quietly, hoping that this was still talking to her like she was a grown-up, like she seemed to enjoy. When he was younger, that was all he had wanted people to do for him, too. “Why does it matter? I know Kuroo loves you a lot. And you have your Uncle Koutarou, like you said, and Akaashi; and your grandparents and all your other aunts. You have such a big family, Amaterasu, and they all love you.” He paused, thinking deliriously that this was the longest uninterrupted speech he’d made since his PhD thesis. “Can I tell you a secret?”

Ama nodded solemnly.

“I don’t love my mother.” He paused for the dramatic gasp that he’d been half expecting, watching Ama clap her small hands over her mouth as her eyes widened even more. Nevertheless, he continued, “She isn’t a nice person. And my father isn’t much better. But I love my brother- he was more of a parent to me than they were. So just because you don’t know your mom, doesn’t mean your family isn’t good. Parents aren’t everything. You’re allowed to find love elsewhere.”

Ama was quiet and still for a long time, seemingly mulling over the words in her head. Tsukishima hoped that he hadn’t given her five-year-old brain too much to deal with.

Then, quite suddenly, Ama lunged forwards and wrapped her arms around Tsukishima’s midriff in a hug tight enough to make him splutter.

“Thanks, Tsukki!” She chirped, cheerful again. 

Shellshocked, Tsukishima remained frozen on the bench, eyes wide and arms held apart from his sides in an attempt to avoid touching Ama- like she was a bug, or something. He was glad to have helped, but she was weirdly warm and her hands were sticky and _everything he didn’t like about children-_

“Ama-chan, what are you doing?” Kuroo asked, and Tsukishima glanced up with a desperate, haggard look. The alpha immediately burst out laughing, doubling over and almost dropping the twin strawberry and chocolate cones he had brought with him.

“Oh my god, Kei, your _face_.” He snorted, prompting Ama to begin giggling too. Tsukishima scowled. 

“It’s not funny.”

“It’s a bit funny.” Kuroo laughed, wiping his eyes on the back of his hand. “Wow. Okay, I’m okay. Ama, let go of Tsukki, he’s a grumpus.”

“Grumpus.” Ama repeated, delighted, but did as she was told. Kuroo handed her the strawberry cone, and then beckoned for them both to get up.

“Come on. We’ll go for a walk.”

To his surprise, when Tsukishima stood up from the park bench, Kuroo held out his arm. The omega blinked down at it, not sure what to do.

“You’re supposed to take it.” Kuroo encouraged him teasingly. 

Tsukishima looked up at him, and then back down at his arm, aware of his brow pulling down in a frown. He slid his hand over Kuroo’s bicep, trying to ignore the feeling of toned muscle beneath his fingers, before linking their arms together and holding Kuroo’s delicately, clinging to his side the way he used to when they went out together on dates. The alpha made a satisfied noise, telling Ama to lead the way and following along behind her with Tsukishima at his side.

Arm in arm with Kuroo, Tsukishima quietly admired how pretty the park around them was. It was all very green, with a pond, and ducks, and the trees were pink with cherry blossoms that occasionally drifted down to catch in Kuroo’s dark hair. Ama skipped ahead of them, her laughter blending in with the other sounds of children playing nearby. Her braids bounced carelessly, but she would turn back every few moments to make sure that she was still being followed before dashing off again. Her lips were moving, forming words for some childish game that neither he nor Kuroo were privy to.

If Tsukishima hadn’t been such a bitter, unhappy little asshole, he might have thought it was charming.

“So,” Kuroo murmured suddenly, close enough to Tsukishima’s ear to make him start. Casually, he reached over to pluck a few cherry blossom petals from his blond hair, a sweet gesture that was then ruined by the way he blew them into Tsukishima’s face. The omega glared as he swatted them away, but Kuroo just smiled innocently. “I saw you talking to Ama.”

Tsukishima swallowed hard. _Oh, dear_. Once upon a time he’d known Kuroo better than anyone, but five years apart had changed them both, and he didn’t know how he might react to what he’d told Ama about her mother. 

“And?”

“And I thought it was nice.” Kuroo shrugged, sending an instant wave of relief flooding through Tsukishima. He probably hadn’t actually _heard_ the conversation, then. “It looked like you were getting along- were you getting along?”

Tsukishima nodded innocently. Kuroo _beamed_.

“Good. My two favourite people like each other. It makes me happy.” He laughed, squeezing Tsukishima’s arm. “Anyway, it made me want to ask- do you want to go out sometime?”

Up ahead, Ama was distracted by bothering a magpie- trying to charm it down out of its tree for cuddles, from the sound of things- so Tsukishima felt safe to stop dead in his tracks, choking on his own tongue.

“Please rephrase that, because right now it sounds like you’re asking me out on a date.”

“I am asking you out on a date.” Kuroo blinked, apparently not seeing what was wrong with the situation.

“Kuroo- it’s _me_. And you.”

“Exactly.” The alpha laughed. He took his arm back from Tsukishima’s grip and stepped closer to him under the drifting cherry blossoms, careful fingers touching his face. His skin burned where they lay, a flush creeping up from under his collar. “Me, and you, and…” Dismay crossed his features for a moment, and he tilted his head. “Are you telling me you don’t feel it?”

Tsukishima didn’t have to ask- he knew that Kuroo was talking about. That pull, alpha and omega and ten years of history together, feelings that he’d put away in a box but never been able to discard.

“I didn’t say that.” Tsukishima said, so softly it was almost a whisper. Kuroo’s eyes softened.

“I never stopped caring about you.” He shifted closer again, speaking almost into Tsukishima’s ear now as he reached down to link their pinkie fingers together. “You’re the one who broke up with me, remember? I never wanted to. I _wanted_ to ask you back out the first time I saw you, I was just… worried. About Ama-chan. She’s _everything_ to me, and I can’t let her get hurt.”

Tsukishima remembered Haruka that morning, and turned his head away guiltily. Kuroo didn’t seem to notice.

“But… I don’t know. She likes you. You seem to like her- or you get along, in any case. So I don’t have an excuse for myself anymore.” He shrugged his broad shoulders, and his smile was _heartbreaking_. He’d seen enough of Kuroo Tetsurou’s cocky smirks to last a lifetime, but this was something else entirely: soft, and sweet, and childishly hopeful.

“Kei,” Kuroo said, and he said it like he had when they belonged to one another. Quiet, and gentle, with a soft breath taken beforehand like the name itself was a precious, delicate thing, and _Kei_ breathed out on the exhale. “Will you let me take you out?”

_This is a bad idea. Why do you make so many mistakes, all of the time_?

“Sure.”


	6. Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Touch:** _(verb)_ handle in order to interfere with, alter, or otherwise affect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE NOTE THE RATING CHANGE TO EXPLICIT and all the added tags
> 
> look out for references to kuroo and tsukki’s first kiss in this chapter… i’ve been considering writing a prequel

Dressing for a date was actually a lot easier than dressing for something that Tsukishima was adamant wasn’t a date. He knew what looked good on him, and since this was far from the first time that they had been out, he knew Kuroo well enough to recall what he liked to see on him. This time, looking pretty wouldn’t hurt. 

Nervous hands twisted in front of himself as he studied his reflection, teeth digging into his lower lip. He looked sweet in a shirt and sweater with rolled-up jeans, enough to be confident of holding Kuroo’s attention when he met up with him. But that wasn’t the problem, because he had always been aware that he’d hold Kuroo’s attention; that was just how it went between the two of them. The problem was that he was self-aware enough to realise he was making a stupid decision, but not enough to stop it. He had put so much effort into watching his steps around Kuroo, making sure that he didn’t allow himself close enough to fall for him again, and now he had thrown all of that away by agreeing to let the alpha take him on a _date_. 

He was annoyed with himself. But not annoyed enough to cancel. As always, Kuroo made him do stupid, careless things. It was the only time that he ever allowed himself to be ruled by his heart instead of his head.

Kuroo had insisted on planning the date singlehandedly, when they were texting back and forth to organise it, saying that he wanted to get the chance to court Tsukishima all over again. He’d sent him a particularly cutting emoji in response, but allowed it- Kuroo was a romantic at heart, and when he got these ideas into his head that he wanted to be a _traditional alpha_ and treat his omega, Tsukishima had learned long ago that it was easier just to step back and allow it.

So when he left his apartment the next Saturday Tsukishima was armed only with the text where Kuroo had asked him to meet him at the metro station. It was still daylight outside, but the sun was beginning to dip down lower in the sky as the streets bustled with the anonymous rush hour traffic of people beginning to head home for the day or out for the night. The metro station was so packed that Tsukishima almost didn’t see Kuroo, at first. As always, it was the hair that did it, sticking out in seventeen directions over the top of the crowd which Tsukishima cut through to get to him.

“Hey.” Kuroo greeted him with a bright grin, pulling him into a quick, one armed hug before he turned to hurry towards one of the platforms. “Glad you made it here okay, but we’re gonna miss the train.”

“There’ll be another one right after.” Tsukishima pointed out, dodging around commuters to follow Kuroo.

“Yeah, but I want to get there as soon as possible so we have time to do a bunch of stuff before they close.”

“Where’s ‘they?’” Tsukishima asked with faux-innocence, hoping that he could catch Kuroo off-guard enough while he was distracted with metro maps and times to reveal the secret date location. 

“Never you mind.” Kuroo smirked, skidding to a stop just before the gap that dropped down to the tracks and holding his hand out to stop Tsukishima too. “Get on.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes, but he did as he was asked. The train was too busy to sit down, but the longer they were on it, the more people left. Tsukishima remained standing, though, holding onto one of the rails. Kuroo’s arm had found it’s way around his slender waist, making his breath hitch in surprise, but he made no move to get him off. He’d forgotten how pleasant it was to be close to him.

“We’ve been here a while.” Tsukishima pointed out finally. Every time the train stopped, he’d glanced at Kuroo to see if this was theirs, and every time the alpha had shaken his head. Tsukishima was officially lost- he didn’t think they’d ever travelled this far for a simple date, not even back when they were a close and happy couple. “Is your date idea just to ride around on the metro all night? I knew you lacked creativity, but this is something else.” 

Kuroo flicked him in the back of the head in response, and Tsukishima hid his face against his shoulder for a moment while he laughed.

“No, obviously. I have a whole, romantic night planned.” Kuroo assured him. He was rubbing Tsukishima’s hip gently where he held him, each tiny circle of his fingers taking the omega five years back in time. He could pretend it was his instincts that found comfort in being in an alpha’s arms, but he was getting tired of lying to himself. He knew it was just because it was Kuroo. “I just forgot that heading out at rush hour would mean it’d take a while to get there.”

“Mhm, so it’s not a creativity problem after all. Just intellect.”

Kuroo turned to glare at him, and Tsukishima met his gaze with innocently raised eyebrows. The alpha looked at him for a moment before laughing himself and squeezing his hip.

“Just wait and see.” he said with a smirk. 

Thankfully, they didn’t have to stay on the metro for long after that. A few stops later, Kuroo nudged his knee against the back Tsukishima’s, motioning for him to get out of the car. They left the metro station together and, as they emerged into the night air, Kuroo nudged the back of his hand against Tsukishima’s and let their knuckles bump together. The omega blinked and glanced down, his lips parted slightly, before looking back up at Kuroo’s face. He wore a sweetly sheepish smile, his eyes soft and hopeful, and Tsukishima swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat. Turning his head to one side so that he didn’t have to look at Kuroo ( _so that he doesn’t see me blushing_ ) he responded to his unspoken request and casually linked their pinkie fingers together, swinging their hands a little as they walked. 

“You still haven’t told me where you’re taking me.” Tsukisima pointed out after forcibly clearing his throat.

“You’ll see. Very soon.” Kuroo grinned.

And he did. As the sun descended lower and lower, the colours of the sky had turned pastel. Gold turned peach turned lilac turned blue, and Tsukishima gazed quietly up at the sky to appreciate it’s beauty. Until he noticed that the skyline was being interrupted by a mountain rising up surrounded by fanciful buildings, a fairly bizarre sight to see as far as Tsukishima was concerned for the moment before it clicked where Kuroo was taking him. He whirled to face the alpha, eyes widening.

“You didn’t.”

“I did.” Kuroo grinned back, immensely proud of himself.

“You’re not taking me on a date to Disneyland.”

“DisneySea,” Kuroo corrected. He swung their hands together again, whimsical and childish. “And yes, I am. We never got to go before you left, so we’re going now. It’s not actually that expensive to get in if you go after dark, like we are.”

“I can’t believe this.” Tsukishima said to himself in quiet horror and awe. _Disneyland_. Unbelievable. Kuroo just laughed at the look on his face again, shaking his head.

“Lighten up. Come on- there’s a gift shop before you go into the park, I wanna grab something.”

Tsukishima let Kuroo drag him along, his eyes still drifting occasionally back to the skyline. As sour and serious as he could be, even he had to admit it was… quite charming. He’d loved Disney as a child as much as anyone, and it was impossible to quash the giddy feeling rising up in his chest. 

It seemed like Kuroo still knew just how to make him happy.

Inside the gift shop, Kuroo squeezed Tsukishima’s hand and encouraged him to wait where he was before disappearing off among the endless shelves of plushies and souvenirs. Left to his own devices and quietly charmed, Tsukishima quietly admired a shelf full of cookie jars decorated with various characters in the style of stained glass windows, until his attention was grabbed by the sensation of something being placed on his head. Confused, he lifted a hand to investigate and felt smooth plastic beneath his fingers.

“What…?”

“Look.” Kuroo’s voice came from behind him, practically trembling with amusement that could mean absolutely nothing good. His hands came to rest gently on the omega’s hips like they belonged there, turning him to face a nearby mirror set between shelves. Immediately, Tsukishima scowled.

Kuroo had, apparently, ambushed him from behind for the sake of putting a pair of Mickey Mouse ears on top of his head. Worse still, the alpha himself was wearing a matching pair, with the addition of a red and white polka dot bow.

“ _No_.”

“ _Yes_.” Kuroo laughed, nuzzling against Tsukishima’s neck. He shivered beneath his hands when he felt his breath ghost over his scarred scent gland, a more intimate touch than he had felt in a long, long time. “It looks really cute, Kei.”

“It’s stupid.”

“You’ve tolerated a lot of stupid things for me in the past. What’s one more?” Kuroo cooed, giving him a heartbreakingly hopeful look in the mirror. “It’s in the spirit of the park- you’re supposed to feel _magical_. Besides, I already paid for them.”

Tsukishima groaned, lifting his hands up to hide his face. It had the dual effect of also muffling his voice when he said ‘fine,’ but he still heard the sound of delight that Kuroo made in response. 

“You’re so good to me.” Kuroo sighed in bliss as Tsukishima lowered his hands from his face. He felt warmth and pressure against his cheekbone suddenly, and it took him an embarrassingly long moment to realise that Kuroo had kissed him. His face flushed scarlet.

“Oh, my god- let’s just get going.” The blond sighed dramatically, turning to leave the gift shop and doing his best to ignore Kuroo snickering behind him. He’d learned long ago that the only way to combat Kuroo’s silly, sweet moods was to ignore them and maintain as much of his own dignity as possible in the meantime.

It rarely worked, but that was half of the fun.

Kuroo had said that tickets for the park were less expensive in the evening, and Tsukishima trusted him not to lie; but that didn’t do the long entrance lines any favours, he quickly discovered. By the time they were actually walking together into the park, the pastel colours of the sky had been painted over by the indigo night, the first few stars struggling to appear in the last dredges of sunlight still painting the horizon purple instead of midnight blue. At some point while they were waiting in line, Kuroo’s hand had found it’s way to Tsukishima’s, and he had laced their fingers sweetly together.

Tsukishima made no move to take his hand back. It even stopped feeling uncomfortably warm after a while. 

“So,” Tsukishima asked. “Where first? Since you’re the child here.”

“So cruel!” Kuroo lamented with an overdramatic sigh, before shrugging. “They have gondola rides, I thought we could do that first. I figured it’d be nice and romantic.”

“Romance is dead.” Tsukishima commented cynically, but Kuroo just laughed and dragged him off anyway. He was awkwardly holding a map in the hand that wasn’t clinging tight to Tsukishima’s, since apparently his dream romantic date involved taking complete charge. Tsukishima was content to let him; there was something incredibly funny about an alpha running around, being typically controlling while also wearing Minnie Mouse ears. 

Before they could actually join the queue for the gondola rides, they passed a food vendor stationed nearby the attraction, selling ice cream and sweets and soup that made Tsukishima tug on Kuroo’s hand to pull him over. It smelled good, and if he went to Disneyland without taking advantage of the sweets, he would never forgive himself. Kuroo denied wanting anything, but he insisted on buying Tsukishima a strawberry lollipop shaped like Mickey Mouse’s head- _everything_ in this place seemed to be shaped like that.

“Good?” The alpha asked, watching with a fond smile as Tsukishima licked at his prize with the delicacy and grace of a domestic cat.

“Really good.” He admitted, hiding his smile behind the sweet. 

“Do you remember the first time I kissed you?”

The question was enough of a non-sequitur to make Tsukishima frown, but he nodded anyway. Of course he remembered it. He’d never forget- they hadn't even been dating yet, just casually courting and flirting when Kuroo had surprised him and swept him off of his feet.

“You were eating one of those push-pop things that are supposed to be for kids. Strawberry flavoured.” Kuroo recalled with a smile and a faraway look in his eyes. “It was all over your mouth- made your lips look so shiny and sweet. I always thought your scent was like strawberries, and when I kissed you, you tasted like it too.”

A part of Tsukishima hated that even after almost ten years, Kuroo letting his romantic side show still flustered him as much as the first time the alpha had ever shown interest in him.

“I remember.” He assured him in a soft voice, giving his present-day lollipop another nervous little lick. With his eyes downcast on the ground, he had more than enough warning that Kuroo was reaching out to touch him, but he didn’t bother trying to move away.

Fingers gently touched the underside of his chin, tilting his head up so that he could meet Kuroo’s eyes. He let his own hands fall a little once he noticed the alpha leaning in, his eyes closing and lips parting. 

Their first kiss had been a sneaky, unexpected thing; quick and a little rougher than Tsukishima had expected, with Kuroo grinning like a bandit when he pulled away in the knowledge that he’d stolen the omega’s first kiss.

This wasn’t. Kuroo kissed him the same way he had handled most things to do with Tsiukishima since his return to Japan: with heartbreaking gentleness and care, holding him as if he were made of glass and kissing him just the same. He knew his lips would be sticky-sweet from the lollipop, but Kuroo moved his own mouth against his with slow and measured patience. When he did pull away, it wasn’t far, and he nudged their noses together affectionately.

“Strawberries.” The alpha murmured. 

“No shit.” Tsukishima retorted, breathless, and Kuroo laughed. 

“Come on.” He murmured, taking Tsukishima’s hand again. If he wasn’t mistaken, he was sure that he could see a blush forming on Kuroo’s cheeks, and he found himself instantly, wickedly delighted. “I’m sure they’ll let you eat that on the gondola.”

Compared to the wait to get into the park, the wait for the boats themselves was nothing; although it was a little less romantic that Tsukishima supposed Kuroo had envisioned, since they were sharing said gondola with a handful of other people. Nevertheless, the two of them folded themselves into a secluded corner at the back of the boat, Kuroo letting go of Tsukishima’s hand only so that he could wrap his arm around his shoulders and hold him close to his own body, gently stroking his hip. Tsukishima resisted for a moment, before reminding himself that he had already agreed to a date, which they were now on- he was well past the point of no return. Sighing, the omega allowed himself to relax against Kuroo’s body, tucking his head up under his chin. 

Even as darkness was falling across the park, everything was lighting up. Tsukishima watched from the boat as they drifted down the artificial river as lights flickered on in facade windows, on rides and lamp posts, fairy lights strung up overhead. It felt childish, but whimsical, and _magical_. Sitting there in this beautiful place with Kuroo’s body warm against his own and his scent surrounding him, Tsukishima finally allowed himself to imagine that perhaps giving in was okay. _Everything will be okay,_ he thought quietly, looking up at Kuroo. The alpha was watching the water that lapped at the gondola, but it was somehow better not to meet his eyes; to just have the opportunity to study his familiar face. _I love him, still. And I think maybe he still loves me, too._

When the ride stopped, Kuroo hastened to get out of the gondola first, offering Tsukishima a chivalrous hand. He laughed at him, naturally, but allowed Kuroo to help him out of the boat; and then laughed again, less cruelly and more helplessly, as the alpha used the momentum to pull him forwards into another strawberry flavoured kiss. Tsukishima stumbled over his own feet in surprise, almost tripping, but Kuroo’s hands caught his waist and held him steady as he bit down playfully on his lower lip.

“Careful.” Kuroo warned teasingly.

“Asshole.” Tsukishima retorted, before he reached down to seize Kuroo’s hand in his own. He didn’t know if it was the location of the date or just being around the alpha again without worry or guilt, but he felt almost giddy. He’d been merely content for so long that he’d been beginning to forget what it felt like to be _happy_. “My turn to choose where we go now.”

“Of course.” Kuroo agreed, chasing after Tsukishima where he pulled him along by the hand. “Lead the way.”

Kuroo regretted that decision very quickly. Tsukishima cackled at the look on his face as he dragged him into the line for the Tower of Terror ride, smirking at the alpha. Once Kuroo noticed he was being looked at, he cleared his throat and attempted to school his expression into something more neutral than terrified. If anything, that just amused Tsukishima more.

“We don’t have to ride it if you’re scared.” He taunted.

“I’m not scared. You shouldn’t assume things.” Kuroo huffed, but cast a nervous look up at the ride which Tsukishima pretended not to notice.

“Of course, of course. My mistake.” He said with a wicked smile. Kuroo being Kuroo and an alpha, he kept up his facade of being unafraid all the way through the line, being seated on the ride and strapping themselves in. It was only once the ride actually started to move, making its ascent upwards, that he grabbed Tsukishima’s hand in a crushing grip and whispered _oh my god, oh my god, oh my god_ over and over in an increasingly high pitched voice. When the ride plunged downwards, Kuroo screamed; and Tsukishima shrieked, and laughed, and wondered how he had ever thought that he could live without him at all. 

It took what Tsukishima would have considered an embarrassingly long time for Kuroo to calm down after that, the alpha glaring darkly at him while he patted his back comforting and hid his snickers behind his hand.

“It’s really not funny.”

“There were _children_ who dealt with that ride better than you. I told you we didn’t have to go on it.” 

“Yeah, well!” Kuroo huffed, standing up straight again and pushing out his chest in a show of alpha bravado which, honestly, amused Tsukishima even more than the comical fear had. “It doesn’t matter. Rides are lame anyway, we’re grown ups and we don’t need ‘em.”

“You’re the one who brought us to Disney…” Tsukishima observed dryly as he let Kuroo take his hand again and walked side by side with him through the park. There was so much to _do_ , so many things to see that he couldn’t keep looking in the same direction for too long. Even in darkness, the park was incredibly popular, but no one paid the pair of them any mind- they were just another couple out to have a nice time together. It made everything feel a lot more private than it was, like he and Kuroo were the only real people in the world. Tsukishima felt silly for it, but it was so easy to be charmed by the simple magic of this place.

Kuroo took him for dinner in one of the restaurants and they bickered playfully over whether to go Dutch or not as they ate udon and parfait, a discussion which ended in Tsukishima paying for all of the food since Kuroo had bought the tickets into the park. In retaliation, the alpha bought a bottle of red wine for the two of them to share, raising his glass. After pausing to give him a withering look, Tsukishima half-heartedly clinked the rim of his own glass against Kuroo’s and watched as the alpha went to take a sip. 

“You’re supposed to toast _to_ something, you know. Otherwise its just playing with the glassware.”

Kuroo glanced back at him, lips parted and glass tilted comically towards himself before he lowered it. He swirled the wine around in the glass for a few moments, humming thoughtfully to himself before he looked up at Tsukishima with a small, sweet smile. It was the same one that had disarmed him countless times before, knocking down every ice wall he built around his heart with breathtaking ease. He would have said that now was no different, but that wouldn’t have been true; there, in that place on that night, there was no wall left.

“Second chances.” Kuroo finally decided on his toast, and knocked back the wine. Feeling his heart leap into his throat, Tsukishima followed suit. 

By the time they left the restaurant, the sky had darkened from midnight blue to pitch black. It shone with stars, tiny weak spots of light nearly drowned out by the artificial noise of the park illuminations. Tsukishima tilted his head back to gaze up at them anyway, his pinkie finger linked casually with Kuroo’s.

In the distance, there was a whistle and a bang, and he heard Kuroo’s sharp inhale beside him. 

“Oh- look.” The alpha grinned, casual fingers turning Tsukishima’s chin to the side so he’d look in the right direction. There were fireworks exploding up in the sky from a different part of the park, golden sparks bursting into life and then cascading down to the ground before they fizzled out. Rubies glittered in the dark sky behind the illuminated neon tower of the fairytale castle that dominated the skyline, and Tsukishima absently tightened his grip on Kuroo’s hand.

“Must be a parade thing going on in a different part of the park.” The alpha observed in a murmur. Gently, he extracted his hand from the other man’s grip, but only so that he could wrap his arm around his waist instead; pulling him close before he reached up to run absent fingers through his blond hair. “We’re missing it.” 

That certainly explained why this section of the park had been so quiet when they emerged from the restaurant, but Tsukishima didn’t feel like they were missing anything at all. They could still see the fireworks from here, a riot of colours in the night. The music, muted by distance, felt like a secret. He stood in Kuroo’s arms and felt again as if they were the only people in the world who mattered, alone together even in this bustling and crowded place.

His heart ached, but there was a sweetness in letting himself fall for Kuroo all over again. 

They stood and watched the distance until the fireworks had stopped, Kuroo’s fingers in his hair making the whole world calmer. Once he was sure that there would be nothing else lighting up the night sky, Tsukishima turned his head to press his lips gently against the corner of Kuroo’s mouth in a tiny, affectionate kiss.

“It’ll be closing soon.” He pointed out. “We should go home.”

“Yeah.” Kuroo sighed, wistful and sad, and then pressed a kiss to the top of Tsukishima’s head. “Let’s go back.”

Being that it was Kuroo he was on a date with, of course it wasn’t all as simple as that. He insisted on stopping off in the gift shop near the exit once more before they left, earning a tired look from the omega as he stood nearby with his arms crossed over his chest.

“You already got your stupid ear things.” He pointed out. “You’re twenty-nine years old. What else could you possibly want from a _children’s park?”_

“Disney is for all ages, Tsukki.” Kuroo lectured, standing on his toes so that he could grin mischievously at the omega over a shelf full of snow globes. “Don’t be a buzzkill. Besides, it’s not for me; if Ama-chan found out I’d gone to Disneyland and not brought her anything back, she’d kill me. It’s bad enough that I came here without her.”

Tsukishima deflated slightly. With how perfect the evening had been, he’d managed to forget about Kuroo’s daughter entirely until now. But there it was, the inevitable reminder that loving Kuroo wasn’t a simple thing anymore. Amaterasu was an intrinsic and inescapable part of his life, and one that Tsukishima never, ever wanted anything to do with no matter how sweet she could be.

It was disheartening. 

Kuroo must have noted the suddenly sour look on his face, because he emerged from behind the shelf clutching an offensively green dinosaur toy, which he proceeded to nudge against Tsukishima’s nose as if it was kissing him. 

The sour look changed to outright disgust. 

“What the fuck is that?”

Kuroo gave the stuffed toy an appraising look.

“A generic sauropod, I think.” He replied, glancing at Tsukishima for approval since he only knew that word in the first place from reading over the omega’s shoulder while he was working on  assignments for university. “From that new Pixar movie. Do you want it?”

“It’s a child’s toy.” Tsukishima replied, clipped. Kuroo just grinned. 

“ _Kei_ , don’t even try. I know you collect dinosaur toys, I’ve seen them. I _lived_ with them.”

“I only enjoy palaeontologically accurate depictions of dinosaurs.”

“The amount of times I came home late and found you asleep in front of the TV with _Jurassic Park_ on, I know that isn’t true.”

Tsukishima made a face. There was something lovely about being able to have the butterfly excitement of a first date while also spending time with someone who knew him so well, but it also meant he couldn’t try to lie to Kuroo. He’d seen through every mistruth a long, long time ago. 

“I still don’t want it.” He insisted.

“Fine.” Kuroo shrugged, un-offended. “I’ll get it for Ama-chan, she loves that dumb movie.” He tucked the toy under his arm, it’s poorly-supported head flopping cutely. “So what toy _do_ you want?”

“ _None of them._ I’m an adult.”

“Come on.” Kuroo just laughed, tugging on Tsukishima’s sleeve to lead him over to the shelves were all the stuffed toys were stacked up. “I told you already, I know you. I know you’re a big kid and you’re just _dying_ to get something from here.” He rested his chin on Tsukishima’s shoulder, batting his eyelashes at him. 

Scowling, the omega turned his attention to the shelves, scanning the toys slowly until his eyes settled on a Dumbo toy, stylised into a tube shape with stubby limbs sticking out and big black eyes. It was… actually kind of sweet.

“That’s not bad.” He sighed, nodding towards the toy vaguely. The way Kuroo’s eyes lit up was worth the humiliation.

“Be right back.” He promised, kissing Tsukishima’s cheek before he snatched the plush off of the shelf and carried it to the counter. When he returned, the green dinosaur had been relegated to a plastic bag held in his hand, but he insistently pressed the Dumbo plush into Tsukishima’s arms.

“Now when I’m not there you can cuddle it and think of me.” He grinned, and then laughed when the omega hit him over the head with it.

When Kuroo turned away from him to head for the exist, Tsukishima hugged the plush tight and hid his face in its soft fabric before hurrying to follow.

The metro home was quieter than the one there. There were fewer people around now that rush hour was over, and the both of them managed to land seats; Kuroo resting his head casually on Tsukishima’s shoulder and reaching over to stroke the plush’s oversized ears. As the train drew ever nearer to the omega’s stop, he finally spoke up.

“I don’t want you to go home.” Kuroo admitted quietly, his voice more shy than usual. “I don’t want to leave you again. We’ve had such a nice night, and I’ve _missed_ you, so much… I’ve been waiting so long to get to be with you like this again. I don’t want it to be over.”

“Don’t be dramatic. We can go on a second date.” Tsukishima shrugged, as if it meant nothing; but privately, he understood exactly what Kuroo was saying. The thought that he would have to get off the train alone and leave Kuroo behind was daunting. The old bond mark at his throat meant it had been all too easy to grow used to his scent and his warmth and his arm around his slender waist, and he was loath to be separated from him again. So much so, in fact, that he continued, “But I guess this one doesn’t have to be over yet.”

Kuroo lifted his head to look at him, but Tsukishima turned his face away. _Don’t blush_. 

“Come over for coffee.” He finally finished, and then cringed. _Coffee_? There was no mistaking what he was actually asking. It wasn’t even subtle, surely-

“Sure.”

Tsukishima’s thoughts screeched to a halt. He bit down on his lip.

“Okay.”

Leading Kuroo back to his apartment, Tsukishima was suddenly hyperaware of how it looked. Living there meant everything just faded into the background of his life, but now he couldn’t help but wonder how it looked to other people. It wasn’t a bad building or a bad area, but it was very… nondescript. Average. The walls were painted white and the laminate floor pale, and the decor sparse enough to make the whole room seem empty, the carefully made bed too clinical in the way that always made him insecure as an omega who was supposed to show warmth and emotion. He had privately criticised Kuroo’s home for being chaotic and cluttered, but looking at it with fresh eyes, his own apartment seemed soulless. 

Kuroo didn’t say anything about it, though. He looked around curiously as he removed his shoes and coat, before simply smiling.

“It’s very you.” 

“Thank you.” Tsukishima said. From Kuroo at least, he hoped that was a compliment. Avoiding the alpha’s gaze, he made his way over to the wide glass windows and carefully drew the curtains to hide them both from prying eyes.

“So… coffee?” Kuroo reminded him when he turned back around, and Tsukishima nodded distractedly.

“Coffee.” Theoretically, that _was_ technically what he’d invited Kuroo back for. Just for the sake of keeping up appearances, he really should have fetched him some. 

But he remembered how close Kuroo had stood to him all night, his hand in his, how close they had been until they weren’t close at all and how missing him had been such a constant, aching thing he’d stopped noticing it after a while.

Until he didn’t anymore, and now he could breathe again.

Tsukishima turned and crossed the room quickly, standing in front of Kuroo where he still lingered by the door. 

“Kuroo.” He said, reaching up to grab the alpha’s shirt at the same time he pushed him back and pinned him against the door. “I’ve _missed_ you.” He let everything leak into that word, the years of being lonely and the relief of being near him again, all that wanting and the way the alpha’s scent drove him wild. 

Kuroo cursed quietly, but it was swallowed when Tsukishima leaned in to kiss him. His hands found the omega’s hips, resting on his waist and keeping him close as he nipped at his lower lip. Tsukishima parted his lips without hesitation to let Kuroo fuck his tongue into his mouth, closing his eyes and cupping his face in his hands as he pressed against him shamelessly. 

And oh, Kuroo’s _scent_. He’d never known anyone’s change so fast. Tsukishima gasped into his mouth at the smell of an aroused alpha, and he heard Kuroo’s answering growl. He’d wanted him already, but the pheromones Kuroo was giving off now made his knees buckle slightly, his grip on his shirt tightening just to keep himself upright. Tsukishima pressed forwards, kissing him harder, deeper, answering Kuroo’s body with his own. 

The hands on his waist moved down under his shirt and then back up, dragging fingernails along his ribs until he shuddered against him. Then Kuroo was reaching down grab handfuls of his ass, pulling Tsukishima harder against him and sliding a leg between his thighs. The omega let out short, sharp gasps into his mouth as he rubbed against him, feeling his cock start to harden against Kuroo’s. His fingers moved up into his hair, tugging slightly, before Kuroo broke the kiss to mouth along his jawline. He dragged his tongue along the column of his throat, and Tsukishima shuddered with disgusted arousal as he rocked his hips needily against Kuroo’s. He was hard, too, and the feeling of it alone was enough to make the omega moan brokenly.

“Fuck,” Kuroo gasped out as he forcibly wrenched his head away from Tsukishima’s neck, panting against his shoulder as his fingers dug bruises into his hips. “Oh, fuck- Kei, you smell so good-” He couldn’t keep away, pressing his face back to the crook of Tsukishima’s neck and inhaling deeply. When his tongue brushed over his scent gland, swollen and sensitive from arousal, Tsukishima cried out; trembling as Kuroo sucked on the old scar, marking a possessive hickey into his skin. He tried to press his thighs together despite the knee still insistently grinding against him, feeling how slick he was between them. It was embarrassing, almost, being turned on so quickly; but being so close to an aroused alpha had relieved him of his senses, and the insistent way Kuroo’s mouth moved against his skin had stars bursting behind his eyes. 

“I want you,” He gasped out as Kuroo’s hands kneaded his ass; a possessive, rumbling growl starting up in the back of the alpha’s throat. “God, Kuroo- _please_ , fuck me-”

The alpha didn’t have to be told twice. Tsukishima let out a sharp gasp as Kuroo suddenly lifted him up off the ground, reflexively wrapping his legs around his waist so that he wouldn’t fall. His stomach twisted as Kuroo tossed him onto the bed, eyes wide as he felt more slick drip from inside him. The alpha, apparently, was as strong as he had always been, and the way he could toss Tsukishima around the bed like a rag doll was _insane_.

Kuroo was on him before he could think about it too much, eager hands pulling his shirt over his head, hungry teeth latching onto his throat. Tsukishima thrashed beneath him, the alpha pinning his hands against the bedsheets as he worked another possessive hickey into his pale skin. He wasn’t really trying to get away, but the strength in Kuroo’s arms promised that even if he wanted too, he _couldn’t_ , and Tsukishima let out another lewd moan. 

Keeping him pinned, Kuroo worked downwards, leaving a trail of kisses and love bites over Tsukishima’s collarbones, his chest and stomach. He only let him go so that he could undo his belt, and even then it was with a heated ‘ _stay still,’_ growled into his ear, in that commanding, Alpha tone that made Tsukishima shiver and buck his hips helplessly. He could deny his omega nature all that he liked in his day to day life, but here in his bed with only Kuroo’s eyes on him, everything in him screamed to submit and there was nothing that he could have done to resist it. 

Kuroo yanked his jeans and boxers down in one go, and Tsukishima’s breath hitched at the feeling of cold air against his cock, the dampness between his thighs. His mind was a mess, unable to think of anything but Kuroo; Kuroo’s hands sliding under his thighs and lifting his hips off the bed, spreading his legs as he leaned forwards.

The omega’s eyes widened.

“Kuroo-”

He broke off and _moaned_. Kuroo had spread his ass apart with one smooth movement and dragged his tongue over his hole in a sloppy line, letting out a hoarse sound of pleasure.

“Kei,” He said, his voice rough and wrecked from arousal, rumbling and primal and _alpha_. Tsukishima’s toes curled. “You’re so _wet_ …”

He didn’t bother to say anymore. Holding Tsukishima where he wanted him with easy strength, Kuroo licked at him again, dragging his tongue hungrily around his hole. He lapped at him hungrily, trying to clean up the sweet slick that was still flowing. With how tightly Kuroo was holding his hips to keep them up where he could reach, Tsukishima couldn’t buck or squirm, and without any way to get away from the pleasure it was _intense_. His eyes were watering, and he threw an arm helplessly over his face where he was blushing from the filthy, slick sounds from between his legs. 

His back arched like a bow when Kuroo pushed his tongue inside, sucking around his hole and fucking into him until Tsukishima was gasping and shaking apart. His cock ached, dripping precum over his stomach as the muscles there tensed with pleasure. There had been no slow burn or build up, just Kuroo and _this_ , intensity that made him bite down on his hand so he wouldn’t scream out. He was relentless, fucking him on his tongue and trying to lick deeper inside, shameless and grabbing at his ass, his thighs. Tsukishima’s hips bucked again, trying to squirm away as the pressure in his belly mounted and coiled tight, but Kuroo wasn’t letting him go.

It had been far too long since he’d felt pleasure like this. 

“ _Kuroo_.” Tsukishima gasped, his voice tailing off high and sharp as he came. Unable to move his hips, his thighs shook so hard they would have given out if he hadn’t been held up, and he turned to hide his face as he clawed at the sheets and painted his stomach in white. As he came down from the orgasm, Kuroo slowed his movements, pulling back and licking Tsukishima’s slick from around his lips. He lowered the trembling omega back to the bed, leaning up to kiss him. Tsukishima tasted himself on his lips.

“Fuck.” He murmured breathlessly, eyes closed and chest rising and falling unevenly as he panted for breath. 

“Good?” Kuroo laughed, out of breath as much as Tsukishima was. He pressed butterfly kisses over his high cheekbones, running his hand slowly down his chest and stomach to wrap his fingers around his small omega cock. Tsukishima whined, oversensitivity making sparks light up behind his eyes, and rolled over quickly onto his stomach to get Kuroo away from him. Hearing him laugh again, he turned to look over his shoulder at him with half-lidded, hazy eyes. 

Smirking down at him, Kuroo knelt up on the bed to take off his shirt and throw it to the floor, unneeded. He must have seen Tsukishima’s eyes light up with aroused interest at the sight of his toned, tanned chest, because he smoothed his hands over his skin to show off before reaching for his belt. He undid it slowly, teasingly, before pushing his boxers and jeans down just enough to take out his cock. 

Tsukishima’s breath hitched in his throat- he _loved_ Kuroo’s cock, perfectly thick and long, the swelling at the base where his knot would soon form making him drool a little. Without even thinking about it, he was lifting his hips up; keeping his chest pressed to the bed as he pushed his ass up in the air and spread his legs to expose his dripping hole, presenting for his alpha with perfect submission. He hid his face in the sheets, flushing pink, but he still heard Kuroo’s answering pleasured groan.

“ _Kei_.” He breathed, his voice reverent as he leaned over his back to press kisses across his shoulder blades. His hand moved slowly over the omega’s spine, fingers leaving trails of fire where they touched before they slipped between his legs. 

Tsukishima barely felt the first finger that Kuroo pushed inside him, just heard the alpha’s breathless moan. He was so aroused, so relaxed with pleasure from Kuroo going down on him; he was slick and wet and his body gave in so easily to Kuroo’s fingers. He pushed a second inside, breathing out shakily as he watched slick drip out to run down his wrist and Tsukishima’s thighs, as he thrust them both inside. He crooked them to rub against his sweet spot, and the sweet moan he received in answer made his hips jerk helplessly forwards. 

“God, Kei,” Kuroo murmured, his voice still thick with arousal. “You’re so ready for it, fuck-” He bit down on Tsukishima’s shoulder, stifling a growl.

“I _know_.” Tsukishima snapped, rocking his hips back against Kuroo’s hand. With his fingers inside him, spreading him open, his cock was hardening again already, nails clawing thoughtlessly at the sheets. “Need it so bad, Tetsurou, _please_.”

Hearing his given name on Tsukishima’s lips was what ruined Kuroo. He hastily withdrew his hand, using Tsukishima’s leaking slick to give his own cock a few strokes, groaning low in his chest. Then he moved forwards, gripping the omega’s hip with his free hand as he lined up the head of his cock and started to push inside.

Tsukishima gasped beneath him, his back arching. His lips fell open, eyes wide and unfocused as Kuroo pushed inside and spread his body open around his cock. He’d forgotten what it felt like to be fucked and _full_ , his fingers woefully unable to compare to the feeling of an alpha claiming his body like it was supposed to be claimed. He made a choked noise when Kuroo bottomed out inside of him, his toes curling as he felt himself stretch wider around his swelling knot. 

“Move, _move_.” Kuroo was a gentleman and Tsukishima knew he wouldn’t do anything until he was ready, but Tsukishima didn’t _want_ to be ready. He’d been starving for so long- he needed to be _fucked_ , for Kuroo to take him and make him his again. 

He loved him because he didn’t have to say any of that; Kuroo simply knew.

Tsukishima cried out as he felt teeth sink into the side of his throat, scruffing him like a bitch to be bred. Kuroo pulled back and before Tsukishima could even whine for the loss, he snapped his hips forwards and thrust back inside, quick and hard and at an angle so perfect the omega almost forgot how to breathe.

Tsukishima _screamed_.

Kuroo set the pace like that, fucking into him hard and fast, punishingly enough that Tsukishima felt it no matter how wet he was. His hips were bruising his thighs with their grip as he held him in place, bouncing his ass back against his cock with enough force to leave red marks like he’d been spanked. Kuroo was just as hungry as he was, and he had been starving for longer. He growled against Tsukishima’s skin and bit down harder on his neck, marking him as claimed for any alpha to see as he pounded against his prostate to hear him cry out so pretty and broken. Tsukishima writhed beneath him, hiding his face in the sheets and biting down on his pillow to muffle the desperate noises he made, but Kuroo was having none of that. 

He let go of his hip with one hand and wrapped a single strong arm around Tsukishima’s slender body, yanking him up from the bed and holding himself against his chest as he railed him.

“Don’t you dare.” Kuroo snarled into the omega’s ear, hearing him wail in response and feeling his insides clench around his cock. Even after all this time, he knew just how Tsukishima liked it, how he needed it rough, craved being dominated and shown his place. “I want to hear it.”

Tsukishima nodded, and Kuroo slowed his thrusts for a moment, but only so he could aim better and fuck into him harder to hear the way that Tsukishima yelped and sobbed in pleasure. Then he was back to taking him with quick strokes, thrusting in all the way and grinding deep inside him. 

No matter how slick and open Tsukishima was, he still felt it when Kuroo’s swelling knot started to catch on the rim of his hole. Golden eyes widened, and he gasped with every thrust as it became harder and harder for Kuroo to force his way inside. He was growling again, teeth dug into the crook of Tsukishima’s throat- right over his scent gland where it would make the omega moan and whine as his hole fluttered and tensed around his cock. The noises he was making were growing higher and shorter, his thighs shaking as Kuroo fucked into him. His eyes were nearly crossing as he felt the alpha’s knot smell, moaning brainlessly at the way it stretched him out inside. 

“ _Fuck!_ ” Kuroo shouted as he thrust his hips forwards, forcing the whole of his knot inside of Tsukishima. The omega cried out as it swelled up fully inside of him, pressing against his prostate as Kuroo came and came again. The feeling of it, flooding inside him, was enough to push him over the edge as well. He arched as he came, crying out Kuroo’s name and collapsing in his arms as he spilled himself over the sheets. Kuroo thrust a few more times, riding out his orgasm, before he fell to the bed; hiding his face against Tsukishima’s neck and hugging him close. 

In the quiet afterwards, Tsukishima closed his eyes. There was no sound but the sound of their breathing, fast and shallow. He could feel Kuroo coming inside him still, like he would for the whole half hour his knot tied them together; could feel the warmth of his chest against his back and the relaxing weight of his arm around his waist. His chest ached again, and he swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. He said nothing, but he thought so loudly he wouldn’t have been surprised if Kuroo could hear it anyway. _I missed you, I missed you, I missed you._

_I love you_.

Once Kuroo’s knot had gone down, he pulled out slowly; letting out a soft groan and kissing the sore, bloody wound on Tsukishima’s neck where he had bitten too hard. It felt like he’d just narrowly missed his scent gland and avoided mating him again by accident, and the omega was terrified by how little he cared. 

“Always hated knotting you from the back.” Kuroo laughed dryly. “Way too hard to hold a conversation like that.”

“Mhm, that’s exactly why I always loved it when you knotted me from behind.” Tsukishima teased, and laughed when Kuroo have his ass a playful slap in response. He let the alpha roll him onto his other side, lying sprawled across his chest and cuddling up to him with a soft hum. He was content for all of a moment before he felt Kuroo’s cum beginning to drool down his thighs and hissed softly. Making a disgusted face, Tsukishima started to get up, before Kuroo grabbed his wrist and pulled him effortlessly back down.

“Hey, hey.” The alpha murmured, kissing the side of his neck sweetly. “I know it’s gross, but just stay a while, yeah? I wanna cuddle. Please.”

Tsukishima hesitated for all of a moment before sighing and flopping back down. It _was_ gross- there was a lot of cum- but Kuroo was soft and warm and he missed every moment that he was apart from him. 

The alpha made a contented noise, idly tracing his fingers over Tsukishima’s pale skin. It was nice, for a while; until he found the scar that crossed his stomach, and his fingers slowed and stilled. Something in his face looked pained, and Tsukishima waited patiently for the inevitable fallout. 

It took a long time for Kuroo to speak.

“You can’t have kids anymore.” He recalled from that evening at Bokuto and Akaashi’s house, weeks before. There was something so pained in his voice that Tsukishima winced- Kuroo sounded a lot more devastated about his infertility than he ever had been. 

“No, I can’t.” The omega just nodded; letting Kuroo work through this however he might need to. He’d already done it years ago. 

“I didn’t know.” Kuroo sighed, leaning down to rest his head against Tsukishima’s shoulder as if he couldn’t hold his head up anymore. “I’m really sorry.”

“I didn’t tell you.” Tsukishima shrugged. He remembered that time in the hospital, the dark shadows under Kuroo’s eyes; how heavily everything had weighed on him. He hadn’t wanted to give him one more thing to be upset about. “There’s no reason you should feel bad for not knowing.”

“I do anyway.” Kuroo murmured as he traced the scar, over and over. There was a faraway look in his eyes, and Tsukishima assumed they were remembering the same things. Pain and confusion, blood on the sheets, blood between his legs. 

He looked away.

“It’s not like it matters.” He sighed, looking lazily up at the ceiling. He could have fallen asleep there and then, so relaxed in Kuroo’s arms. “It doesn’t bother me, because I don’t want anything to do with kids anyway.”

“Except Ama-chan.” Kuroo grinned.

“ _Especially_ Ama-chan.”

There was silence.

Tsukishima’s stomach dropped. He knew immediately that was something that he should have never, ever let slip.

Kuroo sat up. The warmth of his body against his own disappeared as the alpha scooted back, putting distance between them with a horrified expression on his face.

“What did you just say?”

Tsukishima cringed. He didn’t reply- Kuroo knew what he’d said, and there wasn’t any fixing it. He didn’t like children and he didn’t like Amaterasu. Amaterasu especially- he had nothing against the girl, but she was a reminder of so many things that he hated, symbolic of everything that he had never wanted. 

“You heard me.” Kuroo had sat up, so Tsukishima sat up too; awkwardly crossing his arms over his chest as he looked at the alpha from the corner of his eye. 

“Do you… don’t you like Ama-chan?” Kuroo didn’t sound angry. He sounded _hurt_ , which was endlessly worse. 

“No.” Tsukishima swallowed. There was no point in lying, because Kuroo knew him too well for him to be able to get away with it. “I don’t.”

_Now_ he was angry. Tsukishima could see the fire in his eyes.

“I don’t- I don’t _believe_ you!” He snapped. “I _told_ you I only felt like- like I could _be_ with you know because you were getting along, and now you- what? You don’t want anything to do with her?”

Tsukishima’s chest was aching again, but in a different way. It felt like his ribs were breaking. He wanted to curl up until he was nothing at all.

“Sounds about right.” He said, cold and cruel because if Kuroo was going to hurt him, he would hurt him right back. 

The alpha just looked at him, for a moment, disappointment and anger warring on his face. Then he got up, very suddenly. His jeans were still on, so he pulled them back up and fastened his belt, reaching for his shirt. 

It took Tsukishima too long to realise what he was doing.

“Kuroo- wait.” He grabbed for him, but the alpha was walking away before he even noticed his outstretched hand. Tsukishima grabbed the sheets to cover himself as he tried to follow, his nudity suddenly feeling vulnerable instead of comfortable. “You can’t just _go_.”

“Why not?” Kuroo whirled back around, snarling again so that Tsukishima stumbled backwards a step. “I said- I _said_. Amaterasu is my _little girl_. She is everything to me, Kei- I care about you, so much it fucking hurts, but I love her more. What is the point in any of this if you can’t stand her? I can’t date someone who can’t deal with the fact I have a child and you _know_ that. Did you lie to me just for a fuck?”

“ _No_.” Tsukishima hissed, but it felt like a lie in his throat. He _had_ lied, if only by omission. He had stood and listened to Kuroo talk about how he only felt like they could be together because Tsukishima could deal with Ama-chan, knowing that it was untrue and he couldn’t, and he’d said nothing. Guilt twisted sharp in his gut.

“Then what was it? Why shouldn’t I go?”

Silence hung heavy in the air. Tsukishima’s fingers curled in the sheets until he thought they would rip.

When the quiet had gone on too long, Kuroo made a small noise of disgust that felt like a physical blow.

“Thought so.” He sighed, opening the door to step outside and leave the flat; leave him alone. “Goodbye, Tsukishima.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ive never been to tokyo disney or any disney, actually, since i was six so pls forgive inaccuracies
> 
> the toy kuroo got for tsukki is the same [tsum tsum](http://g03.a.alicdn.com/kf/HTB1OknGGXXXXXalXVXXq6xXFXXXN/202354711/HTB1OknGGXXXXXalXVXXq6xXFXXXN.jpg) currently sitting on the end of my bed. it’s so weird and cute. what the fuck. ama’s toy is a cuddly arlo from the good dinosaur
> 
> thank you once again to [rivkae](http://rivkae.tumblr.com/) for beta'ing, especially this chapter bcs its kind of awkward to have an irl friend of seven years read your hardcore omegaverse smut


	7. Care

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Care:** _verb_ 1\. to feel concern or interest; attach importance to something.  
>  2\. look after and provide for the needs of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have been waiting to write and post this chapter for EONS

There was a sense of finality as Kuroo slammed the door shut behind him which settled over the apartment as heavily as silence. Tsukishima’s breath caught in his chest and expanded there until it felt like his ribs would break, everything pressure and pain.

With numb fingers, he got off the bed and stepped forward to the door behind the departing alpha, leaning his forehead against the wood for a moment. The sheets that he’d used to cover himself as they fought had fallen down on the floor. When Tsukishima stood up straight again, he pressed pale fingers delicately over his face and drew a deep breath that shuddered through his body and rattled his ribcage. 

Five years ago he had sat on a plane and gazed out of the window. The horizon was lit up golden from the light of the rising sun, painting the sky pink and peach and violet. Tokyo disappeared beneath him, lights in the high rises blinking out as the day began to break. It had vanished from view as the plane banked above the clouds before the last one was extinguished. Tsukishima had cried then, and never again since. 

He would not cry now. 

The omega made his bed neatly, tucking the sheets in at the corners and rearranging his messy pillows. He picked up his discarded clothes and put them into the hamper. He replied to Yamaguchi’s concerned texts saying that he was fine, but he didn’t want to talk about how the date had gone right then. He turned on the shower and stepped beneath the water, washing away the drying sweat on his skin and the cum between his thighs and any trace that an alpha had ever touched him. 

He couldn’t wash away the dark bruise on the skin of his throat, but he could turn his face away from it in the mirror, and he did.

Kuroo didn’t call. Not that night, nor the next morning, or the day after that. Tsukishima wasn’t an idiot; he could get a message when it was given to him.

So he went on. Kuroo had disappeared from his life as quickly as he had come back into it, but, Tsukishima told himself firmly, that didn’t mean that he had to break down and stop everything. He still had his job and his home and his _life,_ his family and his few friends. 

Going on was all that he could do. There was no point, he said to himself, in anything else. Kuroo didn’t want him, and he was entirely in the right to do so. He had a daughter. Tsukishima disliked children but he understood what caring for them required: devotion. Amaterasu was the most important thing in Kuroo’s life, and there was no room in it for somebody who couldn’t accommodate her. It had been wrong for Tsukishima to lie. This he told himself, like a mantra. 

Carry on, carry on, carry on. 

A week after his disastrous night with Kuroo, Tsukishima decided he deserved a treat. After leaving work, he ducked into the cafe he passed on his commute home every night but hadn’t yet bothered to try, ordering himself coffee and a slice of strawberry cake. Finished both far too soon for his liking, he idly stirred the teaspoon in the empty coffee mug as he gazed at his phone, texting listlessly to update Yamaguchi on how his week had been going. 

Someone pushed a second mug of coffee, brand new and filled to the brim, into his line of sight on the table. 

Tsukishima glanced up and found himself looking into the dark, narrow-eyes of an alpha with a snakelike face. His fingers were still resting against the coffee cup that he had pushed towards him, and he smiled when he met Tsukishima’s eyes. 

“I didn’t know what your order was,” He explained sweetly, retracting his hand. “So I just bought a regular. I can get you milk and sugar to go with it.”

Slowly, Tsukishima cupped his hands around the saucer and dragged the coffee cup closer to him.

“I take it black.” He said, but his voice was guarded; ever-wary of alpha attention, since it was so very rarely wanted. 

Not that this one seemed to care very much about that. He pulled out the spare chair opposite to Tsukishima and sat down in it, sprawling artfully. He didn’t actually take up a great deal of space, but his presence seemed larger than he actually was. 

“So technically I got it right.” He smiled. Tsukishima supposed that it was supposed to be charming. The alpha leaned forward slightly. “I’ve been watching you.”

“Oh, of course- that isn’t creepy, at all.” Tsukishima didn’t even let the irritation in his voice show, just kept his words painfully dry and biting. The alpha across from him simply smirked. In his experience, there were two kinds of alphas: the ones who were put off when he didn’t immediately roll over like a good, docile omega, and those who saw it as a challenge.

Then there had been the one who just saw him as a person, but he had squandered his chances there.

“I didn’t mean it in a creepy way.” The alpha tried to assure him, resting his elbows on the table and then his chin on his hands. “I just think that you’re very beautiful.”

Subconsciously, Tsukishima raised a hand to the side of his neck to touch the faded bond mark that usually kept alphas from coming onto him. Before he could touch it, however, his fingers brushed against the fabric of the scarf knotted around his throat, and he remembered that his clothes today hid it. It had been too long since he’d slept with Kuroo for his scent to still linger on his skin, too. There was nothing on his person to suggest to this alpha he was attached.

Probably, he reminded himself firmly, because he _wasn’t_ attached. Kuroo had made it abundantly clear that he didn’t belong to him. He was nobody’s. 

“Thank you.” He replied finally, slowly lowering his hand. 

“You’re welcome.” The alpha’s grin widened a little, and he extended his own hand towards Tsukishima. “Daishou.”

Tsukishima hesitated for a moment. He wasn’t an idiot; he knew when someone was coming onto him. He knew, even having just barely met him, what Daishou wanted; the message that he would be giving if he sat down and talked with him. 

_Kuroo_ , said the voice in his head immediately, but he pushed it aside with no small amount of irritation. Why _shouldn’t_ he flirt with this alpha? It wouldn’t be the first casual affair that he’d had in his life. He was unclaimed and unattached; he hadn’t gotten hung up on Kuroo the first time they’d broken up, and he wouldn’t do it now. There was so much more to his life than chasing after someone who he was never going to be able to be with. 

“Tsukishima Kei.” He replied finally, and gave Daishou his hand. Instead of shaking it like he had expected, the alpha smiled slyly and lifted Tsukishima’s hand to his lips; pressing a kiss to the knuckles on his long fingers. Tsukishima felt his eyes widen, an all-too-obvious flush painting his pale cheeks pink. 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Tsukishima.” There was something slightly slimy about his snakelike smile, but Tsukishima decided to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. It would, probably, be good for him to at least _talk_ to other alphas. _I will not fall into missing him again. I will not let my life revolve around him_.

He took his hand back from Daishou, folding both neatly on the table in front of him and hoping his smile looked pleasant. 

“Likewise.”

Daishou’s eyes flashed.

“Good. So, Tsukishima-”

Tsukishima never figured out what Daishou had been going to say next, because he was interrupted by a faint strain of foreign indie rock that told him his phone was ringing. He held up one index finger in a silent request for the alpha to wait while he fished his phone out of his pocket to see who was bothering him.

_Kuroo Tetsurou calling…_

Tsukishima lost his breath and had to take a moment to find it again. Ridiculously, he glanced around the coffeeshop; wondering if Kuroo was lurking nearby, watching him, making sure that no other alphas encroached on his territory.

He wasn’t, of course. Kuroo wasn’t that kind of possessive, jealous alpha. And besides, he didn’t care about Tsukishima anyway.

He should have ignored the call. It would have been the sensible thing to do, when he was trying to move on from his mayfly moment of hope. 

But Tsukishima was finding it harder and harder to be sensible these days.

“I’m sorry,” He apologised to Daishou, not bothering with another forced pleasant smile this time. “This is important. Excuse me.”

With that, he gathered up his things from the table and vacated his seat, leaving Daishou staring after him in undisguised, indignant disappointment. He waited until the door to the coffeeshop swung shut behind him to actually answer the phone. 

“Hello?” He hated the way that his voice sounded, so small and shy and unsure of himself. He wanted to wish that he had never let Kuroo see his heard, then he wouldn’t be so nervous around him now.

“Hi.” There was something breathless and hollow to Kuroo’s voice that Tsukishima recognised from all the times they’d had to have _difficult conversations_ in the last few months of their relationship. He bit down on his lip, not knowing what else he’d been expecting- or if he’d been expecting anything at all. The way he saw it, Kuroo calling him was as likely to be a wrong number as anything else considering the way they’d left things. “I didn’t want to call you.”

_Thank you for being so blunt about that, sweetheart_.

“I could have guessed that.” Tsukishima said, smooth and easy as if it didn’t bother him at all. It was a lot easier to not get emotional when he was walking down a street crowded with people who would be able to _see_ if he teared up, probably even catch the scent of a distressed omega. He wouldn’t embarrass himself like that. “But obviously you did it anyway.”

He just kept thinking about the timing of the call, how it had happened just as he decided that maybe permitting another alpha’s advances wouldn’t be the end of the world. But Kuroo couldn’t have known, and Tsukishima didn’t believe in fate.

And yet.

“Yeah. Uh,” Kuroo sighed heavily. “Two of the kids in my class had an incident and I need to meet with their parents.” He swallowed hard; clearly, he was not just calling to regale Tsukishima with tales of his day. “I knew about it beforehand, but my babysitter cancelled and Bokuto and Akaashi are at a suit fitting for their wedding, or- something, I don’t know.” Kuroo sighed heavily down the phone. “So I don’t have anyone to watch Ama-chan. I could take her to my mom’s, but I don’t want to drag her all the way out there when it’s already pretty late for her…”

He trailed off, but Tsukishima stayed silent. He’d figured out where the call was going- because of course Kuroo _needed_ something from him, of course he wasn’t just calling for the sake of calling- but he wasn’t going to offer. He was bitter and petty and he was going to make Kuroo say it. 

‘Could you watch her? Please?” Kuroo’s voice cracked on the last word. “You’re the last person I’d ever wanna ask but. Please.”

Tsukishima thought about it. He thought about being alone in Kuroo’s house with Kuroo’s daughter, the only one around to take care of her. He thought about Amaterasu being his _responsibility_ and he felt like losing his slice of cake all over the pavement, shaky and clammy. He knew he was being over the top, irrational- she was just a _kid_ \- but he couldn’t help it either way.

But he was thinking about Kuroo, too. The look in Kuroo’s eyes when he’d stormed out of his apartment and how disappointed his voice had sounded. And Kuroo now, forced to offer him an olive branch out of desperation.

“Do you need me to come right away?” Tsukishima asked finally, exhaling slowly to keep his calm.

“If you can.”

“Okay.” Tsukishima sighed, crossing his free arm over his chest in something that wasn’t quite a hug as he worried at his lower lip with his teeth. “I’m not far away from work, so it shouldn’t take me that long to get there.”

“Thank you so much.” Kuroo said at the same time he exhaled all at once, the words coming out in a rush of gratitude. “I really didn’t want to ask- I know you’ll hate it and I really don’t have the right to ask anything of you, so- thanks.”

There was no apology what had happened for the other night, but Tsukishima supposed that was only fair. Kuroo hadn’t been in the wrong; his anger was perfectly justifiable, considering everything. 

“I’m really grateful, Tsukishima.”

“Yeah, well, you should be.” Tsukishima sighed; as if he didn’t have his own ulterior motives for this. Even if he couldn’t fix what he had broken, he at least wanted to see Kuroo again. “I’ll see you soon.”

It felt like the longest train ride of his life to Kuroo’s house, like the stairs leading up out of the nearest metro station would climb up and up into the sky forever and stop him from every reaching the top. The sky was dim as he hurried his way to Kuroo’s street, pulling his scarf further up around his throat. It looked like it might rain. 

He’d barely had time to knock on the door before it opened. Kuroo looked flustered, dragging his fingers through his hair until he saw Tsukishima and sagged in relief, sighing heavily. Something in the omega’s chest tightened and fluttered but he resolutely ignored it.

“Thank you, again.” Kuroo said, beckoning him into the house. “I already gave her a bath but she needs dinner- anything is fine, honestly, I don’t want to ask you to cook something ridiculous. She goes to bed at half seven but she won’t go down unless you read her a story- there’s tons of books in her room that you can pick from. She’s a really, really good girl, I wouldn’t have asked if I thought this would be hard for you. Just keep an eye on her and keep her entertained.” Kuroo rattled off, counting off each point on his fingers. “I’ll text you and remind you about everything once I’m on the train.”

Tsukishima blinked, nodding once. It was… disheartening, to hear Kuroo speak to him as if he were a hired babysitter rather than someone he shared a wealth of history with, but he understood it. Kuroo didn’t want anything to do with that history anymore. He just let himself have a moment to watch his face as he spoke, memorising the lines that had appeared in the past five years and wondering how many more chances he would get to see it. Once again, he was struck by how much the whole house smelled like him, smoky and bittersweet.

Kuroo led him to the kitchen, and Tsukishima swallowed hard at the sight of Ama-chan sitting at the round breakfast table there, colouring in with a box of crayons. 

“Ama-chan, look who’s here.” Kuroo cooed to his daughter, and she looked up from her drawing. Setting her eyes on Tsukishima, she beamed heartbreakingly wide. Like everything else she’d inherited from her father, she had Kuroo’s smiled exactly. They could have been clones if not for her eyes, wider and rounder and countless shades too pale. 

_She’s such a pretty little girl, really_ , Tsukishima thought wonderingly. 

“Tsukki!” Ama trilled, scrambling down from her seat at the kitchen table and throwing her arms around Tsukishima’s legs in a hug. He staggered, knocked back a few steps from the force of her affection, before gently patting her dark hair. He couldn’t think of what else to do, turning his head to Kuroo for some sort of help. Maybe he still didn’t like him, but he owed him a favour now. 

“Hey, hey, sunshine,” Kuroo laughed, gently bending down to extract Ama’s arms from around Tsukishima. “Ask before you tackle people, ya little monster.” He ruffled her hair, making it more of a tangled mess than it already was, and she giggled charmingly. “You’re okay with Tsukki watching you tonight, right?”

Ama nodded obediently, before she bit down on her lower lip- Tsukishima noticed for the first time that there was a gap where one of her front teeth should have been, childishly adorable- and clasped her hands in front of herself anxiously. 

“You’ll be back soon, right Daddy?”

“Soon for me.” Kuroo made a face, bending to kiss Ama gently on the forehead. “But you’ll be in bed by the time I get home. It’s okay, though, Tsukki’ll take good care of you. He’s very responsible. A lot more than I am- right, Tsukki?” He looked up at the omega expectantly, and, left with no other real options, he gave a nod. Kuroo beamed.

“You promise?” Ama asked, her gold eyes very wide. 

“I promise.” Tsukishima echoed. His nieces aside, he’d never looked after a child on his own before- _oh god, I’m going to kill her-_ but he was sure that it couldn’t be that hard. He was only doing it for a single night, after all, and it seemed like Kuroo was trying to simplify things for him somewhat. 

“Good.” Ama smiled up at him, nodding once before she turned on heel and skipped across the kitchen tile to go back to her drawings. 

“She doesn’t like being left on her own.” Kuroo explained to Tsukishima in a low voice. “She never is, obviously, she’s five- but if she doesn’t know someone’s there to look after her she doesn’t like it.” He shrugged his shoulders and sighed, before meeting Tsukishima’s eyes seriously. “Thank you again, for this. I know you’re going to hate it, so I’m really grateful. Just… don’t ignore her, and I’ll be back by eight-thirty.” He assured Tsukishima, once again skirting around the looming, invisible spectre of their previous fight. He slipped away from him to go over to Ama, kissing her cheek and giving her a hug as he bade her goodbye. Then he was gone, dodging past Tsukishima to get out of the kitchen door and leaving the house before he could even really think about it.

Tsukishima paused, taking a deep breath to try and steady himself somewhat. 

He was alone in the house with a small child who it was his sole responsibility to look after. He retraced Kuroo’s instructions again in his head, shooting a furtive glance over to Ama. For now, she was still colouring happily at the kitchen table, but how long was that going to last?

_Pull yourself together_ , he told himself harshly. Y _ou have a PhD. Looking after a kid isn’t going to be any harder than that_.

Just as long as she didn’t try to hug him again, anyway. 

Exhaling for a long time through his nose, Tsukishima turned to make his way over to Ama, standing behind her seat and looking over her shoulder.

“What are you drawing?” He asked, trying to affect that sickly-sweet, approachable voice he always heard people use around children. It failed horribly, and he decided to abandon the idea immediately. He was going to talk to her like an adult, or not talk to her at all. 

“A cat.” Ama replied without looking up from the paper; her brow was furrowed in concentration. Tsukishima thought there seemed to be a little too much green and purple for the misshapen creation on the page to be a cat, but he took it in stride.

“What’s that?” He asked, pointing at one particular spot on the drawing that he couldn’t quite make out. This wasn’t ignoring her, at least. He was totally capable of this.

“A unicorn horn.”

“…And those?”

“Wings.”

“Ah.” _She’s only a little girl, just let her get on with it._ “You know cats don’t have those, don’t you?” Apparently he couldn’t help himself. 

“This one does.” Ama looked up at him with her gap-toothed smile. “Do you think it should breathe fire?”

“If you want…” Tsukishima was rapidly realising that he was out of his depth, and he took a subtle step backwards from the chair. “Kuroo said I should make you something to eat. What do you want?” Cooking, at least, he could do. Dinner would also keep Ama in the kitchen. He felt suddenly aware of how much larger Kuroo’s house was than his own flat, how many places there were to get lost or hide or get into trouble.

He might not have liked children, and he might have had his own personal reasons to like Ama least at all, but he didn’t want her _hurt_. Not just because then Kuroo really never would speak to him again, but because she was a little girl and she deserved to be kept safe. 

Tsukishima was surprised at his own compassion.

“Could you make oyakodon, please?” Ama’s small request was heart-meltingly polite. Tsukishima wasn’t sure where the disconnect in his head had come from that allowed him to think of her as adorable and simultaneously terrifying. The part of him that also considered her sickening seemed to have fallen mercifully silent tonight. 

“I can if I have the right ingredients.” Tsukishima replied as kindly as he could. “Where do you keep your food?”

“In the fridge.”

“And the things that don’t go in the fridge.”

Ama pointed to one of the overhead cabinets. “Cupboard.”

Satisfied, Tsukishima turned to comb through the fridge and cabinets, collecting ingredients on Kuroo’s countertop before he glanced over his shoulder at Ama when he had enough.

“Oyakodon it is. Are you going to be a good girl and sit quietly while I make it?” _Fuck. I sound like my mother_.

“Yes, Tsukki! Thank you!” Ama beamed at him before she turned back to her colouring, and Tsukishima immediately regretted his previous thought. No adoring child deserved the kind of coldness that his mother had shown to him and Akiteru; it was one of the reasons why he kept well, well away from them. He bit his lip a little before turning back to the counter to start preparing Ama’s food.

Even Tsukishima had to admit that there was something comfortably domestic about it. Ama wasn’t frighteningly shrill or loud like so many of the children he’d seen before. He could hear the sound of her crayons scratching across the paper she had, her bare feet kicking against her chair and the soft humming or songs she sang to herself, but that was it. They kept themselves to themselves as he cooked, one eye on the stove and one eye on her, and she became simply a sweet presence in the background. It was easier when he wasn’t directly interacting with her- easier to care for her, easier to understand why other people would choose to curse themselves with children. 

_I still don’t like her_ , he reminded himself firmly as he put the finishing touches onto the food.

“Amaterasu,” Tsukishima said, waiting until he saw her look up in his peripheral vision to continue, “Where are the placemats? Bowls, cups?”

Kuroo’s daughter scrambled down from her chair again to show him where everything in the kitchen was kept, and then clean up her paper and crayons from where they had spread out like an oil spill across the table. Tsukishima saw what Kuroo had meant, now, when he talked about what a good girl Amaterasu was. She did everything she was asked, when he asked it, offered to help with plating the food and then obediently went to sit down when he answered no, it was too hot and he wouldn’t want her to burn herself.

He set the food down on the placemats that he had let Ama set out, taking the seat opposite her on the table and sipping at the glass of water he’d poured for himself. Watching him like a hawk with her golden eyes, Ama immediately followed suit and drank from her plastic cup of juice.

“Are you copying me, Amaterasu?” Tsukishima asked her, helplessly amused by the idea in spite of himself. What about him was worth copying? 

Utterly shameless, the girl nodded.

“Do you wanna tell me why?” He asked, then nodded casually towards the bowl of oyakodon. “Make sure you eat, too.” He didn’t want her to starve, especially when he was supposed to be looking after her. 

“My dad told me you’re a paleeo- a paleyn- a-” Ama made a face, trying to force her mouth to form the words and failing.

“A palaeontologist?” 

“Yeah!” She beamed, stuffing some food into her mouth and chewing thoughtfully, swallowing before she continued. “And I wanna be one too, so I’m doing what you do.”

Tsukishima ducked his head to hide a smile. That was kind of cute- it was a little flattering that Ama was looking up to him for his career when most people his own age just nodded and politely changed the subject.

“Eating the way I do isn’t going to help you.” He advised her. “You have to be smart, too. And work hard at it for years.”

“I will!” Ama promised, this time through a full mouthful of food. She apologised, at least, when Tsukishima gently chided her for it. Her persistent cheeriness was… infectious, to say the least. It was hard to be miserable about what had happened with Kuroo, or mad at being landed with her, or even to be uncomfortable when she was always so sweet and happy. “I _really_ wanna work with dinosaurs.”

“If you want it that badly, I’m sure you can do it.” Tsukishima assured her with a slight shrug. “But not if you don’t grow up big and strong because you didn't get the right food when you were five. _Eat_.”

Ama blushed, before nodding and dropping her attention entirely to the food. Tsukishima took his time more than she did, watching her carefully to make sure she wasn’t about to choke. Despite not liking children, being alone with Amaterasu specifically brought out a protective streak in him that he didn’t know he’d had. He was glad she was eating something good, seemed happy and safe with him despite her sole guardian being gone for the night.

Once they were finished eating, Tsukishima let Ama help him wash up and dry the dishes, since her own bowl and cup were plastic and she wouldn’t smash them if they were dropped. With everything put away, however, he once again found himself at a slight loss for what to do. It was looking after Ama that was the part he found easy and almost _nice_ , not keeping her entertained. One of them made him feel pleasantly domestic in a way he wasn’t used to and surprised he enjoyed; the other one made him feel like he was going to break out in a rash from the stress. 

“Well…” He sighed finally, when Ama had been looking at him expectantly for just long enough that it got awkward. He didn’t particularly want this five year old girl to consider him an inadequate caretaker, even though she seemed to be looking up to him right then. He’d have liked to keep it that way- she _was_ sweet. The idea of being disliked made him squirm. “What would you like to do now?”

Ama pouted as she considered, tapping a chubby finger against her lips as her brow furrowed a little. 

“Can we play dinosaurs?” She asked finally, beaming up at him. This, at least, was a little more within Tsukishima’s comfort zone, and he hastily nodded. He let Ama lead him into the living room and watched as she opened the toy box that was pushed up beside the television to rescue some dinosaurs from inside. 

“I’ll be triceratops,” She said, holding one toy close to herself and handing the other over to Tsukishima. “And you can be stegosaurus.”

“Stegosaurus is from the Jurassic period and triceratops didn’t appear until the Cretaceous, they never would have interacted with each other.” Tsukishima said before he could stop himself, and immediately cringed. He could already hear Kuroo’s speaking in his head, using the same disapproving Dad Voice that he’d heard so often from Akiteru while he was staying with him. _Kei, she’s five_.

Luckily, Amaterasu didn’t seem to mind that much. 

“Okay.” She tilted her head curiously. “What can you be, then?”

Tsukishima leaned over to comb through the toy box, producing a small plastic toy.

“What about a velociraptor?” He suggested. “It’s a little older than triceratops, so they probably wouldn’t have actually met, but we can pretend its dakotaraptor.” He mused. “Even if neither of them would have actually looked like this.” The toy was very scaly and its skin looked shrink-wrapped, in his professional opinion. 

The triceratops figurine had gone limp in Ama’s hand as she looked up at Tsukishima with slightly parted lips, fascinated. 

“What would it have looked like?” She asked, sitting up on her knees and clapping with an excited giggle. “Tsukki, teach me about dinosaurs!”

Tsukishima couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. He shifted closer to Amaterasu, holding up the toy and explaining what it should be like; smaller, more muscular, feathered- here, he paused for Ama’s squeal of delight that dinosaurs were _fluffy_ \- and the other dinosaurs it _would_ have lived with that weren’t triceratops. Everything he explained led to more questions, and he tried his best the simplify his answers from ‘professional palaeontologist’ to ‘small child.’ For once, he found that he didn’t mind talking to her. It was charming to see how genuinely interested she was in dinosaurs, and he was all to happy to indulge her. 

He only paused when Ama yawned, blinking sleepily at him, and his tirade about the diet and hunting style of tyrannosaurus slowed to a stop. 

“Are you tired, Amaterasu?” He asked her gently.

“No.” She mumbled in return, rubbing her eyes, but Tsukishima was looking at the clock. It was nearly eight o’clock.

“Well, it’s past your bedtime.” He pointed out gently. “I think you should get some rest.”

Ama paused, peeking at Tsukishima from over her hands.

“Can I have a cookie first?” She asked, her eyes narrowed- testing the waters. Tsukishima recognised the expression from when he’d first met his nieces, before they got to know him.

“Does you dad let you have cookies before bed?”

Ama’s eyes narrowed even more.

“…Sometimes…”

“That sounds like a no.” Tsukishima smiled, trying and failing not to be endeared, before he stood up and held out his hand to Amaterasu. “Come on, let’s go brush your teeth.”

She huffed, but went along with the omega to the bathroom, clinging tight to his hand. God, he felt like a _parent_. It was unnerving how easily he had slid into the role; how natural it felt to care for her. He stood and made sure she brushed her teeth for long enough and then followed her to her room, picking out some pyjamas emblazoned with a baby blue sloth and waiting outside while she changed. When he opened the door again, Amaterasu was climbing into bed, all of her plushies neatly rearranged to make room for her. 

“Are you just going to bed like that?” Tsukishima asked, dubiously eyeing her long, dark hair. The little girl paused, looking back at him, before cautiously replying,

“Yes.”

“Your hair is going to get all tangled if you sleep with it down.”

“I always sleep like this.” Ama frowned, absently touching her hair. _Maybe that’s why it looks like that, then_ , Tsukishima couldn’t help but think. 

“Look…” He paused, combing through a toy jewellery box that stood on the dresser until he came up with two star-patterned hair ties. “Let me braid your hair, it’ll be easier to brush in the morning. I’m not an expert, but I know the basics from my nieces.”

“Okay…” Ama sounded dubious, but she sat neatly on the bed. “It does kinda hurt to brush my hair in the morning.”

“This’ll make it better.” Tsukishima promised. He let Ama tell him where her hairbrush was and then sat behind her on the bed, taking time and care to comb through the dark strands until they were glossy and shiny. The braids that he plaited through were a little messy when he tied them off, but it was still better than going to bed with loose hair would have been. 

“There you go.” He said, quietly proud of himself. 

“Thank you, Tsukki!” Ama trilled, turning around to press a kiss to his cheek. Tsukishima’s eyes widened, something flipping over in his chest before he hastily got up to go through the small bookshelf near to the bed. He hadn’t expected that show of childish affection.

After ascertaining that Amaterasu didn’t have any particular preference, Tsukishima picked a book at random and sat back down on the end of the bed once she had tucked herself in. 

Tsukishima didn’t realise that the book was _Rapunzel_ until he opened it, but it had been one of his favourite fairytales and Amaterasu didn’t seem to mind. He wasn’t going to lower himself to putting on voices for the characters, but when he glanced up over the top of the book at Ama he could see her eyelids drooping as the story went on. 

Partway through the story, he heard a door open somewhere else in the house, but he ignored it. Ama hadn’t noticed, and he thought he’d never be able to get her to sleep if she realised her father had come home. 

The version he’d been read as a child had ended once Rapunzel was reunited with the prince, but this book had an extra few pages towards the end. Tsukishima paused the story when he realised what was happening: Rapunzel, being reunited with the parents she’d been taken from as a child. He looked down at the page for a long moment, losing himself in the illustration of the golden-haired girl embracing her mother and the words that described how happy she was to belong.

When Tsukishima remembered himself and looked back up at Amaterasu, he saw that she had fallen asleep before he even reached the last few pages, looking angelic in her sweetness as she dreamed. Carefully closing the book, the omega leaned over and pressed a gentle, affectionate kiss to her forehead before he got up to put the book away. 

Kuroo was standing in the bedroom doorway when he turned around, watching with a look on how face that Tsukishima had no single word for; sad and happy and wistful all at once, edged with bitterness.

The omega held a finger to his lips as he approached, waiting until they’d closed the bedroom door behind him so as not to disturb Ama before he spoke.

“How did the meeting go?” He asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Kuroo hadn’t moved much, leaving Tsukishima with little space to stand. His back was pressed up against the wall, boxed in by the alpha’s broader body, and he tried to ignore how good he still smelled. 

“It was fine.” Kuroo shrugged. “How was Ama-chan? You looked sweet with her.”

Tsukishima avoided Kuroo’s gaze, shrugging his shoulders as if it had been nothing. As if a large part of him hadn’t oddly, undeniably enjoyed the time he’d spent looking after her.

“She was fine.”

There was a moment of heavy silence.

“Are you ever going to tell her, Kei?” Kuroo asked, his voice soft and quiet and achingly sad. 

Tsukishima feigned ignorance, staring at the floor with more determination than ever. _If neither of us say it, then it isn’t true_. “Tell her what?”

“That you’re her mother.”


	8. Compromise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Compromise:** _(noun)_ an agreement or settlement of a dispute that is reached by each side making concessions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just as a brief note: in this verse, due to the fact that omega males can give birth and alpha females can impregnate others, ‘mother’ and ‘father’ are not gendered terms, but rather refer to which parent carried the baby and which one, uh, didn't

_Six Years Earlier_

 

Kuroo Tetsurou was more in love than he had ever dared believe he could be. 

Tsukishima Kei was the most stubborn omega he had ever met, and the coldest and least interested in romance, and he’d had to compete with several other alphas for his attention at first. 

But he was witty, and beautiful, and the most intelligent person that Kuroo had ever met. Sitting on the metro at rush hour- he had only just managed to grab a seat- the only thing that kept Kuroo sane among the cramped, loud commuters was thinking about his omega. He would be sitting at home now, in the apartment that they had decorated together (which meant that Tsukishima had picked out tasteful art pieces for Kuroo to nail to the walls) quietly tapping away at his laptop with delicate fingers, or studying for his masters’ thesis, or highlighting poetry in a battered paperback. Maybe he’d be cooking, if he decided not to get take out that night, a record of foreign indie rock rotating on the bright blue turntable that Kuroo had bought him for his last birthday. In his minds’ eye he could see him, his head bent gently over the stove; the silvery scar of his bond mark where it rested over his scent gland and had done so for more than a year.

Kuroo loved him, so deeply sometimes that it was painful. He thought a year was more than long enough to wait.

Normally, he headed home the instant that he was done with work- nothing would keep him away from his mate for longer than was absolutely necessary. But today he’d warned Tsukishima that he’d be late home, since he was taking a quick detour to drop by and visit his mother and stepfather, and catch up with his sisters a little. He’d had a lie prepared to dissuade Tsukishima if he asked to come along, but his mate had just quietly murmured that he’d be glad for the alone time. 

Kuroo was relieved. He didn’t want to tell Tsukishima the real reason that he was stopping by his childhood home. 

The ring felt like it was going to burn a hole in his pocket where he’d tucked it safely away. It had belonged to his grandmother when she was alive, a simple silver band with a pearl set into it in among a circle of tiny diamonds. It was simple and elegant with a history behind it, the kind of thing that, if Kuroo knew him at all, Tsukishima was sure to love.

The thought of getting down on one knee and presenting the ring to him made Kuroo’s heart skip beats in his chest. He’d already planned it; how he’d take him to the cafe he loved that served what the omega claimed to be the best shortcake in Tokyo, and then to the museum to propose to him in the fossil exhibit. It was a pretty, classy place- he was sure Tsukishima would love that as much as he’d love the ring.

Kuroo just loved _Kei_. He wanted to marry his omega. 

Even with having to fight through rush hour, Kuroo practically skipped off of the train when it reached his stop. There was a spring in his step the whole way home, a wide smile on his face as he occasionally slipped his hand into his pocket to feel the velvety box that the ring was hidden away inside. He forced himself to relax once he was standing in front of the door to his and Tsukishima’s apartment, however- if everything went to plan, the proposal would be a complete surprise. He didn’t want to do anything to make him suspicious that something was going on.

Kuroo opened the front door, and was immediately assaulted by the strong scent of an omega in distress. 

Instantly, he closed the door behind him as he stepped into the apartment, his eyes taking stock of the sight inside. Everything was in it’s proper place, and he couldn’t pick up on the scent of any unfamiliar alphas or betas, or anything else that might have upset Tsukishima. His fingers tightened on the door handle as he grit his teeth, his own scent strengthening in a territorial display as his instincts screamed at him to protect what was his. 

Then he caught sight of Tsukishima.

The omega was standing behind the sofa, in the middle of the small strip of flooring that he’d paced relentlessly up and down while he was stressing over his final few weeks of undergrad several months ago. Kuroo assumed he’d been pacing before he came home, but he wasn’t now; his pale hands were up, covering his face and his slender shoulders delicately shook.

Kuroo had started courting Tsukishina almost the moment that he started his first year of university, and the omega had accepted him just as fast. Effectively, they had been a couple for three years. In all of that time, Kuroo had never once seen his omega cry. 

Tsukishina was crying now. He did it mostly silently, just sniffling and gasping quietly, but there were shining tear tracks on his cheeks.

Tsukishina was _crying_. Kuroo couldn’t reconcile it with the image of the omega that he knew and loved. Tsukishina _never_ cried. 

“Tsukishina,” Kuroo breathed, immediately dropping his bag and kicking off his shoes. He hurried over to his mate, pulling him into his arms without a second thought and running his fingers reassuringly through his blond hair. Tsukishima just hid his face in the crook of his neck, breathing in his scent as he softly trembled against him. “Baby, what is it- what happened, what’s wrong?” He could hear his own voice growing higher and more desperate as his heart beat unevenly in his chest. Every second that he didn’t know what had happened to him just made Kuroo more and more afraid of what it could have been.

He had never seen Tsukishima like this before. 

The silence seemed to stretch on forever as Tsukishima took few long moments to collect himself, enough that he could breathe through his quiet, hitching sobs as he lifted his head to look Kuroo in the eyes.

“I’m pregnant.” 

Kuroo’s first thought was something alone the lines of, _well, I suppose that hormones would explain the tears_.

His second thought was _holy shit_. 

“Pregnant.” He repeated, slowly. The idea of it shook something in him deeply, right to the core. “But- Kei, you’re on the pill.”

Pointing that out made the omega put his hands to his face to muffle another soft, gasping sob.

“I missed one.” He replied, his voice tiny with shame and muffled by his fingers so that Kuroo had to strain to actually hear what he was saying at all. “I just realised last week- I was due to start a new pack but there was still one left, I _missed one_.”

_Last week_. How long had Tsukishima known about this? His heat had been six weeks ago, Kuroo realised. If he’d been feeling unsteady before, the idea that his mate could have been carrying his child for _six weeks_ and he hadn’t even realised anything had changed made it even worse.

“Maybe…” Kuroo had to pause so that he could swallow hard before he spoke again. “Maybe you’re not pregnant. Just ‘cause you missed a pill, that doesn’t mean-”

“I am.” Tsukishima cut him off with a quick, hasty shake of his head; wrapping his arms tightly around himself and pressing his lips together in a tight line. “I’ve been, fucking- puking, all week, craving weird shit and eating too much of it, my _scent_ is changing-” He fell quiet for a moment, taking a deep breath that made him tremble with the force of it when he exhaled. “And I took a test, a couple of hours ago. I’m pregnant, Tetsurou.”

“Jesus.” Kuroo breathed. He lifted his head to look at Tsukishima, then; really look at him. But he still couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary, disregarding the tear tracks on his face. He couldn’t reconcile this situation with reality.

“Your scent,” He repeated after the silence had stretched on just a little too long, licking his lips slowly. “Can I…?”

Tsukishima looked at him hesitantly for a moment, before he nodded. He let his head loll to the side slightly, exposing his neck and the scent gland there, scarred with Kuroo’s mating bite. Normally, his pulse would have jumped at such a submissive gesture, but now was far from the time. 

He wrapped Tsukishima into his arms, touching him more gently than he’d ever done before. His omega was so thin that it made him seem fragile, but this was the first time that Kuroo felt as if that were _true_. His hands were delicate as they smoothed comfortingly down Tsukishima’s back, wrapping around his slender waist. He wanted to figure this out, but he _needed_ to make Tsukishima feel better, or at the very least more secure. His heart broke to see his mate upset.

He buried his face in the crook of Tsukishima’s shoulder, turning his head to the side to kiss his neck softly. Then he inhaled, taking in his scent. 

Just standing around their apartment with him, nothing really seemed to have changed: Tsukishima smelled like strawberries and typical omega sweetness, the same way that he always did.

Up close, when Kuroo was _looking_ for a change, it was a different story. There was a marked difference in Tsukishima’s scent. He couldn’t put his finger on what, exactly, it was, and he wasn’t sure he would have noticed it at all if he wasn’t so familiar with how his mate smelled. But it was there, and the back of Kuroo’s mind where his most primal and animalistic alpha instincts dwelled told him that it meant _pregnant_. 

“Kei,” He breathed out, taking a step back from his mate so that he could look at him. Tsukishima’s face was still streaked with tears, but Kuroo felt heady from the scent of him, even sweeter now than it had been before. “You’re pregnant.” He echoed, as if it hadn’t been the omega who told him that in the first place. He cupped the blond’s face gently in his hands and leaned in to kiss him, tasting salt on his lips. Tsukishima’s breath hitched, before he hesitantly returned the kiss.

Kuroo pulled away from him after a moment with a parting peck to the cheek before he fell to his knees, ignoring the startled noise that Tsukishima made in response to that. He rested his hands gently on his hips, the way he did so often, before sliding his hands around and pushing them up underneath the hem of the jumper he was wearing, watching as Tsukishima’s pale skin was exposed. He didn’t expect to see any change this early, and the omega’s stomach was still as flat and soft as ever, but Kuroo still leaned in to press his lips against him with a silly, fond smile.

He’d always wanted kids.

The idea that Tsukishima was carrying his child appealed to his alpha instincts, the ones that drove him wild whenever his mate was in heat and demanded that he fuck him and fill him, his whole mind blanked out by the all-consuming desire to see Tsukishima fat with his pups. He would have expected that animal part of himself to be shouting loud now, but that wasn’t the case. Kuroo was happy just as himself, because _he_ loved the idea of having children with Tsukishima and now it was happening. His mate was pregnant. There was something almost reverent in his gaze as he gently touched his stomach, hardly able to believe that their child was growing inside.

“Kei,” Kuroo said again, his voice muffled since his lips were still pressed against the omega’s skin. He looked up at him, meeting Tsukishima’s shiny golden eyes with a small, helpless smile as he gave his slender hips a reassuring squeeze. “Everything’s going to be okay, yeah? I promise. I’m going to be there for you- the both of you.”

Tsukishima still looked dubious as he gazed down at the alpha, his lower lip red and slightly swollen where he must have been chewing on it all day in worry. His hands twisted anxiously in front of himself, before he slowly lowered them to tangle in Kuroo’s hair, stroking through the black strands to reassure himself. 

“Okay.” He breathed out, before offering Kuroo what was potentially the shakiest smile that he had seen in his life so far. It _was_ still a smile, though, and that at least made him feel somewhat better. He rose up from where he had knelt on the floor to kiss Tsukishima again, pulling him into his arms once more. The omega clung to him tightly, but his shaking had at least calmed a little. He felt like such a fragile thing in his hands, and it filled him with fierce desire to protect his mate. He’d have torn apart anyone who tried to hurt Tsukishima.

_My mate is carrying my child. I have to keep them safe, both of them_.

As much as the alpha inside of him was growling and snapping it’s teeth defensively, Kuroo couldn’t help but grin as he pressed a kiss to Tsukishima’s cheek.

“Kei, we’re having a _baby_.” He laughed, squeezing him tightly for a moment. “Oh my god.”

“Yeah.” The omega’s voice was soft and hollow, but Kuroo didn’t seem to notice. He stole another quick kiss before stepping back from him, clapping his hands together. 

“I’ll cook tonight, you don’t need the extra stress- no, we can order in. What do you want to eat?”

“I’m not really very hungry…” Once Kuroo had released him, Tsukishima wrapped his arms around himself in a tight hug for a small and pitiful creature. 

“Right! Hormones and stuff? Or morning sickness- have you been having morning sickness?” Thinking back, of course Tsukishima had been looking peaky over the past few days- god, Kuroo should have _noticed_ all of this.

It didn’t matter. He would make up for the time that he’d lost.

“I’ll make us something light.” He assured him, hastily making his way over to the kitchenette in one corner of their apartment. Tsukishima half collapsed onto the couch, trying to curl up on himself even more than he already had; his golden eyes fixed on Kuroo. 

The alpha babbled as he cooked, shaking and exhilarated, babbling happily about everything they would need to do now, booking doctor’s appointments and picking out nursery colours, figuring out the best way to tell all their friends and would Kei’s parents be okay with this, them having a kid out of wedlock? 

Tsukishima answered next to nothing, just occasionally humming or shaking his head. He only picked at his food when Kuroo served it to him, avoiding the alpha’s eyes whenever he tried to catch his gaze and beam at him.

Shamefully, Kuroo didn’t notice a single thing amiss about his behaviour. His mate was going to have his children, and his joy was so bright that it outshone any hint of doubt about how Tsukishima might feel, about how young and unequipped to handle a baby that they might have been. The baby was there now, and it was all that he had room within himself to care about. 

He kissed Tsukishima’s cheek affectionately once he’d finished washing the dishes after their dinner, sliding his hand down the side of his neck and feeling the raised scar of his bond mark. 

“You wanna watch a movie?” He offered sweetly, before his smile widened. His hand slid down from Tsukishima’s neck to his stomach, and he hid his grin against his shoulder. “Or we could talk about the baby.”

“I just want to go to bed.” 

Kuroo took that blunt response in stride, nodding his head once before he kissed his mate again.

“Tired, baby?”

There was a long beat of silence before Tsukishima replied.

“Yeah.” He sighed, and then disentangled himself from Kuroo’s arms and disappeared into their bedrooms. 

Kuroo let him go. Admittedly, he himself was still shaken from the revelation of his mate’s pregnancy. He couldn’t imagine what it was like for Tsukishima, even if he’d had several more hours to get used to the idea. Their baby was growing inside of him. He lingered in the living room, tidying up and taking on Tsukishima’s half of all their little nighttime rituals, checking the stove and the lock on the door and switching out the lights. 

By the time he joined his mate in their bedroom, Tsukishima was already in bed; curled up beneath the sheets with the lights out, just a mop of blond hair above the blankets. Kuroo undressed in the dark as quietly as he could before he slid into bed behind him, pressing his chest against the omega’s bare back. He slid a hand over his ribs to rest on his hip, listening to the sound of his breathing. It was too irregular for the omega to have been asleep, so Kuroo leaned in to press his lips against his neck; trailing languid kisses over his skin as he slid his hand around to his stomach and down, teasingly skirting his fingers over his thighs and creeping ever closer to his crotch.

“Not tonight, Tetsu.”

Kuroo froze for a moment before he once again withdrew, his hands feeling cold without his mate wrapped in his arms.

“Okay.” He murmured, pressing a final kiss against Tsukishima’s shoulder. “You need your sleep anyway. Goodnight, Kei.”

Tsukishima didn’t reply.

 

***

 

When Kuroo woke the next morning, the bed was empty.

This wasn’t an entirely unusual occurrence. Tsukishima had been a restless sleeper for as long as he’d known him, and some of his classes were obscenely early. But it still made Kuroo frown when his fingers curled against the rumpled sheets instead of his omega’s skin, and he glanced blearily around the room as if expecting to see Tsukishima hiding somewhere. It was a Saturday- Tsukishima promised not to study on Saturdays, so they could spend the time Kuroo had off work together. 

His glasses were gone from the nightstand on his side of the bed.

Kuroo threw back the blankets and got up, tugging on the first t-shirt he laid his hands on and padding barefoot into the living room. The sun shining in through the glass windows on one wall suggested it was later in the day than he’d thought- Tsukishima had allowed him to sleep in. That _was_ an unusual occurrence. 

At least he didn’t have to look far to find him. Tsukishima was sitting on the couch, dressed impeccably in a shirt and cardigan with his glasses perched on his nose. He leaned over the end table, scribbling on the notepad that they kept by the phone he had cradled to his ear, speaking in a low voice.

Kuroo went quiet and still so as not to disturb whatever he was doing, but Tsukishima noticed him anyway. His golden eyes widened a fraction, and he dropped the pen.

“Okay- I have to go, now. Thank you for your help. Yes. Goodbye.” The omega hung up hastily, dropping the phone like it had burned him before he turned to look at Kuroo, his brow furrowed faintly. “I thought you were still asleep.” He said it accusingly, as if Kuroo had done something wrong by walking around his own home. 

“It’s…” Kuroo glanced at the clock on the stove. “Eleven in the morning. I wasn’t going to sleep for the whole day.”

He looked at Tsukishima; he noticed, as he always did, the bond mark on his throat that made his heart swell with pride and affection. Then the memories from last night came flooding back, and a wide grin spread across Kuroo’s face.

Tsukishima was _pregnant_. He was going to have Kuroo’s pups.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get up earlier.” The alpha chirped, practically skipping around to join Tsukishima on the couch. He wrapped his arms around the omega’s shoulder, cuddling up against his side and failing to notice how unusually still he was beneath him. “Have you been okay?”

“I’ve been puking, actually.” Tsukishima said icily. “I only stopped a little while ago.”

Kuroo’s face fell immediately, and he pressed a soft kiss against the omega’s scent gland. He waited to feel him sigh and sink into him like always, but when it didn’t happen, he just pressed on.

“I really am sorry, then. I should be looking after you better. Especially now that you’re carrying my pup.” He stroked Tsukishima’s hand gently. When the omega didn’t respond to him at all, he asked, “Was that Akiteru on the phone? We’ve got a lot of people to give news to.”

There was a pause before Tsukishima replied. He drew his hands into his lap, his fingers anxiously fidgeting there. 

“No.” He replied softly. “I already told Akiteru, yesterday. I needed to talk to somebody about it who wasn’t the one that put this thing in me.”

Kuroo laughed slightly at Tsukishima’s unconventional phrasing, before he nodded. 

“I understand.” He didn’t, but he also wasn’t the one out of the pair of them who was pregnant. It would have been ridiculous to pretend that he could understand what Tsukishima was thinking and feeling right then, even without hormones making everything even more of a mess. “Yamaguchi, then?” Was his next guess.

Tsukishima shook his head, such a small and minute movement that Kuroo almost missed it entirely. 

The alpha’s brow, finally, furrowed. He couldn’t think of anyone else Tsukishima was close enough to that he would want to tell them this early. His parents, maybe, but no- there was no way he would tell them over the phone, without Kuroo’s support. They were traditionalists and didn’t like Kuroo or Tsukishima’s decision to mate with him as it was, and that would only get worse when they found out their son was pregnant. Maybe the phone call hadn’t been about the baby at all, but Tsukishima _never_ voluntarily used the phone; him being pregnant was the only thing Kuroo could think of that might have changed that.

“Who were you talking to, then?”

Tsukishima was silent for what felt like a very long time. He was still fidgeting, his fingers tracing the same paths on the back of his hand over and over and over. They’d lived together for a while now- Kuroo recognised the gesture of self-comfort when his mate was anxious. He was so deeply entrenched in routine and ritual, so easily disturbed when something was put out of place.

For the first time, the alpha felt a flicker of doubt douse the joyful fires in his chest. 

“I booked an abortion.” Tsukishima replied finally, sitting back against the couch and crossing his arms over his chest, sinking in on himself. “It’s next Saturday.”

Kuroo felt like the air had been taken froths lungs. 

He sat back, pulling away from his mate and dragging his fingers through his hair, exhaling in a shaky sigh. He’d only been given a few hours to get used to the idea that he was going to be a father, but he had latched onto it more eagerly than anything else before. He’d _always_ wanted children. Perhaps he hadn’t planned to have them be an accident, this early in his life. But the moment Tsukishima had confessed to him, Kuroo had considered their baby a gift.  
And he loved them. Already, from the moment he’d knelt and touched them through his mate’s skin. The thought that they would exist only for a week longer, that he would never get to meet them, to hold his child, made something in him ache. 

“I don’t understand.” The alpha’s voice was quiet, trembling, and it was a _lie_.

They had discussed children before. Never seriously, because Tsukishima had made it abundantly clear that it never needed to be a serious discussion. Every offhanded comment or joke Kuroo made about the sweetness of children, about raising a family, was either steadfastly ignored or treated to a noise of glorious disdain- and the omega was never quiet about how much he disliked children. Sticky, loud, annoying, _creatures_ ; he had no end of derisive ways to talk about them. Nothing against them, Tsukishima had always assured, they just weren’t for him. He didn’t know how to be around them, and he was utterly lacking in any kind of omegan maternal instinct.

They’d talked about having children once, and only once. It had been a few days before Tsukishima’s first heat since they’d moved in together. Kuroo had come home to their bedroom in disarray, Tsukishima having dragged their mattress off the bed and into the overly-spacious closet to build up a nest of blankets and pillows that would let him feel safe while he was in heat. Used to the sight by now after so many heats together, Kuroo had immediately joined him; holding him and stroking his hair while they watched a documentary about sharks on Tsukishima’s tablet. 

He remembered it with painful clarity.

It was stupid, looking back. But the sharks on the screen had been raising their pups and Kuroo had mentioned, offhandedly, that now they had a home together they were only a few life steps away from having children together. 

It hadn’t taken two heartbeats for Tsukishima to shoot him down, disgust evident in every cutting word he spoke.

Kuroo had left it at that. He wanted a family, but he loved Tsukishima more than anything. He was content to forgo children if it meant that he could keep his mate.

Hearing that the omega was pregnant had given him hope that he could have both, but it was a fool’s thought. He should have seen this coming. But he hadn’t, and it stung.

“I don’t understand.” Kuroo repeated, raking his fingers through his hair. He did but he didn’t want to. “Why would you- you _can’t_.” His voice cracked on the word, weak and betrayed and broken. “Kei, this is our _baby_. How can you just…”

“Easily.” Tsukishima said it too fast, but his voice was icy. His fingers curled against his thighs, nails digging into his palms. “You know I don’t want kids, Kuroo. I never have.” There was a pleading edge to his voice that cut deeply into Kuroo, even through the throbbing hurt that had been in his chest since Tsukishima told him what he’d done. 

Tsukishima lifted trembling hands to his face, hiding his eyes as he spoke.

“I don’t want to be a mother.” He whispered. “I can’t do it. Especially not _now_ , Tetsu- I _just_ started my masters degrees, we’re barely used to living together- we don’t have enough money for a baby.” He took a deep breath. “And I just don’t want one. That should be enough.”

Kuroo hated it. He hated it, because he _knew_ all of this. But he had thought it would be different; Tsukishima not wanting children in the abstract was different to not wanting a baby that already existed, or was beginning to exist, inside of him. He knew he would never decide to have children, but he had never dreamed he’d terminate any pregnancy that did happen, either. 

He must have been silent and despondent for a long time, because Tsukishima uncurled enough to touch his shoulder gently.

“Tetsu,” He murmured, plaintive. “Please say something. I’m sorry- I really am. I know that… I saw last night, how happy you seemed about this. But I can’t do it.”

Kuroo flexed his fingers uselessly, staring down at them in his lap. He heard Tsukishima’s voice as if it came from far away. Tsukishima was so good at analysing things logically; he would have known that it was Kuroo’s alpha instincts making him so protective of his unborn pup, that the drive to keep them safe was biology more than true attachment. He couldn’t be attached to something that wasn’t even real yet, Tsukishima would have said, that Kuroo had only even known about for a handful of hours.

But that didn’t change how he _felt_. It didn’t change the fact that his stomach turned at the thought of their baby being killed, of _Tsukishima_ doing that. There was nothing he could think of that was more awful.

Then he looked up and saw the desperate distress on Tsukishima’s face. Silent, he watched as his golden eyes grew shiny and he drew a hitching breath, covering his face again when he started to sob for the second time in two days.

Kuroo’s reaction was instant. He reached out and pulling Tsukishima into his lap, bundling him up in his arms and rocking him gently as he pressed reassuring kisses to the top of his hair.

“Shh,” He murmured. “Kei, it’s okay. I promised- I still promise. It’ll be okay.”

He was mistaken. There _were_ worse things than losing his pup. 

He wanted Tsukishima to be safe and happy more than he had ever wanted anything else in the world. The mark that he’d bitten into his neck was a promise to protect him, and Kuroo refused to abandon that now.

“…Just tell me what you need.” He told his mate, swallowing hard and speaking past the lump that rose in his throat. He kept his tears back- he’d save them for tonight, when he had a moment to himself. For now, everything had to be about Tsukishima. He couldn’t stand to hear his tiny, weak sobs, like he had forgotten how to cry after being so strong by himself for so long.

“I’m your alpha, Kei.” He reminds him gently, speaking soothingly. “I just want to make you happy. I’d do anything for that- just tell me what you need.”

It took a while for Tsukishima to stop crying, but when he looked up at Kuroo once he had there was trust in his eyes. 

That trust meant the world to him.

“You need to give me permission.” Tsukishima explained quietly. “They won’t do it if you don’t. And you need to be there, so that they knew I have someone to take me home, since I’ll be… out of it, I guess. Afterwards.”

Kuroo didn’t want to think about it. He didn’t want to think about what was going to be done to Tsukishima to make him like that, didn’t want to consider the idea of his mate not being pregnant anymore. He pushed those thoughts aside but felt his chest fracture anyway, each breath a new needle stab between his ribs.

“Of course.” He assured the omega, nodding his head as he cradled him in his arms. “I would never make you do it alone.” He stroked his cheek gently, hiding his face against his hair. “I love you so much, Kei.”

Kuroo thought that he must have heard the sob that threatened to choke his voice, because he didn’t even hesitate to reply, “I love you too, Tetsurou.”

 

***

 

The next week passed as if it were a dream.

When Kuroo was taking exams in his last year of high school, he used to have stress nightmares about running in the park near his house, training like he usually did. But no matter how fast he ran, he couldn’t move. The ground never changed beneath him, the air thick and cloying until he could barely even breathe, let alone run through it; like being trapped underwater, under ice. 

This week felt like that. It had the same dreamlike quality, the sense of being stuck. The unreality of it all- Kuroo couldn’t believe that this was happening to him. 

Every day was the same routine he’d always had, but now it felt like a burden. The days weighed heavy on his shoulders. Work was fine, but the commute to and from his apartment seemed endless, time trapped alone with his thoughts. He felt like a ghost in his own home, watching Tsukishima move from the couch to the kitchen to their bedroom in the same endless circuit. They talked, he was sure, but never about the baby. It was too painful for Kuroo to acknowledge, and Tsukishima refused to. 

At least not to Kuroo. He heard him sometimes on the phone, in the bathroom, speaking quietly under the roar of the shower. The words found his ears in hushed whispers, phrases taken from the nightmare his life had turned into.

“I _hate_ it, Aki… I feel like we haven’t spoken… won’t touch me, he doesn’t kiss back… because of this _thing_ inside me… growing between us… like a cancer, it’s awful… I just want it gone… no, I’m not overreacting, you could never understand…”

Kuroo didn’t understand it either. He didn’t understand why Tsukishima would talk to Akiteru but not to him, or why he was feeling the way he was in the first place. _If I was a better person_ , he thought to himself, _I would try to understand what he feels like. What it must be like to have something that you hate so much growing inside of you_. It would feel like the worst kind of violation, he thought. No wonder Tsukishima yearned for the abortion scheduled at the weekend, regaining control over his own body.

But when Kuroo thought about his mate’s pregnancy all he could think of was a child of indeterminable gender, modelled after the childhood pictures he’d seen at Tsukishima’s family home, golden curls and a gap-toothed smile. He loved them so much, that placeholder pup. He couldn’t understand how Tsukishima could hate this thing that they had made together, that was their blood.

Their _baby_.

Tsukishima had made him promise not to tell anyone, and he hated him for it. Akiteru knew, Yamaguchi knew; Tsukishima reached out to them for the support he had decided he couldn’t get from Kuroo. But Kuroo had no one. He was alone, lips sealed because the secret wasn’t his.

Not totally alone, perhaps. 

Tsukishima was beautiful when he slept, the harsh lines of his perpetual scowl worn away from his face by the moonlight that fell over his pale skin. As he did every night, he had fallen asleep with his arms wrapped around Kuroo’s, one thigh pressed between his, unable to sleep if he wasn’t holding onto something. When Kuroo withdrew, the omega made a small noise and rolled onto his back, one hand splayed across the pillow beside his head and the other resting on the mattress.

Kuroo moved slowly, so as not to wake him. The t-shirt that Tsukishima was wearing was Kuroo’s, and he lifted the hem gently to bare the flat skin of his stomach. He knew the omega was feeling the effects of the pregnancy, emotional and sick on the mornings, but the only thing that had changed outwardly was his scent. 

Kuroo still moved his hand to touch his stomach gently, letting out a shaky sigh and closing his eyes for a moment. He didn’t want to cry, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to help it. Tsukishima would have said that it wasn’t a baby, not yet, just a cluster of dividing cells, and he would have been right. But Kuroo _wanted_ and _loved_ the _possibility_ of their baby so fiercely, and he would have done anything to protect them.

“I wish I could meet you.” He mumbled, bowing his head to press a kiss against Tsukishima’s bare skin. 

He drew back when Tsukishima started to stir, carefully replacing his shirt to hide the quiet moment of weakness that he had allowed himself.

Kuroo slept on the couch that night, the grey throw from the end of their bed thrown over his bed and his head resting on stolen pillows. He woke to Tsukishima’s hand on his shoulder, shaking him gently awake. 

“Tetsurou,” He said, his voice oddly sweet and calm for the omega who was usually so sour. “You need to wake up. We have to be at the clinic.”

Kuroo blinked, bleary and exhausted. _Saturday already?_ He thought vaguely, but of course it was already Saturday. Just because it hadn’t felt like time was passing, that didn’t mean the world stopped turning. The seven days during which Kuroo had been allowed to come close to the idea of being a father were up.

“Yeah.” He mumbled, rubbing a sleepy hand over his eyes. “Shit. Sorry.”

“It’s fine. We’re not late.” Kuroo could see the guilt in Tsukishima’s eyes as he turned away, and he wondered if it was because of what he was about to do or just because he had slept on the couch.

He dressed in a daze, the fog that had been clouding his mind for the past week even heavier now than it had been before. When he stumbled out of the bedroom to find his shoes, Tsukishima was standing by the couch, his head bowed and eyes on the floor, hands clasped in front of him. Kuroo stopped, giving him a vaguely quizzical look.

“I’m so sorry, Tetsu.” Tsukishima’s voice was high and breathy again. In all the years they’d been together, he’d never heard it until a week ago, but now he recognised it meant that his omega was about to cry. His fingers twitched with the want to draw him into his arms, but he had no energy left with which to do it. 

“I really am.” He added, looking up at Kuroo with swimming eyes. “You’ve been… perfect. I know- I _know_ you don’t want to do this, but you’re being so good about it anyway.” He rubbed his eyes beneath his glasses, his breath hitching in his throat. “I wish I didn’t have to do this to you, I just… I can’t. I can’t be pregnant and I can’t have a baby. I just hate that it’s hurting you.”

“It’s…” Kuroo wanted to say _okay_ , but the lie wouldn’t come. He wasn’t sure it would ever be. Tsukishima’s body was his own and he wouldn’t dare infringe on his autonomy, his choice. He didn’t even believe that he had a right to ask Tsukishima to consider another option. All he could do was sit with this horrible decision he hadn’t even made weighing on his shoulders, festering in his stomach. 

It must have shown on his face, because Tsukishima flinched slightly; drawing his arms closer around himself and swallowing hard. Kuroo could hold his tongue, but he couldn’t pretend to be fine with this.

“I’m sorry.” The omega said again, defeated, and fidgeted awkwardly with the hem of his hoodie. He looked more ragtag than Kuroo had ever seen him in loose jeans and an old, oversized hoodie that he was sure was actually his own. “I want to ask, if…” He swallowed hard. “If you wanted to say goodbye or something, I guess. I know you care about it a lot more than I do.”

The offer surprised Kuroo with its kindness, and he blinked before quickly nodding his head.

“Yeah, actually.” He swallowed hard. “I’d… really like that.”

Tsukishima nodded once, before he moved to sit down on the couch, shuffling along to make room there for Kuroo. Kuroo took his seat beside him, faltering and hesitant until Tsukishima sat back a little. He didn’t say anything, but he nodded; a silent encouragement for him to go on. He reached out to touch Tsukishima’s stomach, sliding his hands beneath his cardigan but not untucking his shirt- he knew his mate didn’t understand his grief, and he was incredibly grateful for even just this small concession. He didn’t want to overstep. 

“God.” Kuroo breathed, very softly. Even with nothing to feel yet, he was breathless with the idea that he could almost touch his baby through Tsukishima’s skin. It felt even more special with the omega acknowledging it, too. He could feel his eyes on him, one hand absently stroking his dark hair as Kuroo spoke in a gentle murmur. 

“Hi, baby.” He let out a breathy little laugh, stroking his thumb across Tsukishima’s skin through the fabric of his shirt. “I can’t… imagine how tiny you still are. It’s weird.”

“Blueberry.” Tsukishima murmured, and when Kuroo looked up at him in confusion, he explained. “Seven weeks now, so it’s about the size of a blueberry. I googled it.”

Something leapt in Kuroo’s throat at the thought of that, Tsukishima having enough of even a passing interest in their child to google things about pregnancy, but he forced it down and buried it. It was only a matter of hours until Tsukishima wasn’t pregnant anymore- none of it should have mattered. It would only hurt more if he let it. His mate’s mind had been unfathomable for the past week, but Kuroo didn’t dare believe he was having second thoughts. 

“Okay.” He laughed softly, his gaze drifting back down to Tsukishima’s belly. “A blueberry. That’s still crazy.” He paused a moment. “I wish you would get bigger. I love you, y’know, even if you are tiny… and I’m really sorry that I won’t ever get to meet you.” His breath hitched around the sudden lump in his throat, eyes stinging. “Fuck- I hate it. But,” He drew a deep breath. “I love your mommy more than anything else in the world. And I could never make him do anything that he didn’t want to do. So this is… what has to happen. But I’ll miss you, all the time, for the rest of my life.” He promised quietly.

When he looked back at Tsukishima, the expression on his face was impossible to decipher. He stood up without giving Kuroo time to pull his hands away, letting out a shaky exhale as he headed towards the door of their apartment. He refused to meet his eyes. 

“Let’s just get this over with, Tetsurou.”

The metro ride to the clinic was the longest of Kuroo’s life, and the most silent. Grateful for the low amount of traffic at this time of day, Tsukishima had sunk down miserably in the seat he’d claimed for his own, glancing around furtively like the strangers surrounding them might be able to divine what he was about to do. Kuroo was torn between wishing he wouldn’t feel ashamed, and thinking that perhaps he deserved to.

It was a horrible thought; but he felt horrible. 

The walk from the metro station to the clinic felt uncomfortably far. There was still an impenetrable silence between them, but Tsukishima reached over to link their fingers together, his eyes downcast on the ground. 

The clinic, when they walked through the doors, felt incredibly sterile; everything white and clean and laid out perfectly, people sitting waiting in chairs and reading leaflets and magazines. Tsukishima pulled ahead, speaking in hushed tones to the beta receptionist who produced forms for him to sign. He beckoned Kuroo over, but only to sign on the dotted line that confirmed the father had given permission for a termination to be performed.

“Do you want me to come in with you?” Kuroo asked softly, while he was there, but Tsukishima shook his head. 

“No.” He replied softly. “Just wait outside. I don’t want you- _anyone_ \- with me. I just need to do it by myself.”

Kuroo nodded in understanding, privately relieved and grateful- he didn’t want to be there while it happened, either. 

They walked together to a set of chairs in one corner, sitting down in silence. Tsukishima just kept fidgeting, glancing around the room furtively; everywhere but Kuroo’s eyes until the moment that his name was called and he disappeared into one of the clinic rooms.

Kuroo leaned back in his chair, exhaling heavily. He was alone now, and he needed- something. Anything to distract him, because he could _not_ think about what was happening. He wouldn’t have been able to survive it. It felt like a dream again, the stress nightmare from high school. He was still in the chair, not moving, but his heard pounded as if he had been running for miles. The ticking of the clock was an earthquake in his bones, threatening a migraine. 

“Tetsurou.”

When Tsukishima touched his shoulder, he nearly jumped out of his skin. Confusion furrowed his brow as he looked up to meet the omega’s teary eyes, wondering how so much time had passed by without his notice. Surely it couldn’t be cover already? His heart thumped in his chest, already beginning to break for his lost child.

“Kei.” He breathed out as he said it, the omega’s name coming to him as easily as oxygen. “Are you okay?” He asked, reaching out to him.

Tsukishima shook his head. He grabbed Kuroo’s hands, but only so that he could haul him up from the chair. 

“We’re leaving.” His voice was firmer than it had been all week, that tone of his that left no room for argument. Glancing at the clock, Kuroo saw that Tsukishima had only been in the room for a little under the minutes. He tried to ask him what was going on, but his mate was refusing to even meet his eyes, let alone give him a straight answer. It was the same as they walked out of the clinic, Tsukishima not glancing back even once, and back to the metro station. Kuroo didn’t dare ask about it in such a crowded, public place as the train home, and his head was swirling with questions.

Once they were home again, Kuroo grabbed Tsukishima’s wrist before he could try to escape. He lead him over to the couch and made him sit down, confusion written in every line of his face.

“What the fuck, Kei?” His voice broke on the words, and he hated how harsh they sounded but there was nothing that he could have done to control it. “What’s going on?”  
Tsukishima wrenched his hands away from Kuroo, curling in on himself and hugging his knees. 

“I couldn’t do it.” He spat, so viciously that Kuroo actually flinched despite not thinking that it was even directed at him. “I couldn’t get the fucking abortion.” He hid his face, while Kuroo just stared and stared and stared, his mouth open.

For a moment, he was almost angry. He had been killing himself this whole week, wretched with the thought that he would lose his child, and now- now Tsukishima hadn’t even done it? Now he was going to be in limbo for even longer, the omega toying with his heart instead of just breaking it? But he forced that feeling down. His mate was shaking and distressed, and Kuroo wanted to protect him even more than he did their baby. He joined him on the couch, wrapping his arms around Tsukishima. He thrashed in his grip for a moment, trying to pull away, but Kuroo just hushed him and pressed a kiss to his bond mark, letting his scent and his presence calm his omega down. 

“Kei,” He said finally, once the trembling had stopped. “You can’t… you have to explain. I don’t understand anything, and this was killing me even when I _did_ know what was going on. What happened?”

“I just couldn’t do it.” Tsukishima replied, quiet and wretched. “I got into that room, and they were explaining everything, and…” He drew a deep breath, raising his head to look at Kuroo. “I just kept thinking that this thing that was alive inside of me wouldn’t be anymore, and it just felt- _wrong_. I know it’s my body and my choice and the fucking thing isn’t even _alive_ but I still couldn’t… do that to it. To something that I was supposed to love.”

He paused, for a very long time.

“Maybe I’d have been able to get over that. I’m good at- ignoring my feelings for the sake of logic, and I _know_ it’s not _logical_ to keep this kid.” He glanced up at his mate. “But I just kept thinking of you. The way you touched my stomach, kissed it, how you spoke to the baby. You were just so…gentle, and kind. And you’ve always been that to me, too.” His eyes flickered away to stare at a wall instead, blank and miserable. “So I couldn’t do that to you, in the end. You love your goddamn baby, and I couldn’t bear to take that away from you. I know you’ll argue with me, but I know I’m right anyway: you’d have hated me for it. And I couldn’t stand it if you hated me. I love you too much.” His voice cracked, and he stopped talking abruptly before he could begin to cry again. Evennow, he was so reluctant to show weakness. 

Kuroo was silent for the space of several heart beats, before he swallowed his doubt and dared for the first time to begin to hope.

“Does that mean you're going to keep the baby?”

“No.” Tsukishima replied immediately, with a sharp shake of his head. “No- I still can’t do that.”

Kuroo’s brow furrowed.

“You won’t keep it. You can’t abort it. What _are_ you going to do, Kei?” Once again, there was the anger. Kuroo had no say over this, but he could still be irritated. He cared about this more than the omega did- it was his feelings that were being muddled around by his indecision.

“I don’t know.” Tsukishima shifted back from Kuroo, standing up to head off to their bedroom alone. “I just don’t know. I guess I’ll figure something out.”

 

***

 

It wasn’t like a dream anymore, after that; rather, it was like walking around eggshells. Kuroo didn’t know what he could do that wouldn’t upset Tsukishima. He still didn’t seem to know what he wanted to do about the pregnancy, and he wouldn’t allow Kuroo to ask. The glare that he received when he pointed out that there was only so much time to decide was so icy that he didn’t dare bring it up again. 

But some things, he found out through careful trial and error, were allowed. Tsukishima would grudgingly permit him to touch his belly, either carefully or just casually as he passed; kiss it, coo to their child with a silly smile on his face. Now that he _could_ , Kuroo took every opportunity that was presented to him to acknowledge the baby. He still had no idea what Tsukishima would eventually decide on, and he wanted to take full advantage of any time that they might have had. It was a delicate peace, he thought; this small window of time while Tsukishima made up his mind where everything was fine, and for a while, Kuroo could pretend that this was the start of the family he had always wanted and never believed he’d get.

The illusion was shattered two weeks after the abortion had been scheduled. Tsukishima was nine weeks pregnant; their baby was the size of a grape, but they had eyelids, earlobes, fingers. Kuroo had googled it. He’d googled _everything_ , read as much as he could to try and feel somehow closer to his child. He envied Tsukishima so much that it burned for having them inside him, their tiny life entirely in his hands. His love for the omega had doubled but now half of it was directed at the child inside him, and it warred with furious disbelief that he could even consider anything but loving and caring for their baby. 

Kuroo was sprawled across the couch, marking some spelling tests from his students- and how differently he saw even them, now, each of them a reflection of what his own baby might one day grow up to be. He had always thought people were exaggerating when they talked about how parenthood changed them, but his child wasn’t even born yet- perhaps would never be- and already he felt like his world had been tilted sideways. 

Tsukishima flung himself down onto the couch beside Kuroo, uncharacteristically enough for the alpha to look up from his work with raised eyebrows.

“I’ve decided,” He announced, a little breathless. “What to do.”

Instantly, he had Kuroo’s full attention. The marking was shoved off to the side, immediately forgotten on the coffee table as he leaned in close to his omega. 

“You want kids.” Tsukishima said. He hadn’t phrased it like a question, but Kuroo thought that he would correct him anyway.

“I want _this_ kid.” He corrected. “Specifically. Our baby.”

“I know.” Tsukishima nodded. “But I don’t want any kids. Not even this one.” Hearing it again still stung, but Kuroo pushed that feeling aside. Tsukishima wasn’t done yet. “So I came up with a compromise.”

He cleared his throat, sitting up a little straighter.

“I’ll have the baby,” He told him, and Kuroo felt his heart leap, the weight that had been weighing down his shoulders for the past week lifted all at once. “For you. But I won’t raise it. You’ll have to do it by yourself. I don’t want anything to do with it once it’s born.”

“Yes.” Kuroo agreed immediately. A voice in his head raised the question of how he could look after the baby but not Tsukishima, but he didn’t _care_. He would have said, done, agreed to _anything_ if it meant that his baby would live. That he would get to hold them in his arms and care for them.

Tsukishima smiled faintly. His lips trembled, but he flung himself forwards and wrapped his arms around Kuroo before the smile could break, before any tears could fall.

“I love you.” He whispered back as the alpha’s arms wrapped around him to hug him tight, his lips pressing against the hinge of his jaw. “And you’re the best mate that I could ever have asked for- I don’t say it enough. I’m… happy, I can do this for you. I don’t want you to be hurt.”

“Thank you. Thank you.” Kuroo just said, over and over, so delirious with relief and happy he could think of nothing else. 

 

***

 

With the decision to keep the baby made, Tsukishima booked an ultrasound scan for the following Friday. At his side as they walked into the hospital, Kuroo was practically vibrating with excitement, a wide grin spread across his face.

“You look like a little kid.” Tsukishima observed with an amused snort, shaking his head at him when he glanced across.

“I’m _excited_. I’m happy!” Kuroo protested with a laugh, swinging their hands where they were joined. “I get to see what my baby looks like today.”

“I already know what they look like.” Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “They look like every other blurry ultrasound scan you’ve ever seen. Like a peanut with legs.”

Kuroo scoffed, shaking his head. “I’m not letting you kill my good mood.”

“You never do.” Tsukishima smiled, a small and secret thing reserved for only small animals, and Kuroo. 

He went with his mate into one of the rooms they were directed to, letting Tsukishima lead the way. Kuroo might have been more passionate about his mate’s pregnancy than he was, but Tsukishima was still better at organising things. Soon, he would have to organise telling people- the smell of pregnancy on him was unmistakable. It was getting harder and harder to try and hide it, and even then the only way he could do it was by denying it when people asked him. 

Kuroo stood at Tsukishima’s side when he lay down, the pair of them greeting the technician with varying politeness and warmth. Kuroo slid his fingers through Tsukishima’s again, holding his hand as they listened to her explain the procedure and talk generally, asking questions about the pregnancy’s progression so far that Tsukishima answered in the same smooth, scientific fashion he did anything. Kuroo listened, rapt, interjecting his own opinions where he thought he could. Once again, he had that feeling of this being _right_ , being the beginning of the family he’d always wanted to have with Tsukishima.

That feeling wore off very suddenly once the technician asked the omega to push his jeans down and his top up. Tsukishima complied without any fuss, baring his stomach, but the exposure made Kuroo bristle. When the technician reached out to touch him, he squeezed Tsukishima’s hand and let out a warning growl.

The blond turned to give him a withering look.

“Calm down, idiot.” He rolled his golden eyes. “This is her job.”

“It’s alright.” The technician laughed sweetly. “I get that a lot from alpha fathers, especially when the mother’s an omega. You’ve probably noticed a change in your scent by now?”

Both Kuroo and Tsukishima nodded.

“You’re producing different pheromones, too, that will make your mate more aggressive and protective of you. It’s in the nature of alphas to want to keep their pups safe. It’s why I’m the technician assigned to you- a beta is less threatening than an alpha and less exciting than an omega, when your alpha is already in a more instinct-driven state.” She explained. “However, Kuroo-san, you will have to let me touch Tsukishima-san if you want the ultrasound to _happen_.”

Kuroo’s first urge was to growl again, but he forced it down by squeezing Tsukishima’s hand again, and ducked his head.

“Sorry.” He said finally, a little embarrassed. “It just slipped out. Go on- I promise I’ll be a good boy.”

“Stop flirting, Tetsu.” Tsukishima drawled. “Have some self control.”

The technician glanced between them, seemingly worried for a moment before she caught sight of Kuroo’s grin and seemed to realise that this was just normal, playful bickering between the pair of them. 

With Kuroo having gotten himself under control, the technician was free to listen to the baby’s heartbeat and spread a clear gel across Tsukishima’s bare stomach, Kuroo leaning in to kiss him and murmur reassurances when he shivered from the cold. Both sets of eyes flickered to the screen set up by the bed when the technician produced the probe, running it slowly over Tsukishima’s stomach- still flat, but carrying more pudge now than he usually did.

The image on the screen was unmistakable. Kuroo had seen it many times before, on television and in films, but this was so _different_. The tiny grey shape on the screen was _his baby_ , alive and growing inside of the man he loved.

“Oh my god,” Kuroo breathed out as he squeezed Tsukishima’s hand again. His voice was choked with the happy tears that pricked at his eyes, unable to help but smile as he gazed at the screen in something like awe. “Oh my god, Tsukki, _look_ \- you can see their head- their little _fingers_ …”

Tsukishima scoffed. “You cannot see their fingers.”

“Their hands, then.” Kuroo corrected hastily, and finally tore his eyes away from the ultrasound to look over at his mate.

Tsukishima’s eyes were fixed just as intently on the screen as Kuroo’s were. He was watching with a detached sort of interest, his head tilted to one side like he was hearing a remarkable fact about a subject he didn’t particularly care about. Kuroo had seen him watch documentaries with more passion.

But that was okay. Remote interest was still _interest_ , and he clung to it. He wanted Tsukishima to want this. He wanted, more than almost anything else, for his baby to be loved by their mother.

He just had to give it time, he told himself desperately. He loved their child so fiercely, and he believed with every fibre of his being that, given enough time, Tsukishima would too. He couldn’t imagine being able to hold one’s own child in their arms and _not_ love them.

“Everything seems fine,” The technician told them with a reassuring smile. “And their heartbeat was steady. So far, you both have a healthy baby.”

Kuroo could have cried. He had thought he’d lose his baby before he even had a chance to know them, but they were _fine_. They were still there, growing inside of Tsukishima, their tiny heart beating there on the screen even if it was too small to see.

His own heart felt like it would explode. He had never loved anything more.

 

***

 

Perhaps Kuroo loved his baby more than anything, but his mate was still the most beautiful thing that he had ever seen. And a part of him always felt like he was at his most beautiful like this: flushed, panting, one hand gripping at the bedsheets while he bit down on the knuckles of the other to try and muffle his high, breathless moans. 

Kuroo was panting too, leaning over his mate as he rocked his hips forward, thrusting into him and listening to him cry out every time the head of his cock brushed against the omega’s prostate. Tsukishima’s golden eyes were hazy and blown dark with lust, his back arching as a shudder ran down his spine. 

Kuroo loved him so much, and he was _so_ beautiful. He always had been, but he was even more so now, Kuroo thought. Glowing and lovely, softer and smelling sweeter from his pregnancy. Kuroo couldn’t stop looking at him.

“Tetsu, Tetsu, Tetsu- _hah-_ ” Tsukishima gasped out a litany of his name, over and over, squirming underneath him on the bed. Kuroo just held his hips down to keep him from squirming away, watching the way pleasure played out on his face. 

Tsukishima screamed when he came, his back arching elegantly away from the bed beneath him. Kuroo’s eyes fluttered closed with a harsh gasp at the way his insides tightened and spasmed around him, and he just barely had time to pull out of him halfway before he was falling over the edge along with the omega. He came inside of Tsukishima, not quite deeply enough to knot him- there was, Tsukishima had bitched, no comfortable knotting positions when he was pregnant- and pulled him into a kiss that was more nipping at his lips and panting into his mouth than anything else. 

It took them both a while for them to get their breath back, but Tsukishima recovered first. He nudged at Kuroo’s shoulder with a soft groan.

“Move.” He mumbled, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I need to go clean up.”

Kuroo made a reluctant noise,but he did as he had been asked and pulled out, rolling off of the omega so he could make his way to the bathroom. He wiped away the slick and cum from his own crotch before flopping onto his stomach with a sigh. From this angle, he could see through the open bedroom door into the bathroom, and he watched Tsukishima’s indistinct figure totter around getting ready for bed with a fond smile. The hips that he’d held between his hands had begun to fill out pleasantly. Tsukishima had always been skinny, but Kuroo’s watchful eyes kept catching on the more stereotypically omegan curves that he was starting to develop.

He loved it. 

Kuroo pushed himself up on his elbows when his mate returned to the bedroom, lying next to him with a sigh and closing his eyes. The alpha turned around to lie with him properly, situated halfway down the bed so that his face was level with Tsukishima’s belly; reaching out to run a hand absently over his pale skin. At eighteen weeks pregnant, now, he was starting to show. On the omega’s request, they were still keeping the pregnancy as quiet as possible. He’d been starting to wear more oversized jumpers and cardigans lately, excess baggy fabric that would hide the small bump of his stomach from strangers’ eyes. But here, in their bedroom with Tsukishima wearing nothing at all, Kuroo was allowed to see what nobody else could.

He pressed his lips to the bump with a small smile, looking up at Tsukishima. He rolled his eyes when he met his gaze, in the way that Kuroo had learned meant he looked stupidly in love. At this point, Kuroo didn’t care. He was so _happy_ every time he thought about his mate’s pregnancy, especially now that the morning sickness had stopped and he had two ultrasound printouts in his wallet. They were nearly halfway through already, and the thought gave him flutters of excitement that made him grin widely. He was so excited to be a father.

“Do you have to stay down there all the time?” Tsukishima asked, shifting slightly to rest against the pillows. He didn’t seem nearly as enamoured with his baby bump as Kuroo was, but then again, the alpha supposed that Tsukishima had to see it constantly. It probably wasn’t as big of a deal anymore. 

“Yes.” He replied cheekily, sitting up.

“What if I say I want to cuddle?” Tsukishima knew all his his weaknesses.

“We can cuddle in a second.” Kuroo insisted, reaching across to his nightstand drawer- looking at Tsukishima’s bump, he’d been seized by an idea. He rifled through the drawer until his fingers closed around a red velvet box which he pulled out. From inside he retrieved his grandmother’s engagement ring, the one that he’d brought from his parents’ house for Tsukki all those months ago. In the rush and mess and complication of his pregnancy, he’d forgotten all about it. He cast around for a moment before laying his hands on a scrap of red ribbon most often used to tie Kuroo to the headboard, threading it though the ring until he had a makeshift pendant. Satisfied, he returned to his mate and knelt beside him, dangling the ring over his stomach and watching the way that it swung in small circles over the baby bump.

Tsukishima had been patiently silent while this went on, humouring his alpha, but now he finally spoke up.

“Tetsurou. What the fuck are you doing?” There was little malice in his voice- mostly amusement. Kuroo’s gaze flickered back to the omega, and he grinned at him.

“’S an old wives tale.” He explained. “You hold a ring over your bump; if it swings back and fourth, the baby’ll be a boy. If it swings in circles, it’s a girl. I just remembered about it, and I wanted to try.”

Tsukishima looked bemused.

“I just had an ultrasound, this morning.” He pointed out. “You were _there_. The sonographer asked us if we wanted to know the sex, and you said no. Wouldn’t it have been easier to get a professional to tell us, instead of this bullshit?” He gestured at the slowly revolving ring. 

Kuroo just snorted. He tossed the ring up in the air and caught it, before discarding it next to himself in the sheets.

“I don’t _actually_ want to know.” He explained, finally settling down next to Tsukishima for cuddles like he’d asked. Nevertheless, he splayed his fingers over his stomach again. Now that he actually had a visible bump, however tiny it might have been, Kuroo felt even more in touch with their baby whenever his hand was resting on Tsukishima’s stomach. “That’d spoil the surprise. But guessing is still fun. The ring says it’s a girl.”

“Do you agree?” Tsukishima asked, making himself comfortable next to Kuroo. His face ended up half hidden by the pillows, pale even against the white sheets. There was something angelic about him when his expression looked this soft, the sour face he wore for the world discarded when it was just the two of them.

_God, I love him_.

“Yeah.” Kuroo replied, glancing back down at the bump where he was tracing shapes. 

“In that case,” Tsukishima said, a small smirk playing around his lips. “I think it’ll be a boy.”

Kuroo laughed. He knew that his mate was only saying it to be contrary, but seeing him take any kind of interest in their baby at all still made his day, even if it was only jokingly. 

“We’ll see who’s right soon enough.” He shrugged. “Have you thought about names at all yet?”

“No.” Tsukishima replied coolly, raising one eyebrow at Kuroo. “I don’t want anything to do with the kid, I told you.” 

Privately, Kuroo thought the way that he occasionally saw him touch his stomach or gaze down at the bump, any number of small things like that, said otherwise. But he wasn’t going to make Tsukishima admit to something that he didn’t want to, and so he held his tongue and ploughed on. 

“Well, I have.” He shrugged. “And I like Keiko for a girl.”

“Absolutely not.” Tsukishima said instantly, and there it was _again_. He said he didn’t care, but then did things that Kuroo couldn’t explain if he wasn’t at least a little bit invested in their baby.

“What’s wrong with Keiko?” He asked, eager at the prospect of actually getting to talk about his child with their mother for once. Even if it was just about names. 

“Too similar to Kei.” He shook his head. “I hate it when people name their children after themselves.”

“Snob.” Kuroo teased gently. “Alright… I like Aya, too, for a girl. Hiro for a boy. Something short and simple, but cute.”

“Of course you’d want simple.” Tsukishima snorted.

“Hey, hey, what’s that supposed to mean?” Kuroo chided, nudging his shoulder against his mate’s. “I bet the kind of names you like are ridiculous. Something foreign and _interesting_.”

“You don’t have to use that tone of voice, Tetsu, you sound ridiculous. What makes you think that?”

“‘Cause.” Kuroo shrugged. “Everything you like is foreign and interesting. I’ve never heard of a single song you listen to.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “ _Songs_ and _baby names_ are completely different things.” He paused, then, sliding an arm around the alpha’s shoulders and reaching up to play with Kuroo’s dark hair, almost absently. When he spoke again, his voice was remarkably soft; his free hand moving down to ever-so-gently touch his barely-there bump.

“I always liked Amaterasu.” He admitted, eyes closed. “So not foreign, but… still interesting, I guess. I’ve never thought about baby names, so I don’t have one for a boy, but- Amaterasu is nice.”

Kuroo paused to consider this, his heart warming at how involved Tsukishima was allowing himself to be.

“I like Amaterasu.” He assured him. “It’s very… Kei.” He couldn’t help the silly smile that crossed his face, because it was. He couldn’t imagine his omega choosing any other kind of name. “And hey, the ring said it’s a girl. You don’t _have_ to think about boys’ names.”

Tsukishima swatted at him and rolled his eyes, but Kuroo could see he was trying not to laugh. He leaned off to the side, then, retrieving the ribbon from the bed and sliding the ring off of it, letting it rest in the palm of his hand as he inspected the delicate design.

“This is pretty.” He mused. “Where’d you get it?”

“It was my grandmother’s engagement ring.” Kuroo shrugged in response, and Tsukishima glanced over at him. 

“Why was your grandmother’s engagement ring in your…” He trailed off, and Kuroo watched his golden eyes widen as the realisation hit of why Kuroo had an engagement ring hidden in his nightstand. 

Hastily, Kuroo snatched the ring back from Tsukishima, tucking it away in the velvet box again. 

“Don’t worry about it.” He assured him, leaning in to give the omega a quick kiss. Normally, that was enough to make his face soften, but he was still frowning at him when he pulled away. Kuroo had never felt his good mood sink so fast. “I’m serious, Tsukki,” He insisted. “Stop thinking about it.”

There was a moment in which he could _see_ the struggle on Tsukishima’s face. Then his shoulders slumped, and he sighed; rolling over onto his side of the bed and curling up. Kuroo didn’t think he was going to sleep, but he could at least pretend.

“Goodnight, Tetsurou.”

He didn’t know what to do with a ring when he still felt as if their relationship was sitting on a fault line.

 

 

***

 

“Tetsu, come here.”

Kuroo had been washing dishes in the sink, but he immediately dropped them with an awful clatter of ceramic on metal at the sound of his mate’s voice. Wiping off his hands on his jeans, he hurried to Tsukishima’s side without a second thought- constant worry about whether his mate and their baby were okay made him jumpy, and alpha instincts demanded he protect his vulnerable little family.

Tsukishima was installed on the couch, sitting cross-legged next to an impressive pile of books with his laptop balanced on his knees. Even pregnant, he had scoffed at the idea of abandoning school or his career, and he was still diligently working on his master’s degree even though his belly seemed to swell more and more by the day. 

“What is it?” Kuroo asked, leaning close to Tsukishima. “Is it the pup?”

“Mhm.” The omega replied, a tiny smile threatening the corners of his mouth. “It’s nothing bad.” He assured Kuroo, as if he was able to tell how much the alpha’s blood pressure had just spiked. He reached out and took his hands in his own, pushing up the stolen shirt he was wearing and pressing Kuroo’s palms to the soft skin of his stomach.

After a few moments of confusing silence and stillness, Kuroo looked at Tsukishima’s face.

“What’s going on, Kei?”

Tsukishima’s brow furrowed slightly.

“They’re kicking.” He told him insistently. Kuroo’s heart leaped at the word- _my baby is kicking!-_ but that didn’t mean that anything had changed for him. “Can’t you feel it?”

“No.” Kuroo couldn’t hide how dejected he sounded. It must have been bad, because even Tsukishima looked sympathetic. He leaned back from him a little, gazing down at his bump and rubbing his hands over his skin soothingly. The fondness in his eyes made Kuroo ache; he wondered if Tsukishima was even aware of loving his own baby, or if he was still insisting to himself he didn't care.

“It’s okay.” He assured the alpha gently. “I haven’t felt them move before… I wasn’t even sure it _was_ them, at first. But I can now. It’s probably still too small to feel from the outside, but…” He smiled, wide and bright. “They’re moving. Definitely.”

Kuroo leaned forwards, chasing Tsukishima across the couch to press his hands against his stomach, tilting his head to one side. If his child was moving, he wanted to be able to feel it- he wanted to experience everything to do with them. 

The next time it happened, he _did_ feel it. The barrier of Tsukishima’s body muffled the sensation, but Kuroo still felt the sharp kick against his palm. He laughed, joy escaping his body as sound.

“Little fighter.” He grinned, and ducked his head to press a kiss against the bare skin beneath his and his mate’s hands. “God- I felt it that time, Kei. Holy- _god_.” It was like the realisation that Kei was showing all over again- more proof that his baby was real even if he couldn’t see them, more things to make him feel closer to the life growing inside of his mate.

“I know, Tetsu.” Tsukishima sounded amused as he tilted his head up, kissing Kuroo gently. “It’s kind of amazing… they’re still so small. But I can feel them.”

The expression he wore was the same as the one from the first ultrasound, that interest and fascination. But there was something brighter about it, somehow. The detachment was gone; he was invested, now. Feeling the baby kick had made Tsukishima _happy_ , and the way he touched his stomach was almost reverent.

Kuroo could have cried. His mate might have said that he wanted nothing to do with the baby, but there wasn’t a single part of him that believed that any more. He wondered if it was even possible not to love something that was growing inside of you, that relied upon you entirely- he envied Tsukishima for it, that closeness to their baby that he would never experience. But even that couldn’t put a damper on his happiness as he wrapped his arms around his omega and hugged him tight.

_My family_.

 

***

 

“I don’t want you to tell anybody else that I’m pregnant.”

Tsukishima announced it as he sat down next to him holding his stomach, drawing Kuroo’s attention over to him as his brow furrowed in confusion. He did a quick count in his head of who knew already: Akiteru, who had known even before he did, Yamaguchi back in Miyagi, Kuroo’s family, and Bokuto and Akaashi, who they had only just told that morning. Bokuto had been ecstatic, upset only that they hadn’t told him sooner, but Akaashi’s reaction had been somewhat more subdued and, admittedly, sensible.

He hoped that he hadn’t put Tsukishima off telling other people. 

“Okay.” Kuroo agreed, slowly, since he hadn’t been able to deny his mate anything since he’d fallen pregnant. “That’s… gonna be hard, though, Kei. You _smell_ pregnant. And you’re starting to show now. I mean,” He paused to laugh. “Your _parents_ don’t even know yet, and you can’t exactly hide it from them.”

“I’m going to, though.”

Kuroo blinked slowly. “…I don’t understand.”

“I’m not telling my parents that I’m pregnant. Not ever. They would _kill_ me- no, it’d be worse than that. They’d just be _disappointed_.” He made a face. 

“Then how are you going to explain it when you show up in four months with a baby?”

Tsukishima sat back, something dark flickering through his gold eyes. He sat back, exhaling a long sigh and combing his fingers through his hair once before his hands found their way into his lap to fidget anxiously.

“I’m leaving, Tetsurou.”

Something dropped from Kuroo’s chest to his stomach before he had even properly processed the words, let alone understood them. The furrow in his brow deepened, and he shifted unconsciously closer to Tsukishima, reaching out till the tips of his fingers brushed against his knee. 

“Leaving…?”

The omega nodded once.

“Leaving you,” He clarified, then continued, “Everyone. The country, actually. Once I finish my masters I’m going to do a PhD in America.”

There was a roar in Kuroo’s ears. Logically, he was aware that he was sitting down and looking, just looking at Tsukishima. But his heart and his head wanted to convince him that he was falling, plummeting, his vision swimming as the ground rushed up to meet him. He was blindsided, hurting, his chest protesting each breath he drew for as long as he possessed the knowledge that Tsukishima was _leaving him_. 

“I don’t understand.” He repeated, weakly. They were a couple; they were _mates_. To lose Tsukishima was to lose a part of himself, the bit of his soul that he’d given away to him when he marked his neck with his bite. Biology would tell him that nothing more than a scar and scent marking kept the two of them together, but that didn’t mean he would listen- Tsukishima was _his_ , and he was Tsukishima’s. 

He couldn’t just _go_. 

“I told you,” To his credit, the omega looked wretched, mirroring Kuroo’s twisted expression. For Tsukishima, though, there was no confusion- this was his decision, to leave. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Kuroo didn’t understand anything.

“I told you I would have the baby, but I didn’t want to raise it.” That was pleading, Kuroo recognised- Tsukishima was begging with him. Imploring him to understand. “I thought you knew- that you would have realised what that meant. That I’d leave, once it’s born. We can’t stay together when you’re raising a baby and I’m not.”

_Had_ he known that Tsukishima was leaving? On some level he must have, he was sure of it. But knowing distantly what his ultimatum had meant was a different animal entirely to being told in no uncertain terms that he was going to go.

“ _America_ , though?” Kuroo choked out, his hands curling into fists where they rested on his thigh. “Why are you going so _far_? It’s on the other side of the world.” _You will be so far from me. How am I supposed to live when you’re so far away from me_? Tsukishima was leaving, but he’d gone beyond just that- there was no chance of reconciliation, no way to catch glimpses of him around the city to remind him of what he’d had. A flash of script flickered through his mind- it was easier to think about words and fiction than his reality. _Heaven is here, where Juliet lives_. 

“It’s a good school.” Tsukishima said quietly, but Kuroo knew what went unspoken beside those words. He didn’t want to stay near to him, near to the baby. There were good schools in Japan, too. The decision to leave had been a conscious one.

It stung. 

“You’re my omega.” Kuroo could hear the tremble in his own voice that matched his shaking hands. It was getting harder and harder to breathe through the aching lump in his throat. His vision was still swimming, but literally now as his eyes filled up. “You can’t just leave. Kei, we’re _mates- I love you_. Please stay with me. _Please._ ”

“Alright.” Kuroo knew Tsukishima well enough to recognise what he was doing: withdrawing into himself, turning his heart to ice because being cold was preferable to being vulnerable and allowing himself to feel. “I’ll stay. Give up the baby.”

“ _No_.” Kuroo responded without even thinking about it, on reflex alone. The idea of losing the child he’d felt kick against his hand just a few days before filled him with horror- it wasn’t even an option. 

“Then I have to go.” Tsukishima sat back, clasping his hands in front of himself with a sigh as he looked up towards the ceiling. “I love you, Tetsurou. I love you so much- I don’t think I can love anyone else. You’re the exact alpha I needed.” He smiled, bitter and full of hurt. “But I can’t take your baby from you, and I can’t have a child either. I can’t stay.”

Kuroo opened his mouth, and closed it. He didn’t know what else he could argue- it was true. Everything that Tsukishima said, was true.

“So… what?” He swallowed hard, distraught as he looked at him. “Are you breaking up with me.”

Tsukishima shook his head.

“Eventually.” He said softly. “Once the baby’s born… that’s the end of it. But I don’t want to be apart from you any sooner than I have to be.” He wrapped his arms around himself in a tight hug, touching his bump as if for reassurance. Kuroo ached- he remembered when the baby had kicked, the way Tsukishima had smiled and the bright interest in his eyes.

How foolish he had been to hope that they could be happy.

Perhaps he could understand why Tsukishima was running so far from him. It was easier; staying close without touching would have hurt too much.

Kuroo leaned forwards to pull Tsukishima into his arms, feeling him shake against him and hiding his face against his hair.

“I’m gonna miss you.” He murmured.

“Me too.” The omega breathed out, clinging to him tightly. He felt so slender and fragile still under his hands; everything in him rebelled against the idea that he could let Tsukishima go, allow him to be outside of his protection. But the only thing that he could have done to stop it was unthinkable- there was no scenario that allowed him to keep his mate. He considered that, considered what it would be like to feel their bond mark slowly fade and Tsukishima’s scent disappear from the apartment, the scar on his throat healing over. His mind recoiled from the concept as if burned, worse for the fact that he was forced to _choose_ this.

_I don’t understand anything_.

 

***

 

The bedroom that Kuroo shared with Tsukishima was a modernist masterpiece: white walls, wood floors, grey sheets. The omega kept it impeccably clean- even when he was nesting, it seemed well organised. It was their space, full of memories of lazy afternoons and morning sex and slow kisses, time spent together sprawled out on the mattress with Kuroo tracing shapes on Tsukishima’s skin in idle affection. He knew how much his omega loved this space that they shared together.

There was something tragically funny about the scowl on his face now as he sat cross-legged in the middle of their bed, the last remaining island in an ocean of nursery supplies. Kuroo was sprawled in a mess of wood and screws that would, if he could decipher the instructions, become a cradle, and he snickered every time he looked up at his mate.

“It’s not funny. What’s so funny?” Tsukishima demanded, his golden eyes narrowed as he looked down at Kuroo. The alpha spat out a screw so he could speak, laughing openly.

“It’s a little funny.” He protested. “You look so _mad_ about it.”

Tsukishima glanced around the room, pouting. One corner had been commandeered by floating silks and hanging bunting, toys and a pastel giraffe statue separating it from the rest of the bedroom. There was no spare room in their apartment, and so there was no choice but to turn the spare space in their bedroom into a makeshift nursery.

“It’s messy.” Tsukishima wrinkled his nose. “It’s… childish.”

“You’re the one who was complaining that nothing’s ready.” Kuroo pointed out dryly. As much as Tsukishima was still insistent that he didn’t care about the baby he was carrying, he was still at the mercy his hormones. Kuroo had come home the week before to a shocking amount of mess, Tsukishima having rearranged their room to nest as if he were about to go into heat. He’d been too moody and territorial to explain anything, at least not before Kuroo cuddled him into submission for several hours and got him to admit that he was uncomfortable not having anything ready for the baby- the maternal instincts he did have demanded things be ready for the baby before he left.

So here Kuroo was, preparing a nursery while Tsukishima looked on with a glare, just as grumpy as he had been when _nothing_ was ready. He might have been annoyed, or exhausted, but with his mate nearly seventh months pregnant Kuroo was used to it. Tsukishima had been impossible to please even before he conceived; his hormones just made it worse. 

“Of course it’s childish, it’s for a _baby_.” Kuroo pointed out. Tsukishima might not have liked to see children’s things encroach upon his space, but it couldn’t be helped. “How are they, by the way?”

A small smile crossed Tsukishima’s face. He sat back a little, absently rubbing his stomach with one hand. There was no hiding his pregnancy anymore, the scent of it on him so strong and his belly so swollen with the pup inside. Kuroo loved it, quietly but constantly, smiling every time he caught sight of him. If he ignored what was going on between the two of them, the decisions that had been made, it was blissfully domestic in the way they he had always wanted. 

“They’re fine.” The omega replied lazily, letting out a soft sigh. “Kicking the shit out of me, though.”

“Really?” Kuroo laughed. He dropped what he was doing, standing up from the floor to go over to the bed; sitting down next to Tsukishima and placing a hand over his stomach. Sure enough, he felt the now-familiar sensation of their baby kicking.

“Mhm. They’re gonna be a hyperactive kid.” Tsukishima guessed. He tried to hide his smile when Kuroo looked at him, but he was getting worse at it, not better.

It was just another thing that the alpha couldn’t understand. Tsukishima allowing himself to show interest and affection towards their child wouldn’t change the fact that he had decided to leave. He tried not to think about it too much- it just ended up frustrating him, reminding him of the pain that came with being abandoned by his omega.

He shouldn’t have thought of it as an _abandonment_. But he did; more for his baby’s sake than his own. As much as Kuroo was hurting, it hadn’t escaped his attention that as he was losing his mate, his child was being left without a mother.

The baby kicked against Kuroo’s hand again, drawing his attention, and he smiled as he leaned down to press a kiss to Tsukishima’s stomach. They still had two more months- he could afford to bury his head in the sand for a little longer, if it allowed him to cling to this fragile happiness.

 

***

 

Time went by frighteningly fast. There was an hourglass in Kuroo’s head; he was painfully conscious of every hour, minute, second slipping through his fingers like grains of sand. He’d circled Tsukishima’s due date on the calendar in the kitchen over and over again, but he regretted choosing red ink whenever he looked at it. It no longer seemed like a countdown as much as a warning. He was trading his lover for a child, and soon Tsukishima would be gone.

Ignoring that fact was growing harder and harder. At the same time Kuroo was lovingly packing a bag ready for Tsukishima to take with him to the hospital when he went into labour (and it could be any moment now, only seven days left until he was due) Tsukishima had been packing all of his things away in boxes; the apartment was bare without them. A manila envelope was pinned to the fridge by a magnet, full of passports and plane tickets and documentation, everything that Tsukishima would need to start his new life. He’d finished his masters thesis on bedrest and graduated with flying colours like Kuroo knew he would, holding his head proudly high despite the whispers and stares directed at his bump. Now his place on a postgraduate course in a different continent was sweetly secured.

Kuroo had thought Tsukishima’s leaving would be hell, but instead it was limbo. He was still here, but barely; his mind had already gone across the sea, full of research and old bones. Kuroo had been the one to organise everything for the birth, only getting nods or shakes of Tsukishima’s head in response to his questions as he made his travel plans. 

They were alone less and less, but it was a good thing- it stopped the silence stretching out too much between them when Bokuto or Akaashi or Kuroo’s mother would drop by. Their guests had learned that discussions of the baby bored Tsukishima, even a week away from the birth, so they would talk about his upcoming move instead.

Kuroo hated it. He hated the looks they sent his way when Tsukishima rambled excitedly about his school, the pity in their eyes. He hated how it only grew when he spoke about his child, when he went out of his way to mention the moments where Tsukishima showed an interest in them. He knew exactly what they were thinking, and he could feel those thoughts crawling, itching like bugs under his skin.

_Why are you still in denial? Kei is leaving. He doesn’t_ **_want_ ** _the baby._

_He doesn’t want_ **_you_ ** _._

Even his mother thought it. They could all go to hell. 

They didn’t see what he did; the quiet moments when Tsukishima touched his bump so tenderly, or spoke and sang to the baby when he thought that Kuroo was asleep. 

_He loves me and he loves our baby, I know he does. He has to- he can’t not._

He was a logical person; clever, just like his omega was. But the difference between he and Tsukishima had always been the blond’s ability to switch off his emotions, or at least detach them from the part of his mind that controlled conscious thought. Kuroo had no such gift. He thought as he believed as he felt. Visions played out in his mind’s eye of torn up plane tickets, of Tsukishima’s smile the first time he held their baby- surely, then, he would feel the same rightness and devotion that Kuroo did. Surely then he’d realise how foolish it was to believe it was possible to abandon your own child.

_Maybe if I want it hard enough, he’ll stay_.

 

***

 

When it happened, it was simple. Kuroo had expected an explosion, but the whole affair was remarkably calm; _this is the way the world ends. Not with a bang but a whimper_.

“Tetsurou,” Tsukishima said, like any other day, but with enough intention that the alpha looked over immediately. “I just had a contraction.”

Kuroo rushed over immediately but, as ever, Tsukishima brushed away all of his attempts to fuss. It hadn’t even really hurt, he said, and it would be hours yet. He just wanted to read for a little longer.

Kuroo still watched him like a hawk, tensing every time he saw Tsukishima’s face twist or heard him let out a soft noise. He kept count of the gaps between contractions, like he’d been told to, feeling his heart climb each time a minute dropped.

Eventually, Tsukishima said again, “Tetsurou,” still with that shocking calmness. Kuroo wasn’t sure why he had expected anything else from him. “My water broke.”

Kuroo called a cab. Tsukishima preferred the metro. When they were dating, he had waxed lyrical about the simultaneous intimacy and isolation of being underground with a carriage full of strangers, and Kuroo had known then that he loved him. But he wouldn’t allow his omega to labour on a train, and so a cab it was.

He didn’t know how Tsukishima could be so calm when his own heart was beating out of his chest. Even if Kuroo had been the one to organise everything, it was Tsukishima who took control now, leading them into the hospital and speaking to the beta woman at the reception, because Kuroo couldn’t catch his breath. He couldn’t understand how _cool_ Tsukishima was being, even as he was given a hospital gown and a bed to wait until he was ready to give birth.

“How are you so _calm_ about this? You’re having a baby.” Kuroo asked, setting in the chair next to his mate’s bed with his elbows resting on the mattress next to his legs. Their room was private, a necessary precaution for alpha fathers who were going to be aggressively protective over their vulnerable, hurting mates. Tsukishima, who was tapping something out on his phone, just turned to him with a shrug. 

“I’m in a hospital.” He pointed out. “Billions of omegas throughout history have done this and since the advent of modern medicine most of them have been fine. I don’t have any reason to worry.”

“It’s gonna hurt, though.” Kuroo frowned- he’d seen birth videos at the antenatal classes he’d persuaded Tsukishima to attend. The idea of seeing his omega in so much pain made his stomach turn- he didn’t understand how the man in question could be so flippant about it.

“Lots of things hurt.” Tsukishima’s shoulders lifted in a shrug, before he continued speaking like nothing had happened. “Akiteru and your mother are coming by.”

Kuroo lifted his head. “They are?”  
“I just texted them.” Tsukishima nodded. “Katsumi would be pissed if she missed this. And I want to see my brother.”

Kuroo settled back down. He’d wanted to make obnoxious social media posts throughout Tsukishima’s pregnancy, and earlier, when his labour started; but the omega’s desire for secrecy meant that he was the only one who got to control who was told what. Kuroo was a little bitter about it, but it was hard to feel anything beyond the swirling mess of excitement and fear that warred inside him.

He was going to meet his child, finally. But these last few hours would be the hardest.

Kuroo Katsumi arrived long before Akiteru, since she had a far shorter distance to travel to the hospital in Tokyo. She’d always loved Tsukishima, but Kuroo had never seen her fuss over him like this. To his credit, the omega was as patient and sweet with her as he had always tried to be, smiling and answering her questions. He barely winced at the increasingly close together contractions, waving away her concerns when they came. If Kuroo hadn’t known him better than anyone, he wouldn’t have noticed the faint desperation in the look that the omega gave him. He asked his mother if she could give them some privacy as soon as he saw it, since these would be the last few hours they had together before the baby was born. Katsumi left with an understanding smile.

It was only once she was gone that Tsukishima allowed himself to let out a whine of pain, sinking back against the pillows and clutching his stomach.

“Fuck.” He cursed, only once, and looked at Kuroo with faintly hazy eyes. He noticed the sweat shining on his brow for the first time.

“I told you it would hurt.” Kuroo teased faintly, but he found Tsukishima’s hand with his own and squeezed reassuringly.

“It’s getting worse.” The omega murmured, shifting uncomfortably on the bed and swallowing hard. “Could you get the midwife?”

“‘Course.” Kuroo stood up immediately, hurrying off. He brought her to Tsukishima’s bedside three more times before she finally announced that the omega was ready to give birth; he didn’t seem so calm anymore, his golden eyes swimming with tears as he gasped and hissed and clutched at Kuroo’s hand so hard he was worried he’d break bones. A low sound had started up in the alpha’s chest, and didn’t seem about to stop any time soon; a strange mix of territorial growl at every doctor and nurse who put their hands on Tsukishima to examine him, and a purr to try and soothe his omega while he pushed. 

Watching Tsukishima labour and being unable to do anything to help him, or even soothe his pain, was the worst thing Kuroo had ever been through. He knew it was worse for his mate, but every time he cried out the alpha’s chest ached in sympathy- even his excitement about their child couldn’t stop that.

It went on for hours before Kuroo finally heard crying.

The rest of the delivery room seemed to have fallen silent- or at least, his whole world had narrowed down to that sound. Moving as one, both he and Tsukishima lifted their tired heads to look towards the foot of the bed where the doctors were assembled, bundling something into a waited blanket.

A nurse hurried to the top of the bed, moving to press the bundle into Tsukishima’s arms.

“ _No_.” The omega gasped out the word as a sob, and Kuroo preferred to imagine he was crying from the lingering pain of birth than anything else. He pushed the midwife away, shaking his head, and Kuroo cringed at the lost look of confusion on her face. He wondered if she had ever had a mother refuse their newborn before. 

“Here,” He held out his arms. “I’ll take them.”

The nurse gave him a look of immense gratitude before she made her way over, handing the bundle of blankets to Kuroo.

“Congratulations- it’s a girl.” She announced. The engagement ring he’d dangled over Tsukishima’s pregnant belly all those months ago had been right.

Kuroo gazed down at his daughter with undisguised wonder. She was wailing, sticky and red in the face, squirming in the blanket. But she was beautiful, he thought, so beautiful; her chubby cheeks and the shock of black hair at the top of her head, the sliver of gold when she opened her big round eyes a crack. His face split into a helpless smile, and he laughed; bending down a little to bring her closer to the bed.

Closer to her mother.

“Kei, look.” He said, breathless with wonder. “We have a daughter- Kei, please, she’s so beautiful…” He just wanted Tsukishima to look at her. He just wanted him to see. If he looked he would fall in love with her the same way Kuroo had over the past nine months, he was sure of it. He couldn’t look down at this tiny, helpless creature that was equal halves of both of them and _not_ love her. 

Slowly, a pair of exhausted golden eyes drifted from where they had been gazing blindly at a tiled wall to look at the baby girl Kuroo held in his arms. A small smile pulled up the corners of Tsukishima’s lips, and his eyes lit up despite their tiredness.

“She is beautiful.” He agreed, his voice tiny and hoarse from screaming for hours. “I…” Tsukishima began, and then stopped. A curious expression crossed his face, like he had just come across something he couldn’t explain. Then all expression disappeared from his face. His eyes fluttered shut, and his mouth went slack as he passed out.

Kuroo blinked. There was a moment of perfect quiet, and then panic set in.

“Kei?” He yelped, leaning forwards. He’d have shaken him if his arms weren’t occupied by their daughter. “Kei!”

The medical team in the delivery room were exploding into motion, fussing around the unconscious omega. The same omega nurse who had presented Kuroo with his daughter now had her hand on his shoulders, murmuring soothingly to him as she tried to usher him out of the room.

She wasn’t fast enough. Kuroo saw it when they threw back the sheets protecting his omega’s modesty. He saw the shocking amount of blood that had pooled between his legs, thick and bright and sticking his hospital gown to his thighs. 

“ _Kei!”_ Kuroo’s cry was anguished. The nurse’s small hands pushed sharply against his back, the door banging behind him as she pushed him out into the corridor. He growled, immediately trying to turn back and return to his omega’s side- he was hurt, he _needed him_ \- but she was standing in his way. Another growl rippled up from his chest, and he bared his teeth at her aggressively. 

“Kuroo-san,” The nurse implored. It was clever, the last logical part of Kuroo’s brain noted, to send an omega to deal with him. Her comforting pheromones made him actually _listen_ , instead of just charging right past her. “Please calm down. Tsukishima-san is fine.”

“He was _bleeding_.” Kuroo snarled. “What’s wrong with him?”

“We don’t know yet,” The nurse explained, her hands still held up and out in a placating gesture. “But we will soon, as long as the doctors are given time and peace to work. I know waiting in the dark is hard, but you have to do it. After all,” She glanced down at Kuroo’s arms. “You have someone else to look after now, too.”

Kuroo looked down at the baby in his arms, blinking. She was still crying, although it hadn’t registered over his worry about Tsukishima. Now that he paid attention, the sound tugged on his heartstrings. He shushed her immediately, rocking her gently against his chest, and was placated when she calmed a little for him.

The omega nurse smiled. “Let me show you somewhere private you and your daughter can rest. I’m sure Tsukishima-san will be joining you soon.”

 

***

 

Kuroo’s daughter had Tsukishima’s eyes.

He saw it when she opened them properly for the first time, looking around the room that the nurse had escorted him too. It was cosy and comfortable, with a cradle and formula milk and a collection of chairs. Kuroo had taken up the one with the most cushions, seating himself in it and rocking his baby gently in his arms until she settled; slowly getting used to the shell-shock of being alive. Caring for her was a lifeline, the only thing that kept his worry for Tsukishima at bay instead of driving him mad.

But she had his eyes; he saw that when they opened. Wide and round and the colour of gold coins, blinking slowly up at the world. Now that she’d stopped crying, she looked around with a curiosity that reminded Kuroo of her mother too. He made a choked noise in the back of his throat at the thought, holding his daughter closer to his chest. He clung too her desperately, too wrapped up in stroking a reverent hand over her hair to hear the sound of the room’s door opening, or purposeful footsteps striding towards him. 

“If anything happens to him, it’s your fault.”

Kuroo looked up at the sound of a trembling, furious voice to see Tsukishima Akiteru standing in front of him, wearing the same distraught expression he recognised from Kei in the past few months. Kuroo’s own mother stood a little way back, hovering by the door and looking worried. As an omega herself, however, she knew better than to get in between them.

“What?” Kuroo just blinked up at Akiteru, forcing himself to remain calm despite the fact that his instincts snarled for blood in retaliation to the idea that he would or could _ever_ harm his mate, deliberately or not. 

“Kei is in surgery,” Akiteru retorted, as if Kuroo didn’t already know. “Because of complications from giving birth to _your_ baby, that he didn’t even _want_ to have. If he’s hurt- if Kei _dies_ ,” His voice cracked, his eyes damp before he dragged the back of his hand across them. “It’ll be your fucking fault.”

Kuroo opened his mouth to retaliate, but Akiteru cut him off- he still wasn’t done. All of his mild manners, it seemed, disappeared entirely when it came to protecting his baby brother.

“You’re selfish.” He hissed at him. “You let Kei carry a baby he _didn’t want_ just because you did- and you knew, you _knew_ how much he hated kids, how much being pregnant took out of him.”

Kuroo was silent. He knew pregnancy had been hard on Tsukishima’s body; just as he knew that if he were to try to tell Akiteru, or anyone else, about the small moments in which he was sure his mate loved their child, no one would ever believe him.

“I didn’t force Kei to do anything.” He said finally. Shamefully, he withdrew into himself, cradling his daughter closer to his chest as guilt rose up in him. “He chose to have the baby.”

“And that choice is the reason my brother is leaving the _continent_.” Akiteru spat bitterness, but there was more and more genuine hurt showing through his voice by the moment. “You took him from me- from everyone. Even yourself. I just hope you’re happy.” He swallowed hard, finally uncurling the fingers at his sides where his hands had clenched into fists. “I’m going to go and find out what’s happening to my little brother.”

With that, Akiteru swept from the room; destroying the dramatic effect of his entrance by closing the door quietly so as not to disturb the baby on the way out. 

An apologetic smile on her face, Katsumi made her way forwards to finally take the seat next to her son.

“I’m sorry about that.” She murmured. “You didn’t deserve it.”

Kuroo didn’t respond to that- he honestly wasn’t sure it was true. After a few long moments of quiet, Katsumi held her arms out carefully.

“Can I see them?” She asked gently, and Kuroo blinked like he was waking from a trance.

“Yeah.” He breathed out in reply, before gently placing his daughter into his mother’s arms; smiling when she burbled and blinked up at her. He was besotted already. “She’s a girl.”

“I can see that.” Katsumi _beamed_ , gently stroking the dark hair on the top of the baby’s head. “She’s such a pretty girl, yes…” She cooed, before looking up at Kuroo; already hopelessly, helplessly in love with her first grandchild. Katsumi had always been a natural with children. “She looks like you.”

Kuroo blinked in surprise. “Does she?”

“Mhm-hm.” Katsumi nodded serenely, her gaze drawn back to the baby bundled up in her arms. “Kei’s eyes, but I think you know that. Aside from those, you looked just like this when you were born… just as pretty as her.” She teased, and her brown eyes brightened when Kuroo laughed. “Do you know what you’re going to name her yet?”

“No.” Kuroo shook his head instantly. “It’d be wrong to name her without Kei…” He paused then, Akiteru’s accusations coming back to him in a rush. Tears stung at his eyes without warning, his breath hitching in his throat. “If Kei even comes back.” He let his face fall into his hands in distress, staring blankly through the gaps in his long fingers at the floor. “Mom- there was so much blood.” He looked up, distraught. “It’s right- she’s _my_ baby, if he dies, it’s my fault…”

“No. No, it’s not.” Katsumi insisted, attempting to press the baby back into Kuroo’s arms. He resisted at first, but only for a few moments before he couldn’t help but take her and cradle her again. Sensing his distress, her little face screwed up as she began to sob. “Tetsurou, listen to me- it was Kei’s decision to have the baby, and no one could have predicted things would go this badly wrong. None of this is your fault.”

Kuroo didn’t respond, locked inside the horror of his own head.

“Tetsurou,” Katsumi implored. She almost tried to convince him of his innocence again, before thinking of something that might have worked better. “Tetsurou, please. Your daughter is crying.”

Kuroo blinked down at the baby in his arms, as if he had been distracted enough with thoughts of Tsukishima to forget about her entirely. Now that he heard the crying, though, she had his full attention.

“Shh…” He murmured soothingly, rocking her gently in his arms. “It’s okay, sweetheart… we’re okay.” He sniffed, managing to fight back his own tears for his daughter’s sake. “Daddy’s fine- and your mommy’s going to be fine, too. I’d never let anything happen to him.” He shook his head. “I love your mommy so much, y’know- and you’re gonna love him too. And he’s gonna love _you_ , I know he is. We’ll all be together, the three of us. We’ll be happy no matter what, I promise.”

He went on like that, murmuring until his daughter’s sobs faded to hiccups and then to nothing. His own mother watched on with a faintly proud look on her face, although her fingers were white where she gripped the arm of her chair. Kuroo could make all the promises that he wanted, but they would never be guarantees that Tsukishima was going to be okay.

It was hours before there was any news. The doctor who had helped Tsukishima give birth entered the room quietly, and thankfully so- Kuroo had managed to nurse his daughter off to sleep after feeding her from the bottled formula, and he would have dozed himself if his heart weren’t beating in his chest like a hummingbird, every pulse a fresh wave of worry about his mate.

“Kuroo-san?” The doctor had his attention immediately, sitting bolt upright. “Your mate is busy recovering from surgery- he’s awake, now.”

“Kei’s okay?” Kuroo almost slid from the chair with the force of his relief, gripping onto the arms to hold himself steady when the doctor nodded. “What happened- he’s going to be okay?”

“He’ll be fine.” The doctor assured Kuroo with a small smile. “His placenta was malformed, resulting in tears to the uterine wall causing postpartum haemorrhage. Surgical intervention was required to stop the bleeding, but Tsukishima-san will pull through.”

“Thank god.” Kuroo slumped in the chair, his head once again falling into his hands before he hastily pulled himself upright. “Can I see him?”

“Of course.” The doctor nodded. He had barely even finished speaking before Kuroo jumped up out of the chair.

“Mom- will you watch the baby?” The moment she nodded in agreement, Kuroo was gone; following the doctor through the sterile white corridors until he reached Tsukishima’s recovery room.

He went to him immediately. He fell to his knees at his bedside, his hands clasped on the sheets as if in prayer. He only lifted his head to make sure that this was real, that his mate was truly there.

“Kei,” He gasped out. “ _Kei_.”

“Yes?” Kei said, managing to sound dryly sarcastic despite- despite everything. He was paler than Kuroo had ever seen him, purple circles ringing his eyes, his hands shaky and weak where they were folded in his lap.

“You look like shit.” Kuroo replied, because he knew it would make Tsukishima smile, and it did. He let out a soft sigh as he gazed up at him, moving his hand across the bed to take his mate’s. Tsukishima allowed it. In fact, his own fingers twitched, curling ever so slightly around Kuroo’s.

“I feel like shit.” He murmured. “They told me I had surgery, but I don’t remember anything- not even the birth. Just pain.” He paused, glancing sidelong and hesitant at Kuroo. “Did the baby…?” He didn’t finish, but he didn’t have to. It was implied well enough: _survive_.

“Yeah.” Kuroo nodded, a breathless grin breaking out on his face. “She was born before- well, before it all went to shit. She’s a girl- she is _so_ , so beautiful, Kei, I can’t even believe it. She has your eyes, I can’t wait for you to see her-”

“I don’t want to see her.”

Kuroo stopped dead. “I don’t understand.”

“I don’t want to see her.” Tsukishima repeated, more slowly. The look on his face was almost begging- _don’t make me do this again_. “I told you, Tetsurou, so many times. I don’t want her. I don’t want a baby.”

Kuroo couldn’t help it- his face fell. He needed, he knew, to stop talking himself into the idea that it would be fine when it never, ever would. Now he had to break the promise that he’d made to his daughter, about the three of them, together. He sat back, pulling away from the bed, but Tsukishima’s weak hand darted out to grab him.

“Please don’t go.” He murmured. “I know- I know it’s hard for you. I know you want to see her. But I almost died, Tetsu. I need my alpha.”

Kuroo closed his eyes. It was true- he had almost lost Kei. Having the omega leave for a different country was terrible, but it could never have compared to knowing that he was gone from the world entirely. 

“Yeah.” He murmured. “Sorry, it’s- I’m so tired. Of course I’ll stay.” He promised. Satisfied, the omega shifted along the bed slightly, making room. Kuroo took the hint and climbed up, pulling his mate into his arms and burying his face in his hair, just inhaling the scent of him for a moment and marvelling at it. _Alive alive alive_. When he tilted his head up to kiss him, it was desperate and deep.

In the back of his head, he remembered how furious Akiteru had been that his brother was being taken from him; that even if Kei survived he wouldn’t stay in Japan. _This is the last time I will ever hold him like this_ , Kuroo thought wonderingly. _And it is all my fault_.

 

***

 

Tsukishima’s complications had been too severe and his surgery to invasive for him to be discharged immediately, so what was meant to be a simple birth became instead a week-long hospital stay. It wasn’t all bad; it was a nice way for Kuroo’s family and friends to meet the new baby without tramping through their home and disturbing Tsukishima while he recovered from giving birth. His sisters were delighted with their new niece, and Bokuto had started calling himself _Uncle Kou_ even before he visited for the first time. Akaashi rolled his eyes, but he was so gentle with the baby and touched her like she was such a precious thing that Kuroo idly wondered how long it would take his friends to have children, too. His daughter had been an accident, but the fierce love he held for her regardless made her the best thing that had ever happened to him. Even Akiteru, mellowed by the news that his brother would recover, grinned and laughed and cooed to his niece when he came to visit her.

He just wished that people would stop asking about her name. He knew it had to be awkward, referring to her as ‘baby girl,’ all of the time, but he refused to name her without Tsukishima’s input. It would be wrong, he insisted to himself and anyone who asked, to name a child without their mother agreeing, and ignored the pitying looks he was given in return.

Because Tsukishima’s disinterest was unparalleled. He had not been to see the baby once since giving birth to her, and even though Kuroo knew he hadn’t been discharged yet from the hospital, he wouldn’t even come to see his mate. He spent his time locked in his own room, speaking only to Akiteru and occasionally Akaashi, recoiling when the midwives asked if he wanted to meet his daughter yet, if they could have breastmilk, anything that reminded him that he was a mother.

Kuroo hated it. He hated how cruelly his hopes had been dashed; he hated how much it still worried him that Tsukishima insisted on isolating himself, even now; he hated how every time he looked down at his daughter’s eyes he was just reminded that his mate was disgusted by the idea of her- that his mate was _leaving_ her, and Kuroo, the both of them abandoned in Tokyo while he left for school. Kuroo wanted to be bitter, angry, but the depth of his sadness was too great.

He just wished Tsukishima would see her. The situation was bad enough without the knowledge that his baby, the most precious thing in his life, was being denied a mother.

Their daughter was almost a week old now, and every day of her life had been filled with smiles and visitors and gifts, and the utmost care and attention from her father. If Tsukishima refused to accept that he was a mother, Kuroo told himself, then he would be good enough for two parents on his own.

He was up late at night, sitting in an armchair again as he cradled his daughter. She’d woken up hungry and fussy, so he fed her while the rest of the hospital was dark and quiet around them; the whole world was silent, with everyone else asleep and no sound but the soft, affectionate way he murmured to his baby.

The sound of a door being opened was momentous in that silence. Kuroo glanced up immediately, and for a moment he almost didn’t recognise the tall, slender silhouette in the doorway. Then he did.

“Kei?”

Tsukishima moved forwards, closing the door quietly behind himself. He approached the chair the way one would approach an easily-startled animal- or, he was the animal, tense and ready to bolt at any moment with the whites of his eyes showing from fear. He stopped finally to crouch at Kuroo’s knee, his throat bobbing in the low light as he gazed at the bundle in the alpha’s arms.

“Is this her?” He asked, soft and gentle.

Kuroo had a smart, sarcastic reply on the tip of his tongue, something like _no, Kei, I stole a random baby_. But he couldn’t do it. He hadn’t seen his omega in almost a week, and his daughter _never_ had. He couldn’t ruin he moment by startling him. 

“Yeah,” He smiled faintly instead, shifting a little closer to Tsukishima so that he could see the baby better. He tilted his head, once again wearing that expression of detached curiosity devoid of emotion. _So this is what I made_. “This is our daughter.”

Tsukishima nodded once. He swallowed again, and then lifted a hand as if to touch her before withdrawing. This close, Kuroo realised finally that the smell of pregnancy had faded from Tsukishima; but the baby had his scent, less sweet and more subtle but still _his_.

He took a deep breath.

“Kei?” Kuroo kept his voice gentle, still treating as mate as he would a nervous doe. “Do you want to hold her?” She was his daughter. It was in her eyes, in her scent. Tsukishima could ignore it if he wanted to, but he couldn’t deny it.

“No.” His voice sounded broken when he replied, wrenched apart; and finally, _finally_ Kuroo truly realised that he couldn’t even begin to imagine what Tsukishima was feeling, what he had gone through to bring their baby into the world. 

How he had been hurt.

“I just want to- can I just…?” Tsukishima waited until he saw Kuroo nod before he reached out to stroke the baby’s dark hair. His breath went shaky when he touched her, and he withdrew after only a few moments; withdrew entirely, standing up and hugging himself as he backed away.

Kuroo watched him go, and let him. There would be time to talk in the morning, and right now, _time_ was what Tsukishima needed.

He had to tell him one thing, though.

“She has your eyes.” The alpha explained gently. “Your eyes exactly- it’s amazing. Same colour, same shape; they’re so beautiful. _She’s_ beautiful, Kei- we made a wonderful thing. Everyone loves her.” _I hope that one day you can, too._

Tsukishima said nothing. He simply stood and watched, a silent and serene figure in the dark for the longest few moments of Kuroo’s life before he slipped out of the door and disappeared.

 

***

 

Hope was a horrible thing, and Kuroo knew now to crush it as soon as it came. He did not _hope_ ; but he thought, intently, about Tsukishima’s visit all night. If he had come to see the baby then there must have been some interest- he hadn’t even touched Kuroo after all, not since they’d lain in bed together after his surgery. He didn’t try to tell himself again that his daughter was loved by her mother, but he acknowledged the fact that she could be. There was something there, some sliver of a chance; and even if there wasn’t, Kuroo still loved his mate. He wanted to see him again no matter what, to kiss him and hold him while he still could.

He left the baby with his mother to take care off while he made his way to Tsukishima’s room in the hospital. He approached carefully, his knock quiet and gentle. When minutes passed with no response, Kuroo opened the door on his own.

The room inside was clinically bare and empty, the white sheets folded over and tucked into the white mattress like Tsukishima had never inhabited the space at all.

Kuroo’s heart sank.

_Don’t panic_. 

He forced himself not to think, about any possibility at all, as he made his way downstairs to the reception. He was Tsukishima’s mate, his next of kin; if he asked what had happened to him, they had to tell him.

“He was discharged this morning, good as new,” The bubbly receptionist replied, apparently under the impression that this was good news. “He left just after dawn.”

_Don’t panic. Don’t panic_.

Kuroo called Akiteru.

“Where’s Kei?”

“Gone.” Akiteru replied, and Kuroo knew immediately that he had been crying just as he knew intimately that he was about to start. “He’s gone. His plane left an hour ago.”

“Okay.” Kuroo’s voice was remarkably calm, for the situation. “Thank you for letting me know.”

Kuroo hung up.

Tsukishima had left without telling him.

He had gone without saying goodbye.

The alpha was in a trance as he collected his daughter and the things she’d accumulated during her first few days of life, as well as his own belongings. He fastened her into a car seat in a cab and sat beside her and saw nothing, felt nothing as he gazed blankly out of the window at the rushing city passing by.

Tsukishima was gone.

He hadn’t been able to say goodbye.

He was bringing his baby home by himself; she would never know her mother.

Kuroo knew what to expect when he returned to he and Tsukishima’s apartment, but seeing it still nearly destroyed him.

Their home had been gutted. Anything that belonged to Tsukishima had been taken; the closets hung gaping open and empty, the bed bare without its cushions, walls stark and sterile white like the hospital without the art the omega had picked out for them. Each new empty space was a new tear in Kuroo’s heart, driving him closer and closer to the final break. He was alone, alone, empty and alone.

Knowing that Tsukishima had been leaving was a world of difference to actually having him gone. The apartment felt empty, too large and hollow with his belongings stripped out of it. 

It was the twenty first century; not everyone mated for life anymore. Kuroo had heard enough stories of people who’d lost bond mates, either through death or just growing apart, to know it was supposed to be awful; but nothing could have prepared him for actually feeling it. It was a physical pain that started in his gut and sliced up through his chest, as if he was being wrought into two halves- like Tsukishima had taken his heart with him when he left and left behind a knife to twist in his stomach. He couldn’t breathe through it, his eyes wide and fingers trembling.

It was a terrible thing, to lose someone that he had promised to share half of his soul with. Kuroo had no idea how anyone was supposed to recover from it.

In his arms, his daughter began to cry.

Immediately, Kuroo was distracted from his pain as his eyes went to the child. She wasn’t a loud crier, just sobbed softly and squirmed in his arms to show her displeasure. 

“No, no, shh.” He murmured softly, moving back towards the door. The alpha cradled the baby in one arm as he reached into the bag he’d brought back from the hospital to grab one of her bottles, already full of formula. “Don’t cry…”

It was blessedly easy to forget, for now, about Tsukishima as he sat down on the couch with his daughter, rocking her gently and trying to soothe her crying.

“It’s okay… you miss your mommy, right? I do too… it’s okay, though, I promise. We’ll be okay on our own, we can manage- please don’t cry, sweetie…”

With something to drink, the baby settled eventually, blinking up at him with her large, golden eyes. He’d fallen in love with those eyes years ago, in someone else’s face.

“Amaterasu.” Kuroo murmured, gently, stroking his daughter’s dark and messy hair. “We’re alright, see? We’ll be alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am so, so sorry both for how long this chapter took to write, and _how long_ it is in general. the length of time can be explained by the fact that i’ve spent the past month preparing to move across the country for university, then actually doing it. on the bright side i now have a lovely view of the skyline while writing; perfect for waxing lyrical about "the simultaneous intimacy and isolation” of city life


	9. Retrospective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Retrospective:** _(adjective)_ looking back on or dealing with past events or situations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took so long because university is KICKING my ASS

_Present Day_

 

Tsukishima hated how easy it was to simply carry on.

              After he had given birth five years ago, he had dreamed of his daughter every night for months on end. They were simple, sweet dreams; he simply imagined rocking and cradling her, singing to her. In one, recurring dream, he would wake from his bed in the early morning and wander downstairs, his hand trailing idly over the banister, to find Kuroo in the kitchen feeding their baby with a smile on his face that Tsukishima mirrored. The baby in his dreams never aged. She was frozen at the last moment that he had seen her, seven days old and tiny.

Tsukishima never saw her again, after that last visit in the hospital. No doubt every space Kuroo inhabited on the internet was plastered with pictures and posts documenting Amaterasu’s every day of life, but the omega didn’t believe in social media and he had cut all contact with his once-mate when he left. He was aware, distantly, that Amaterasu must be growing up. But she was doing it without him, and with no news or photographs to mark her milestones, and Tsukishima throwing himself as deeply into his work as he could at every opportunity, the dreams his daughter stopped coming, and he stopped thinking about her during the day too.

Over the past few days, since he had last been to Kuroo’s house, the dreams of Amaterasu had returned. Some of them were the same as years before, but others were new: pushing her on the swings at the park, reading her strange and eerie bedtime stories, or a picture-perfect memory of the way he had carefully braided her hair. Kuroo was an ever-present figure in the dreams, always hovering at the edges, watching with a look of approval at what a good mother Tsukishima was being.

              But his dreams were the only time that he thought about Amaterasu, or her father. In the waking hours, Tsukishima’s life went on. He woke up, went to work, returned to his flat and slept. It was the sort of endless, inane routine that he had always found deeply comforting. He liked it when things were static and unchanging, things that could always be relied upon.

He hadn’t spoken to Kuroo since the night that he had asked him to babysit, ignoring the few calls that the alpha made in the days immediately after until he got the hint and stopped trying to get in touch. It was frighteningly easy to cut him out again, even after the pains he had gone to trying to get him back.

Tsukishima had not fled; he had looked Kuroo in the eyes when he asked his question. He’d held his ground when he replied _not ever_ , and said that he needed to get home, and denied the alpha’s request to show him out. No, he had not fled, because fleeing would be pathetic. But he was still running, he knew, away from that word _mother_. He couldn’t stand the sound of it. Echoing his past abandonment of the alpha was easy once he’d heard that curse on his lips.

Tsukishima Kei was no one’s mother. Kuroo Amaterasu shared half of his DNA; he had conceived her and borne her, but she was not his daughter. He’d rejected that, renounced it, cut all ties possible between she and he. He had no rights to her, and that was how he had always wanted it to be.

He had always wanted it to be him and Kuroo together, too; but he would rather himself alone than to take on Kuroo’s child.

              _I am alone but I am not lonely_ , Tsukishima told himself as he went to and from work, as he gazed out at the boundless city before him while he ate; each window another life that he would never be privy to, just as long and vivid as his own. He was a creature that thrived in solitude and small groups of those he cared for, and he was fine.

He was fine. Paradoxically, the more true it became the less he felt it. He survived just as well in Tokyo as he had before Kuroo had came back to him, but each time he woke from a dream of his daughter he felt less and less so.

Tsukishima sat one night and watched the sunset from the small breakfast bar that served as his kitchen table, his hands spread out in front of him. They were pale and slender, long-fingered, like white spiders. His nails were cut short to fit beneath his gloves when he worked in the lab, but manicured into perfect half moons. They were hands suited for the handling of old things, with care and a gentle touch, but they seemed fragile enough to break with strong movements. He could not see his hands touching and holding Amaterasu the way that Kuroo’s had. His hands, short though his nails may have been, were claws when he looked at them.

_Monstrous_.

It wasn’t the word for how he felt but it was close enough that he kept it. Every minute that passed by in which he _coped_ made the black ink stain in his chest grow larger and spread. How could it be possible that he was fine? He was far from Kuroo, who he would never get back; he had abandoned his own child for a second time, and she barely even knew him. And yet he was fine. _Only a monster_ , he mused, folding his hands on the table, _could be so coolly logical_.

The ink stain made breathing difficult sometimes, but he preferred it to the alternative. Monstrous he might have been, but at least he was sparing himself pain.

He moved on. The passage of time came day by day, each one unerringly similar to the last. There was comfort in it, though. Tsukishima was a static creature, a lover of the routine.

              The routine lasted several days until it broke. He was heading back to the metro station from the museum after a day of work, an umbrella held up above his head to guard against the rain, when his phone rang in his pocket. Still running on the autopilot that he trusted to take him from point A to point B, he fished the phone out and answered the call, bringing it to his ear without sparing so much as a moment’s glance to the name that had popped up on the black screen.

“Tsukishima Kei speaking.”

“Good evening, darling. I was just thinking that I hadn't called you in a while.”

At the sound of the voice on the other end of the line, Tsukishima actually stopped dead in his tracks, the phone almost slipping through his limp fingers as his lips parted in surprise and he stared dead ahead. It was only when someone shoved roughly into his shoulder as they pushed their way past him that he remembered he was, in fact, standing in the middle of a busy street and meant to be _walking_ somewhere. Hastily, he stepped off to the side, retreating to a quieter alleyway where he might be able to talk. Anyone else, he would have told to fuck off until he was home, but he couldn’t do that now. His voice had jumped a few octaves by the time he replied, prim and formally proper.

“Mother.” The omega leaned back against the wall of the alley, for once not thinking about the grime as he let himself sag against the brick. His golden eyes fluttered closed momentarily as he gathered himself. “Hello. It has been a while.”

“I thought I would let you settle in before I started bothering you.” Maemi laughed, high and bell-like and _false_. It was a good imitation of a real laugh- almost flawless, even. But Tsukishima had known her for as long as he had been alive, and he could see it for what it was.

His grip tightened on his phone, just a little. He wondered if that was what he sounded like when he laughed. He could already hear the echoes of his voice on her own, falteringly polite and stiffly formal enough to disguise the knife edge beneath, threatening to cut at a moment’s notice.

“You’re never bothering me, Mother.” Tsukishima assured her. Of course she wasn’t; these calls were never long or deep, always just a cursory check-in to keep up the appearance of being a good parent. It had been the same when he’d been back in Miyagi, every visit ruthlessly efficient; tea, a polite conversation, a cold kiss on a cool cheek. Tsukishima didn’t think his parents had hugged him since he’d started middle school.

“Ah, but I know you’re busy- you have your job, after all. How is Tokyo?” The curiosity in Maemi’s voice was feigned as skilfully as her laughter, and Tsukishima scrambled for a short enough summary to suffice for an answer. He’d spent too long around Kuroo and Amaterasu, people who actually _wanted_ to hear him ramble.

“It’s hardly changed since I’ve left. I like it here.” That was good enough. He glanced furtively back towards the mouth of the alley, wondering how much longer his mother would keep him. Something about trying to engage her always reminded him of how, so often, he felt like a puppet on strings; going through the motions of being a human without actually _feeling_ it. Weren’t most people supposed to be close with their parents? Love them? Tsukishima’s only family was his brother.

“That’s good. I’ve spoken to Akiteru; it seems like he’s been worried about you.” Tsukishima’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “Why would he be worried?”

“Because of Kuroo Tetsurou, I imagine.” Tsukishima’s mother replied, and his stomach dropped.

“Excuse me?”

“Akiteru mentioned that you’d been seeing him again.” Maemi explained, infallibly polite, while Tsukishima’s grip tightened on his phone. _Traitor,_ he thought, and then immediately regretted it- there was no way Akiteru would have mentioned Kuroo on purpose, and Tsukishima hadn’t even told him not to bring it up that they’d been seeing each other again. He just couldn’t help himself around their parents, talking and rambling about their children’s lives; he wanted them to be a _family_ , the idealised kind who actually cared for and interacted with each other. He’d have wet himself if he ever met Kuroo’s parents.

Surely, though, Tsukishima thought, even Akiteru’s wilful ignorance to the kind of people that the Tsukishimas really were couldn’t have stopped him from realising how intensely they’d disliked Kuroo the whole time that he’d been dating him. There was no place for him in their perfect little life. He was the antithesis of the alpha they’d wanted for their son, with his unmarried, unmated parents and wealth of step and half sisters, his unambitious career and the part-time job he’d had to work through high school simply because his family couldn’t support themselves without the extra income.

Tsukishima’s parents were snobs, he knew, and awful people. He’d only begun to realise in high school that he was kind of a snob, too, and worked ever since at countering it, because he didn’t want to be awful. _Sarcastic, frequently cruel_ , didn’t have to mean _awful_. He shuddered at the thought of becoming his mother.

“You don’t have to worry,” He assured her over the phone. The omega’s voice was as quiet and perfectly polite as it had been since he had picked up the call, but now it was edged with ice. Whatever he and Kuroo had was finished for good now, he was quite sure, but he wouldn’t stand for the disapproving tone in Maemi’s voice when she spoke about him. He had loved- he _did_ love- the alpha, and he hated how his parents had rejected his choice in a mate just because he didn’t have the right sort of upbringing. “I haven’t spoken to Kuroo in a while. I ran into him in the city and we saw each other a few times, but that’s all. Akiteru is worrying over nothing. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to miss my train-”

“I thought the metro came every few minutes?” Maemi’s voice was falsely innocent. Tsukishima bit his lip when he realised that tone was so familiar because of how often he used it himself.

“It does, but I’d like to catch this one. I’m… tired.” He finished half-heartedly. “I’m sorry, mother. I can call you again tomorrow.”

“You’re just tired?”

“Yes. That’s all- it’s been a long day at work.” He lied so easily; it was breathtaking.

“It’s nothing to do with the child, then?”

Tsukishima froze. He felt, physically, his breath turn to ice inside of his throat. His heart beat in time with the only thought left in his head: _no, no, no, no_. It wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be. Only Akiteru knew, and Akiteru would never…

“What do you mean?” Tsukishima asked after a beat, the words slow on his tongue. His mouth was dry. He dreaded the answer. Slowly, he moved deeper into the alley, away from the noise and bustle of the world; this was not a moment that needed witnesses.

“I mean your _daughter_ , Kei.”

The roar from the street was the roar in his ears. Tsukishima clapped his other hand over the phone that felt suddenly too heavy for his grip, needing to hold it up. He stared dead ahead, and saw nothing.

“How did you know?” He whispered. He had never wanted her to. He had never told her, and had made sure that nobody else would either. Akiteru aside, the knowledge of his pregnancy and Amaterasu’s birth was never supposed to have gotten back to anyone in his family.

“I’m not an idiot, Kei,” Maemi’s voice was clipped and cool, and Tsukishima realised his fingers were shaking? Was she angry? He probably would have been, if his son had kept something this enormous from him. “And I know how to use the internet. When you don’t come home for nine months and your boyfriend suddenly has a daughter, I can put two and two together.”

_At least Akiteru didn’t tell her_ , he thought distantly, hysteria edging his mental voice. _At least I still have that_.

“Why didn’t you say something before?” He whispered into the phone. “If… if you knew.” It would have been one more person to share his secrets with, at least. After he’d moved to America, he hadn’t told any of his classmates or coworkers that he’d had a child. He was utterly alone in that knowledge.

“You seemed to be handling it just fine by yourself.” Maemi replied simply. “Besides- you didn’t tell me, so you obviously didn’t want to talk about it with me. I don’t know why you didn’t just have a termination, but walking away was the best thing you could have done in that situation; I’m proud of you for being clear-headed. You could never have had a child at twenty-two, out of wedlock, and with _Kuroo-_ ”

“Mother,” Tsukishima gasped, his voice sharper than he’d intended it to be. He didn’t care. He felt like he was going to be sick. He had simply known that he had to get her to _stop_ _talking_ , and maybe then the world would stop spinning. He couldn’t bear the sound of _his_ mother _congratulating_ him on something that he couldn’t even stand to think about without feeling sick with guilt. “I really do have to catch my train. I’ll call you later, I promise.”

“Oh- yes. Of course, Kei.” The edge had gone out of her voice, back to being sunnily polite. Tsukishima wondered if she realised she had overstepped, but no- that was impossible. Anything that Maemi did, in her own mind, could never be wrong. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Soon.” Tsukishima echoed. “Goodbye, mother.” Somehow, he maneuvered his shaking fingers to press the button that ended the call.

                  The ride home on the metro felt like a dream. He was quietly dazed, unsettled in his skin, to adrift in his own mind to actually remember to put his headphones in and pass the journey by with music. His motions were mechanical as he made his way to his building, to the elevator, through the front door; removing his shoes and hanging up his coat, all the automatic motions made so easy by the autopilot in his head. Existing, not living, the same way he had been since he last saw Kuroo.

It was only once he made his way to his kitchenette to start making dinner that he realized what was wrong. It hit him almost physically, a desperate hand clutching at the counter for support as he brought the other to his mouth to muffle the wretched noise he made.

His mother had _known_. This whole time, she had known that she had a granddaughter, that her son had been pregnant. That- those nine months had been the worst of Tsukishima’s life. He still felt sick to think of what it had been like, a sick stranger in his own skin, his stomach turning with morning sickness and the _wrongness_ of another person occupying the space in his body. He’d hated it, and no one _understood_ \- none of his friends had ever carried a child, and Kuroo was too enamored with the idea of their baby to even take note of his mate’s discomfort. He rarely thought of his pregnancy because he couldn’t bear to remember it; especially not the slow drift of his alpha away from him, a tearing of his soul that it took him nine months to finally break away from. Leaving had been the hardest thing he’d ever done, but it had been a relief to finally be able to breathe; to have the separation complete instead of torturing him, tempting him with the idea that he might be able to fix what was broken and stay.

It had been hell. There was no other way to think about it. And his mother had known- not that he was suffering, of course, but that he was pregnant- and she had done nothing, said nothing, made no attempt to reach out to him and offer him some kind of support.

Tsukishima didn’t understand why the fingers clutched over his mouth were wet until he heard the first muffled sob escape his throat. He stumbled and collapsed onto one of the stools at the bench, hiding his face in his hands as he cried. He trembled, shaking so hard he felt like he might come apart at the seams. It was everything, all at once: the mate he had lost and the daughter he’d abandoned, the mother that had never been there for him and the weight on his shoulders from walking through the whole world alone. Five years of struggling and telling himself that it was foolish and useless to cry came down on him all at once, and he wept and wailed into his lonely, silent apartment until it was hard to breathe.

Tsukishima cried for a long time.

When he was done, he did the only think that his spinning, muddled mind could think to do. He called his big brother for help.

“Kei!” Akiteru’s voice was as sweet and bright as ever when he got in touched with him, excited to hear anything and everything that the omega had to say. It stung, somehow, Tsukishima unsure how he could muster such cheerfulness when he was sitting at his counter in floods of tears- not that Akiteru would know that, but still. “How are you?”

“Everything’s shit.” Tsukishima hadn’t tried to plan out what he wanted to say to his brother, but it hadn’t been _that_. He didn’t care- it was true, spilling forth from his mouth in a gasping burst of emotion, and before he knew it he was crying again; his head falling forwards as he tried and failed to contain his hitching sobs.

“ _Kei_?” Akiteru’s voice had gone high and panicked, but Tsukishima couldn’t find the breath to reply to him. “Kei, what is it? What happened? Do you need me to come by?”

“No.” He managed, finally. He could only speak in between hiccups, his long fingers trembling against his salt-stained lips, but it was still better than being wholly voiceless. “No, it’s- I’m-” The lies wouldn’t come. He forced his eyes shut, more hot tears coursing down his cheeks, and spoke in a hasty rush. “Did you know that Mom knew?”

The confusion in Akiteru’s voice was obvious, but Tsukishima needed a moment- _several_ moments- to pull himself together before he could try to explain anything. “Knew what, Kei?”

“About Amaterasu.” He said, and his brother went dead silent on the other end of the phone. For a moment, Tsukishima actually thought that he had hung up on him, but then he spoke again.

“No.” Akiteru murmured. “God, Kei, no, I had no idea… she knows?”

“She knows.” Tsukishima echoed. He had finally managed to fight the tears off again, but the absence of sobbing left his voice dead and listless.

“I thought…” Akiteru paused. “I thought about it. It- being pregnant, having a kid, it’s a hard thing to hide. And she said things sometimes that made me think, but I knew you hadn’t told her so I just thought, no, she can’t know… _you_ didn’t know she knew?”

“I had no idea.” Tsukishima laughed bitterly, his fingers shaking as he struggled to keep his grip on the phone. He just wanted to crawl into his bed and curl up beneath the sheets, never to come out, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to rest without talking to someone. His heart ( _no_ , he insisted firmly, _his omega instincts_ ) still cried out for his alpha’s comfort, but he knew Kuroo wouldn’t have picked up if he’d dared to even try. Besides- no one was familiar with his mother’s coldness like Akiteru was. He’d grown up with it too, even if he was better at denial. “I had no idea, but- she knew. She knew the whole time and never said a word. She could have- _done_ something, you know how fucking miserable I was when I was pregnant, Aki, but she just ignored it. She ignored _me_. Like she always _has_.” The words were a flood that he was helpless to stop, his voice climbing to higher and higher octaves as his distress mounted. “And I’m _just like her_. I never fucking wanted kids because I knew, I _knew_ I would be the same shitty kind of mother that she is and _I am_ , I abandoned my daughter just like she did to us-” He broke off as the sobs came again, muffled by the way he had his face in his hands, stuffing his long fingers into his own mouth to try and silence himself. He felt pathetic when he cried.

“Kei, no.” Akiteru insisted urgently, desperate to get his brother to listen even if he was miles away from him. “You’re not like her. It’s like- it’s like you said, right? You thought you wouldn’t be a good mother. When you… when you left Amaterasu, you were doing it to protect her. Not just because you couldn’t be bothered.”

“I wish that was true.” Tsukishima whispered. “I just didn’t want kids. I’m so- _awful_ , Akiteru, she should hate me…”

“You’ve met her?”

He hadn’t even mentioned that part to his brother, Tsukishima realized. He’d been too busy trying to keep every little thing all to himself.

“Yeah.” He murmured. “A couple of weeks ago- it was an accident. But I’ve seen her a few more times since then…” And all of them had been deliberate. He chose to go to pick her up from the Kuroo household, to watch her that night when her father was at work.

“God… what was it like?”

“Hard.” Tsukishima forced a small, wobbly smile. “Really…. really fucking hard.”

“What’s _she_ like?” There was interest in Akiteru’s voice now; Tsukishima heard it. And with a jolt, he realized he understood why- he had never met her, not since those first few visits in the hospital when she was barely a week old. Tsukishima had told him, at the same time he told him not to tell their parents, that he wasn’t allowed to introduce himself to her- she wasn’t to know anything about who her mother was. It was one of the things he’d made clear once he knew he would be leaving, supposedly never to return, and he tried to tidy things up for Kuroo and the child as neatly as possible. He didn’t want leftover threads of his life to tangle with his daughter’s and complicate things for her. Amaterasu wouldn’t be allowed any contact with her mother’s side of the family, lest it stir up questions that might make her miss what she had never had. He saw now that he’d been depriving Akiteru of something he wanted, too- he knew his brother, and if the circumstances hadn’t made Tsukishima so miserable, he would have been _so_ excited to be an uncle.

“She’s sweet.” Tsukishima replied finally, curling up on himself a little more as he cradled the phone in his hands. “Very sweet, and pretty- I’ve never seen her not happy and smiling about something.” He was smiling too, a little. Affection and unpleasantness warred inside him when he thought about Amaterasu. He was charmed by her because he was her mother, and yet the thought of her make him panic, because he was her mother. He didn’t know what to do with everything he held inside of him- perhaps he should have been grateful that Kuroo wanted nothing more to do with him. At least then he didn’t have to have anything more to do with Amaterasu.

He just wished that he was still sure avoiding her was what he wanted. Meeting her had made it so hard to tell; he kept going back to that moment of combing through her long, dark hair and braiding it before she went to bed. It had reminded him of those small, spare moments where the constant background hum of horror at his pregnancy faded away and he allowed himself to feel something like affection- it had been hard not to. She needed him so much, her life tied to his body. Braiding her hair reminded him of that, the small act of giving care to someone who needed it more than he did somehow comforting and infinitely sweet. If it had felt like that the whole time, instead of being mixed in with fear and disgust, perhaps he would have stayed.

It was too late for all that, now.

“She likes dinosaurs.” He continued, his voice dropping almost into a murmur. “And strawberries.” His breath hitched- he was nearing tears again, like now that the floodgates of the past five years had been opened he would never be able to stop crying. “And she has my eyes, Aki.” She was _his_ , the thought that made his heart leap and his stomach twist every time he thought about it. His daughter that he had abandoned.

“She sounds sweet.” Tsukishima was infinitely grateful that was all Akiteru said. He squeezed his eyes shut to try and hold his tears back, nodding his head slowly until he had regained some semblance of his usually unbreakable composure.

“She is.” He breathed out finally. “I don’t… I’m not even sure how I’m supposed to feel about her, Aki. I _hate_ kids, you know what I’m like, and I never wanted them, but she exists anyway and it’s-” He gasped softly. “Different.” He wondered, if he had allowed himself to hold her when she was born, to spend time with her and Kuroo… if things would have turned out differently.

He hated this, a sick feeling inside him the longer he dwelled on it. He wasn’t the _dwelling_ kind- everything he lived for was logic and order. But lately things had become so confused.

“But it doesn’t matter.” Akiteru had been about to say something else- Tsukishima heard it- but he didn’t give him time to finish. “Not anymore. I’ll see her at Bokuto and Akaashi’s wedding, probably, and then… not ever again.” He sighed.

“Why not?”

Tsukishima’s smile was small and bitter.

“Kuroo hates me.” He confided, a small shiver running through him with the admission. “Or- he wants nothing to do with me. Not unless I can accept her. Which is fine, she’s his daughter…” He shook his head. “But I can’t do that. I still love him so much, but- none of it matters anymore. I can’t take back what I fucked up.”

“I think you could do it.”

Tsukishima went still and silent, hoping the quiet was enough to prompt Akiteru to speak.

“You obviously don’t hate her.” His brother pointed out, in the gentle voice that had usually been reserved for when Kei was being a misbehaving, difficult child. “I know kids aren’t your thing, and you’ll never want her, but you could… tolerate her. If you love Kuroo so much.” There was something hopeful about the way that he said it.

“She deserves more than being _tolerated_.” Tsukishima said, after a long silence. There was a small noise on the other end of the phone, and he imagined his brother smiling.

“See? That sounds an awful lot like you care.”

Tsukishima blinked- quiet, again, for a few surprised moments. Then he cleared his throat.

“Thank you for listening to me, Akiteru. I think I really needed to talk to someone about it.”

“It’s no problem, Kei.” He definitely knew that voice. _I am not a difficult child._

_I did not mean to grow up to be a difficult adult._

He put the phone down and the thoughts out of his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't you guys love filler. i love filler


	10. Matrimony

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Matrimony:** _(noun)_ the state of being married; marriage.

Something about weddings made Tsukishima feel so strange. He had only ever been to two: when Akiteru had gotten married, and when the whole Karasuno volleyball team had been invited to their captain and vice-captain’s wedding right out of high school. That had been the worst one.

As far as he was concerned, there was an unerring sense of permanence about the idea of marriage. Mating was a big decision, but at least it was a reversible one- Tsukishima knew that all too well. Marriage was reversible too, he supposed, but it took considerably more effort. When his old teammates had gotten married everyone had smiled and laughed and cried, drank too much and danced badly. People were so _happy_ for them. Tsukishima hadn’t understood it- watching the pair of them promise to love each other for the rest of their lives had put the fear of God into him. He wanted to grab the people celebrating by their shoulders and shake them until they snapped out of it. Didn’t they understand that love wasn’t real?

He knew that was wrong- of course it was real. He had experienced it himself, after all. But it didn’t _last_. The promises made at the altar seemed laughably naïve, and yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong with him for not understanding why people would do it anyway. Even when he had been deeply in love, marriage had never crossed Tsukishima’s mind. It just seemed like an unnecessary complication in what was a beautifully uncomplicated thing.

At Akiteru’s wedding, Tsukishima mostly just remembered the reception, where he had watched his parents. Saeko was laughing madly as Akiteru spun her around on the dancefloor- his brother had two left feet, but what he lacked in grace he more than made up for in enthusiasm. But Tsukishima’s eyes were on their parents where they sat at their table, not getting up to dance even once all night; how they had whispered together, and laughed cruelly, and shot Saeko dirty looks when they thought neither she nor her new husband were looking. The curl of his mother’s lip when she sneered was caught forever in his head.  
They didn’t approve of her. She was too crass, too unladylike, from a family that they didn’t wish to associate with. They’d been married for years now and they had still never warmed up to her.

Kuroo had squeezed Tsukishima’s hand under the table, and he had thought quietly to himself, _I could never do this_. Not just because he didn’t want to get married, but because he couldn’t stand the thought of feeling his parents’ dark gazes on him the whole time. They had never approved of Kuroo, either.

(Tsukishima remembered that he’d danced with Kuroo that night, too; the alpha had persuaded him out of his seat when the slow songs came on. Tsukishima couldn’t dance, but he had laid his hands against Kuroo’s chest while they turned in slow circles on the dance floor, his head resting gently on his shoulder. It was another memory that he preferred not to dwell on any more.)

                  This wedding was the same as that others had been. Tsukishima had never seen anyone beam as brightly as Bokuto was, standing at the altar in his white suit as he gripped and squeezed Akaashi’s hands. The beta’s face was turned away slightly, towards the people assembled watching either side of the aisle, his teeth digging into his lower lip as he tried not to laugh at his fiancé’s boundless enthusiasm. Or his husband’s enthusiasm, he supposed; it was jarring to think that as simple an action as Akaashi turning his head back towards Bokuto and allowing himself to be kissed could change so much. It was considerably more dramatic when the alpha wrapped his arms around his mate and dipped him, drawing laugh’s from the guests, but it was still strange to know how much more weight the gesture held than it seemed to. Just like that, Bokuto and Akaashi were married.

It shook him. Tsukishima had filed himself away in a seat in the corner towards the back, where he was out of the way of prying eyes and he could easily choose to avoid nervously searching the seats for a familiar face. He was glad of it, now, since he was sure he looked ill. Marriage just seemed such a _grown-up_ thing to do- which was a ridiculous thought, because he had had a _baby_ , but he thought it anyway. They couldn’t take it back. Even now he was closer to thirty than not, he still wasn’t sure when adulthood had snuck up upon him. He’d always acted grown up, but actually being it was different. It was so scary to realise that they were all getting old.                

                  Perhaps he was good at hiding his nervous apprehension, but it was impossible for Tsukishima to escape the one thing that he really wanted to. There was no possible way that Kuroo _wouldn’t_ have been Bokuto’s best man. He stood at the front of the room, smiling sweetly as he watched the happy couple kiss and clapping Bokuto on the back with a laugh when he straightened up. His hair was still as much of a mess as Tsukishima had ever seen it, but the suit he was wearing made him look more dashing than he had any right to. He ached to look at him; he wondered if Kuroo even realised he’d actually turned up to the wedding, since he had gone out of his way to avoid running into him. He wondered if he would have cared, if he had known.

                  Neither Bokuto or Akaashi were particularly religious people; the venue they had chosen for their wedding was simply a beautiful old hotel, with one room for the ceremony and the ballroom for the reception. While the wedding party filed outside to take photographs in the garden, the rest of the guests headed for the ballroom where people who had been invited to the reception but not the ceremony would be arriving. Tsukishima followed, blending in with the throng of people and playing nervously with the cuffs of his best shirt.

The ballroom was beautiful- Akaashi must have picked the décor, Tsukishima mused, because Bokuto would never have managed anything this tasteful. Circular tables covered by white clothes were tucked intimately together, leaving enough space in the rest of the room for dancing later; the ceiling was strung with white gossamer and pink faery lights, held up by pillars painted brown to mimic the trunks of sakura trees. The high arched windows flanked French doors that would be opened later to let the guests spill out into the carefully groomed grounds where more string lights and elegant lampposts waited like silent sentinels to illuminate the winding paths through the grass when darkness fell.

Tsukishima wandered through the maze of dinner tables, his eyes flitting from place card to place card. Technically, he knew he was here as Kuroo’s plus-one; since the alpha hadn’t brought one, there was a spare seat at the wedding. But in practice, Kuroo would be seated up at the top table with the rest of the bridal party, safely out of Tsukishima’s way. He had no idea where he himself had been put- but he did circle one of the tables a little too widely, recognising one of the names on the place cards as one of Bokuto’s older sisters. Specifically, the one he remembered from discussing wedding plans with Akaashi as having been saddled with the job of managing the one long table where all the children were being seated. Amaterasu wasn’t there yet- he had seen her during the ceremony as one of the younger bridesmaids, so she would be outside taking pictures with everyone else. But, like her father, she wouldn’t be out there forever, and Tsukishima didn’t want to run into either of them when they came back.

Eventually, Tsukishima managed to find his seat. He sank down in it gratefully, glancing at the other place cards at the table. He didn’t know three of the names, but another two were very familiar to him: _Sawamura Daichi and Sawamura Koushi_. He barely had time to blink in surprise before he heard a voice to his right.

“Tsukishima-kun!”

Tsukishima glanced up to see the old vice-captain of Karasuno’s volleyball team making his way to the table, dragging his alpha along by the hand. The silver-haired omega slid into his seat next to Tsukishima, and Daichi leaned over him to shake his hand before he sat down.

“Daichi.” Tsukishima inclined his head politely in greeting. “Suga. It’s good to see you both.”

“It’s good to see you too.” The other omega beamed, still as stunning now as he had been when he was eighteen. “But I haven’t been Sugawara in years, and we’re all adults here. Just Koushi is fine.”

“Of course.” Tsukishima nodded.

“It’s been so long.” Daichi said with a smile. It was true- he hadn’t seen either of them in person since he’d been to their own wedding.

“I’ve been out of the country.” Tsukishima waved his hand vaguely. It was true, of course, but he hadn’t seen his old teammates for so long more just because they had drifted apart than for any other reason. He didn’t even spend as much time with Yamaguchi as he used to, with his old best friend in Miyagi and Tsukishima in Tokyo. He probably wouldn’t see him again until he went down to play the best man at _his_ wedding to his little blonde girlfriend- and why was everyone getting married all of a sudden, anyway?

“We’ve heard.” Daichi nodded. Suga must have seen the confused look that briefly passed Tsukishima’s face, because he added,

“Facebook knows all your secrets,” And winked. Tsukishima laughed, but a thrill of something cold went through him as he wondered exactly how many of his secrets were out there for anyone to see. His mother had to have found out about Amaterasu from somewhere, after all. Tsukishima didn’t even have social media, but everyone else he knew did.

“How was travelling?” Daichi asked, snapping him out of his reverie, and Tsukishima was all too grateful to answer if it meant he could stop worrying. Before he could actually open his mouth to reply, though, there was a commotion at the door to the ballroom; the bridal party had returned.

Everyone at the table- and the other tables, too, fell quiet to clap and smile politely as Bokuto and Akaashi were welcomed into the room, arm and arm. They looked happy- happier than almost anyone Tsukishima had ever seen. He focused on the noise and on managing what his face was doing, ignoring the subtle ache inside of him. His eyes followed the bridal party as they made their way towards the head table, and his heart skipped a beat when he clapped eyes on him. Kuroo was behind the happy couple, following them to his seat at the table with Amaterasu clinging to his hand. She looked lovely in her shell pink dress, her long hair all curled and tied back with a crown of cherry blossoms on her brow, a miniature version of the grown bridesmaids. Tsukishima couldn’t help a small smile; whatever he thought of her, he couldn’t believe he had been able to make something so beautiful. His eyes followed her as she skipped off to the children’s table, shiny white shoes clicking against the floor, before his gaze fell inevitably back towards Kuroo. He was sitting down in his spot at the head table, looking towards Akaashi’s father where he stood ready to start the speech. Wait staff were wandering between the maze of tables, filling champagne glasses, and only when they were done did he clear his throat to speak.

Tsukishima hated wedding speeches- they were the worst part of the whole affair, as far as he was concerned. The longer all these supportive, smiling people went on about true love and knowing two people were right for each other, the more he wanted to scream- that little voice inside him grew louder and louder. _Don’t you know anything? Don’t you know that none of this is forever?_

He couldn’t have imagined how much worse it would be when it was Kuroo giving the speech. His was last, after Bokuto’s, and Tsukishima’s stomach flipped over when he saw the alpha stand up.

He supposed it was fairly typical, as best man speeches went. He congratulated the couple, talked about how they had met, cracked bawdy jokes at their expense which had everyone laughing. But Tsukishima’s heart was beating fast. He tugged uncomfortably at the bow tie he had elected to wear, his throat bobbing as he swallowed. Kuroo didn’t look at him once, but something in Tsukishima ached listening to him. He still loved him so much- he didn’t know how to stop, if he would ever be able to at all- and it pained him that he couldn’t touch. He was happy for his friends, but just as that didn’t stop him from worrying about their future, it didn’t stop him from being upset that his own love was someone he could never be with.

                  After Kuroo’s speech, the food arrived, and that, at least, was a distraction. He didn’t know most of the people seated at the table with him, but Daichi and Koushi were still good to talk to- they had a lot to catch up on after having not seen each other for years. Hinata was here somewhere too, apparently, and Koushi laughed at the way the knowledge turned Tsukishima pale. He had forgotten how much he liked them back in high school, tolerable to him even before he matured into a _somewhat_ less prickly person.

There was something bittersweet to it, though. The only couples Tsukishima spent any amount of time with were his brother and sister-in-law, or Bokuto and Akaashi themselves; pairs made up of unconventional matches between betas and alphas. They were not less in love for it, of course, but there was something undeniably _different_ about an alpha and omega pair. Daichi and Koushi’s scents were so intimately mixed that Tsukishima couldn’t actually tell the different between the two, and they seemed to be touching constantly; just slight brushes of fingers, Koushi touching his husband’s arm, Daichi pressing a protective hand to the back of the omega’s chair as he glanced around the room. The deepest kind of mating bond was personified in their actions, moving together as if they shared one body, one soul.

Tsukishima had been like that with Kuroo, once. But not any longer, not anymore.

                  The meal passed like a strange dream. He’d had stress dreams during exams about sitting at a desk and knowing there was something hideous behind him, that would kill him if he looked. This was that, but he was awake. He had to look down at his plate or across at Koushi and Daichi, and never anywhere else. Never anywhere towards the head table where Kuroo sat, laughing and talking with the newlyweds and Bokuto’s sisters. Never behind him to the table where all the children had been placed and Amaterasu was busy making as many new friends as she could. If he pretended to be unattached, perhaps he could convince himself he did not care.

It was a breath of fresh air when the plates were cleared away, drawing the attention of the guests to the wedding cake near the head table. It had been decorated with cherry blossoms like everything else in the ballroom, and even Tsukishima smiled faintly to see Bokuto hold Akaashi’s hand as they cut the cake, the beta ducking out of the way with a laugh when his husband tried to smush the first slice in his face.

 _I want that_.

The realisation came so suddenly that it startled even Tsukishima himself, and he flushed and looked around guiltily as if someone might have been able to read his mind and know what he had thought. He tried to brushed the thought aside, but it rang true with every beat of his heart. _I want that. This is what I want_.

Unbidden, his eyes flickered towards Kuroo, and his heart leapt when their eyes met. For the first time that night, Kuroo was looking back at him. He held his gaze for a long moment, Tsukishima feeling his eyes sear deep into his heart, before looking away back towards Bokuto and Akaashi.

 _I want this_. He remembered the ring Kuroo had inherited from his grandmother, lazy days in their apartment, coming home to find the alpha had cooked for them.

Holding their baby in his arms. This last part not a memory, but an imagining of something that could have been. In another life. Tsukishima hadn’t realised how much he wanted all of it until now; hadn’t realised that as well as missing Kuroo, he’d been missing that simple domesticity.

He didn’t want to fight anymore; and he was tired of hurting. He wanted happiness, simple and uncomplicated, like Bokuto and Akaashi had. Like his brother and his wife. Like Koushi and Daichi. Why could everyone else have all that, and not him? Because he didn’t deserve it? Or just because he hadn’t realised it was what he wanted?

He hadn’t wanted to care, because he had seen, time and again, proof that caring about anything was only going to break his heart in the end. But he hadn’t been able to help it, and now he didn’t want to ever stop.

                  The lights in the ballroom dimmed as Bokuto and Akaashi made their way to the dance floor, fingers linking together tight as knots, Bokuto’s hand on the dip of Akaashi’s waist. The alpha was clumsy and ungraceful, but that didn’t stop Akaashi from smiling; making allowances for his mate’s- his _husband’s_ \- bad dancing by doing little more than turning in slow circles around the dancefloor. Tsukishima could see his friend’s lips moving, and although he didn’t know what he was saying, he was sure that he could guess: quiet little endearments and reassurances, that he didn’t mind the bad dancing, that he was happy, that he loved him.

Tsukishima ached.

He reached for his wine glass and drained the rest of it in one go once the first dance was over, a slight shudder running down his spine. People were making their way to the dancefloor now, Koushi and Daichi quietly excusing themselves so that they could go and dance. Tsukishima waved them off, sinking down further in his seat- he wasn’t much of a dancer at the best of times, let alone now when he had so little idea of what to do with the thoughts running around his own head. It was all he could do to keep avoiding looking at Kuroo or Amaterasu. The voice inside him that _wanted_ , more than anything, to be a part of their lives had only gotten louder now that he had dared to acknowledge it. Possibly, that had been a mistake.

                  The figures on the dancefloor were a shifting mass of bodies that Tsukishima didn’t care to look at too closely. The whole room was dancing and talking and drinking while he sat alone with his thoughts. He should go and see Akaashi and Bokuto, at least, to congratulate them- he knew that. But it could wait. All of it could wait until he had collected himself, and stopped thinking that he could ever want such simple, mundane things as everyday domesticity.

Koushi and Daichi didn’t stay on the dancefloor, at least. They returned after a few minutes, laughing together, the omega slightly flushed from the fresh glass of wine he held in his hand. Tsukishima greeted them again, but only idly. On the dancefloor, his eyes caught on a flesh of pink, a crown of cherry blossoms resting among glossy, dark curls. Amaterasu was twirling in a circle near the edge of the dancefloor, not truly dancing but instead playing with two other children, a boy with ashy hair and a little brunette girl. The small girl was laughing and clapping, too young to really join in the play, while the boy spun Amaterasu around and around in a clumsy imitation of the way the adult couples were dancing. A few feet away, Bokuto’s sister looked on with a watchful eye, clearly taking her babysitting duties seriously.

Tsukishima was entranced. He’d already noticed how beautiful Amaterasu looked as a bridesmaid, but she was even lovelier when she was laughing, in her element, so clearly having fun and full of life. A flash of protectiveness arced through him- _I would kill anyone who tried to take that happiness from her_.

He didn’t want to care. He couldn’t stop it.

“She’s adorable, isn’t she? Kuroo’s daughter.”

Tsukishima glanced away from the dancefloor and back to his companions at the table when Koushi spoke. He hoped he didn’t look as guilty to be caught looking as he felt.

“Yes, she is.” He inclined his head slowly, his voice cautious as he answered; feeling his heart rate pick up just a little. He didn’t know if his old friends knew who Amaterasu’s mother was, and if they didn’t, he didn’t want to hint at it.

He should really have started giving people more credit- they weren’t stupid, most of the time, and Tsukishima was not half so clever and subtle as he would have liked to think.

“She’s yours, isn’t she?” Daichi said, drawing a sharp look from Koushi that made his cheeks turn red. Clearly, the fact that Tsukishima had a child wasn’t the only thing people knew- people knew that he didn’t want to be associated with her, either. Shame lanced through him, sharp and choking. _She deserves so much more than anything that I would ever be able to give to her_.

He wanted to try and be better. It would have been easier to think if he wasn’t so scared of it.

“Yes.” He nodded once, pushing through the wave of fear and nausea that the admission made rise up inside of him. _I want to try, I want to try, I want to try_. Neither Koushi or Daichi seemed quite sure of where to look. Tsukishima could admit to being Amaterasu’s mother, but that meant admitting that he had abandoned his daughter when he’d gone abroad for the last five years. He felt ready to die from shame and guilt.

“You should be proud.” Koushi said finally, smiling a little. It didn’t even look strained- Tsukishima was impressed. He glanced back out at the dancefloor, laughing softly. “I admit I haven’t met her, but Kuroo’s Facebook is nothing _but_ her. She seems like a sweet kid.”

“She is.” Tsukishima confirmed. He felt that he knew enough, by now, to confirm that. Amaterasu could charm even him, after all. He couldn’t deny that any more. He followed Koushi’s gaze back to the dancefloor, his eyes narrowing a little at the sight he found there. Amaterasu was still playing with the other two smaller children, her hands grasped tightly with the boy’s as they spun around and around in dizzy, clumsy circles, laughing high and bright and careless in the way only children could. Protective worry flared up in his heart, and he wondered if this was how Kuroo had felt about everything, all of the time, for the past five years- six, really, if one counted the time that Tsukishima had been pregnant. He wondered how he could stand it.

“She _is_ ,” He said again, his eyes still focused on the children. They broke apart, laughing, Amaterasu stumbling a few steps back from her companions as if drunk while she tried to regain her balance. “And that little brat is playing too rough with her- someone’s going to get hurt.”

Koushi’s eyes flashed; Daichi ducked his head, trying to stifle a laugh.

“That little brat,” Koushi said, just slightly _too_ sweet. Tsukishima recognised forced politeness because he was so intimately familiar with it himself, and he remembered that not everyone abhorred children quite as much as he did. “Is my son.”

“Oh.” Tsukishima floundered few a moment, clearing his throat awkwardly as he tried to think of how to accept his fuck-up with grace. “I didn’t know you had children.”

“We do- they’re both ours.” Daichi nodded towards Amaterasu’s companion, the little boy and girl both.

“I think I got pregnant around the time you left, Kei.” Koushi mused, before he sat up a little straighter in his chair and called out to the dancefloor, “Aito! Play nice!”

“Sorry, mom!” Came the response, and Koushi settled back in his chair, seemingly satisfied.

“I’m sorry.” Tsukishima said finally, biting his lip. He’d grown out of being so arrogant and needlessly cruel that he wouldn’t apologise to people he considered friends, but Koushi just shrugged his shoulders and smiled.

“It’s fine. Believe me, I can understand being protective of your children.” He assured him, a fond smile crossing his face apparently just at the thought of his family. Tsukishima understood it was meant to be lovely, but he still felt a little hollow inside. _What is wrong with me that I don’t feel like that?_

“Naoko is two years younger than Aito.” Daichi explained. “He’s usually good at being gentle with her, but Koushi panics sometimes.” He reached across the table to take his husband’s hand and squeeze, the gold band on his ring finger catching the light. The couple shared a fond, intimate smile, and Tsukishima’s stomach turned.

“Excuse me,” He said, as polite as possible while he stood up from the table. “I’m going to go get a drink.”

                  Thank god the bar was open. Tsukishima nursed a vodka and Coke until his fingers had stopped shaking, his mind cleared from the thoughts that were catching up with him too rapidly to properly deal with. He finished his drink and set the glass down, ice clinking, and took a deep breath.

Just as he was gearing up to head back to the table, back to the Sawamuras the ideal happy couple, he heard a voice.

“Tsukki!”

Amaterasu bounded up to him, her hair coming a little more loose by the minute from all the dancing and running around she was doing with the other children. She was still beaming, though, looking like a little princess in her pretty dress.

“Tsukki!” She repeated, waving, once she had careened to a stop just shy of knocking into his legs; as if he might not have heard her the first time. “You’re here!”

It took Tsukishima a moment to gather his wits enough to reply. He’d been too busy thinking about the Sawamuras to remember to avoid her, or to remember why he wanted to in the first place.

“I am.” He nodded. “I’m Bokuto and Akaashi’s friend, too.” He had been so caught up in watching her from afar he’d forgotten why he didn’t like to be close to her- what was he supposed to _do_? Kneel down to get on her level? Or was that patronising? He stayed standing.

Amaterasu’s gold eyes- and how surreal it was, to see his own eyes replicated perfectly in someone else’s face- scanned the area around the bar warily, and narrowed just the way his own did when he was confronted with something troubling.

“Are you all by yourself?” She realised.

“Yes.” Tsukishima nodded, as patiently as he could.

“That sucks!” Amaterasu complained.

“I like it that way.”

“You’re kinda weird.” She frowned up at him, before sticking out a hand. The look on her face was so determined that, bemused, Tsukishima didn’t think he had any choice but to take it. “C’mon! My dad doesn’t have anyone to dance with either.” She paused in her quest to drag Tsukishima across the dancefloor, childish concern flitting across her face. Very seriously, she whispered, “Please don’t tell my dad I said _sucks_. Or that I called you weird.”

Tsukishima raised an eyebrow. “Why not?”

“He’ll say it isn’t _ladylike_ ,” Amaterasu made a face. “And I should be politer.”

Tsukishima stifled a laugh. “You don’t have to be ladylike for me.” He promised. “And,” Here, he did duck down slightly, enough that he could stage-whisper and still be heard. “Between you and me, when we first met, your father wasn’t polite either.”

Amaterasu giggled, delighted with his titbit of leverage, before she yanked on Tsukishima’s hand again to try and drag him towards Kuroo. “You can dance!” She repeated, insistently, and Tsukishima wondered if, in her childish mind, dancing was all weddings were for. Tsukishima, however, held his ground.  
“I don’t think your father and I are that kind of friends, Amaterasu.” He said gently. At least, after the way he’d left things between them, Tsukishima didn’t think Kuroo would appreciate being asked to dance.

“You have friends you _wouldn’t_ dance with?” Amaterasu sounded shocked, and Tsukishima couldn’t help but laugh.

“It’s a grown-up thing.” He said. This seemed to be enough for her, because she nodded in solemn understanding before asking,

“Will you dance with _me_?”

Tsukishima glanced down.

“I think you might be a little bit short for that.”

“I can stand on your feet.”

The omega bit his lip to hold back another laugh.

“Don’t you have friends your own age that you can dance with?” He asked.

“I want to dance with _you_ , though.” Amaterasu insisted, her lower lip jutting out. She reminded him deeply of Kuroo, and not just because she shared his features- he had been known to throw tantrums like that, too. And, just like Kuroo, he couldn’t resist the pouty, sulky look on her face, even if it really seemed like a bad idea to give in to her.

“Fine, fine.” He sighed, shaking his head and holding out his hands to the little girl. “Here, stand on my feet.” At least, that was what he’d always seen people do when they danced with children. He didn’t have enough experience with it himself to know whether or not it actually worked- Amaterasu was the only child that he’d actually been able to stand for more than five minutes.

It _did_ work, but it was awkward- more so for Tsukishima, he was sure, than for Amaterasu, since he had to lean over so far to keep a hold of her hands. He could only stand it for the length of a single song before he gently shooed her away.

“I’m going to break my back if I keep doing that.” He explained when she pouted at him again, glancing around the ballroom until he once again caught sight of Bokuto’s sister, pointing her out. “Why don’t you go back to the other kids? One of them will definitely dance with you.” He told her.

“Okay.” Amaterasu sighed, hanging her head. For a moment, she just hovered in front of them; then, abruptly, she took a step forward and wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. “I’m glad I got to see you, Tsukki- I really like you!” She chirped and then, just as quickly as she’s grabbed him, turned around and dashed off.

Tsukishima was left standing there by himself, stunned- stunned, but smiling a little bit, too. He had managed not to recoil when she touched him, and that was something. There was a small, genuine smile on his face as he watched her go back to the new friends she’d spent the day making, before he turned away with a soft sigh.

He liked her. He really did, and it was getting harder and harder to keep denying the fact. It was just that liking her didn’t make it any easier to deal with her- he still didn’t know how the hell to keep a child happy, to make sure that his daughter knew she was loved and cared for. Kuroo was good at that. He wasn’t.

                  When he turned to head back to his table, Tsukishima noticed from across the room that Sawamuras had stood up, edging towards the door. It wasn’t out of the ordinary- a few people had left already, mostly those who either weren’t that close to Bokuto and Akaashi or had children and babysitters to get home to. The little boy who’d been playing with Amaterasu was clutching tight to his mother, one hand in Koushi’s and the other clinging to his clothes as he pressed up against him. The daughter, Naoko had fallen asleep cradled in her father’s arms, her head lolling drowsily against his shoulder as Daichi slowly rubbed her back.

Something in Koushi’s fond smile as he spoke quietly to his husband hurt Tsukishima, re-awaking that ache in his chest that he had been able to ignore entirely until he came back to Tokyo. He’d never cared much about being a _good_ omega, a typical one who followed the traditional roles set out for his dynamic. But when he’d first presented he’d had no omegas in his family to turn to, no one to reassure him when he felt lost and adrift in his own skin. Before that, Koushi had been the only omega on Karasuno’s volleyball team, and Tsukishima remembered glancing at him out of the corner of his eye whenever he felt too tall or skinny or prickly. He’d never met anyone who so perfectly exemplified the ideal omega, pleasantly curved and not too tall, sweet and compassionate with a maternal instinct that extended even to the younger team members. Of course he’d been sporting a bond mark over his scent gland from the very start of his third year. Of course he’d had an alpha for as long as Tsukishima had known him, when people so rarely looked twice at the blond. He was _perfect_ , in all the ways Tsukishima would never be, and too nice to even resent him for it.

Tsukishima didn’t know him well enough anymore to be sure, but now it looked like he was a perfect mother, too.

 _Teach me_ , he thought, desperate and wretched. _No one ever taught me what I was supposed to do for her_.

He had an idea, now. With no one to ask, he couldn’t be sure whether it was right or wrong, but he had to at least try.

                  Tsukishima turned on heel again, heading not back towards his table but instead to the open French doors that led outside. The sun had gone down a while ago, leaving the sky above fading from black to blue like a watercolour, flecked with bright white stars. People were mostly accumulated inside the ballroom now, leaving just a few scattered shadows underneath the floodlights. Tsukishima made his way to the one leaning against the wall by the door, sipping slowly at the remainders of the glass of champagne in his hand. He stood next to him in silence for a few long moments before he spoke, his eyes tracing the shadows of the trees.

“Aren’t you cold out here?”

Kuroo just shrugged in response, lowering his glass to look at Tsukishima. It was the first time they’d spoken since the disastrous night he’d looked after Amaterasu. They hadn’t fought that night, but when Tsukishima’s response to Kuroo asking if he’d ever accept their daughter was to flee, a fight wasn’t needed. There was nothing left between them to fight _for_.

“It’s pretty crowded in there. I wanted some peace and quiet.”

“That doesn’t sound like you.”

Kuroo smiled thinly, resting his head against the wall behind him. “Nah. I guess it doesn’t. Maybe I’m just growing up.”

“In that case, I’ve always been a grown up.”

Kuroo laughed. “That’s kind of true, Kei. You were always way too mature.”

“Funny.” Tsukishima hummed. “I never really felt like a grown-up. I still don’t, really. Akaashi and Bokuto being married feels _way_ too mature for any of us.”

“Doesn’t it?” Kuroo agreed. “I’m happy for them, though. I mean, it took them long enough to get together. This is, what, twelve years?”

“Something like that.” Tsukishima glanced down, fidgeting with his hands in front of himself. “Maybe that’s a good thing, though. They know this is definitely what they want.” Hidden in the dark, his gaze slid towards Kuroo, tracing over the lines of his profile. “Sometimes things that are right take time. It’s not always easy.”

“How profound.” Kuroo drained the rest of his drink in one go. “You should have been a writer.”

Tsukishima’s mouth twisted. “I’m not imaginative enough.” Kuroo didn’t say anything to that, so Tsukishima forced himself to keep talking. _I know what I want now_. “You should come back inside with me. I’ll buy you a drink.”

“I’d love to,” Kuroo’s voice suggested that he would love nothing less. “But I’m going to leave soon, I think. It’s getting late, and I have to take Amaterasu home. She’s just a little kid- I don’t like her to be up this late. She says it’s fine, but I know she’ll be cranky in the morning.”

Tsukishima’s heart sank. “You couldn’t hire a sitter?”

"I actually want to look after my child, Kei. I like it. It was the only thing that kept me going, sometimes.” He knew what ‘sometimes’ meant. _When you left._ Guilt twisted hot and sharp in Tsukishima’s stomach. “It was nice seeing you, though. You look like you had a good time tonight.”

“It could have been better.” Tsukishima murmured, watching as the alpha shrugged and pushed away from the wall, presumably to head back inside. To collect his daughter and go home and vanish again from Tsukishima’s life, twisted payback for what he himself had done five years before.

He couldn’t let him do that.

Tsukishima stepped forwards when Kuroo did, stopping him from walking forwards any further by placing his hands against the alpha’s chest. Before he could say a word, he yanked him forwards by the front of his suit jacket and kissed him.

Kuroo was rigid under his hands for a moment, like he was kissing a corpse. Then he felt him relax, bit by bit, until he was sliding his hands over Tsukishima’s waist, parting his lips, kissing back. There was nothing, never would be anything, that felt as right as being in Kuroo’s arms.

The kiss lasted for a few long moments, stolen from a happier life, and then Kuroo shoved him back so hard that Tsukishima stumbled and had to collect his balance. His eyes were wild as he looked up, confused, pressing two fingers to his swollen mouth.

“God,” Kuroo choked out, raking his fingers through his hair and making it even messier than it usually was. “How many times, Kei? I don’t want you.”

“You kissed me back.” It was all Tsukishima could think to say, with those words ringing hollow through his chest. He clung to it- _he kissed me back. He can’t hate me that much_.

The alpha took a deep breath, running his hands over his face before he shook his head.

“I did.” He agreed. “But that- it doesn’t mean anything. I told you before, I can’t be with someone who can’t be a mother to my daughter. I-” He laughed bleakly. “ _Fuck_. Of course I fucking want you. More than anything. But you we’re _grown ups_ now.” He smiled bitterly. “Wanting you isn’t enough if you can’t be the kind of omega I need.”

Tsukishima was silent. He couldn’t say that he could be what Kuroo needed, because he didn’t know. Amaterasu needed a mother, and that was a role he would never have any idea how to fill. The silence dragged on torturously until Kuroo sighed, hanging his head. He took a step forward, resting one hand on Tsukishima’s shoulder and cupping the other over his scarred scent gland, rising up on his toes to press a chaste kiss against his temple.

“I love you more than anything.” He murmured, muffled against the omega’s skin. “But I can’t keep doing this.”

“I don’t think I can stop.” Tsukishima countered, tucking his head under Kuroo’s chin to hide there. He felt sick with the inevitability of what was going to happen next. He had tried, and it hadn’t been enough. It wasn’t, he knew now, just a matter of being able to admit to himself that he still wanted to be with Kuroo- Kuroo had to want that, too.

And he didn’t.

“You have to- I’m asking. Fuck, I’m begging. I can’t deal with- with having you this close, and knowing I can never really _have_ you again. Not the way it used to be.” Kuroo swallowed hard. “You left me first, Kei.” He stayed where he was for a few long moments more, his touch burning Tsukishima’s skin through the fabric of his clothes. Then he pulled away and walked back through the French doors and was gone, leaving Tsukishima outside standing alone.


	11. Altschmerz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> from [The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows:](http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/)
> 
> **Altschmerz:** _(noun)_ weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had—the same boring flaws and anxieties you’ve been gnawing on for years, which leaves them soggy and tasteless and inert, with nothing interesting left to think about, nothing left to do but spit them out and wander off to the backyard, ready to dig up some fresher pain you might have buried long ago.

When Tsukishima had fallen pregnant, his first thought had been about how quickly he would be able to terminate it. At first, when he began adding up in his head his missed pill, all his inexplicable sickness and exhaustion and strange cravings, and coming to the inevitable conclusion, he hadn’t even wanted to tell Kuroo what was going on. He had kept his suspicions to himself, figuring that, if he was right, he would never tell the alpha in the first place. He would just quietly abort the child and get on with his life, his mate being none the wiser and their lives not being disturbed by Tsukishima’s mistake.

He would have stuck to that decision, he was sure of it. But when he’d finally taken a pregnancy test, the sight of the two pink lines that materialised on it had sent him into hysteria. He’d burst into a fit of tears that he would later blame on his hormones, and when his alpha came home to find him crying he didn’t even hesitate to discard all of his plans and explain to him what had happened. He’d needed his comfort, his support, even if he was scared in the back of his mind that it would lead to disaster later on.

He’d regretted it in the days afterwards, when it became apparent that Kuroo wanted the child- that getting rid of it might not have turned the alpha against him, exactly, but would have driven a wedge down the middle of their relationship that Tsukishima didn’t think he would ever be able to surmount. If he aborted their child, he thought, Kuroo would never forget it- forgive, certainly, but not forget. He could see in his mind’s eye the way resentment would grow between them like a vicious weed, Kuroo unable to ever forget about how Tsukishima had taken his child from him.

Perhaps he could have pushed through. Self-centeredness had always been Tsukishima’s area of expertise, and the baby was growing inside of _his_ body. Kuroo could love the child- and he did, the omega admitted to himself while he lay awake at night with a thousand thoughts swirling around his head, have a right to know that there _was_ a child to love in the first place- but he had no right to say what Tsukishima should do. If they kept the baby, he wouldn’t be the one who had to carry the pregnancy to term and give birth at the end of it. It was Tsukishima’s choice alone, and he knew he was lucky enough to have an alpha that recognised that.

But it wasn’t just that aborting the child might have turned Kuroo, helplessly, unconsciously away from him. It would _hurt_ him. He had seen how softly and fondly he spoke to the child growing inside of his mate, seen the desolate look on his face when he realised Tsukishima had no intention of letting it live. Kuroo had always said he was fine with not having children, but now that they _did_ have a baby, or at least the beginnings of one, losing it would have killed him.

This was what Tsukishima had told himself the day he went for the abortion. He’d been set and certain in his decision, but as he sat in that sterile room with a nurse explaining the procedure in the most clinical words possible, her manner all warm and accepting and full of understanding- his resolve broke, somehow. It was like a switch had been flipped in his head and he no longer knew what he was _doing_ , why he had thought it would ever be possible for him to abort his child. He believed furtively in an omega’s right to choose, but it had taken far too long to realise that it wasn’t a choice he himself would be able to make.

When he dragged his alpha away from the clinic and home, feeling wretched, confused, uncertain of what the _fuck_ he was supposed to do if he had to endure a pregnancy he didn’t want, he told himself it was because of Kuroo. He felt almost sick with the idea that the baby was still growing inside him, panicked whenever he remembered that he hadn’t gone through with the abortion. He regretted not doing it; he deliberated about going back. When he felt like that, it _had_ to be because of Kuroo. Kuroo would be upset if he got rid of the child, and so Tsukishima was forced to carry it for the sake of his mate’s feelings. That was his manta, what he told himself over and over.

That was a _lie_. It was a convincing enough one to last for five years as long as he didn’t think too hard about it, but all that Tsukishima had been doing for the past few weeks was turning those nine wretched months over and over again in his head, examining every angle from new eyes.

And he was trying to be a _grown up_. He was done with lying to himself.

He was Tsukishima Kei, and he did have feelings no matter how hard he tried to grind them down into the dirt under his heel. He was Tsukishima Kei, and he was selfish. He loved Kuroo more than he had ever thought would be possible for such a cold creature as him to love anything, but that wasn’t enough. If he had made the decision not to keep his baby, Kuroo could have grovelled at his feet, or screamed in his face, or told him outright he would leave him if he did it, and Tsukishima would have remained as implacable and cold as stone.

In the end, this was the truth: Tsukishima had kept his baby because he had wanted to.

                  It was the most confusing realisation that he had ever come to. Anxiety coursed through his veins at the thought of ever becoming a parent, and that had always been the case. When Kuroo had first brought up the idea of one day, maybe, having children together, Tsukishima had recoiled immediately. All he saw in his mind’s eye was his own mother, the ice queen that had haunted the halls of his childhood home and never once made him feel like he was loved. He never wanted to become that figure for a child of his own, but he didn’t know how to be anything else. With no example ever having been set for him of how to be a good parent (because perhaps his mother was the figurehead in his mind’s eye, but he knew that his father was just as bad, had been just as cold and distant from his children as his wife) he didn’t know how to be anything else. It was easy for Kuroo to love a child. He knew that the alpha’s father had left before he’d been born, but the effect of a failed parent on Kuroo was exactly the opposite of what it had been to Tsukishima; it just made him _more_ determined to be a good father to his own kids, to make sure that they knew that they were loved and cherished and so, so important. He’d had his mother’s example to follow, and Tsukishima had never met a more kind and nurturing woman. Later, he’d had his stepfather, and he was just as good at taking care of their children as Katsumi was. Growing up in that house, constantly tripping over little sisters who looked up to their big brother and needed to be cared for, Kuroo’d had no option but to become a good parent.

And Tsukishima had, he’d always thought, had no choice but to become the opposite. He was the youngest child, cared for instead of caring, and no parents to emulate. How was he ever supposed to be someone’s mother?

He’d loved his baby, but he’d known that loving them wouldn’t be enough if he didn’t know how to show it. If he didn’t _want_ to love them. He didn’t, and he didn’t. He was no kind of mother- he couldn’t inflict himself upon a child, and he had no desire to raise one even if he did have the ability. Bad omega, bad mother.

                  But since Tsukishima had returned from Bokuto and Akaashi’s wedding, he had been thinking. He had been thinking about the fact that, when he was upset, floundering in his own mind and unsure of how to properly proceed, his first thought had been to call Akiteru. He’d known without even needing to question it that his brother would be there for him when he needed him to be; just like he always had been, since Tsukishima had matured enough to grow out of the grudge he’d held against him and let him back in. He’d forgiven Akiteru for his transgressions in a way that he never had or would be able to forgive their parents, because at least Akiteru had always _tried_. When he’d hurt Tsukishima it had been because he had cared about him too much, instead of not enough.

Akiteru had the same parents that Tsukishima had; they had both had identical upbringings in that cold white house that appeared so idyllic and ideal from the outside. No matter how hard he tried to hide it, Tsukishima was sure that it must have damaged Akiteru too. Yet Akiteru still managed to be good, not just as being a substitute parental figure for his little brother but at being an _actual_ parent. Tsukishima had never seen two children as deeply loved and well-cared-for as his nieces. He and Akiteru had gone through the same things, but his brother hadn’t let them ruin him.

Which meant that they were only ruining Tsukishima because he let them.

Which meant that if Akiteru was able to be a good parent, then so was Tsukishima.

                  Still, though, there was that voice in the back of his head that chanted _monster, monster_. That said he wasn’t Akiteru, wouldn’t be able to do what he had done. That what he’d _already_ done to Amaterasu had spoiled any chance of ever getting to be her mother in any capacity.

But he was a grown up, he reminded himself. If that was the case, then he would simply have to accept things for what they were. He had made his bed five years ago, and it was time to lie in it. It was just that now he regretted the way he had done things, and, if possible, he wanted to fix them.

Gods, though, it was hard. Nothing had ever made his chest feel tighter, his throat swollen to bursting with nerves. He sat at his kitchen table with his phone laid out in front of him and simply stared at the screen, helplessly afraid of actually calling. _I cannot do this_ warred in his head with _I can_ , but stronger than both was _I must_. He remembered Amaterasu asking if he knew who her mother was, full of all the careless, innocent confidence of children. She had no idea where she had come from. Tsukishima had taken that from her, and it wasn’t right. She deserved so much better than to be lied to because Tsukishima was afraid. He wanted to give her better.

He pressed the button on his phone to dial the all-too-familiar number.

It took a long time for anyone to answer.

“Kei,” Kuroo’s voice, when he finally picked up, was more strained than Tsukishima had ever heard it. He’d said he was begging the last time they’d spoken, but now the omega believed it. “I _told_ you, we’ve _talked_ about this-”

“This isn’t about you.” Tsukishima said quickly, because if Kuroo kept talking about how much he didn’t want him, never would want him again, he didn’t trust his resolve not to break. The silence on the other end sounded surprised.

“What is it about, then?” Tsukishima didn’t blame him for his confusion- he would have struggled to think of a reason he would call Kuroo without actually wanting something from the alpha himself, too. But he knew now that he had changed. They were all changing, everyone in the world, growing up and getting better all of the time. It just often took a while to notice it happening.

“Amaterasu.” He pronounced the word with a confidence that he didn’t entirely feel, each syllable ringing clear out of his throat. _Amaterasu_. His daughter. She had always been his daughter, even when he wouldn’t admit that fact to anyone, not even himself. Ignoring a truth didn’t make it less so. It just meant that it ate away at him slowly.

“What about Amaterasu?” The confusion in Kuroo’s voice had turned very quickly into suspicion; and Tsukishima supposed that he didn’t entirely blame him for that, either. _I have been cruel to both of them_. It stung to think, but hadn’t he just promised himself he would stop avoiding truths? His parents had always made him think that to love something was to hurt it, that people like him were incapable of doing so without making it twisted and awful, and it have him a sick sense of satisfaction to be proved right.

Perhaps once he would have held onto that satisfaction and nursed it like a child, but not any longer. The world would force him to grow up whether he wanted to or not, but it was Tsukishima who had to set his old self aside and make the choice to be a better person. If he wanted to be able to touch without tainting, he had to work at it.

Tsukishima took a deep breath.

“I want to see her.”

The confession made his grip on the phone tighten, a little hiccup of breath rise in his throat. Even when he had made his decision and called Kuroo, he had never said those words in that order, not even to himself. But since it was true whether he said it or not, he said it anyway.

“You want to see her.” The emotion had disappeared entirely from Kuroo’s voice, just parroting Tsukishima’s own words back at him.

“Yes.”

The alpha was silent for a long time.

“Why can’t you just stop?” Kuroo breathed out, his voice slightly muffled. Tsukishima could see him in his mind’s eye, holding his head in his spare hand. “I told you to _stop_. Do you think that if you pretend to have some kind of interest in Amaterasu, I’ll come back to you? You tried that before, Tsukishima, and it didn’t-”

“No.” His voice was short and far sharper than he had intended. He had told himself that he would be calm, but he couldn’t listen to Kuroo finish that sentence. “ _You_ stop. Don’t assume things about me. You either want me or you don’t and that’s fine, but neither of them mean you get to put words in my mouth. I already told you that this isn’t about you.”

“Then I don’t understand.” He had heard those words come from Kuroo’s lips so often. It was only recently that Tsukishima was beginning to see the value in explaining himself. He’d had alphas tell him that he was so attractive, before, because he was an enigma; a puzzle they couldn’t solve, a poem whose rhythm escaped them.

He didn’t want to be an enigma anymore, a temptation or an enticement; it was another thing he had grown out of. He just wanted to be Kei. Kei was not anything special, he was just a palaeontologist. He liked foreign music and cute plants in his apartment, and spent his days buried in the pages of books or curled up in front of documentaries.

And Kei was Amaterasu’s mother.

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to help you understand it any better.” Tsukishima said, making a careful and conscious effort to keep his voice as calm and measured as he possibly could. He was aware that this territory was thin ice, and he didn’t want to give Kuroo a reason to deny him what he wanted; what, he was beginning to suspect, he _needed_. “I just want to see her- I want to spend time with her. She’s my daughter, and I… well, I would at least like to _try_ to be her mother.”

Kuroo was quiet for a long time. Tsukishima hoped he was considering the request, and hadn’t just walked away from the phone altogether.

“I don’t know, Kei.” The alpha replied finally, halting and unsure. “Ama-chan… she’s happy, I know that she is. The way she’s grown up has been fine for her. But she still wonders sometimes who her mommy is- where they went and why she never got to meet them.” He took a pause that, by the deep intake of breath, Tsukishima assumed was to collect himself. Guilt rolled sickeningly through his stomach. _I did that to her. But I am going to make it better_.

“And you’re the one who left.” Kuroo continued after a moment. “I know that you… had your reasons, or whatever, but you still did it. And even since you got back, you’ve just been saying how much she doesn’t matter. How much you don’t like her. I don’t know where this sudden- sudden change of mind came from, but you’ve got to understand that I can’t trust it. Ama-chan is everything to me, and I’m her father. I have to look out for my little girl and do what’s best for her, and if I gave her a mother only for you to run away again…” Tsukishima heard him audibly swallow. “I don’t think that I could forgive myself. I know how badly it would hurt you. If you’ve ever cared about our child at all, you won’t be able to do that to her.”

Tsukishima was quiet, nodding slowly. The thing was that he couldn’t argue with anything that Kuroo had said. He was right, and Tsukishima _didn’t_ want to hurt Amaterasu. He was too deeply, painfully aware of his own myriad failings as a human to trust himself not to hurt her in the way that Kuroo was talking about. After a while, he said,

“I still want to see her. But…” He closed his eyes, sighing softly. “I don’t have to be her mother. I understand that it would be cruel, after all this time, to just walk back into her life- and I understand I have no right to do that, because it was my choice to leave and it’s you who’s raised her alone. The only claim I have to her is shared blood.

“But that’s still a claim. And I want to have some kind of relationship with the child I carried.” He shivered, admitting it. “I’m not asking for you to tell her who I am- I don’t want her to know either, I don’t think.” For now, anyway. “I just want to spend some time with her. Just a few hours every now and then. I can take her to the museum, or something, give her a guided behind the scenes tour- she would like that, wouldn’t she?”

“She would.” Kuroo replied after a few more moments of silence. “Even if… even if she still doesn’t know that you’re her mother, Kei, she still likes you a lot. If you want me to let you see her, you can’t- you _can’t_ just change your mind after this, alright? You’re committing to something. I want you to promise me that you’re not going to hurt her. That this is about Amaterasu, not me, or you.”

“I’m not going to hurt her.” Tsukishima said immediately. “And it’s all about her, not me. I want to do something right for my daughter. I just want to spend some time with her, that’s all.”

“Alright.” Kuroo sighed. “Alright. After she gets back from my mom’s place on Saturday, I’ll bring her over… you said the museum, right? I’ll meet you there with her at lunchtime.”

Tsukishima could have cried from relief. He slumped where he sat, passing a hand over his eyes. He had been so sure, so scared that Kuroo was going to tell him no. He hadn’t realised how much he had truly, desperately wanted to see Amaterasu again until he had been told that he could. Perhaps leaving the continent five years ago hadn’t been that much of an overreaction after all- now that seeing his daughter was a possibility, he couldn’t stop himself.

“Thank you.” He breathed out, a small smile playing around his mouth. “Thank you so much. I know I don’t deserve this.”

“You don’t.” Kuroo said, bluntly. “Just try to be someone that does, from now on.”

Tsukishima nodded; the words stung, but in the interest of continuing to be truthful with himself, he couldn’t argue against them. “You don’t sound very happy.”

“I’m not. I don’t want you to see her.” Kuroo said. “But you’re still her mother. Even if you haven’t been very good at it so far.”

“Charming.”

“I’d rather tell the truth.” Kuroo said. “I’ll see you Saturday.”

“See you.” Tsukishima echoed, and the line went dead. He set his phone down, exhaling slowly and closing his eyes for a moment to collect himself again. He still didn’t believe there was a chance he could ever have Kuroo again, but that was fine- he’d been truthful when he said that this wasn’t about Kuroo.

He’d lost his alpha, but perhaps he didn’t have to be without his daughter anymore; he had a second chance at what he had thrown away before, and that was more than enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thiiis chapter is shorter than the average falling slowly update but instead of being laziness, it's bcs i'm trying to improve my writing and i recognise that being overly verbose and long-winded is one of my flaws. so, this chapter says what it needs to say, and nothing more.
> 
> moreover! my deepest apologies to everyone who's left comments for me that i haven't yet replied to; i try my hardest on all of my fics to reply to everyone but as falling slowly gets more popular and i devolve more into a mess of scatterbrained anxiety, it becomes difficult. so, this is a blanket thank you to everyone who has ever commented on any of my fics, i love and appreciate you all so so so much but, as long as my life stays as busy as it is right now, i'm not going to have the time to reply to comments that don't include direct actual questions to be answered. continue to feel free to hmu on tumblr/twitter if for some bizarre reason you actually want to talk to me


	12. Flashover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From [The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows:](http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/)
> 
>  **Flashover:** _(noun)_ the moment a conversation becomes real and alive, which occurs when a spark of trust shorts out the delicate circuits you keep insulated under layers of irony, momentarily grounding the static emotional charge you’ve built up through decades of friction with the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyy it's been a while, huh? i'm so sorry! i ended up taking a break over christmas not just from school but also from writing for the haikyuu fandom. it was really nice to take a break, actually, and i came back to falling slowly afterwards feeling incredibly refreshed, so i'm actually not that sorry. still, i hope to not keep people waiting for that long again! after all, we're so close to the end now~

Nervousness had Tsukishima twisting his hands in front of him, picking at the skin around his nails since they themselves had already been chewed down to the quick. The sleeves of most of his cardigans had been mangled by anxious tugging long ago, and if he didn’t quit it with this one the knitting was going to start to fray. He stood underneath the arched gateway that marked the entrance to the museum where he worked; it was the first time that he had been here on a Saturday, normally his day off devoted to lazing around his apartment and cooking food that actually required time and effort.

Not today. Today was a time for something far more important than any of that. Than anything.

He hadn’t dared to call Kuroo again after hanging up the last time. He felt as if he was walking a tightrope as thin as a thread of spider’s silk, and he didn’t want to push his luck any harder than he already had. Everything felt so delicate, ready to crumble apart at a moment’s notice if Tsukishima put one foot wrong.

 _But I will not_. He told himself that, over and over. He had always been good at doing the things that he put his mind to, and just because he hadn’t been good at _this_ thing at first didn’t mean he wouldn’t be in future.

Not calling Kuroo again had meant, however, that he didn’t have any more concrete a time than ‘lunchtime’ for when he was supposed to be meeting the alpha and their daughter at the museum. It was noon now, but Tsukishima didn’t know if he was early, standing here by the archway like an idiot as various other guests walked past him. Hysterically, he wondered if his colleagues would think that he had shown up for work on the wrong day- not that he spoke to his colleagues very often as it was. Only the lab assistants that he had to order around.

                  As the clock ticked over to five past twelve, the nerves in Tsukishima’s throat were starting to rise, pushed higher by the butterflies stirring up his stomach. He had never before been so concerned just because someone was delayed, but he’d never had a meeting this monumental, either. He didn’t know how many more chances Kuroo would give him to forge some kind of relationship with his daughter, and he didn’t want to fuck this one up.

Before he could grow too anxious, however, he saw a tall figure with dark, ridiculous hair moving through the crowd towards him. Kuroo wasn’t incredibly easy to spot on a busy day like this one, but he had grown a few feet taller than he usually was; Amaterasu was perched atop his shoulders, her hair tied in hopelessly messy braids again as she looked around the street. They were too far away to hear, but Tsukishima could see her pointing and laughing excitedly when she caught sight of the museum gates.

His heart melted. She was such a sweet little girl.

Kuroo let Amaterasu down from his shoulders before they crossed the street, heading for the museum gates. Tsukishima knew the exact moment that the alpha spotted him; he saw it in the momentarily unguarded expression on his face, the way he looked as if he were seeing Tsukishima for the first time all over again. So much of the omega still wanted Kuroo to look at him the way that he used to, wanted to be loved by him again above almost all things.  
But not quite all. More important was the little girl whose eyes lit up at the sight of him, bouncing on the spot and tugging at Kuroo’s hand to try and get him to walk faster as he stuck close by her, steering her right through the crowds and walking on the side closest to the road.

“Tsukki!” Amaterasu called, beaming as she waved at him; straining up on the tips of her toes in her scuffed canvas shoes to try and make sure her tiny hand was seen above the crowd. Tsukishima still had no idea where to put that kind of shameless, unconditional affection- he had no idea what to do with it even now, and he had to admit it took him aback slightly. But he raised his hand and waved anyway, a small smile on his face. Once the pair were only a few feet away, Kuroo let go of Amaterasu’s hand to let her skip the rest of the way to Tsukishima, skidding to a stop in front of him and grinning.

“Tsukki!” She repeated, bright and excited. “Hi! I wanted to hug you but Daddy said you don’t like hugs so I didn’t.” That was true, but Tsukishima wasn’t entirely sure of what to make of Kuroo telling her that. Once again, he had a moment of confused conflict, unsure of what he was supposed to do. Amaterasu might have been his child, but that still meant that she was _a_ child like any other, and he had always struggled with interacting with them. Was he meant to bend down to her level? Speak simply?

In the end, he did what he had always done; Amaterasu liked him, for some reason, and he wasn’t about to change his behaviour just because he had no realised that he might be able to like _her_. He treated her, still, like a tiny adult- it was the only way that he knew how.

“Good afternoon, Amaterasu.” Tsukishima said politely, a small smile tugging at his lips. “Thank you for understanding.”

“It’s not a problem!” She stood a little straighter when she said it, her voice changing just slightly- imitating, he realised, the way that Tsukishima spoke. Trying to be a grown-up like he was, even if her childlike enthusiasm got the best of her at the end. He wondered if she had any idea that she probably had more idea what she was doing with her life than he did. Somehow, though, her faith made him feel like less of a disaster. At least for one person, he was still worth looking up to.

“Afternoon.” Another voice greeted him coolly.

Tsukishima glanced up. Kuroo had caught up with them, standing casually with his hands in the pockets of his worn jeans. The flannel shirt he was wearing was just slightly too small, clinging too tightly to the defined muscles in his arms. Despite the slight tightness around his eyes, he was smiling at the both of them.

That place in Tsukishima’s chest ached again. Today was about himself and about Amaterasu, and nothing at all to do with Kuroo; except that everything, always, came back to Kuroo in his head. He didn’t know why it was so damn difficult to stop loving him.

“Hello.” Tsukishima replied with a small smile of his own, which he was sure was just as strained and insincere as Kuroo’s. He felt as if he wasn’t quite as good at pulling it off, though.

“Glad you made it.” Kuroo nodded once, before he leaned down slightly and tapped Amaterasu’s shoulder to get her attention. She whirled around at once, beaming and adoring as she looked at her father. Tsukishima had thought that kind of unconditional love was off-limits to him, but now he recognised that he’d just been denying himself it.

“Are you gonna be okay all day with Tsukki?” Kuroo asked seriously.

“I’ll be fine.” Amaterasu nodded excitedly.

“And you’ll be a good girl for Tsukki, right? I don’t want you making his life a misery.” He was smiling and teasing as he said it, and Amaterasu nodded quickly.

“I _promise_.”

“Okay.” Kuroo smiled, crouching down further to wrap his daughter up in a one-armed hug and kiss the top of her head, nuzzling slightly to make sure that she was marked with his scent. “I’ll pick you up at half-three, alright? Then we’ll go home. But if anything happens or you wanna come home before that, yeah, just get Tsukki to call me and I’ll come get you.” He told her, tucking a stray strand of black hair that had escaped from her braid behind her ear.

“I know.” Amaterasu nodded.

“Good girl.” Kuroo kissed her again, on the forehead this time, and wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug before he stood up. His eyes found Tsukishima’s again, looking at him seriously. The omega felt pierced to his core, drawing a soft, sharp breath and wondering if there would ever be a day when Kuroo didn’t have this kind of effect on him.

“And you’re gonna look after her, right?” He asked. Amaterasu had turned to face Tsukishima again, and Kuroo squeezed her shoulders gently from behind. “I can trust you?”

“You can trust me.” Tsukishima echoed as a promise. It wasn’t like this was the first time he had been alone with Amaterasu; he’d looked after her before, not just when Kuroo had left him to babysit but years ago, when he’d been pregnant and wholly responsible for the life growing inside of him.

“I do.” Kuroo said with a small nod, after only a moment’s pause. Two words that meant everything. It had been Tsukishima’s decision to leave, but now it was Kuroo’s whether he should be let back in. He was so grateful for this chance, for this alpha to look at him and decide there was still something in Tsukishima that was worthy of softness.

“Be a good girl, okay?” Kuroo told Amaterasu again, patting the top of her head, and she nodded enthusiastically. His amber eyes found Tsukishima’s again. He wasn’t sure if Kuroo’s gaze really did linger on him for a few moments too long, or if that was just wishful thinking on Tsukishima’s part. “I’ll see the both of you in a couple of hours. Have a good time.” With a final kiss to Amaterasu’s cheek- he was so sweet and openly affectionate with her, it stirred something deep in the back of Tsukishima’s mind to see- Kuroo straightened up, walking off down the street towards whatever he had decided to occupy himself with while Tsukishima was with Amaterasu. He was grateful for that, too, this chance to be alone with his daughter that he had never really had before. The last time she had been in his care, he was still refusing to acknowledge that she was his. He was still lying to himself that he didn’t want her.

                  When she turned to him, beaming, he wanted to say that he didn’t know how he could ever have not wanted her. But that would have been a lie. He was still unsure of himself with her, and at the end of the day, he had still fallen pregnant when he was still busy trying to carve out a life for himself. There had been no room in him then for her. He had to allow himself that, he thought. Caring for her now meant, perhaps, forgiving himself for not being able to do it sooner.

“What are we gonna do first?” Amaterasu asked, bouncing on the balls of her feet. “Daddy didn’t give me anything to eat at home since you said we were meeting at lunchtime, he said I should tell you that so that you can feed me.” She said all at once, prompting a laugh from Tsukishima at the hasty way she tripped over her own words. She was adorable.

“We can get food first.” He told her. “The museum café serves good food. First, though, I want to fix your hair.”

One of Amaterasu’s hands went to her hair, tiny fingers tugging at a messy braid. The hair ties holding them in place were mismatched, one a fluffy scrunchie with a kitten charm and the other plain brown.

“What’s wrong with my hair?” She pouted.

“Nothing.” Tsukishima assured her, holding out his hand for her to take. He assumed that he couldn’t have offended her too badly, since she reached out to him and took his hand in hers. “Your daddy just isn’t very good at braids, that all. Or choosing hair ties.” He didn’t know how he was still better at this than Kuroo, when the alpha was the one who had grown up with sisters, but it was what it was. Amaterasu glanced around, as if she were checking her father truly had gone and wasn’t around to listen, before she nodded.

“He kinda sucks.” She whispered secretively, then clapped her little hands to her mouth and giggled. “Can I say suck? Daddy says it’s a bad word.”

“It’s fine by me.” Tsukishima said with a wry smile. “Come on.”

                  He led Amaterasu to a quieter part of the courtyard outside the museum, finding a bench beneath a tree for them to sit down on. He didn’t have a brush on him, so once he carefully removed the ties from her hair he just had to use his fingers to comb through the strands. It really was like Kuroo’s- not tatted or tangled, just _messy_. It was still glossy and soft under his fingers, and even once he had it all straightened out it still looked wild. There was still something deeply soothing about styling Amaterasu’s hair, the act of caring for his daughter settling something inside of him that he hadn’t even known was upset.

“It must be a pain, having so much hair.” He observed as he gathered all of it over one of her shoulders, starting to braid it together again. He did, after all, only have one matching hair tie.

“Kinda.” Amaterasu admitted, swinging her legs and kicking her feet in the air as she sat patiently for Tsukishima. “I wanted to cut it but Daddy wouldn’t let me because he says it’s too pretty.”

“You do have very pretty hair.” Tsukishima agreed. “But I think you should choose for yourself whether or not you want it cut. Maybe I’ll talk to Kuroo about it.” He mused. Or would that be too much, too soon? If Tsukishima tried to give Kuroo advice on how to raise their daughter, would it be like he was intruding on something that he didn’t yet have a right to?

“Would it still be pretty?”

“You can have short, pretty hair.” Tsukishima nodded. Amaterasu’s hoodie had a cat on the front, so it was the cat tie he twisted around the end of the braid to fix it into place over her shoulder. “There you go.”

Amaterasu reached up to run the braid through the circle of her fingers, and then beamed at him.

“Daddy never does it like this. Does it look nice?” She asked.

“You look lovely.” Tsukishima promised, before he moved to get up from the bench. “Come on, then. We’ll go get something to eat.”

                  Tsukishima paid for Amaterasu to get into the museum. When she asked why he didn’t have to pay for himself, he reminded her that he worked there, in the dinosaur exhibit. Her eyes lit up immediately, a wide smile crossing her face as she tugged at his hand—in the right direction, too. Tsukishima couldn’t imagine how many times she’d been to the exhibit if she was five years old and already knew by heart where it was.

“I wanna go see the dinosaurs! Please, Tsukki?”

“Food, first.” Tsukishima reminded her. He didn’t have much experience with children, but he remembered being one himself; if he let Amaterasu wander away from the café and towards the dinosaurs, then he would never get her back. He’d been exactly the same. He didn’t know how much Amaterasu might have been like him, how much of _himself_ might have found its way into her through blood alone rather than any actual influence, but he was sure of this part at least.

He walked the pair of them to the little café that the museum housed, keeping an eye on Amaterasu in the line. The weekend made the museum building, and he was careful not to lose her among the crowds. Although, he didn’t see _how_ that would even be possible. His eyes were drawn back to her easily and instinctually. Occasionally, when he got too close, a beat of slight wrongess went through him, but since he couldn’t identify the cause he simply ignored it.

They ordered the same thing, one adult and one child’s portion of ramen and then a slice of strawberry cake for each- although, Amaterasu had juice where Tsukishima was desperate for coffee. Amaterasu was quieter while she was eating, probably because she had impeccable table manners- he was glad to see that, at least. The memories of Kuroo he had in his head were so focused around the fun, exciting things they had done together; it was easy to forget all the times he’d stood washing dishes after Tsukishima cooked, ironing the laundry because his omega hated to do it, coming to bed late and leaving early to make sure all his marking was done. Those parts of a relationship were always forgotten, afterwards. He hadn’t remembered a Kuroo who would have been a responsible father instead of just a fun one, but that was his own fault for staying away for too long.

Polite or not, thought, Amaterasu was still a child. Once she had finished her food she was squirming in her seat, anxiously glancing off towards where the café melded back into the museum proper. Tsukishima wasn’t finished yet, and had a brief crisis of whether or not he should make her wait, but in the end supposed it was better not to cause a scene. That too-familiar tide rose in him again, warning him that he was out of his depth, but he pushed it firmly back down. _I do not know what I am doing yet, maybe, not totally; but I am allowed to learn_.

“Come on.” He said to Amaterasu with a faint smile, standing up from the table where he left behind the last few bites of his cake and dregs of coffee. “Let’s go see the dinosaurs.”

“Yes!” Amaterasu chirped, jumping up from her seat to follow Tsukishima out of the café and back into the hallway that led to the prehistoric exhibits in the museum. Tsukishima had to slow his pace slightly to let her walk alongside him, so she could keep up with his long strides. As they walked, Amaterasu casually reached up and took his hand, her small fingers enclosing his for a moment. Tsukishima was so startled that his pace faltered for a moment, his eyes widening in surprise. When he looked down at her, she was looking back up; and she must have seen the look on his face, since she asked,

“What?” In the adorably blunt manner of small children.

“You’re holding my hand.” Tsukishima pointed out, wiggling his fingers to draw her attention to them.

“Yeah.” Amaterasu agreed.

“Why?”

“So I don’t get lost.” She told him, her free hand pointing vaguely at the crowds of people in the museum. Her nails were tiny, too, bitten to the quick or broken from play. “It’s busy. Daddy always makes me hold his hand so I don’t get lost.” The easy confidence on her face faltered for a moment when she looked back at him, half-hidden by the fall of her hair. “Should I stop?”

“No.” Tsukishima replied for a moment, shaking his head. “You’re right—I don’t want you to get lost. You’re very smart, Amaterasu.” He told her seriously, and couldn’t stop the quirk of his lips when he saw her face light up in response. Her small hand felt so delicate in his, so that he was afraid to squeeze or grip too hard in case she would break, but it was the most precious thing in the world to him.

She didn’t stay holding onto him long, at least. Once they reached the dinosaur exhibit she let go, skipping ahead to weave in-between the other small children crowding around the fossil displays and stopping their parents from getting too close. Tsukishima’s heart stuttered in fearful protest, but he could still see her, the top of her head covered in barely-tamed black hair. It was fine, he reminded himself. The whole day so far had been fine; he was doing well.

                  He watched Amaterasu lean up on her toes, hopping slightly to get a better view of the exhibit: a model nest with baby hadrosaurs inside, curled up among the remains of broken eggshells. She was facing mostly away from him, but from what little he could still see her eyes were alight with happy curiosity, her mouth smiling the same smile he had seen so often on her father. But those eyes were his—there really was no denying it. The same colour, the same size and shape. She had his eyes exactly.

She was his daughter. Now that he had finally acknowledged, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Every time he looked at her, he remembered it anew. That she was his, in such an intrinsic way that even his leaving couldn’t wipe it away. All the time that he’d been ignoring her, she had still been there, existing in the world and in the very quietest corners of his heart, with his eyes.

                  A beta couple to his side led their two children away to go and look at the rest of the exhibit, opening up a space for Tsukishima to stop forwards, closer to Amaterasu again.

“What happened to not wanting to get lost?” He asked, looking down at her. Since he was standing behind, she had to crane her head back to look up at him, her braid slipping off her shoulder. Tsukishima stifled a laugh.

“I wanted to see the dinosaurs.” She said, facing forwards again and then leaning up on her toes.  There were still a few children standing in front of her, crowding the exhibit, and apparently height was something that Amaterasu hadn’t managed to inherit from either of her fathers. Tsukishima rolled his eyes faintly, looking down at her. After a moment of consideration, he leaned down and wrapped his arms around her middle, lifting her up into the air with a grunt. She wasn’t heavy, but he wasn’t strong.

“Tsukki!” Amaterasu squeaked in surprise, and then laughed brightly. Thankfully, his fond smile was hidden from her as long as she was looking at the model nest.

“Can you see better now?” He asked her. The laugh edging his voice was harder to hide than his smile had been.

“Yeah!” Tsukishima watched her head bob as she turned to look around the nest and the information signs surrounding it, before she gently tapped at his arm. “You can put me down now.”

Tsukishima was grateful for that at least. He breathed out a soft sigh as he let Amaterasu down on the ground, shifting her braid back into its proper place. An impulsive desire rose in him to kiss the top of her head, but he held back. It wasn’t so much that he was reluctant to go too fast, too soon, as he was too afraid to even consider doing so.

“How much do you know about dinosaurs?” Tsukishima asked her as they started walking again. Unconsciously, he held his hand out to his side and allowed her to take it again. It was a slow pace, since they had to stop at every single exhibit to look, but Tsukishima didn’t mind. Even working her, he never really got tired of admiring the museum. Especially the prehistoric exhibits.

“A lot!” Amaterasu claimed proudly, before glancing at the information sign next to the velociraptor skeleton they were studying. On a pedestal above it were animatronic models of the same dinosaur, hastily covered in a bad feather suit rather than re-making the scaly robots altogether. “But not as much as I want to.” She frowned. “Uncle Akaashi bought me some fancy books about them but I can’t read good yet.”

“Doesn’t your dad read to you?” Tsukishima asked.

“Yeah, but he doesn’t take it seriously enough.” Tsukishima had to stifle a laugh at how _serious_ she sounded about that. There was one more thing that they had in common. “He’s really good at bedtime stories—way better than you were—but not the dinosaur books.”

“I see.” Tsukishima hummed, considering. “Do you know what this one is?”

“A raptor?”

“Velociraptor.” He corrected her, just slightly.

“One of my books is about how they had feathers.”

“They did.” Tsukishima shot a dark look towards the animatronic. He didn’t care for it- not least because it looked so bad, but because he had too much of an affection for plain old fossils. It was why he didn’t mind coming back to his workplace even on his days off; he loved it so much. “Maybe not like that, though. They’re ancestors of birds— in fact, you can say every bird you see is a dinosaur, because they are.”

He wondered briefly if he was going to have to try and explain taxonomy to a five-year-old, but that wasn’t the case. Amaterasu’s eyes lit up without any explanation needed, and she laughed brightly.

“That’s so cool!” She turned to look back at the fossil, her mouth slightly open as her gold eyes tracked the bones. Quiet affection was crushing Tsukishima’s chest, seeing how eager she was to learn, to explore, to be around the things that she loved. He felt like there was nothing that he wouldn’t have chosen to do to make her happy. “How do they know how the bones go back together?” She wondered aloud.

This, Tsukishima felt he _could_ explain. He stepped forwards a little, next to her.

“You know I work here, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Before that, I used to live in another country, digging up dinosaur bones.”

“Cool!”  
“It was…”

                  They went on like that. There was a little difficulty in trying to translate the things he knew into words that a small child, even one as clever and interested in dinosaurs as Amaterasu seemed to be, would understand. But Tsukishima thought that he had managed it. Once he finished explaining one thing, they would move onto another part of the exhibit, and Amaterasu would have another question or comment, or Tsukishima would supply another interesting fact that set up a whole other conversation. He read out the information plaques to her, too, adding little comments where he thought they were needed.

Tsukishima didn’t think he would ever tire of it. When she was distracted, the parts of her that were hard to deal with were diminished—and even those parts, he thought, were getting easier and easier all the time. He was, he thought, getting used to it; he _liked_ her, liked the hours they’d spent together.

She was still so small, though. By the time they had reached the end of the exhibit, Amaterasu was dragging her feet, rubbing her eyes slightly. Tsukishima smiled sympathetically.

“Come on.” He told her gently, glancing down at the old watch on his wrist. “It’s nearly half-three; it’ll be there by the time we get outside. Your dad will be waiting.”

Amaterasu still looked tired from walking around all day, but her face lit up at that. She offered her hand to Tsukishima again, and he took it without question as he led her back to the entrance of the museum. He was a little loath to give her up, but if she was that tired she obviously needed to go home. The desire to make sure she was cared for properly far outweighed that to spend time with her—he supposed that it always had, from the first moment he decided to leave instead of tie her to a mother he didn’t believe could love her.

                  Tsukishima had been half right; Kuroo wasn’t waiting outside, but rather, just inside the entrance to the museum where the gift shop was. Seeing him seemed to give Amaterasu another quick boost of energy; she dashed off towards him, and Kuroo just barely had time to drop into a crouch and catch the hug she launched at him. He laughed, and Tsukishima couldn’t help but smile.

“Hey, Sunshine.” Kuroo was beaming once Tsukishima caught up with them. He ran a hand along Amaterasu’s side braid, giving her a quizzical look. “What happened to your hair?”

“Tsukki fixed it because you’re bad at braids.” Amaterasu replied breezily, and Tsukishima’s eyes widened in mortification for a moment before he had to fight back a smile. Kuroo looked up at him, the corners of his mouth lopsided like he couldn’t decide whether or not he wanted to laugh.

“I’m bad at braids, am I?”

“Well.” Tsukishima spread his hands helplessly. “You’re not very good.” He didn’t dare hope that the light in Kuroo’s eyes was affection, but he didn’t know what else it _could_ be. He stayed looking at Tsukishima until Amaterasu yawned, and then immediately glanced down at her in apparent concern.

“What’s up, Ama-chan? You tired?” Kuroo asked. He gathered her into his arms and lifted her up with a grunt, holding her against his hip while the little girl nodded and rubbed her sleepy eyes.

“You don’t have to carry her around everywhere.” Tsukishima couldn’t help but point out. “You’ll spoil her.”

Kuroo shrugged as best he could and kissed the top of Amaterasu’s head.

“I don’t mind her being spoiled.” He touched her cheek affectionately. “Just hold on a little longer, okay? We can take a nap when we get home.”

“ _We_?” Tsukishima repeated.

“Yeah. I’m tired too, Tsukki.” Kuroo said. Tsukishima hated the nickname from anyone who wasn’t Yamaguchi, barely tolerated it from Amaterasu; even when they were a couple, he hadn’t allowed Kuroo to call him it. But his heart leapt into his throat when he heard it now, accompanied by the roguish grin on Kuroo’s face and the playful look in his eyes. It wasn’t _Kei_ , breathed out as reverently as a prayer, but it still spoke of affection. He had finally realised his daughter was more important than Kuroo, but that didn’t mean Tsukishima still didn’t hunger for his alpha’s affection.

“I guess you better get home to bed, then.” Tsukishima said. Kuroo nodded, before he turned to Amaterasu.

“Did you have a good time with Tsukki today?” He asked her, and she nodded again, perking up with a smile despite her sleepiness.

“Yeah! It was really fun.” She gushed. “He taught me all about dinosaurs, even more than I already knew!”

“That’s a lot.” Kuroo sounded impressed. “I’m glad you had a good time, sunshine.” He glanced at Tsukishima, then, his hand running over Amaterasu’s braid again as the expression on his face softened. “Thank you.”

Tsukishima blinked. “For?”

“Just… thank you.” Kuroo said softly, and Tsukishima thought he understood. The alpha glanced down at her daughter, nudging her to get her attention when he saw that her head had lolled against her shoulder. “Hey, Ama-chan?”

“Daddy?”

“Would you like to have more days out like this?” Kuroo was speaking to Amaterasu, but his eyes were watching Tsukishima. “With Tsukki, I mean. I promise I won’t get jealous if you wanna hang out with him more often.” He smiled wryly. “Would that be good?”

“Yeah!” Amaterasu beamed, twisting around in Kuroo’s arms to look at Tsukishima. “Please can we, Tsukki?”

“Sure.” He said, unable to help but smiling back. Warmth spread all through his chest, knowing that his daughter liked him, admired him, wanted to see him. Even if she didn’t know that he was her mother, it was almost enough.

“We can arrange another day when Ama isn’t tired.” Kuroo told him, nodding once. “But for now, we’ve gotta get home. Can you walk, Ama?”

Amaterasu pouted, but when she nodded Kuroo set her back down on the ground and took her hand.

“I’ll call you later, to arrange another time.” Kuroo hesitated for a moment, then added, with a small smile. “I’m glad you’re so good with her. I thought… I’m glad.”

“I’m glad I didn’t disappoint you.” Tsukishima clasped his hands in front of himself with a small nod. “I’ll see you again soon, Amaterasu. And Kuroo.”

“See you.” Kuroo smiled, the crooked smile that made Tsukishima’s heart flutter. He wasn’t sure when the last time had been, when he’d felt so earnestly, weightlessly happy.

“Bye, Tsukki!” Amaterasu waved at him before her father turned her away, heading off down the street with her. Tsukishima could already hear her chattering excitedly away about how her day had been, pushing through her sleepiness.

 _I love her_. The thought came to him unbidden. He blushed, pushing it immediately aside—that was too soon, too much—but he had thought it all the same. What other word for it was there, to describe how badly he wanted to protect and care for her, to see her happy and know that she thought he was someone worthy?

 _I love them both_.


	13. Pâro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From [The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows:](http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/)
> 
> **Pâro:** _(noun)_ the feeling that no matter what you do is always somehow wrong—that any attempt to make your way comfortably through the world will only end up crossing some invisible taboo—as if there’s some obvious way forward that everybody else can see but you, each of them leaning back in their chair and calling out helpfully, ‘colder, colder, colder’.

“Aren’t you cold?”

Tsukishima expected to see his breath form a cloud of mist in the air when he spoke, but it did not; apparently, his tolerance for less-than-stellar weather was getting worse in recent years. The chains on the swing-set creaked idly each time the swing moved, and Tsukishima held out his hands to push Amaterasu high in the air again. He laughed, kicking her legs and letting her head tip back, hair trailing through the air after her. It had been left mostly alone today; instead of braided, Kuroo had just tied it back with a mint ribbon decorated with pandas from a set Tsukishima had bought her last week. He had more money for frivolities than Kuroo did, since he wasn’t the one who had to house and clothe and feed their daughter, and he’d ended up in something of a habit of buying small presents for her when they saw each other.

He just pitied Kuroo a little- being left loose throughout the day, Tsukishima suspected Amaterasu’s hair would be murder to brush for bed that night.

“Nope.” She finally replied to him when the swing sailed down again, her voice half carried away when he pushed her back up.

“It’s just not a very nice day.” Tsukishima glanced up at the sky. It was white instead of blue where the dull weather had sapped the colour and covered it in clouds. They’d been out for a little over an hour and a half, Tsukishima thought, at the playpark. Earlier, there’d been other children there, and it had made him happy to watch how easily Amaterasu laughed and played with them. She was so much like him in so many ways. She might have been her father’s spitting image, but it was almost eerie how much her personality reminded him of himself as a child. It made him wonder if maybe nature really was more important than nurture.

So he had worried that she might have been shy, or quiet, or struggled to find friends the way that Tsukishima had when he was younger- and, in truth, still did to this day. He’d breathed a sigh of relief at seeing her play with other children easily enough, charging around after a group of small boys pretending to be a dragon attacking a group of knights because she had refused to play the princess.

She was her own person, though, and stubborn. When the parents of the other children had taken them home as the temperature began to drop, Amaterasu insisted on staying a little longer. Tsukishima had agreed, but she was allowed one more turn on one of the activities only before they headed home. It wasn’t as much to do with the cold, he promised her, as the fact that Kuroo had texted him to say dinner was almost ready, and she didn’t want to miss it.

“ _I_ think it’s a nice day.” Amaterasu insisted when she swung back down, and Tsukishima couldn’t help but smile.

“Well, _I_ think that you’re wrong.”

“I think you’re old,” Amaterasu said on her next swing back down, and Tsukishima had to swallow his laughter. “But I know you’re smart too,” Up she went again. “So does that mean I’m wrong?”

“No.” Tsukishima told her. The next time the swing came back down he held it instead of pushing again, bringing her to a careful stop. “You’re allowed to disagree with me if you don’t think it’s cold— that’s just an opinion, even if I am smart.” He patted her shoulder, gentle and affectionate. “You’re _not_ allowed to argue with me, though, because I’m a grown up; and I say it’s time to go home.”

Amaterasu twisted around on the swing to pout at him, blinking sad eyes. From the brief discussions he had with Kuroo whenever their daughter was picked up or dropped off, he’d gathered she’d been practicing that sad-puppy look on him for _years_. It had been developed practically to perfection, eerily like her father’s own. Tsukishima just crossed his arms over his chest, raising an eyebrow at her.

“You know that doesn’t work on me, Amaterasu.” He’d had enough practice with Kuroo . Her shoulders slumped.

“I know.” She sighed, sliding off the swing and immediately reaching out for Tsukishima’s hand. He took it without hesitation, holding onto her as he led her towards the gate leading out of the play park.

“I don’t like spoiling your fun,” He reminded her gently. “But you’d have missed your dinner if we stayed any later. And even if you _are_ tough,” He nudged her playfully, bringing a reluctant little smile to her lips. “It really was getting cold. I’d have felt guilty keeping you out any longer.”

Amaterasu rolled her eyes. “Grown ups are lame.” She said, and Tsukishima let it slide—she wasn’t entirely wrong.

                  They’d picked that park because it was nearby Kuroo’s house, just a five-minute walk back up the winding path until they reached his front garden again. Tsukishima had been dropping by to take Amaterasu off his hands for a while every Saturday for weeks now, and usually he would take her into the city to do something fun; but this week, he’d only just gotten back from visiting his brother in Miyagi that morning, and there hadn’t been time to do anything extravagant even though he still desperately wanted to see his daughter.

It had been good to get home. He was sure Akiteru would have had a stroke if Tsukishima stayed in Tokyo without a visit for much longer. As much as he tried to reassure his older brother that things were going fine, better than they had been in a long time, the tearful phone calls of a few months ago still weighed heavily on his mind. It was only seeing that Tsukishima was fine in _person_ that made Akiteru relax again, finally reassured that his baby brother really was making an effort to fix the mess he’d made of his life.

Dropping by to see Yamaguchi had been nice, too. He was still as disgustingly in love with Yachi has he had ever been, but that made him no less good of a friend—his concern for Tsukishima was always there, but unlike Akiteru, he actually _believed_ him when he said he was okay. Even so, he still had his worries.

“What about Kuroo?” He had asked in a low, soft voice over a cup of sake one evening, when Yachi had stayed late back at work and left the two men alone together. “I’m glad you’re finally having a relationship with Amaterasu—you both deserve it—but is it not… hard, seeing him all the time? You do still have feelings for him, right?”

“Of course.” Tsukishima had sighed, idly rubbing the old bond mark scar on his neck. “I’m not sure that I’ll ever _stop_ having feelings for him, really. But it’s—manageable. I can deal with it. They sort of fade into the background now, especially with Amaterasu there. She’s my priority now. You just get used to it.”

Yamaguchi had nodded, solemn and serious and sincere. “Okay, Tsukki. As long as you’re happy.”

“I am.” Tsukishima had said, curling his fingers tighter around his cup. “Or I’m getting there. It’s better than it has been in a long time. I really like my life.” He ducked his head, smiling a small and secretive smile. Even in his peripheral vision, he could see Yamaguchi _beam_.  
“I’m happy for you, Tsukki! I really am.”

                  Tsukishima wasn’t sure when Kuroo’s house had stopped feeling like a stranger’s; it had been a gradual thing, stretched out so slowly over the course of many weeks that he didn’t even really notice it until it had already happened. But it had happened, as Tsukishima dropped by again and again and slowly learned the layout of the place, as Amaterasu’s things mixed in with Kuroo’s stopped looking so strange and started looking more natural. His home was still his apartment back in the centre of Tokyo, but now Kuroo’s house had become just as central a location in his life as the museum or the café where he stopped for lunch.

He took off Amaterasu’s coat when she stepped through the door and hung it up on one of the pegs sticking out of the wall before he took off his own shoes to step inside; keeping an idle hand at his daughter’s back to guide her up the small step into the house.

“We’re back!” He called out, steering Amaterasu towards the kitchen. He paused to sniff the air, Kuroo’s alpha scent that usually marked the house covered up for now with something even more enticing. “Smells good.” He commented as he caught sight of Kuroo at the stove, glancing away immediately to watch Ama climb up onto one of the kitchen chairs.

“It’s katsu pork.” Kuroo grinned, his chest puffing out slightly with pride. Tsukishima rolled his eyes, but he had to turn his head away again to hide his own smile. Even now they were both theoretically _grown-ups_ , compliments still made Kuroo fluff up like a tomcat.

“I didn’t know you could cook.” Tsukishima taunted, just to bring him down a peg.

“You don’t know a lotta things, Kei.” Kuroo winked, jabbing a finger at him playfully. “While you were off at your fancyass university, I was learning _domesticity_. I cook, I clean—I’m a real desirable alpha.”

“Clearly.” Tsukishima snorted.

“I’ll get you.” Kuroo warned, before he moved to plate up the food. “Do you wanna stay for dinner? I cooked too much, I think.”

Tsukishima blinked. Since that day he’d taken Amaterasu to the museum, when Kuroo had smiled at him, the alpha had been growing softer. The things he’d said to him at Bokuto and Akaashi’s wedding still weighed heavily on Tsukishima’s mind—he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to forget the way they’d stung—but it was getting better. The more Tsukishima proved he really did care about Amaterasu, that he really did want to be around her and was willing to work for it, the more Kuroo warmed to him. His smiles came more frequently and easily, as did his kind words; sometimes he even _invited_ Tsukishima to see her, rather than him having to ask.

But it had never gone so far yet as staying for dinner. The visits to the Kuroo household were still brief despite their frequency. Tsukishima could try to tell himself that Kuroo didn’t matter anymore, but even though it _was_ true that Amaterasu was more important, he still couldn’t help the way his heart raced whenever the alpha did anything out of the ordinary. He was constantly second-guessing all of it, wondering what it meant each time Kuroo’s gaze lingered on him too long. It couldn’t, he thought, be that hard to figure out how much food was too much to feed two. Had Kuroo cooked too much deliberately, so he had an excuse to ask Tsukishima to stay?

No—that was ridiculous. Kuroo’s eyes were bigger than his stomach, of course it had been an accident.

And yet. The invitation was real.

“Sure.” Tsukishima replied with a small nod, as if everything Kuroo did wasn’t worthy of a small, quiet crisis in the back of his head. The idea that the rest of his life would be like this, aching after Kuroo whenever he had to interact with him because of their daughter, was daunting. “Saves me from having to cook when I get home.”

“Great.” Kuroo grinned.

                  Nodding his head, Tsukishima made his way over to the kitchen table and took the space next to where Amaterasu was sitting, idly swinging her legs.

“You’re staying for dinner?” She smiled brightly at him, and he nodded again. “Cool! Daddy is a really good cook.”

“I’m sure.” Tsukishima nodded. He could never remember Kuroo’s cooking when they’d lived together being _bad_ , it was just that he often got distracted and didn’t always know how much seasoning was too much. He was sure he’d improved after a few more years of practice. Or at least, he hoped.

Tsukishima kept Amaterasu company while Kuroo laid out the food on the table before he sat down with them; opposite Amaterasu and next to Tsukishima. It meant that when Ama fussed (which, to her credit, only happened once) Tsukishima was the one who had to deal with her and remind her that she needed to eat. It also meant that his elbow occasionally bumped against Kuroo’s, causing a similar electric shock through his nerves to the one he felt whenever their hands accidentally bumped together when they both reached for the same plate of vegetables, or to refill their glasses of water at the same time. Tsukishima wanted to imagine it as an effect of the mating bond, the last few bits of it still clinging on, but he wasn’t fooling anyone anymore, not even himself. He knew that he loved him. The dinner was cruel, that way, a glimpse into what he perhaps could have had if he hadn’t left, but it made him happy anyway.

                  Amaterasu finished eating first, but she sat with extraordinary patience for a five-year-old, yawning into her hand as she watched her parents finish their own meals.

“Hey, Sunshine,” Kuroo said gently, pushing his bowl away from himself with a small smile. “You tired.”

Amaterasu hummed, rubbing her eyes before she nodded. “A little.”

“That’s fine.” He glanced across at Tsukishima. “Kei, are you finished eating?” The omega nodded. “Okay. Well, dinner’s over now anyway, so you just need to take a bath and I can get you to bed. Kei, can you let yourself out?” Kuroo asked. He was looking at Tsukishima when he said it; his mistake was trying to stand up and collect in the dishes at the same time. When he turned around to head for the sink, he caught his leg against the table and stumbled, sending dirty crockery crashing down to shatter on the floor.

“Oh, fu-udge.” Kuroo bowed his head, pinching the bridge of his nose in apparent despair, before he gave Amaterasu a small smile. “Okay, you might have to wait a little while for the bath while Daddy cleans this up. It’s my fault, Ama, I’m sorry.”

“But I’m tired…” Amaterasu didn’t whine, but her lower lip did jut out just a little bit. Luckily it ended up seeming cuter than it did bratty.

“I know you are, Sunshine.” Kuroo sighed. He leaned down to affectionately brush a hand over Ama’s hair, kissing the top of her head. “But I can’t help it, I have to clean up before the mess gets worse. You’ll just have to wait.” He paused for a moment, before his amber eyes flickered up to rest on Tsukishima. “Unless Kei wants to give you a bath, I guess. That’d work fine.”

Tsukishima blinked. He was used, by now, to having some measure of responsibility over Amaterasu, keeping her fed and out of trouble when they were out together. But it was another thing entirely to be asked to take care of daily tasks in her own home, like he was babysitting her again.

And yet he didn’t see a reason not to. She was his daughter—it couldn’t be that hard to look after her. If he hadn’t run away, he would have been doing it from the start.

“Of course.” Tsukishima nodded, looking away from the alpha to fix his eyes on Ama instead. “Would you mind that, Amaterasu?”

Amaterasu beamed. “No! Let’s go, Tsukki.” Her sudden burst of energy lasted only long enough for her to hastily jump up from the kitchen table before she yawned again, holding her arms out to him as she stumbled forwards.

“I’m not strong enough to pick you up.” Tsukishima reminded her dryly. “And I think Kuroo spoils you when he does it anyway.”

“You’re no fun.” Amaterasu pouted up at him. Tsukishima raised one delicate eyebrow.

“Don’t be rude.” He said, but there was no real reproach in his voice.

                  He let Amaterasu lead him up the stairs, carefully dodging around the mess Kuroo was beginning to clean up on the kitchen floor. He sent her to go and wait in her room while he crouched on the tiled floor and ran the bath; keeping an eye on her through the two open doors while she played with her dolls. Once the bath was full of water that wasn’t overly hot or cold, he called out for her, kneeling patiently next to the tub as she got in.

“You forgot your ribbon.” He noted, pulling it gently free from her hair so that he could wash it.

“Oops.” Amaterasu giggled, and Tsukishima smiled fondly as he combed his fingers through her hair. Even with the ribbon, it had gotten into a mess- only braids could control it, and even then only somewhat. But up close it was never matted or knotted up; it was soft as he washed it. She just had messy hair, like her father did.

She did look so much like Kuroo, but the more time he spent with her the more of himself he saw in her. Not just his eyes, but the way her smile crinkled her face the same way Akiteru’s did, or how her nose sloped the same way as his mother’s. He treasured those little glimpses, small reminders that she was his—always would be, even though he’d messed up. It was an incentive to keep trying.

                  By the time Tsukishima had finished bathing Amaterasu and wrapped her in a fluffy towel to shepherd her back to her bedroom, Kuroo was waiting for them in the hallway.

“Hey, Ama-chan.” He grinned down at her. “Did you have a good bath?”

“Yeah! Can you read me a bedtime story, Daddy?”

“That’s why I came up here.” Kuroo nodded, taking Amaterasu from Tsukishima so that he could put her to bed.

“I can let myself out.” Tsukishima spoke up quietly—he didn’t want to disturb them. Kuroo glanced up, meeting his eyes, but he was silent for a lot longer than the omega thought that he really needed to be.

“You can stay, if you want.” He said, and then disappeared into Ama’s room with her.

Tsukishima blinked. He had been expecting he would leave like every other night when his designated time with his daughter was over. He knew that he _should_ leave, probably, if he knew what was good with him. He might have been happy with Amaterasu, but Kuroo himself was still an unpleasantly sticky situation.

And yet, he still made Tsukishima stupid.

The omega made his way back downstairs, glancing briefly into the kitchen to see that Kuroo had done a good job of cleaning up. Then he glanced at the door, and considered it; but in the end he just made his way to the living room to make himself comfortable.

_I kissed Kuroo here_ , he recalled as he sat down. He didn’t know why it meant much—he had _fucked_ Kuroo in his own bed, and he didn’t think about that every time he crawled between the sheets—but it did.

He waited on his own in the living room for some time before he heard movement, and Kuroo emerged from behind the door. He offered Tsukishima a small smile before he joined him on the couch. In each of his hands, he held a cup of sake, handing one to Tsukishima and keeping the other to himself to take a sip.

“She’s asleep?” Tsukishima asked after he’d drank a little.

“Yeah.” Kuroo nodded. “Was she good for the bath?”

“She’s always good.” Tsukishima shrugged, picking at the hem of his cardigan. It was true—Amaterasu was a remarkably well-behaved child, he thought, much better than his nieces.

“I know.” Kuroo grinned, proud—he should be proud, Tsukishima mused. Whatever Amaterasu was, Kuroo had done it all by himself. “Do you still like nature documentaries?” The alpha asked, reaching for the remote. When Tsukishima nodded, he switched to a channel that showed them, settling back a little.

For a while, Tsukishima was content to be silent and simply watch television with Kuroo, but once he had finished his sake he couldn’t keep holding his tongue for much longer.

“Why did you ask me to stay for a while?” Tsukishima glanced at Kuroo out of the corner of his eye. “I mean… I’m grateful, still, that you let me keep spending time with Amaterasu; but I still kind of thought that you didn’t like me much anymore.”

Kuroo hummed contemplatively. He finished his own drink before he deigned to give Tsukishima an answer.

“I tried not to like you.” He admitted, his amber eyes flicking up to gaze at the ceiling. “I figured that would make it easier to keep being around you without _temptation_.” An ironic smile crossed his face. Tsukishima rolled his eyes—surely, it wouldn’t have killed Kuroo to be serious. But maybe it was better like this. Maybe it would make whatever he was saying easier to stomach. So much of what Kuroo said to him hurt somewhere, even if it was the sweet things that just reminded him of what he could no longer have. “But it wasn’t working, so I figured I’d just go with it. I do like you, Kei.” He finally looked at him again, then. “I like you more and more every day.”

“Why?”

“Fishing for compliments?” Kuroo teased gently, and then shrugging. “Because you’re still the same person I fell in love with when I was seventeen, I guess.”

“Twenty.” Tsukishima corrected him quietly. They hadn’t started dating until college.

“No, seventeen.” Kuroo’s smile was wry and thin, but there was something soft and fond in his eyes that Tsukishima hadn’t seen from the alpha in far too long. “From the moment I first set eyes on you, Tsukishima Kei, I knew you would be my omega—” The grandiose tone of his voice suggested he was going to go on like that for a while, but Tsukishima cut him off with a scoff and a shove to the shoulder. His cheeks flamed. He couldn’t listen to that, not just because it was embarrassing but because it was needlessly cruel. He doubted it was deliberate—this was _Kuroo_ , he didn’t have a single cruel bone in his body—but it still stung. He was not Kuroo’s omega anymore.

“Shut up.” Tsukishima laughed, trying to be playful, but it might have come off a little more sharply than he had intended. _Playful_ had never been something that came naturally to him.

“Alright, alright.” Kuroo drawled, placating him. “But it’s true. So I like you for that—you haven’t really changed that much. But now you’re a good mom, too.” He shrugged his shoulders, while Tsukishima ducked his head. He still wasn’t used to anyone acknowledging that he was a parent, let alone that he might not be as terrible of one as he had always feared.

“She doesn’t even know that I’m her mother.” He pointed out.

“I know.” Kuroo nodded. “But that doesn’t mean you’re not good at it. I know you don’t see her a lot, but when you do, she has fun with you. You’re good at looking after her.”

“I like looking after her.” Tsukishima admitted, almost shyly. “It makes me feel… quiet—calm, inside. Settled somehow.” He swallowed. “I’m not—I don’t think that I’ll ever really know how to play, how to be _fun_ with her. But I figure I can at least _care_ for her. That’s easier.” That came naturally. But he supposed that Kuroo could do that, too, so it wasn’t really like Tsukishima was giving her anything that she couldn’t get anywhere else. He wished that he could, that he was somehow special to Amaterasu, but the only unique thing he could offer her was the title of _mother_ , and what good would that do? He didn’t even _like_ his own mother. It was nothing special, nothing that mattered. He remembered her asking him if he knew who her mother was, but that was just a child’s musings—she was so young, of course she would want to know. When she got older, she wouldn’t care; she would resent him, probably, for having left in the first place, even if he had come back.

                  “Hey.” Tsukishima jumped when gentle fingers touched his shoulder. He hadn’t even realised he had fallen into sulking, swallowed up by dark thoughts, until Kuroo snapped him out of it. “She does have fun with you, though. She always comes back happy, and excited, and she wants to see you again all the time.”

Slowly, Tsukishima looked up at him. “She does?” He knew that Amaterasu liked him—it wasn’t like she made an effort to hide it—and that made him happier than anything, but it was good to hear approval come from someone else, too.

“Mhm-hm.” Kuroo nodded. “And as much as I hate to admit it, I think you’re doing a really good job. Even if you’re not giving her piggyback rides and playing tea parties with her and stuff, you still make her happy. There’s more than one way to be a parent, you know.”

“I know.” Tsukishima nodded, looking down again. He supposed he just hadn’t realised that there was more than one way to be a _good_ parent.

“Good.” Kuroo smiled, standing up. “And people who are good at looking after kids deserve _breaks.”_ He winked conspirationally at Tsukishima before disappearing into the kitchen, returning to the sake bottle to pour out more. Smiling crookedly, Tsukishima raised his cup for Kuroo to refill.

“If you insist.” He hummed.

                  They ended up watching a documentary about the African savannah, sitting together on the couch in more comfort that Tsukishima would have dared believe was still possible for them. At first, he sat stiffly on one end of the couch while Kuroo lazed on the other, but the longer the night went on and the more sake flowed, the more they moved. Tsukishima tucked his legs up comfortably underneath him, while Kuroo shifted gradually along the length of the sofa. The omega’s breath caught in his throat the first time he felt Kuroo’s thigh brush against his, but he held his ground; and Kuroo didn’t stop moving. After an hour, they were pressed together, with Tsukishima hyper-conscious of every place that their bodies touched. It was like it would have been if they were still a couple, he thought. Except if they were, Kuroo would probably have had his arm around Tsukishima’s waist, and Tsukishima would have rested his head on the alpha’s shoulder. Eventually, he did that, and it was enough to make Kuroo to turn his head to look at him.

“Comfy?” He murmured. His arm moved, as if he wanted to put it somewhere else, before falling back down at his side.

“Quite.” Tsukishima replied dryly, playing with his empty cup. He felt warm and content, Kuroo’s scent still soothing to him even after so many years. “Your couch is nice.”

“Yeah,” Kuroo sighed. “Ama-chan had a phase where she liked jumping around on it. Kinda got rid of all the hardness. ‘Specially when I joined in too.”

Tsukishima laughed. “I wish I had seen it.” He said, and then paused. “I wish I had seen a lot of things to do with Amaterasu; I wish I’d been around.”

Kuroo was quiet for a while.

“I wish you had, too.” He admitted. “The first few months—first few years, really, after you were gone… it was one of the hardest times of my life. I love my little girl, but I loved my omega too.” He looked down at Tsukishima, and Tsukishima looked back up at him. He still felt that spark when their eyes met. “I really missed you.” Once again, he was silent for some time. “Did you miss me?”

“I did.” Tsukishima admitted freely. Kuroo was the one person who had allowed himself to believe that it wasn’t weak to show emotions, to care. “I missed you a lot. And then I got angry.”

Kuroo raised his eyebrows. “Angry?”

Tsukishima nodded. “I know I was the one who left, but you were the one who made me choose. I was angry at you for picking a child that you hadn’t met over me. For not… understanding, how hard it was for me to be pregnant.”

“What made you change your mind?” Kuroo asked, soft. “You didn’t seem that mad anymore when I came back.”

“Time.” Tsukishima shrugged. He was still looking at Kuroo, quiet but serious. “And I do understand, now. Why you would pick her over me. I would do the same.”

“Do you love her?”

Tsukishima was quiet. He did, but to say it aloud was another thing.

“Yes.” He said, dropping his gaze to play with his cardigan again. “I do.”

“That’s how I felt from the second you told me you were pregnant.” Kuroo said. “So that’s why I picked her over you. I know that I could have been a better alpha to you when you were pregnant—that I could have been more supportive. I just didn’t know how when I loved her so much and you just… didn’t.”

“I understand that now, too.” Tsukishima shrugged. “I think I’ve understood it for a long time. I just needed someone to be angry at while I was alone.”

Kuroo nodded understandingly. After a while, he spoke again.

“Was there… ever anyone else? Some sexy American alpha who swept you off your feet.”

Tsukishima smiled thinly, and shook his head.

“No. I dated, a little, but never anything serious. And maybe I slept around a little. But you were… it, I think. Probably still are. I never wanted an alpha before you and I don’t want another one now, after you.”

“Mate for life, huh?” Kuroo teased gently, but when Tsukishima raised an eyebrow at him, he guiltily ducked his head. “Sorry- probably shouldn’t joke about that. But, uh,” He swallowed. “There hasn’t been anyone else for me, either. It’s hard being a single parent, and I just—didn’t—want, to. So. That date we went on was actually… actually the first time I’d had sex since you left.”

“Wow.” Tsukishima was surprised, but he wasn’t sure why. It didn’t seem unlike Kuroo.

“Mhm. So, there’s my big secret.” When Kuroo looked at Tsukishima this time, he didn’t look away again. His eyes were so dark, pupils swallowing up deep amber, shaded by thick lashes. For a moment, Tsukishima was mesmerised, until Kuroo shifted slightly closer. _Danger, danger_ , screamed the warning bells in the back of his head. _You can’t do this again. You’ll go crazy_.

Leaning back felt like a physical pain, but Tsukishima did it anyway.

“I should get home.” He murmured. “Shower and get some sleep, you know. It’s getting late.”

When Tsukishima retreated, so did Kuroo. The alpha nodded, blinking slowly until the colour returned to his eyes and the spike in his scent faded away.

“Yeah.” He agreed, starting to get up. “Think I drank too much.” He laughed. “I’ll show you out.”

                  Kuroo escorted Tsukishima to the front door, stepping outside with him and drawing it mostly closed to keep the warm air in.

“Thanks for hanging out for a while.” He said with a small smile. “It was nice to see you again, now that I’ve come to my senses.”

“I don’t think you ever lost them.” Tsukishima shrugged a little. “You just wanted to protect your daughter.”

“You’re good for my daughter.” Kuroo licked his lips. “Our daughter.”

When he leaned in again this time, Tsukishima closed his eyes and surrendered to it—he had never been anything other than human, and hopelessly in love. He would let the disaster happen; he didn’t have the strength to move away.

But the touch to his lips that he had been expecting didn’t come. When he opened his eyes again, Kuroo was dangerously close, but making no effort to close the remaining gap. Tsukishima could taste his breath, and he ached for it.

“I’ll,” His voice came out croaky, so he cleared his throat and tried again. “I’ll see you next week.”

“Actually,” Kuroo murmured. There, under the golden light of the setting sun, he reached out and took Tsukishima’s hand. “I think it’s—stupid, this once a week thing. You’re her mom.” He said it firmly, _affirming_ it. If Tsukishima acknowledged it, so would he. “You can drop by to see her whenever. I know you won’t hurt her.”

Tsukishima couldn’t breathe. “Thank you,” he managed to say anyway.

“No problem.” Kuroo murmured. He leaned in again, backed up, hesitated. Conflict flickered across his face. In the end, he dropped Tsukishima’s hand and stepped back. “I’ll see you later, Tsukishima.”

“See you.” The omega nodded. After Kuroo had gone back inside and closed the door, he lingered there on the front step; closing his eyes to savour the last wisps of his scent. Then he turned to return to his apartment, arms wrapped around himself in a solitary embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what's this? an update? sorry again for taking so long! i've been saying that a lot lately
> 
> so! if you didn't see on tumblr (which you should follow me on if you don't already) i'm gonna take a shot at camp nanowrimo in april. which means, in order to focus completely on that- i'll be using it to finish my other fic _hex_ , by the way- falling slowly needs to be finished by the end of march. so, that's the goal! if all goes to plan, this story will be over by march 31st.
> 
> i'm writing as fast as i can but i doubt i'll get another chapter out before tuesday, so i want to say this also: falling slowly is almost a year old! march 7th marks the anniversary of its being uploaded, which is fucking crazy. i can't believe how much of my life i've devoted to writing this fic, and you guys to reading it. thank you so much <3


	14. Fool

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Fool:** _(noun)_ a person who acts unwisely or imprudently.

Tsukishima couldn’t stop thinking about it: Kuroo’s lips, coming so close to his own but never quite closing the gap. His scent, arousing alpha musk that at the same time was so familiar it was more of a comfort to Tsukishima than a turn-on. His voice, when he said, _you’re the same person that I fell in love with_. It all went around and around, endlessly in his head. It made his stomach fill with butterflies to think of it, just like he was a teenager again; except, this time it wasn’t quite so simple as it had been then. The giddy feeling of being desired was tainted by knowing that it would be foolish to take what he wanted. He wanted a memory, nothing that he could have again.

                  Kuroo was silent through the week. Normally, they would have been texting idly back and forth, amicable little messages to each other in order to arrange when Tsukishima was going to see Amaterasu on Saturday, what he was going to do with her and how long they would be gone. When Kuroo didn’t initiate another variant of that now-familiar conversation this week, Tsukishima was a little concerned, until he remembered what the alpha had said to him. He was Amaterasu’s mother, and he could drop by to see her whenever he liked without needing to arrange it first. Of course Kuroo wasn’t going to guide him through arranging meetups anymore—Tsukishima could do it himself.

Except, he _couldn’t_. All week, he told himself to drop by Kuroo’s house; or, failing that, to at least pick up the phone and _ask_ if he could drop by. But he couldn’t. It was nothing to do with Amaterasu. He was her mother, and he no longer had any qualms about acting like it. But it was everything to do with Kuroo. Before that weekend, he wouldn’t have cared about ruffling his feathers, but with the memory of an almost-kiss fresh on his mind he couldn’t bring himself to make the first contact. He didn’t know what he was afraid of—rejection, maybe, if he actually was afraid of anything at all.

It ate at him, though, as the week wore on. He missed his daughter. Even if he didn’t usually speak to Amaterasu outside of a few scattered hellos through the phone when he was arranging things with Kuroo, not knowing for certain that he would see her at the weekend made him uncomfortable.

                  When he was leaving work on Friday, he finally broke. Once he boarded the subway, Tsukishima headed not back towards his own apartment, but instead took the direction that would lead him to Kuroo’s house. _He said he could drop by whenever_ , the omega reminded himself. _And this is whenever. This is still about Amaterasu, like it always has been, so what happened last week means nothing and shouldn’t change anything. I just want to see my daughter_.

That didn’t stop his nerves fraying as he walked from the station to the quieter part of the city where Kuroo lived. He would have to speak to the alpha before he could see Amaterasu, and he didn’t know what he would say. He didn’t know if he would even acknowledge what had happened—what had _almost_ happened—at all, and he didn’t know which option would be worse.

As ever, nothing was as bad in real life as Tsukishima built it up to be in his head. When he knocked on the front door and Kuroo answered, he raised his eyebrows in apparent surprise, but smiled at him anyway.

“Kei.” The alpha greeted him easily, before glancing around like he expected to see something else. “What are you doing here?”

“You said that I could come by to see Amaterasu whenever I wanted.” Tsukishima reminded him. He clasped his hands in front of himself, twisting his fingers anxiously. “Are you taking that back already?”

“No.” Kuroo assured him, shaking his head. “It’s just that—it’s a Friday, y’know? Ama-chan stays with my mom on Fridays, remember?”

“Oh.” Now that Kuroo mentioned it, Tsukishima _did_ remember; it was just a shame that he hadn’t remembered until he was already standing on the doorstep. He could feel his cheeks slowly heating up, and he stepped back to turn away. Before he could say something like, ‘I’ll come back tomorrow,’ Kuroo spoke up first.

“I mean,” The alpha said hastily. “You can come see her when she gets back, but—if you wanted to hang out for a while tonight, that’d be fine too. Obviously it’d just be me and you, not Ama, but… still.”

Tsukishima hesitated, his teeth digging into his lower lip. He thought that after so many years, maybe he would finally learn how not to feel so unmoored around Kuroo, but it didn’t seem like it was going to happen any time soon.

“Sure.” He replied, finally. “I can stay for a while.” If he had gone home, he would only have sat around moping and reflecting on his failings as a human anyway. If he was going to be uncomfortable, it might as well be with Kuroo.

“Cool.” Kuroo smiled, perking up. “I just ordered a pizza, do you mind splitting?”

“I don’t mind.” Tsukishima shook his head and stepped inside, hanging up his coat and scarf. It was warm in the house, and it smelled like Kuroo and Amaterasu—his family, he supposed. It was enough to bring a small smile to the omega’s face, the nerves that had plagued him before now melting away. It felt almost more welcoming than his own home.

                  When he made his way into the living room, Kuroo had reclaimed his seat on the sofa where presumably he’d been sprawled before Tsukishima knocked. He was still wearing his work clothes, he realised, although his tie had been discarded and his dress shirt unbuttoned low enough to bare his collarbones. Tsukishima tried not to let his eyes linger on his rolled-up sleeves.

The pair of them settled in front of the television to wait for the pizza to be delivered. Kuroo refused to watch another nature documentary again, so they settled instead on a mediocre drama that the alpha had, apparently, become shamefully invested in since it was always airing on Friday nights when he had nothing better to do. Tsukishima smirked and poked fun at the flat characters and over-dramatic plot, gently needling the alpha for actually liking it until he was laughing and shoving him away. It only stopped when Kuroo had to go and collect the pizza, and the smile that he gave Tsukishima when he settled back down with it was so winning and bright that the omega felt honestly dazed for a few moments.

Sitting next to Kuroo, he took a slice from the box and nibbled on it delicately, carefully, in contrast to the way the alpha wolfed his own food down. The conversation waned with both their mouths full, but that didn’t mean that Tsukishima couldn’t glance to one side and watch Kuroo out of the corner of his eye, taking quiet pleasure in the way his face morphed into different expressions whenever something outlandish happened on the television. It was ridiculous—everything about the alpha was ridiculous, but at the same time, so painfully charming that Tsukishima didn’t know how _everyone_ didn’t fall for him. His life would have been so much easier had he been able to hate him.

“This is weird.” The omega eventually found himself saying in a quiet voice, setting down the second slice of pizza that he had barely touched. Kuroo turned to him, slurping up the strings of cheese that had been hanging out of his mouth, and Tsukishima gave him a dismayed look. He had no idea that the omega was about to spring a serious conversation on him, after all, but _still_.

“It is?” Kuroo shuffled around slightly so that he could face Tsukishima without having to turn his head around, tucking his legs up comfortably on the couch under himself in contrast to where the omega sat prim and proper, with his hands folded on his thighs. “I mean—what is?”

“This, I guess.” Tsukishima sighed. “Acting like… there’s nothing wrong, or nothing’s different. I know you told me that you’re not really mad at me anymore, but I still can’t help—I just think about Bokuto and Akaashi’s wedding, all the time, and the things that you said to me. The things you said _after_ that. It’s weird to me that we can be friends.”

“Lots of exes stay friends afterwards.” Kuroo pointed out, frowning faintly at Tsukishima. The omega just lifted his shoulders in a shrug, sighing softly.

“That’s true, but—not exes like us, I suppose.”

“What do you mean, exes like us?”

“Exes who ended badly.” Tsukishima said. “Because we ended _badly_. I fucked up—I know that I fucked up. I should have said goodbye to you before I just went running off to a different continent and said that I was never coming back.” He looked away from Kuroo, towards a blank spot on the wall that was much easier to gaze upon. “I’m glad that you can forgive me enough to still hang out, and be friends, it’s just that… by exes like us, I guess I mean exes that still have feelings for each other, too.” He sighed. In the corner of his eye he saw Kuroo jolt and then stiffen; but the alpha remained silent, and so Tsukishima took that as a cue to go on talking. “I know—I know that you don’t want to be with me anymore, but you said yourself that I’m still the same person that you fell in love with so… you just assume things.

“And I know I still care about you.” He swallowed. “A lot. Still love you. So if you feel even remotely the same way, you must feel like I do; grateful that I’m still allowed to be a part of your life, but—hurt, too, because it does hurt. Looking at you, and spending time with you, and knowing that it’ll never be the way that it was before, ever again.

“But I guess that’s fine; I _know_ it’s fine, I know being just friends is enough, but it does suck a little. Even though I understand. I messed up, and I can’t take it back, so… I don’t expect you to forgive me fully ever, I’m glad for even this much. I think that you’d be an idiot to ever consider being with me again, after everything.”

When Tsukishima finally fell silent, so did the house. He could hear the faint sounds of Kuroo’s breathing, because everything else was so quiet too. It seemed to go on like that for a long time.

“Kei.” The alpha said, finally. His voice was soft, but edged underneath by that authoritative, uniquely alpha tone that had Tsukishima helplessly turning his head. Kuroo was looking at him, really and truly looking at him. His eyes were on fire as they bored into Tsukishima’s, beautiful and serious. “You’re right. About having fucked up, and about the fact that I’d be an idiot to ever take you back.”

Tsukishima kept his face a perfect mask of neutrality rather than show that it hurt. How silly, to be harmed by the barbs in his own words when they were turned back at him.

“I usually am right, yes.” He said dryly, wondering if he should just go. He’d have thought admitting he was in pain would at least get Kuroo to show him _some_ empathy.

“Yeah, you are. But I think you’re forgetting something pretty important about me.”

Tsukishima raised an eyebrow, faintly confused. “What am I forgetting?”

“That I am an idiot.”

Before Tsukishima could have time to think about the implications of that, Kuroo had shifted forwards. In one fluid movement he cupped Tsukishima’s cheek in his hand and kissed him.

Tsukishima gasped on pure reflex. It had to be reflex, because every other function of his mind had shut down immediately from shock—there were no other options, no way to think past the feeling of Kuroo’s lips pressed against his own. His eyes were wide for a long moment, and then they slowly fell closed. It was reflex, too, when he kissed Kuroo back; when he reached out to grab a handful of his shirt and pull him in closer, parting his lips to deepen the kiss. He had so many questions— _why_ and _what does this mean_ and _aren’t we only going to hurt each other again_ —but speaking them would have meant taking his lips away from the alpha’s, and he couldn’t do that.

                  Kuroo’s free hand found Tsukishima’s thigh and slid upwards, running over his body until he cupped the other side of his face, too. The kiss was deep, but still slow, lazy mouths mouthing together, languid tongues exploring. Keeping Kuroo close with the hand in his shirt, Tsukishima let the fingers of the other wander, slipping through the gaps in between his buttons to touch his bare skin and make the alpha’s breathing pitch ragged. He could smell him—he always could, but it was stronger now, musky and heady and making a shiver run down Tsukishima’s spine. He knew that smell, of an alpha aroused, and his own body responded in kind: sweeter, but still strong calling out to Kuroo _I’m here, I want it too_.

_Bad move_ , the part of Tsukishima’s mind that wasn’t yet completely gone reminded him. There was no urgency to the kisses; he could have pulled away. _And so you should—you are making another mistake_. Kuroo had called himself an idiot, and now Tsukishima knew that he himself was one too. But he couldn’t have pulled away, not at all, and he knew it. The second Kuroo had pulled him into his arms, he had been helpless but to give in to what he wanted. After everything, Tsukishima was still only human.

                  Slow and deep, he kissed Kuroo, his hands moving to undo the buttons on his shirt one by one. Kuroo shifted to let Tsukishima slide his shirt from off his shoulders. Tsukishima didn’t open his eyes—he was worried he might break this spell if he did—but he let his hands wander over the alpha’s broad chest, touching his skin and savouring the warmth of him. _At least talk before you go on kissing him_. But there was no room for words here, just the two of them and their bodies. Natural, instinctual, they were caught up in each other.

                  Kuroo must have decided that Tsukishima couldn’t have all the fun to himself. His hands slid over the dip of the omega’s waist and dragged him closer, finding his hips and tugging him upwards. For a brief moment, Tsukishima was in Kuroo’s lap, and then the alpha tipped him back to climb on top of him on the couch as easily as if he weighed nothing at all. Tsukishima made a helpless noise into his mouth. He could feel himself getting wet, the display of strength appealing to omega instincts that cried out for a mate to keep him safe.

Kuroo’s hands slid under his shirt, pushing it up just enough to bare his stomach and touch the skin there, fingers hovering briefly over his scar before they moved down. He undid Tsukishima’s belt and the buttons at the front of his jeans, giving him enough working room to get his hands down inside his boxers. Just feeling Kuroo touch his upper thighs was enough to make Tsukishima’s breath hitch; he had to break the kiss to gasp when the alpha’s hands slid around to squeeze his ass instead. Kuroo wasn’t deterred. His tongue traced a line from the corner of Tsukishima’s lips and down to where he could mouth over his throat, teeth gently worrying at the old scar of his bond mark. His hands hadn’t stopped moving, either, moving in and in until his fingers slid between Tsukishima’s cheeks.

“Fuck.” The omega breathed out when he felt Kuroo’s fingers rub gently at his rim. His head fell further back, baring his throat; offering himself up in perfect, deliberate submission. Kuroo made a pleased sound in the back of his throat, biting his scent gland not hard enough to break skin, but enough to make the scent of Tsukishima’s arousal spike and a moan slip past his lips.

It took nothing, no effort at all, for Kuroo to slip his fingers inside him. The omega was open and wet already, needy for anything he could get, and he heard Kuroo curse under his breath.

“Kei…” He breathed out, and Tsukishima felt his heart leap. There it was again, the way that Kuroo always used to say his name, taking a deep breath first and then exhaling softly, like it was something precious and delicate. He didn’t press his fingers any deeper, just slipped them in and out slowly, exploring and rubbing his hole until Tsukishima’s thighs were trembling from the teasing.

“Bed?” He murmured between soft, pleased little pants. That, too, he worried would break the spell, but he thought he might go mad if he had to endure much more of this without anything moving forwards. But Kuroo just nodded, withdrawing his hands and moving back to let Tsukishima up.

                  He abandoned his jeans and boxers on the floor next to the sofa and let Kuroo drag him into his room, going to sprawl out on the bed while the alpha shut the door. Leaning back against the messy pillows, Tsukishima parted his pale thighs, as inviting as the burning gold colour of his eyes. He watched Kuroo lick his lips as he crawled onto the bed with him, moaned at the scent of arousal rolling off him in waves.

“You are so fucking beautiful, Kei.” Kuroo murmured, pressing his lips against his temple. “I want you,” He murmured, pushing his shirt up enough to make room for him to kiss over his stomach, up to his chest, teasing his nipples with his tongue and making Tsukishima moan softly. “I want you, please?”

“Yes.” Tsukishima breathed out, nodding. He fumbled with his shirt for a moment before pulling it off over his head, discarding it on the floor while Kuroo ran his hands almost reverently over the omega’s chest. “God, yes.” Kuroo’s fingers slid underneath his chin and tilted up, then, drawing him into another deep and languid kiss. He had missed kissing like this.

“I don’t ever want you to leave again.” Kuroo panted softly into Tsukishima’s mouth as, together, their hands moved down to undo the alpha’s belt. “Oh my god, Kei, please don’t go.”

“I’m not.” Tsukishima panted softly against Kuroo’s lips, his hands sliding down inside his boxers to ghost his fingers over his cock. “I’m not going—but you have to stay, too, Tetsurou, I can’t do this if—”

“I will.” Kuroo promised, biting at Tsukishima’s lower lip before he kissed him again. “I will. I’m staying.”

“Thank you, thank you…” Tsukishima bit back a quiet whine when Kuroo leaned away from him. He already missed the warmth of his body, but all that he had done was remove his jeans entirely. Once they lay unneeded on the floor, he returned to lie between Tsukishima’s legs. Every inch of his skin that touched Kuroo’s made his heart sing out _right, right, right_. He had missed this, his touch, the intimacy of their bodies fitting together this way. He didn’t know how he had ever survived without it; if he _could_ survive losing it again, now that he remembered what it was like.

“I want you.” Kuroo murmured against Tsukishima’s lips. He could feel the alpha’s cock, heavy against his thigh. “Please, Kei, let me…”

“I want _you_.” Tsukishima echoed, wrapping his arms loosely around Kuroo’s neck to keep him close. His eyes were open, gazing up at him where he lay on the bed. He spread his legs wider, hitching his knees over Kuroo’s hips to keep their bodies together. “Go on.”

His breath catching—Tsukishima felt more than he heard it, their bodies were still so close—Kuroo reached down between them to wrap his fingers around his own cock. Tsukishima felt the thick head of it nudge against his hole and relaxed, his eyes fluttering halfway closed again. His body knew what to do, instinct taking over while he went soft and pliant underneath an alpha. He moaned, softly, while Kuroo entered him, feeling his body spread and open up for his cock. His breath hitched when the alpha bottomed out inside him, and Kuroo cursed, muffled where his lips were pressed against the top of Tsukishima’s hair. His heart was pounding out a drum beat inside of his chest, emotions too vast to name rising inside of him.

“Tell me when—” Kuroo began in a low voice, but Tsukishima cut him off.

“When.” He said, his fingertips dragging over the alpha’s broad shoulders. He felt like a man starved; desperate to touch, to hold, to savour what he had been missing. This night lacked the urgency of the last time they’d been to bed together, but Tsukishima still felt it inside of him just as present as the alpha himself. His heart raced, skipped, his blood and belly surged with want. He felt like he needed this just to be alive.

Taking a breath, Kuroo pulled his hips back until his cock slipped almost out of Tsukishima, leaving the omega achingly empty, and then pushed back inside. The omega let out a moan, his eyes fluttering entirely shut; head falling back to bare the pale expanse of his throat.

The pace Kuroo set was slow and steady but _deep_ , every time he drove home inside the omega drawing a soft noise from his throat, making his back arch. He felt every drag of the alpha’s cock inside of him, every place he touched on his skin lighting up his nerves like fireworks.

“You feel good.” Kuroo said quietly. Even with the slow pace, he was panting quietly, but so was Tsukishima. His mind was hazy with alpha scent, the feeling of him so deep inside; it was all he could do to remember to kiss him, over and over, their lips brought together again and again each time Kuroo thrust forward. His hands wandered greedily over his body—but that was slow, too, memorizing each dip and curve of his muscles like he was afraid it was the last time he would ever get to see them.

“So do you.” Tsukishima murmured in between kisses, his toes curling slightly in pleasure.

“Thanks.” When Kuroo said it, he laughed a little too, and Tsukishima thought it was the most beautiful sound that he had ever heard. He reached up, cupping the alpha’s face between his hands as he kissed him again and laughing, laughing into his mouth. His chest ached, so happy and sad at once he didn’t know how he could still breathe.

When Tsukishima had to pull away again to pant for air, Kuroo moved his hands from where he had been holding himself up above the omega. Resting his whole weight on top of him, each thrust of his hips brought him impossibly deeper inside, sending Tsukishima’s eyes rolling whenever he moved. His hands traced the curves of his hips and then further down, cupping and squeezing his ass to tilt his hips upwards.

“Fuck.” Tsukishima gasped. His hands dropped from where he had been holding Kuroo to grasp at the bedsheets instead, tugging at them with curling, desperate fingers. He was _deeper_ , deeper still, in his stomach, his hips angled for the head of his cock to press against his prostate with every thrust.

“Good?” There was laughter in Kuroo’s voice again. Tsukishima wanted to bottle the sound and drink it.

“So good.” Tsukishima moaned, a slight whine in his voice as his sounds of pleasure began to pitch higher.

“You’re really wet,” Kuroo murmured. They weren’t kissing, really, but their lips kept brushing together whenever one of them spoke. “And tight… ’S good, you’re so good, Kei…”

“Tetsurou.” Tsukishima moaned in response, sealing their lips together again for a proper kiss. Now, finally, Kuroo’s thrusts were picking up speed a little—and Tsukishima thought he might know why. He still pressed deep inside, but he didn’t pull out as far; and when he did the omega could feel the base of his cock tugging, slightly, at his hole, his knot slowly forming and swelling. Tsukishima could feel it building, too, the heat and tightness in his stomach, his insides squeezing Kuroo’s cock as the pleasure mounted. 

Kuroo’s lips moved away from his to run over his jaw instead, tongue and teeth teasing his sensitive skin. His mouth found Tsukishima’s scent gland and sucked it, making the omega cry out, before he retreated.

“’M close.” He warned him, panting quietly. His thrusts had grown more erratic, trying to pace himself so Tsukishima could come too before Kuroo finished.

“I know.” The omega replied. His hand slid along Kuroo’s spine and up, fingers tangling in his hair to pull him back towards his scent gland; moaning as he felt him bite and suck. “Harder.”

He felt Kuroo shudder, realising what he was asking for. “Kei—”

“I’m not leaving again,” Kei spoke through soft pants and gasps, his hips working to fuck himself back against Kuroo’s cock as the bed creaked under them; feeling the rim of his hole stretch on his growing knot. “And you’re not—I want it if you can promise me you’re staying.”

“I promise.” Kuroo said. He squeezed his eyes shut, burying his face in Tsukishima’s neck, and then bit down.

Tsukishima cried out. When Kuroo’s teeth broke his skin, his back arched away from the bed as he came between them, nails drawing red lines down the alpha’s back. Being claimed, mated, was still the most intense thing he had ever felt; the flash of bright white behind his eyes and the surge of his heart that went beyond just pleasure. Every part of him cried out to Kuroo, _alpha, my alpha_. His, truly his, again.

Kuroo’s moan was muffled by Tsukishima’s flesh when he came too, filling the omega up as he knotted inside him. His hips worked forwards, trying to press vainly deeper and drawing little whimpers from Tsukishima’s lips. Still riding the high of his orgasm, he pushed Kuroo away from his throat only to tilt his head to the side, baring the alpha’s own neck. The scar on his scent gland was several shades lighter than his tan skin, silvery and delicate. Tsukishima leaned in and bit down hard, until he tasted blood in his mouth and heard Kuroo shout. He licked his lips as he drew back, kissing away the scarlet smears on his skin before he finally collapsed back against the pillows to pant for breath.

                  Kuroo didn’t say anything at first, while they were knotted together. He just laid on top of Tsukishima and buried his face in the hollow of his throat, moaning still as he ran his hands up and down his sides. Tsukishima’s fingers combed through his hair, holding him close, breathing in his scent. Already, it was starting to change subtly, and so was his own. He would smell like Kuroo, and vice versa. Everyone would know that they were mates once again.

He could still feel Kuroo filling him, attempting to breed, but as the pleasure slowly faded away Tsukishima found himself biting his lip, nervous. With his emotions still running this high, Kuroo caught the scent of his distress immediately and looked up. His eyes were still dark and hazy from pleasure, but Tsukishima could see the concern written across his face.

“Kei?”

Tsukishima swallowed, reaching up to run two fingers idly over his scent gland. He winced—the fresh bond mark was sore and sensitive still—but didn’t pull away.

“You marked me again.”

“You asked me to.”

“I know.” Tsukishima swallowed hard. The concern on Kuroo’s face turned slowly into fear.

“Do you… wish you hadn’t?”

“No.” Tsukishima shook his head immediately- that, at least, he could be sure of. “It’s just, this was so—such a spur of the moment, I just feel like we should have _talked_ things out first, and—”

“Hey—shh.” Kuroo murmured, leaning in to kiss Tsukishima again. He stroked his hair, holding him close and making soothing purring sounds to calm his omega’s frazzled nerves. “It’s okay.”

“And I’m worried it’ll end badly again.” Tsukishima managed to say finally, a little shiver going through him.

Kuroo was briefly silent. He seemed to be considering as he shifted on top of Tsukishima; his knot had gone down, so he pulled out to get more comfortable; lying on his side with the omega still pulled close against his chest.

“It’s not gonna end badly.” He said firmly, sliding his fingers through the gaps between Tsukishima’s and squeezing. “You’re mine again—and I’m yours. I want that, and I at least _think_ you do too.” He laughed softly, although Tsukishima wasn’t in the mood to echo it, and then brought his fingers to his lips to kiss them.

“You’re right, though.” The alpha added softly. “We do have a lot of things to talk about. And I— _I_ , have a lot of things to apologise for.”

Tsukishima blinked up at him, vaguely confused.

“I do.” Kuroo insisted. “But it’s late, and I’m tired, and happy, and you are beautiful.” He leaned in to kiss Tsukishima again, and he responded without thinking, achingly soft and chaste. Kuroo’s fingers wandered along his thigh, his smile heartbreakingly fond as his gaze ran over Tsukishima’s body. “So I think we should sleep now, and talk about it in the morning.”

Tsukishima considered; gently squeezing Kuroo’s fingers in return before he swallowed. His body felt sleepy and satisfied, warm, full of Kuroo with his new bond mark still throbbing. It could have been an early warning sign, he supposed, of the disaster that might come in the morning. But right then he felt like the throbbing simply mimicked the beat of his heart, and he allowed himself again to give into what his nature wanted.

“Okay.” He murmured, shifting a little closer to tuck his head under Kuroo’s chin—so he was right against his scent gland, breathing in the comforting smell of him. He closed his eyes. “In the morning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and so ends the penultimate chapter of falling slowly
> 
> the next update will be the last one! chapter 15 is the final chapter, and it might take a little longer than this one did; i'm going to be working just as hard on it, but i don't plan on uploading it until i have the epilogue finished too. the epilogue, by the way, has no further impact upon the plot (all that is resolved in 15) and will be uploaded as a separate, optional oneshot instead of another chapter. even if the next update does take a _little_ longer, i'm still well on track to finishing this fic by the end of march!


	15. Mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **Mother:** ~~_(noun)_ an omega or female beta in relation to a child to whom they have given birth.~~  
>  _(verb)_ to bring up a child with care and affection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go, boys

Unlike almost everyone else that he had ever met, Tsukishima considered himself a morning person. He liked to get up with the sun, to get dressed and have breakfast, make an early start on his work or errands or whatever book he was reading at that moment.

But waking up that morning, he couldn’t imagine ever wanting to get out of bed. When he blinked his eyes open, his back was pressed against Kuroo’s chest, the alpha’s strong arms wrapped around his waist. He was warm against him and his scent still filled the whole room, making Tsukishima melt back against the pillows with a soft sigh, his eyes already drifting halfway shut again. He could have stayed here forever.

His moving made Kuroo stir too, though, either because he was a lighter sleeper than the last time they had spent a night together or just because he was more in tune with Tsukishima’s body after having mated him so recently. He nuzzled at the back of his neck with a soft groan, pressing a kiss to his nape and squeezing him tight.

“Time ‘s it?” The alpha slurred, muffled and still half asleep. Lazily, Tsukishima let his gaze wander over to the nightstand where Kuroo’s alarm clock stood.

“Half-past nine.”

Kuro groaned again, his face burrowing deeper into Tsukishima’s back. Apparently he wasn’t prepared to go back to sleep just yet, though, because he murmured, “We need to talk.”

Tsukishima’s heart seized—who wouldn’t be frightened by those words?—but he knew that Kuroo was right, so he nodded. Twisting in Kuroo’s arms, he gave the alpha a gentle kiss to his forehead, smiling faintly as Kuroo blinked hazy, tired amber eyes up at him.

“We do.” He agreed, his voice still soft and quiet for the morning. “But coffee first.” He knew Kuroo was useless before coffee; definitely too useless to have any kind of serious discussion.  

Kuroo cursed and let his head flop back onto the pillows, eyes shut. Tsukishima watched him for a moment, taking note of the way the rise and fall of his chest evened out, before he got up. Finding his boxers and one of Kuroo’s t-shirts, loose on his own body, he made his way out to the kitchen.

It was difficult to make breakfast here and now, in this kitchen he didn’t know, navigating around sippy cups, plastic plates in bright colours, and small bits of cutlery with thick handles. But he was learning; he was learning Kuroo’s home.

He didn’t feel like doing anything that required a particular amount of effort, not really. But he still took the time to lay the table, to make up a pot of coffee, butter some toast and make a pair of plain omelettes. It felt pleasantly nostalgic. When they had lived together, Kuroo cooked more often than Tsukishima did, but as their apartment’s resident morning person breakfast had been his domain. On mornings when Tsukishima had less reading to do, or his classes didn’t start until the afternoon, he’d get up early to go the whole way; spending time to broil some fish and lay out rice, miso soup, natto and pickled vegetables along with coffee and toast. He’d usually have to wash up those days, too, since Kuroo would spend so long eating he’d almost be late for work, but Tsukishima never minded—he wouldn’t have done it if he had. It had always soothed him, he supposed, in the same way that brushing Amaterasu’s hair did now; not necessarily maternal, but there was something peaceful in slowly and methodically taking care of people he loved.

                  Once Tsukishima was satisfied with the spread that he had laid out, he made his way back to Kuroo’s room and shook the alpha’s shoulder gently. When he didn’t respond, he shook it harder.

“Tetsurou,” He said, trying to sound firm instead of fond. “Wake up- I made breakfast. There’s coffee.”

“Coffee?” Kuroo lifted his head, rubbing his eyes as Tsukishima straightened up; crossing his arms over his chest and tapping his foot a little impatiently. The alpha managed to struggle out of bed, searching for some sweatpants before he stumbled out into the kitchen. Tsukishima sat down opposite him, watching him chug half of the coffee to get some sense of wakefulness back before he finally started to eat. Even while he was eating his own food, it was difficult to look away from Kuroo—he was still too deeply attuned to him, their new mating bond fresh in his mind. But most of the time when he looked up, Kuroo was looking back at him; so Tsukishima didn’t mind.

                  Once they were both finished, Tsukishima stood up to start taking everything to the sink, but when he tried to walk past Kuroo’s chair the alpha caught him around the waist. His breath hitched, even just that touch sending sparks and shivers down his spine. He bit his lip as his mate’s hands wandered over his hips and waist; pushing the hem of his borrowed shirt up just a little to touch bare skin, his fingers skirting the edges of Tsukishima’s scar.

“I think we should talk, now.” He murmured, gazing up at Tsukishima from where he still sat at the table. The omega swallowed.

“I don’t generally have life-changing discussions before I put pants on.”

“Clearly you’ve been having them wrong, then.” Kuroo said with a smirk that Tsukishima knew better than he knew his own face. When the omega didn’t return it, the smile vanished, and Kuroo reached out to take his hand as well as his hips, drawing him in closer. He kissed his belly, because it was the easiest part of him to reach.

“Hey,” The alpha murmured, his voice soft. He said it the way he used to say _Kei_ ; the way he was starting to say it again. “It’s alright. It won’t be life changing, Kei. I already mated you again. I won’t go back on that.”

 _But you could_ , Tsukishima thought. Mating bonds were reversible. Tsukishima remembered how painful it had been last time, slowly breaking their bond through years of being apart from each other. He didn’t know if he could bear to do it again, especially now. It would hurt so much more while it was still fresh.

“Could we at least go and sit down?” He asked, and Kuroo nodded. The alpha rose from his chair and kissed his mate’s cheek, and then together they walked to the living room to take a seat on the same couch where they had kissed last night. Funny, how it felt like forever ago—or maybe that was just Tsukishima confusing it with different kisses, different couches, that really were from another life before all of this.

                  “Okay,” Kuroo said, calmly enough. “What do we need to talk about?”

Tsukishima thought about it. The list was endless, so he evaded the question.

“You said you had things to apologise for.” He recalled, from just before they had fallen asleep the night before. “You could start with that.”

Kuroo nodded. He leaned back where he was sitting, looking thoughtful.

“Actually,” He said. “I’d like to start with what I’m _not_ sorry for. Just to… get things straight, I guess. Is that okay?”

Tsukishima didn’t answer; but he nodded, so Kuroo went on.

“I’m not sorry for picking Ama over you.” He said, and Tsukishima nodded again, once. That, he supposed, was fair enough. “Even if she wasn’t really Ama-chan, then, even though she was just cells. It’s still… I could never have lived with knowing I’d had a kid but never gotten to meet them. Of course, it was always your body and your choice, and if you’d chosen not to have her I would have supported that, but I didn’t have to be _happy_ with it, and I wouldn’t have been. So, I’m not sorry for that—for having my own feelings about it.”

“Okay.” Tsukishima nodded vaguely. “Then I’m not sorry for leaving.”

Kuroo tilted his head at him, so he went on. It felt like a horrible thing to say, knowing how badly him leaving had hurt Kuroo, how he had left Amaterasu without a mother. But he could be sorry for what he had done to them without being sorry for the act of leaving itself.

“If it’s fine for you to have wanted to be a father, it was fine for me… to not. To not want that.” He looked down, picking at his nails and then clasping his hands in front of him. “I didn’t want to be my mother.” Kuroo had only met his parents a handful of times, but it was enough to understand why; especially supplemented with the hours they’d spent talking over the years, telling tales of their childhood and how it made them feel. Once, they had known everything about each other. “But I just didn’t want to be _a_ mother, either. I wasn’t ready, not then. So, I’m not sorry for not being something that I didn’t want to be.

“I _am_ sorry,” He added, after a moment to recollect himself and catch his breath. “For going without saying goodbye, and for the way I came back. I’m sorry for thinking I could have you back without working for it, and expecting you to put me before Amaterasu. Even if I’m not sorry for leaving, I’m not… claiming that it was the right thing to do, and I understand why you wouldn’t trust me with her afterwards. And I understand why not trusting me with her meant you couldn’t trust me with yourself, either.”

Kuroo nodded, listening, before he reached out. His hands found Tsukishima’s, and he wound their fingers together idly when he spoke again.

“I forgive you,” He said. “For the things you did wrong, because—fuck, Kei, I don’t know. Because this whole situation has been shitty and _I_ don’t have a fucking clue how to deal with it, so I don’t know why I expected you to know.

“And I forgive you for leaving, because I understand why you did it, and because…” He shook his head, laughing. “Because you told me you would do it, and it’s not your fault I wasn’t listening.” He swallowed.

“So I’m sorry for that, too: not listening. I knew you never wanted to be a parent and I knew pregnancy freaked you out, but I was so excited to be a dad I forgot to be an alpha.” He rubbed his thumb over the back of Tsukishima’s pale hand, tracing fond circles there. “I’m sorry if I made you feel lonely, or like you weren’t important to me, ‘cause you always have been.” He squeezed Tsukishima’s hands, looking at him with a faint smile. “And if I’m not sorry for not trusting you—because I’m not, Kei, I didn’t have a reason to trust you—I’m sorry that, I think, I was kind of a dick about it sometimes. It was just hard.”

Tsukishima shifted closer as Kuroo spoke, letting the alpha wrap his arms around him as he tucked his head up underneath his chin; breathing in the scent of him, comforting himself with his warmth.

“It was hard to have you leave and it was hard to have you come back, and then to think we could be together again and then realising we couldn’t…” He sighed, kissing Tsukishima’s hair. “It’s hard now, trying to figure out how we _can_ work together. I always feel like I’m expecting too much of you. Filling in what I want to see instead of what you actually are.”

Tsukishima shrugged. “I can understand that. There isn’t much of me.”

Kuroo made an affronted noise, squeezing him.

“Don’t say that. You’re— _so_ much, Kei, so good. You’re my favourite person. Just because it’s quiet or mean sometimes doesn’t mean it isn’t there.” He nuzzled his hair. “And I want all of it. I wanna make up for the bits I fucked up before.”

“So do I.”

“You already did.” Kuroo promised, his voice slightly muffled. “You’re so good with Ama now, and that’s—it’s all I really needed you to be.” Kuroo was silent for a little while, and then, “What do you need me to be?”

“I don’t know.” Tsukishima admitted. “I’m not twenty-two anymore. I think that… I _know_ that I can be a parent, and I can support myself without you needing to take care of me.” He turned to kiss Kuroo softly. “Maybe I needed you to apologise, but you’ve done that. I think I need you to stop ‘being a dick about it,’” He made air-quotes when he quoted Kuroo. “But I need to stop that too.”

“Maybe,” Kuroo smiled wryly. “But I kinda like it when you’re a dick. And even if… I guess, even if you think you don’t need anything more from me, I promise I’m still gonna try and be better. Listen more this time, and be more understanding, and put you first.”

“Okay.” Tsukishima said with a small smile of his own. “Let’s see how long that lasts.”

“Asshole.” Kuroo laughed, hiding his head against Tsukishima’s shoulder. “I love you.” He murmured, nuzzling at his scent gland. “I love you so much. I’m so fucking sorry we were ever apart.”

“I’m sorry, too.” Tsukishima said, letting his eyes drift halfway closed. Kuroo’s scent had never been more relaxing, more reassuring. “And I love you, too.”

Kuroo made a wordless happy noise, squeezing Tsukishima around the waist. His hands wandered, touching him reverently, like he couldn’t believe it was still something that he was allowed to do. His hands found the hem of the shirt Tsukishima was wearing and moved underneath to feel his bare skin, but he paused when his fingers touched the ragged edges of his scar.

                  The alpha sat up slightly, pulling up Tsukishima’s shirt enough for him to actually see the scar.

“I’m sorry about this, too.” He said softly. “After Ama-chan was born, when I was waiting for you to get out of surgery, your brother told me if you died it would be my fault.”

Tsukishima frowned. “He shouldn’t have said that.”

“He wasn’t wrong, though. It was bad enough you had to go through a pregnancy I _know_ made you uncomfortable without how dangerous giving birth was. I’m sorry you didn’t feel like you could tell me you’d needed a hysterectomy, and I’m sorry it happened at all. You almost died and now you can’t have any more kids.”

Tsukishima shrugged slightly. He’d had a long time to think about that, to process it, but it hadn’t needed that much processing in the first place.

“I never wanted kids in the first place.” He reminded Kuroo. “I honestly still don’t—not any _more_ kids, anyway. I’m happy just with Amaterasu.” Saying that made him think about it a little more, though, and after a small pause, he spoke again.

“Except… I guess maybe there’s one more thing I want. I’m happy with Amaterasu, but not entirely with the _way_ things are with her. I want to be her mother.”

Kuroo squeezed him again in a hug, kissing the side of his neck; right over the new bond mark, still sensitive enough to make Tsukishima shiver.

“You already are her mother, Kei.” He murmured. “You always have been, even when you didn’t think it.”

“But I want her to _know_ that.” Tsukishima clarified, even though the thought sent a thrill of nervousness through him. “I want her to know who I am—to be able to be her mother all of the time, not just on weekends.”

Kuroo nodded slowly, just barely visible in Tsukishima’s peripheral vision.

“Like I said,” He said, “You already are. But I understand what you mean.” His fingers laced through Tsukishima’s and then unlaced, but he still held his hand; rubbing his thumb across the back of it instead. “And I think it’ll be a lot easier to be her mom full-time now that you’re sleeping with her daddy again.” He teased, laughing and kissing Tsukishima’s cheek when the omega shoved him.

“I have to go pick Ama-chan up from my mom’s place at some time this morning, actually,” He reminded Tsukishima. “If you wanna come with.”

Tsukishima thought about that, and then shook his head.

“I’ll just stay here for now, thanks.”

He didn’t feel, yet, like he had earned back his space in Kuroo’s family. His right to be a mother to Amaterasu, yes, but he wasn’t sure Kuroo’s sisters would forgive him immediately and completely—especially not remembering the way that Haruka had been with him the last time he visited. Even if he and Kuroo had settled things between themselves enough to finally start being happy, Tsukishima wasn’t so foolish to believe that it would be so easy with everyone. It would be a long process to get people used to he and Kuroo being a couple again, to himself being Amaterasu’s parent—introducing the little girl to the side of her family that she’d been deprived of, too. He wanted to keep her as far from her grandparents as possible, of course (if given the choice, Tsukishima would keep his distance from them too), but Akiteru would be so pleased to finally get to be an uncle. But it would all take time.

                  Kuroo got up from the couch, taking Tsukishima’s hand to pull him into the bedroom with him so he could get dressed. Once he had clothes on, he caught the omega’s chin between careful fingers and gave him a soft kiss, smiling faintly against his lips.

“I won’t be long.” He promised. “I’ll see you soon, and then we can sit down and talk to her.”

“Okay.” Tsukishima nodded, his voice soft. He gave Kuroo another kiss, and then let him go.

The house seemed a thousand times quieter now that it was empty. To distract himself, Tsukishima ended up stripping last night’s dirty sheets from the bed and replacing them. He considered, too, cleaning up some of the clutter around the rest of the house, but in the end he was too restless and distracted to concentrate.

Amaterasu was young, impressionable, but she was clever. Maybe she would recognise that someone who had left her was never going to be good enough to be her mother, no matter how hard he tried. And even if that wasn’t the case, Tsukishima didn’t want her to love him just _because_ she was young and impressionable. He knew that she liked him, always had, but how would that change when she found out who he really was? He couldn’t bear the idea of her growing to resent him the way that he had his own mother; it was ironic, really, that in trying to avoid becoming her he’d made himself even worse. Running away had never been about protecting Amaterasu from him, he knew that—it had always been something selfish.

But he had made up for it, was still making up for it now. He would never stop trying.

                  The omega only stopped anxiously pacing the living room when he heard the front door open and muffled voices from the entrance. His heart jumped into his throat, and he forced himself to sit down lest his knees give out. He could see, just barely, Kuroo helping Amaterasu out of her shoes and coat, ushering her into the house. When she caught sight of him, her golden eyes—his eyes, in her face—widened, and a grin lit up her features.

“Tsukki!” She laughed, hurrying over and jumping up to throw her arms around his neck. Just like that, Tsukishima’s fear and anxiety melted away, vanished entirely the second she touched him. He laughed, too, and hugged her back; holding his daughter close to himself and rocking her sweetly.

“Hello, Amaterasu.” He smiled. When he caught sight of Kuroo over her shoulder, the look on the alpha’s face was almost fond enough to break his heart. For the first time in nearly six years, what Kuroo wanted was the same thing that Tsukishima wanted. He had forgotten how good that felt, how peaceful and quiet it made him inside.

“What are you doing here?” She asked when she leaned back, blinking innocently up at him. Kuroo must not have told her—must not have given her a single clue about what she was about to discover. Tsukishima actually thought that he preferred it that way. This was his mess, and he would have liked to solve it in his own words.

“I dropped by to see your daddy,” He explained with the sweet smile, completely untouched by malice or irony, that he reserved only for her. Kuroo had proved to him, a long time ago, that he was capable of love when he thought he’d been unable. Now their daughter had taught him that he could be gentle. “But I stayed a little longer so I could talk to you.”

Amaterasu nodded in understanding, shifting on the couch to sit next to Tsukishima. “What are we talking about?” She asked, while Kuroo came to sit behind her. He shared a look with Tsukishima, but didn’t say anything; and Tsukishima appreciated. This was his doing, his thing to fix.

“It’s an important thing.” He told her gently. “Very important, so you have to be a big girl and listen, alright?”

A small frown was forming on Amaterasu’s face, but she nodded anyway, serious. “Alright.”

“And,” Kuroo spoke up for the first time, biting his lip when he glanced briefly at Tsukishima before he turned back to their daughter. “I want—and I’m sure Tsukki does too—I want you to know that whatever you feel about what we’re going to tell you is fine, okay? If you’re happy, that’s great, but if you’re mad that’s fine too.”

Tsukishima nodded in agreement. He knew she was too young, probably, to feel about it in a complex way, or make any complicated decisions, but it was still worth saying. “You don’t have to do anything about it that you don’t want to.”

The confusion on Amaterasu’s face was growing—Tsukishima had to wonder if they were going about this in the right way, but he really couldn’t think of any other—but she nodded away. Tsukishima reached over to squeeze her hand in a way that he hoped came off as reassuring; he wanted more than anything for her to be happy about this, but he knew that she might not be. Knowing that he had abandoned her before might be enough to erase how much she had liked him up until now, and he tried to be prepared for her to break his heart that way.

                  Tsukishima took a deep breath.

“Do you remember,” He asked her. “When we went to the park, not long after I first met you, and you asked me if I knew who your mother was?”

Amaterasu glanced between Kuroo and Tsukishima, frowning, but she nodded.

“I think so…”

“Do you remember that I told you I didn’t know? That I hadn’t met her?”

Again, Amaterasu nodded, and tilted her head to one side curiously. In Kuroo’s silence, all of her attention was on Tsukishima, and it was more than just a little intimidating.

“I lied, Amaterasu, and I’m very sorry.” Tsukishima admitted, picking anxiously at the hem of his shirt. At this point, he didn’t think there would be any going back. Betrayal overtook the confused look on Amaterasu’s face, and he could only hope that the rest of what he had to say would be enough to get her onto his side again. He didn’t know what he would do if he lost his daughter just when he had been able to get her back—when he had finally been able to realise that that was what he wanted.

“Lying isn’t nice, Tsukki.” She said. “You shouldn’t lie.”

Tsukishima smiled, small and crooked.

“I know,” He said. “And I’m very sorry for doing it. I don’t have an excuse, except that I was scared. I wasn’t ready to tell the truth yet.”

“Why would the truth be scary?” Amaterasu asked.

“Because it’s a very big truth. It would have meant admitting a lot of things about myself I hadn’t realised yet—like how I was wrong. Even grown-ups are wrong sometimes, and I was wrong then.”

“What about?”

Tsukishima swallowed. It was all he could do to keep meeting Amaterasu’s deeply familiar eyes.

“Do you remember how I said that I’ve known your Daddy for a really long time?”

“How long?”

He felt as if they were getting a little side-tracked, here, but the one thing that Tsukishima had never wanted to do was brush aside her questions.

“Twelve years.”

“ _Whoa_.”

“I know.” He smiled faintly. “About five years ago, I went away for a while to go to school in a different country—you know that, right?” He waited for her to nod. “I said Kuroo must have met your mom after I left, and that wasn’t true. I didn’t leave until after you were born. And… Kuroo met your mom… about twelve years ago.”

Amaterasu blinked at him. He wondered if that was understanding that he could see dawning on her face; she was such a clever little girl. But he wanted to be the one who gave her the words.

“I’m your mother, Amaterasu.”

Her brow creased in a frown.

“I don’t… get it. I’m five, but I only just met you.”

Tsukishima shook his head. He reached out again for her hands, and breathed a silent sigh of relief when she let him take them, hold her.

“No, Amaterasu.” He said gently. “I met you the day you were born—before that, actually. You lived inside my tummy for a while, while you were growing and getting ready to be born. Because I’m your mom. You were just too little, back then, to remember that you’d met me before.”

Amaterasu looked at him, and then turned to look at Kuroo. Her little mouth was open, forming a small _o_.

“…Really?”

Kuroo nodded. “Really.”

Amaterasu turned back to Tsukki. “But… I don’t get it! If you’re my mommy, then why did you go away?”

Tsukishima bit his lip, but he knew he owed her an answer. He knew, too, that to say he hadn’t wanted her would be too harsh, especially for such a young girl, so he made himself be tactful. She could dislike him if she wanted to, but he didn’t want to hurt her feelings if there was any chance at all of avoiding that.

“Because I was scared.” He told her. “It’s not an excuse, not really, but I was scared, and I wasn’t strong enough to be brave for you. I didn’t think I… no, I _knew_ that I wasn’t ready to be your mom.”

“I thought you _were_ my mom…?”

“I am,” Tsukishima said. “But being a mom means a lot more than just having a baby. You have a whole person to look after, and love; you have to teach them about the world and make sure they’re safe and happy, and I wasn’t ready for that. If I’d stayed, Amaterasu, I wouldn’t have been a very good mom to you at all.” He looked away from her, finally, and met Kuroo’s eyes over the top of her head. They looked wet, but he was smiling.

“I know your daddy really well,” He looked back to Amaterasu as he spoke to her. “And I know what a good dad he is—how well he takes care of you. You were better off with just him than you would have been if I stayed.” Tsukishima knew what it was like to be resented, to have a mother who didn’t love him, and he had no desire to put Amaterasu through that. Even when he didn’t want her, he had never wanted her to be sad.

“But now you’re back.” Amaterasu still sounded unsure, like she was processing everything, and Tsukishima supposed that was fine. It had to be a lot to take in.

“I am.” He nodded. “And I’m so happy I got to meet you. You’re such a smart, kind, sweet little girl, and I’m so proud of how you grew up, even if I wasn’t there to see it. I’m glad I can spend time with my baby.” He smiled, and glanced at Kuroo again. “There’s things I need to ask you, though. Is that okay?”

“I’m not a baby,” Amaterasu said, and Tsukishima stifled a laugh. “But okay.”

“Before I left, when you were born,” Tsukishima explained. “Your daddy and I used to be boyfriends—we were mates. I loved him a lot, and I’m pretty sure he loved me too.”

“I did.” Kuroo spoke up gently, resting a hand on Amaterasu’s shoulder. “I still do.”

Tsukishima nodded.  
“We had to break up when I left, because I would be too far away, but I still love your daddy just as much as he loves me. We’ve been talking a lot, and we want to be together again as mates. It means I’d be around a lot more, because I’d be your daddy’s boyfriend… is that okay?”

Amaterasu blinked, then nodded. “Uhm—yeah! You make Daddy happy, right?”

“He does.” Kuroo nodded.  
“I want you to be happy, Daddy.” Amaterasu beamed. “I don’t mind at all.”

“I have another question, though.” Tsukishima added, waiting for Amaterasu to turn back to him before he continued. “I don’t just want to be your Daddy’s boyfriend. I know I’m your mom, and no matter what, I always will be; but I know that you might be mad at me, too. I did a bad thing by leaving you behind, and I’m never going to stop being sorry.” He didn’t regret leaving Kuroo, but abandoning his daughter was another animal entirely. “If you don’t want me to see you again, you don’t have to; you don’t have to call me Mommy, and if you don’t want me to be your mother, I won’t.”

Amaterasu nodded, slowly taking it in.

“But…” Her voice was halting, hesitant. “You _are_ … so… if I wanna call you Mommy, I can? And if I want you to be my mommy, you are?”

Tsukishima held his breath; he hardly dared to hope. “Yes, Amaterasu. If you want to, that’s what’ll happen. I really want a second chance at being your mom.”

Amaterasu just sat there for a moment, like she was thinking. Then she beamed at him, and flung herself forward to wrap her arms around Tsukishima in a tight hug that he couldn’t help but return.

“You’re my best, best friend and my favourite person, Tsukki, I really want you to be my mommy—I love you, Mommy.”

Tsukishima didn’t know how it happened—he hadn’t felt like he was going to do it at all—but he burst into tears, the hand that wasn’t holding Amaterasu clapping over his mouth to muffle himself. She still heard, though, and looked up at him in confusion.

“Why are you crying—are you sad?!” She sounded alarmed enough for Tsukishima to laugh through his sobs. While tears streamed down his cheeks, Kuroo moved closer; wrapping an arm around the omega’s waist to pull him close, Amaterasu cuddled up between them.

“No, I’m not sad.” Tsukishima shook his head. “I’m really, really happy. I love you, too. I promise—I promise I’m going to be better, this time. I’m gonna be a really good mom.”

“You already are.” Amaterasu said, and cuddled closer to him.

“She’s right.” Kuroo murmured against his ear, and Tsukishima could feel the smile on his lips when he kissed his cheek. He turned to him, resting his head against his broad shoulder while he hugged his daughter back tight; he wasn’t sure anything in the world could have persuaded him to let go, now that he finally had his family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and... we're done. over 100,000 words and a year of my life. not to blow my own trumpet but i'm so, so proud of myself for this fic, for finishing it.
> 
> thank you all so much for reading it, double thanks if you left kudos, triple for commenting. the feedback on this fic has been so immensely important to me, i read every single comment; you make me feel so good and help me improve my writing so much. i never expected this fic to get as much attention as it did, but i'm so happy so many people liked it and it touched so many of you. i hope this ending is enough; i hope i did good.
> 
> but wait, there's more! an epilogue oneshot will be posted tomorrow, PROBABLY, or at least some time in the next few days; so be sure to subscribe to me/this series if you want to see that. my account will be dead through april while i work on camp nanowrimo, but once may comes around i'll be back again to work more on my [trust in control](http://archiveofourown.org/series/577456) series as well as some more [raven cycle](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Elvamire/works?fandom_id=628622) fanfiction, if any of you are into that. 
> 
> i'd like to say one final thanks to my irl best friend in the world [rivka](http://rivkae.tumblr.com/) for sitting in a library with me last february when we were supposed to be revising for exams and letting me bounce ideas off her about a dumb omegaverse au i wanted to write until i had something resembling a plot. she also beta'd this fic, which was very kind of her. i'm so sorry for making you read my smut
> 
> once again, anyone is free to come hangout at my [tumblr](http://elvamire.tumblr.com/) to talk about this fic, or any future fics.
> 
> thanks again, guys. it's been real.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to rivka for beta’ing this and sitting and letting me brainstorm ideas with her
> 
> i have a [personal tumblr](http://elvamire.tumblr.com/) as well as an [anime blog](http://karasumoon.tumblr.com/).


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